You see, I know I’m a little crazy. This messed up life has damaged me in ways that no one will ever understand… but I still always try to be the best version of myself. I always try everyday to make myself a better person.

Any trace of good I had in me, went away when I met him.

We were introduced in some of our darkest days and, I admit, I was drawn to him, to the darkness. I thought I could make him better. Little did I know he wouldn’t change, he didn’t want to.

However, I never thought he would do THIS. Betrayal worse than all the crappy comments and snarky remarks on my appearance. The constant belittling, I became numb to it, I simply didn’t care because I still adored him.

However, his misunderstanding of my overthinking brain, my anxiety, led to a discovery. I don’t know who she was but she revealed the truth, the betrayal. I’ve never felt so sick. Yet when confronted, he claimed my body to be a problem and his obsession with the female body was something that he couldn’t help.

Sickening.

We became strangers that day, in our own home, still together but not together, for the trust was gone and I think he knew that, he knew trust had to be earned and he wasn’t willing to put in that work.

Then again, another woman, probably more. Then the pushing, the throwing, the physical hurting, the mentally draining thoughts. He won. He broke me.

My confrontation in lacking desire and seeking the body of another, led to a twist of events that have tainted me.

His misunderstanding of my mind and seeking the truth and my misunderstanding of how far he would go to keep the truth from me, led to a terrifying experience that no woman should have to go through.

The consequence of that day have traumatised me, sudden movements terrify me, hesitancy gives me anxiety, a complete lack of affection makes me feel unloved, certain remarks trigger me.

My only release was pain and a desire to fade away knowing he wouldn’t care. Little did I know, there was people that cared and saved me before it was too late.

For what he’s done to me, I could never forgive, nor will I ever forget.

Dear Love,

I apologise for not having the courage to say this to your face. I always was a coward.

It’s not you, it’s me. I’m a mess and I simply can’t do this no more. I must go. I must move on from this life.

I love you endlessly… I always have, since the moment our eyes met. I knew you were the one, my love, my best friend, my hero.

I know we will meet again, in another life, some other time. I promise I’ll be better then. I won’t be this depressive being that you see everyday, I’ll be happier, knowing my life beyond this one will be peaceful, the voices in my head won’t get to me no more.

Don’t forget me, as I know I will never forget you and I’ll be awaiting the day I can see you again.

In another life…

I love you with all my heart.

Yours truly, Celia

So cold, so empty, so lost, so broken, Where am I? Why am I here? All I can feel is the bitter cold, Feeling like so many tiny needles in my skin, I feel so empty, there’s nothing left, But to go out quietly, Let the cold do the rest, Let the cold take me out, Permanently. For I am so lost, so broken, My mind shattered into pieces, A puzzle that no longer fits together, For the shattered pieces are tiny, Unfixable, I am unfixable, So I let the cold do the rest, Let the cold take me out, For it’s better than feeling like this, Wherever I am, At least it’s secluded, No one will know, At least not for a while, I hope, Maybe now I can find peace, Maybe now I won’t feel pain, Loss, I can just fade away, Quietly, As I let the cold do the rest Let the cold take me out, Give me peace, Letting the cold do its thing.

There’s something I must confess, As my mind is a constant mess. All I’ve done is sin, My crimes all held in place by a pin.

I’ve hurt him so much, And it hurts me as such. For I can’t give the love he deserved, The suffering I’ve served.

All I can do now is distance, With some assistance, He deserves better, As I’ve said in every letter.

I do love him dearly, But losing him nearly, Has made me realise all the despair, I’ve broken us beyond repair.

My past haunts me, Making it hard to see, How good he is as man, Helping me discover who I am.

His love so pure and sweet, Everything about him so neat, But I can’t trust, Even when I must.

Past relations and their damage, Have made me downright savage. For all I know is pain, There’s nothing he can gain.