I’d never been loved entirely until I met you. Neither had I experienced the deepest part of my stomach slam to the floor when I heard a name spoken just loud enough for my ears to perk up like a dog. I have never craved someone with my entire body before, never wanted so baddly for someone to want me. Neither had I ever had someone break the ground from beneath me and watch me plummet to the bottom, begging. Yet through your mistakes, and your betrayals, it is the softness in your eyes that deceives me. Through your eyes I see someone that is truely sorry, someone sorry for breaking my heart and wearing it around their neck as if it were an accomplishment. I see the part of you filled with regret, and I am patient. Knocking on you like a door, I wait for that part of you to answer warmly and welcome me inside. As if he had been waiting. He was the one who took us out, who laughed with me, and he was the one who loved me entirely. Yet you lock him away deep inside and tell me that you don’t love me? Lies. Like a plant in a drought, i’m desperately waiting for water. Waiting for you to unlock the cage that you have hid your softness and love away inside. Please, I forgive you, now where is the key?

Sometimes I feel numb, immune. the sensation of shock, or relief is the only thing grounding me to earth. every step i take is softer than the one before, and sometimes i can't feel my feet. but here i am, laying in snow. my body screaming. yet my mind quiet. the sounds are gone. such an odd feeling. though i do not enjoy it, it is a distraction. my mind is pink and green, like flowers in a garden. thoughts race around like a bee. trying desperately to find the best flower. which version of myself i should enjoy the most. the moment this feeling is gone though i know i should go back to the same old me. because i so desperately love the person i will never be. the one i will never be capable of becoming. how can i love myself so passionately, but yet hate myself so damn much, all at the same time.

Sometimes I imagine myself floating, above everyone else. looking down on the world. And if i look close enough i can spot myself. Deep in routine, blending in. How could i see myself so differently from everyone else, if my steps down the street always follow behind someone else's? i see it as though only i have walked down that path before. But in following behind someone else's steps, i forgot who i was. i begin to see everything as fake, and separate from the rest. my mindset mangled. and my stomach heavy. it's been a year and those feeling haven't left. how could i ever be so stupid. the thought of that night makes my eyes teary, and my arms heavy. i become more aware of my head, and the gravity pulling me down. i begin to realize my breaths, and focus on them. suddenly i cannot breath, it feels as though I'm forcing the breaths from my lungs. and instead of using my eyes, i am now seeing through them. how could i be so stupid. one night now determines my future. my stride into the indefinite future is now hurt, pierced through the center. every step cracking the it closer to the edge until it cracks and i fall through. maybe sometimes i want to jump, and speed the process. but what good would that do? either way we all end up in the same place. it's just the ideas of what that place is that change peoples ideas around it. but how. how could i ever be so stupid?

You'd always spoken to me before, and sometimes if i shut my eyes tight enough, and relaxed my fists just enough it would feel like i was floating. You beside me, and the image of your smile would replay as you whispered inside my ear how much you'd loved me. But now, as we stand inside this hallway, no one but us and the sound of lectures surrounding. I knew it was gone, now the tighter i shut my eyes, the more it hurt. I began to realize that when i close my eyes it is not me floating... it's pain. the feeling is my stomach dropping and my hands sweating. The feeling is not butterflies it is bats. Slamming into my stomach in a hurry to escape. Nothing will ever be remembered the same. Because you had never loved me... had you?

But who, who is this inside my head. Though i have no shame to speak, i was beside myself when they spoke again. More content this time as I listen. It's as though my head cannot connect the sound to anything but my own, it is my thoughts though i'm not thinking. "Let me go." It speaks. My ears heard no noise. But my heart heard it more then anything else. I cannot let you go yet. Although i knew i could hear them, it was a shock to find that they can hear me. All these things running through my head. I cannot let go. The feelings too. Deeper then you'll ever understand my love.

"I will do you no good", "it is best if we had left" How can i hear your voice if i cannot see you. Out of all of my 5 senses, only one is being triggered by you. But i know that i've never felt you more then before. I've never felt those words slip out of your mouth in any other way, although it's fake. I can feel you speaking it. Even if you arnt I know how much you mean what you've told me. And it's easily said. But my heart hurts too much to let go, all the things you've said. Although jokes. I hurt, but this is no joke.

i'm sorry my love, but i just cannot let go yet.