I fell for you when I didn’t think it was possible - especially because I didn’t think it was possible. You are the space between spaces. You’ve become the fabric of my life, stitched into me with the tightest seams. I’ve seen you lost and I’ve seen you found, and each day I’ve never seen you so beautiful. I want more time with you. Our space is a home because we love each other in it.
If your hand could reach inside my heart, what would you do with it? Wait. I already know. God how I wish I didn’t, but I Do. You would wonder if you could bruise me any more than You did before, Whether I would still pick up the phone Every time You call. Your hand would squeeze tighter, Never Letting me out of your reach, And I would lay next to you at night sobbing silently until I could no longer Breathe. You’ve done it once before and I don’t know why I Keep Letting you back. Why we both can’t move on from, not being together, but from you Hurting me. No, I can’t do this again. I was good enough, and you made me believe I wasn’t.
She’s watching me again. I don’t need to look to know that she’s there. I can sense her. I can feel her hollowed out, lifeless eyes boring into the back of my skull in an attempt to reach my soul. I can see her ghost white fingers, nails scraping against the wood, tapping out a drum that’s hauntingly sweet. This girl has been watching me, night after night, for as long as I can remember. She’s become so integrated into the walk home from my late shift that if she wasn’t there I would be concerned. Even though her presence frightens me to the core. I’ve always questioned what I’ve done, what did I do to deserve her piercing yet colourless eyes darting in and out of my thoughts every night as I pass this abandoned house, with her stuck in that eerie treehouse. This time I’m not waiting for any answers. This time I’m going in.
I watched this story unfold from a distance, stood outside in The storm. The passing of silent secrets, The avoided gaze, The eventual continuum of silence. I saw him turn away from her in what he thought was her sleep, And I saw the single lightning lit tear fall on her face as she understood he was turning away from a whole lot more. I watched as he screamed at her over thunder and she sobbed to him and both of them pleaded, But for different things. I could feel the raw love once there becoming blazing anguish and I became Lost In the moment of what I could do to save them until I realised, I was looking at you. At you, at myself, at my reflection in the window of me, staring, yielding, to The storm. The person I love Is also the one who hurts me the most and now it's about Whether I choose to love You or myself. I have no idea what to do and I know I have to choose before you do, And I bruise. Put our time in your hands and watch me dissolve with it, Slowly, my love.
I lived in the mountains after you. To this day, I still don’t know who I was running from. You, me, us. Either way, I needed to be alone for a while. We needed to be our own people. I needed to grow outside of your fence. Time is a great healer, so they say, and it passes differently up here, in the mountains. Almost in slow motion.
The imperceptible passing of time is marked only by the moon. She, always beautiful, rises every night; but in different phases, different moods, different dresses. Some nights, she is shy, revealing only half of herself to me up here in the mountains, and I respect her shyness, only stealing glances at her when I believe she isn’t looking. Other nights, it’s as if the sun has held up a looking glass to her, and she has realised the entirety of her beauty. On these nights, the moon shows herself in full, naked and bright, watching over me as I silently sob to her over you. We keep each other company, the moon and I, just like you and I used to.
During the day, I sit here and let the dust gather on us. I’m getting better. Gradually. I’m able to let a thick layer of dust settle, the gleam of the mountains and the singing of the birds warming my heart as I do endless tasks to keep my mind busy. Each time, the final layer of dust has almost settled, my heart has almost stopped racing, my mind has almost stopped whispering your name. And then night falls. At night, I crumple and disturb the dust with my tears, creating spots in the surface which the moonlight fills with her sympathy. And then it all begins again, after another morning waking up to no you.
Eventually I’ll be okay. I do know this. But it’s hard to remember that when every day is a marathon without the scent of your hair, the touch of your hand, the taste of your lips. And I can’t forgive you yet. I haven’t even figured out how to forgive myself, let alone you. You hurt me more than anyone I have ever known and in these mountains that thought is sometimes the only thing that fills all this empty space. But most of the time, for now, the trees act as my blanket, the mountains my protectors, the flowers my serenity. And I can live like that. For now.
Besides, I eventually would have ended up here anyway, as you threw me so far from myself I’ve had to hunt everywhere to find myself ever since.
He makes blue want to be my favourite colour.
But one thing I am not is yours. That you will never have over me. And I will always know, Despite how hard I try I will Always Remember what you did. But I refuse to wear that label I refuse To wither under your actions and everything you stand for I refuse, and I will be anything but something that you have destroyed. Sometimes I wish I could ask you, Why you? Why did you choose to ruin your life, and to strengthen Me.
A moment in the middle of the night. Where I catch you sleeping. I watch you for a while, or more like I can’t take my eyes off Your beauty. The moonlight is dancing across your face, mixing with your dreams, and you’re doing that thing again where you twitch. Your hair has fallen across your face, covering your eyes, but I know that If you opened them now, I would still be stuck in your blue gaze, Like a deer in headlights. Your hand is clutching mine, because even in sleep we’d miss each other. Although your eyes are closed, and your breathing quiet, you have shown me Love, safety, tenderness. You have shown me that whatever our souls are made of, Yours and mine are the same. As I fall asleep, I wish for a million more Moments like this.
Blink. And I'm plunged into darkness. The dark isn't the start of my fear it's the unknown. It's that the stretching desolate space around me could be hiding anything, But how can I see in the dark.
Blink. And a tear starts to form. The corners of my vision become blurred as the tiny droplet spills over the edge and down onto my burning cheeks, Only to be followed by more to come, And that's the last thing I remember seeing.
Blink. And my heart is racing. The nerves in my mind spiral a million miles per hour to try and keep up with my beat, Only to be left far behind As my heart reels blindly in the dark.
Blink. And 100 heartbeats are born but 100 are also stopped But I'm still stuck in mine. I can't escape and time is running out as everything runs faster but somehow seems to be keeping me captive longer.
Blink. And I'm thrown But I'm thrown off course as my thoughts fight to keep up with my sobs and a million words course through my mind but I can't find the only one I'm searching for Help.
Blink. And I'm breathless But not only a little I'm gasping to save myself my lungs are screaming for air that I can't give to them Because I can't find it I can't see in this dark
Blink. And is this sleep, Or something far much worse?
