I’ve always felt this way. As though my life makes about as much sense as a ship in sand. I’m meant for ambition, for parties, for dramatic occasions, a few sloppy, drunken mistakes, and some adventurous nights. Instead I’m desolate. Waiting for others to explore my depths, to touch and repair parts of me that have long since decayed.

Despite my despair, you wait in the distance. A camera in hand, seeming as though you couldn’t care less about the awkward, undeserving, empty life I’ve lead. “LET ME LOVE YOU!!” You scream, marveling at my simplistic beauty. Love and passion has really made you blind.

Little do you know, that if I were closer to an ocean, I’d find a way to relieve myself of such a sandy wasteland. I’d sail off and finally partake in those adventures I’m supposed to have. I’d leave you to endure all the heat, bugs, and isolation that this place has to offer. Because, I know that I was built in the sand, but I belong in the sea.

What is death like? The door at the end of the corridor will have the answer to my question. Some people who have opened the door before me were said to have been stabbed to death, others were rumored to have been sucked through the doorway and into an oblivion. All I can say with absolute certainty is that I am going to die today.

I take a deep breath and grab Kevin’s hand. Looking over at him, I watched him gulp with anticipation. I pull on his beard and his face turns to me. “Hey…shhhh. We knew this was coming, baby.” Cupping his face in my hands, I kissed him like never before. Then, I let him go. It’s time to take the walk.

I tread lightly as if the floor is made of ice. Kevin lets out a wail behind me, I briefly look back and see that he’s collapsed onto his knees. I know he’d be taking my place if I’d let him. 5 years together wasn’t long enough. I expected an eternity. He is my soulmate after all…if those are real. But, fuck, I can’t let Kevin’s turmoil cloud my mind. I stole him. I’m paying the price for our love.

I take a deep breath and continue my walk, one step after the other. Who knows what the doors on the way to my door are holding. Behind some doors, I hear women having orgasms, other doors people are screaming in pain, but the most interesting doors are the ones I hear laughter from. Perhaps, there is some happiness in this God forsaken shit hole.

I stop by one door which seems to have people in the room cackling and listening to The Beatles. “Come together, Right now over me!” That tune plays, and even on the way to my death, I can’t help but smile. “Why can’t I just try this door? Is love so wrong?”

I’m started out my own thoughts by a shove. “Sandra, what are you doing?” I look to see that Kevin has came down the hall to follow me into my journey. “If you don’t go to the fucking door you were assigned to, they’ll take our children as promised!” He snaps, tear faced and frightened looking.

“Kevin, you weren’t supposed to follow me! I’m the one who sold myself to be with you. You have to raise the kids!” I begged. “They’ll be fine with my mom, I’m a shit parent without you babes.” We look at each other and nod in agreement. There’s no time to argue. We grabbed each other’s hand and continued down the never ending hall. We heard the sounds from behind the closed doors we passed. Moans of pleasure, cackles, screams, coos of babies. But what went on with others didn’t amount to a dime. We were together for just a short time longer. This walk felt intimate and it was something we couldn’t take for granted.

Here it is. THE door. Trembling, I hide my face in Kevin’s chest. “I can’t Kev! We can just hide the kids. Leave town—we could…” but my pleas are cut short when the door flies open and 2 big ugly hands grab us by our shirts and pull us in.

Submerged in darkness, I cannot see. I no longer feel the familiar presence of my husband. I open my mouth to scream but there is no sound. I want Kevin. I want to call for help, but this place is punishing me for my pleas. All of the sudden I can’t breathe. It’s pitch black and water begins to fill my lungs. In fact, now I’m submerged in water. My eyes burn as I open them to seek out any kind light. I can taste salt. “SALT WATER.” My mind screams.

My pleas are finally answered. A light comes on blinding me with its intensity. As I start to swim up to the surface I feel something bump into me but I am too disoriented to know what it is. With my head above water, I have no doubt I am lucky to be alive. I wipe my eyes and give a small smile. “I survived death! Fuck yeah!” I thought.

Regaining my wits, I look around I see glass walls on all sides. Pale people are watching on the other side of the glass with hungry smiles. Many of them holding up signs that say “Cheater”, “Whore.” Or “eat the whore.” Startled by such cruelty, I look around for a way out. I see faces cackling on the other side of the glass, and to the left of me..Kevin’s lifeless body, floating face down. I screamed until I was out of breath. My body became tired of being in water but there was no way out of this tank.

From behind me, I hear a hiss and the crowd roars with excitement. Wide eyed in horror and breathless, I turned around and became faced with my death. There it was. A salt water crocodile, laying on the small island like piece of land in the exhibit. Above the gigantic, scaled beast was a sign seemingly written in sloppy crimson blood..”Whores Feed Crocodiles” I looked down. The crocodile went to the edge of the island and dived into the water. The crowd beat against the glass and roared, as if enjoying the hunt.

“Please take Kevin First! He’s dead anyway!” I screamed.

He struts into the restaurant, grinning at me like a proud grandpa . But there’s a secret only we know, and I pay the price every day for it’s reveal. I am nobody. I am nothing. He’s the winner of my life. I’m the survivor of his horror.

The waitress brings our food. The steak I’m cutting into bleeds on the outside, just as much as I am on the inside. “So, I’m willing to pay 6,000 for your college fees. That should help you get away from that drunk mother of yours.” I smile weakly, gripping the wheels of my wheelchair like I am hanging on for dear life. I am as humble as a church mouse.

“Thanks papa. I appreciate your help.” He nods, smiling and writing the check. “ Well you’re handicapped, it’s not like you can go get a job.” He eyes me, and I know he’s thinking. “ I still own you.” “

“Just don’t go getting yourself pregnant. Guys will say whatever they need to to get some.” He chuckles, as if he’s the expert. “This is creepy but I’m the sick one, taking money from this fucker!” I scold myself. Survival tactic or laziness? Why. am. I. Doing. This.” But I have no answer. Just 6 grand in my hand.

He stands up from booth and scoops me into his arms. I’m frozen. As if swept up by a bear and praying it doesn’t eat me. “I love you, steph.” He purrs. I nod, dry mouthed, and light headed, I stare at the doors.

I want to be angry. I want to be fierce. Instead I’m a puddle. A church mouse. A nothing. And I’ll die with this burden. I’ll take this to my grave.

“It’s scary out. Like tornado scary. I can’t believe you locked us out of your house again! This has to be about the tenth time you’ve done this, Kelsey.”Melody scolds. I look down at my phone, hoping to call someone for help since mom and dad are out of town. No service. We looked around and noticed the street lights were out.

There is only 3 other houses on my street. The boarded up house, the Brown’s and the Smith’s. Both of our neighboring families are on the couples retreat with my parents. I sigh and look at Melody. “What do we do?” I pleaded. “we could drive to the police station or break your bedroom window to get in?” She suggests. “Oh please, we were arrested for shoplifting last month, I don’t wanna go to them. They’ll give us shit. If we break a window my parents will skin us. What about your parents Mel?” I asked. She rolls her eyes. It’s 8:00 at night. They’re drunk as fuck as usual let’s be real.”

All of the sudden, thunder starts to overtake the sky and hail pours down. Tornado sirens began to fill the air. We look at each other with fear. I yelled over the sirens and storm, “MEL, I THINK THE BOARDED UP HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET HAS A SHELTER DOWN STAIRS!” She nods, and we run down the sidewalk. I motion to the back of the house where one boarded up window has already been broken into.

Once inside the house, we stumble into a bedroom. Rats scurry across the floorboard and our steps make the house creek. “ I can’t see a damn thing!” Mel says. I take my IPhone out of my purse, shine it’s flashlight, and gesture for Mel to follow me out of the bedroom and down the hall to the staircase. We rushed down the stairs to safety. Still hearing the storm and Sirens.

We sit down in one of the bedrooms in the basement. “Oh my god, this is disgusting. An old abandoned house!” Melody whined. “Well, what do you suggest we do? Get blown away by a tornado?” I snapped. “Whatever. How’d you know this place had a basement anyway?” She asked. “This used to be my aunt’s house when I was little, then she died of cancer, and then someone else moved in. They only stayed here a few months, though, then just left the place.”

My phone battery was dying. There was some oil lamps on the bedside table next to the bed. In the drawers, some matches. I lit one of the oil laps and listened to the claps of thunder. “I wonder how long this storm will last?” I looked at Melody who was wiping tears off her face. “Hey come on! We’re safe. This will probably pass without a big ole Nader!”

I took her by the hand. “ You remember, I used to live with my aunt?” She nodded. “ Let me show you where my room was.” Grabbing the oil lamp, and dusting off my pants, I pulled Melody into the room across the hall. Claps of thunder and gusty wind startled her, and I pulled her closer to me, “Just chill.” I whispered. The wind howled and there was no denying the storm was getting bad.

We looked around the room I used to stay in. It looked like something on an episode of Extreme Hoarders, with boxes piled high, and junk scattered everywhere. “What do you think all this is?” Melody whispered. “ I dunno, but I guess we could check it out. There’s no going outside unless we want to risk getting blown away!” We nodded in agreement.

Melody and I lifted one box from the top of the stack. I opened the box. “Watch for rats!” She warned. “Please. I used to make out with Brandon King under the dirty ass bleachers on game night. I ain’t scared!”

Inside the box, some newspaper clippings. Melody and I sat together reading them by the light of the lamp. Each clipping displayed stories of missing teenage girls. Some of the clippings offered rewards for finding the discussed person. “Wow,” Melody chimed “this one looks like you.” I picked up the article. The girl did look like me. With curly hair and a slender build. The article below her picture told her story..“Haley Dawson was last seen wearing a white sweater, blue jeans, and white Nikes. She went to cheerleading practice and never came home…”

The article continued, but all the articles were just too damn creepy. Missing teenage girls galore. “Why would someone keep all this shit? I don’t wanna go through anymore of these boxes, it’s disgusting.” Melody pleaded. I nodded, seeing her discomfort, but as the storm continued to crash against the house, I knew we had to stay in the basement.

We found ourselves in the laundry room next. I held the oil lamp and we looked around in horror. Bloody clothes decorated the folding table. Next to the folding table, a blood soaked hammer. “Look. Look at the walls..” Melody gasped. Bloody handprints filled the laundry room. I felt frozen in horror and the oil lamp fell from my hand with a loud crash.

We both let out a scream. “We have to stay quiet, I told Melody. “There could be someone in the house that we don’t know about!” It was pitch black and we couldn’t see a thing. “We need to get out of here..storm or no storm.” I said. I grabbed Melody by the hand and we stumbled to find our way out.

All of the sudden the old house rattled. It sounded like a freight train was on top of the house. Glass was shattering, we could feel it. A tornado. I grabbed my IPhone from my purse and found my way back into the first bedroom we were in. I could see Melody crying. “IT’S OKAY..” I started to shout reassurances, but it did no good. We couldn’t hear each other. Debris slammed against the house. The house began to rattle even worse as if protesting being plucked from the ground like a weed.

My phone went entirely dead. I felt my way around the room and lit the last oil lamp with the pack of matches. Melody went to set on the bed and reached for me. I put my hand on my side of the bed and felt something hard under the old dusty comforter. I pulled back the covers and there it was.

We screamed. Human remains. There was no way out….

Olivia had fucked 15 men tonight, yet she was 10 dollars short of what she should have been paid. A shiver went down her spine, knowing her John would want his cut. He wouldn’t be happy knowing she’d lost out on some cash, no matter how little the missing amount was.

After counting the cash one more time, she got in her car and took a deep breath before starting the engine. “He won’t hit me this time. He promised not to do it again.” She touched her face, feeling the tender, bruised area just below her cheekbone. The last time Marcus had socked Olivia for a cash shortage, he’d damn near knocked her teeth out. After all, he didn’t want his girls spending his money on crank.

Olivia drove downtown, making her way to the apartment she shared with Marcus and 3 other women. She was anxiety ridden and fearful that Marcus would actually beat her to the point of killing her this time. In fact, she was so distracted with her worries that she almost hit a semi, swerved, and rolled off the road into a nearby ditch.

The next thing Olivia knew, she awoke in a hospital room. Groaning in pain she rubbed her forehead and pressed the call button for a nurse. “Hello, you were in quite the accident. Do you remember going off the road?” The nurse asked. Olivia nodded, and rubbed what felt like a cut lip. “Honey, is there anyone we can call?” Pressed the nurse. “Uh, yeah. Just my kid’s dad.” Mumbled Olivia.

A few hours later Olivia’s ex boyfriend, Jarrod showed up. Their twin children on each side of him, holding his hands. Olivia swelled with pride seeing how much Tommy and Josie had grown up. When the kids were born, before the crank addiction had stolen her life, she was a proud mama of a baby boy and girl. Now she was a stranger to them. A crank whore. A fuck up. Worthless.

“Why are we here Olive? The kids..they don’t even know you.” Jarrod demands, red faced and angry. “I know. I know Jare, and I’m so sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry. I just didn’t know who to call. My family. They hate me. Everyone..Everyone hates me.” Olivia pleads. “Someone stiffed me on cash, and Marcus..he’s gonna kill me eventually…he gets really pissed about the money.”

“That’s why you called us here?? For my money!!” Jarrod hollers. A concerned nurse peaks in the room from the hallway. “Olivia you picked Marcus over me, over the kids. Shit, you picked dope over us. You are sick! I am a single dad trying to make it alone. Why don’t you just disappear?” He scoops up the girl into his arms and continues to hold the boy’s hand. The family leaves the room. Olivia is alone again.

Olivia covered her face with her hand and sobbed. She began to crave it all. Heroin, crank, crystal. That would take the pain away. Who cares about being alone when you can’t feel it? She knew where to get her fix. “Who cares if he beats my ass?” She thought.

Marcus showed up and an hour later. His presence seemed to darken the room. “I see you wrecked, girl.” He murmured. “Yeah, stupid me.” Olivia winced. Feeling a sting in her ribs from the wreck. Marcus closed the hospital room door slowly, as if in secret. Then he walks over to Olivia and smacks her face. The pain is overwhelming, but Olive knows to stay quiet.

“ You could have died without paying me. You get that? I’m running a business here.” He says, grabbing her face. She nods, knowing that disagreeing with Marcus could kill her. He lets go of her face. Feeling some withdrawal, she asks, “Got any H honey? I’m feeling sick.”

He sneers and climbs on top of her. The paper hospital gown is easy for him to lift. She lays lifeless on the bed. This isn’t the first time this has happened. “Why fight it? It’ll be over soon. She thought. He enters her, groaning and taking his fill.

The hospital door opens. The nurse screams in horror after seeing Marcus violate Olivia. Marcus looks up to see the nurse and quickly hops off Olivia and stands up, pants still around his ankles. There’s a terrified look in his eyes. He knows he’s been caught.

Hearing the nurse scream, Jarrod rushes into the hospital room with his handgun ready to fire. Red faced and angry, he puts a bullet in Marcus’ chest. The scumbag pimp, falls to the ground, lifeless and no longer a threat. Olivia looks wide eyed and remains silent. The nurse balls up in the corner. People in hallway scream, hearing the gunshot. Jarrod walks over to Olivia and sits next to her on the hospital bed, taking her in in his arms, kissing her hair.

“Baby, you’re free now. Get sober.” He whispers, pleading with his love.

What remained of her flesh fell from her bones as she sat on the bench, just waiting. Every Halloween she would rise and long for her baby, listening for any trace of him; a wail, a coo, or a laugh. She remembered it all, the wedding night, the husband she was sold to, and at the end of the night the murder of her beloved 6 month old.

Tears fell from her bones as she relived her torment. “He’s just a bastard, a piece of filth, a nothing.” Her father’s words echoed. She shuddered with remembrance and agony. Closing her eyes, she flashes back to the knife slicing little Anthony’s neck open and how the blood sprayed everywhere much like a hose.

She opens her eyes to come back to reality.

A high pitched cry fills the distant air….

I take a deep breath and scrub. Scrub the once hot, sticky blood out of the carpet. My hands shook. “How could this of happened?” I asked myself. I looked around. Pieces of brain matter and hair decorated grandpa’s living room wall. “It’s a damn good thing that old man is on vacation.”

I pause the scrubbing. “Fuck, I’m tired. This is the third time this week I’ve had to put myself at risk to protect this shitty old house.” I throw down the sponge. My eyes, and hands burn from the household chemicals. After all, when you’re in a hurry to clean up a mess like this who has time to go buy gloves?

I’m feeling weak. The crash after an adrenaline rush. I sigh and shuffle my feet, grab the bucket of lysol and head upstairs. I know I should hurry, this isn’t my house and someone, maybe even my grandfather could stop by and check in, but I am just too tired. Wouldn’t want to have to get rid of pops, too. I mean, he’s a sweet old guy.

At the top of the stairs, I hear Peach, grandpa’s cat in the master bedroom. She’s scratching the carpet under the door, and I’ll bet it’s torn to shreds. I can’t blame her. Two days in the bedroom while I defend the house. I had to keep her safe, too. I’ll bet she misses her litter box!

Turning my attention away from the cat’s distress, I remember that I’ve got to take care of the guest bedroom. I take a deep breath knowing horror and stench will await me. I take another breath and put my hand on the door handle. “If I just get this over with I can go watch Game of Thrones.” I think to myself. “One…Two…”

I’m working up to opening the bedroom door when I hear the front door open. I freeze in terror and grab the glock from the back of my pants. “Not another intruder!” I thought. I peaked down the stairs into the living room. The unknown house guest fumbles for a light switch. When they find the light, I see that it’s my cousin. This does not ease my panic. “Jake? It’s Lexi I……” She stops and looks around, noticing chunks of brain on the wall. I stay hidden at the top of the stairs while her petrified scream fills the air.

“JAKE!!” she screams. Then, as if talking to herself or in shock, she whispers, “Are you alive??” She begins to cry. “Oh my god, Jake, you’re dead!” She starts to hyperventilate, taking deep rapid breaths. I can’t take seeing Lex like this. Growing up with her, we were more like big brother and little sister than cousins.

I take a step forward, debating whether or not I should let her see me. The stairwell creeks as I take another step. Lexi senses danger and pulls a gun out of her purse. I grip my glock and make my way slowly down the stairs.

“Hey Lex. I see you found me. How’d you know I was here?” I smile, hiding my gun behind me as I step off the stairway. Without hesitation she drops the gun, runs to me and hugs me. “Jake I thought…I thought..I..what happened here? We gotta call the fucking police.” She grabs my face in her hands. When the blood from my face gets on her hands, she looks at her palms wide eyed with horror.

I push her away and set on the sofa. “I’ll ask you again Lex..how’d you know I was at pop’s?” I asked, hoping she’d hear the annoyance in my voice. “ I..uh.. I called pop..to..to ask..if he..” She was stammering. My patience was wearing thin. “ spit it out woman!” I roared, and she jumped. “Pop..he was having 3 Airbnb guests this weekend while he is on vacation. “He sent me to check and make sure you had watered the plants and left before they got here…”

I paused. “So..the people I’ve got piled in the guest bedroom..those were Airbnb folks?”

I cackled in disbelief.

A terrifying roar startles me, and I know this is no joke. Beads of sweat rolled down my face, and my dress became caught in the wheels of my wheelchair. My hands sting like crazy thanks to the blisters that have popped open on my hands.

As I’m frantically wheeling trying to catch up with him, my son looks at me with those big green eyes, a stream of drool and a gapped tooth smile. I must get to him before it’s too late. I let my dress get caught in my wheels so bad that it tears from my body.

He runs further ahead of me. Zookeepers are frantically urging guests to leave. I need to get help, I can’t do this on my own. But the crowds are overwhelming. “PLEASE I AM DISABLED AND MY SON HAS GOTTEN AWAY FROM MY REACH.” I shout, but my plea goes unheard in a sea of people.

The crowd has become so thick that I can no longer see Jackson. I feel helpless and paralyzed with fear. Where is the tiger? Where is Jackson? I look from person to person, hoping they will notice me, but not likely. In this swarm of people, I am sitting and everyone else stands, towering a couple feet taller than me.

I spot my baby boy next to a bench and water fountain. Feeling hopeful again, I wheel to him as fast as possible. Finally I catch him. I close my eyes, overwhelmed with relief that we are reunited.

People begin to scream and my eyes pop open. The tiger is a few feet from us. It makes a deep “MOW” sound and approaches Jackson and I. In one swift motion, the tiger reaches his paw up and smacks my face. Jackson’s tiny body goes flying from my arms.

Everything goes black…

I held the uno cards in my hand, staring at mom with a smirk. She knew I had won. “Oh hell, I quit!” She cackled, playfully smacking me on the arm. She went to the kitchen sink, grabbed the bottle of wine, and poured herself another glass. Tonight we were having a good night, she wasn’t falling over drunk, this was her second glass of wine, not her seventh, which was rare for a Friday night.

“So, how is school going, kid?” Mom asked. “Well, it’s okay, I’m still thinking about dropping out, but I really like this guy…” “Oh, tell me about him!” Mom pressed. I blushed and shyly answered, “He’s a senior, but 19 because he was held back- but listen, mom, he’s really great, and I really want you to think about letting me date him!”

Mom looked at me while sipping her wine at the sink. “Well, I was 16 when I got pregnant with you, and your dad was 19. God knows he was the love of my life. I guess I’ll give him a chance, if I meet him and like him. I smiled and turned bright red, “ Good, because he’s on his way over for game night..let’s play Yahtzee together!”

I was in the closet hunting for Yahtzee when I heard the knock on the door. I rushed to meet Colson at the door, but mom answered first.

“Hi Colson! This is my…” I stopped talking realizing that mom and Colson had locked eyes. “Uh, Casey, thanks for inviting me, but I gotta go.” He looked at me for a second, but continued to gaze back at mom. “Why? Colson what’s going on?? Mom stop being weird!”

Mom looked at me, “ I think we need to talk, honey. Colson, you need to leave.” Mom looked at Colson with angry eyes.

“What is it mom?? Just tell me!”

“Honey, when dad and I got a divorce, he met another man online and started dating him. What I am trying to say is..he’s dating Colson.”

Another nauseating day in church with the same story line. “He sacrificed his life to save mine.. after all I did…” This sappy storyline I have heard everyday since I moved in here.

I made my way down the hall, and went into the bathroom. I stared in the mirror and splashed my face with the cold water. “Come on Kate, you just gotta put on your big girl panties and deal with this for a bit longer, then you’ll be 18 and out of foster care.” I told myself, holding on to my upcoming freedom.

I returned to the church pew and sat next to my foster mom. She looked pale and tired. “You okay Mrs. Walker?” I whispered , hoping we could leave early. “I’m feeling under the weather, I must have eaten something bad at breakfast. I am going to go the car while you listen to the sermon. Maybe this time you will give yourself to Jesus!”

I rolled my eyes, but knew I should just do as I was told. After all, I couldn’t stand getting moved to another foster home just two months before my 18th birthday. “Okay Mrs. Walker, I’ll stay here. Text me if you need anything. Please feel better.” I said, flashing a phony smile.

30 minutes of pure torture went by. The preacher asked if there was anyone who would like to give their life to Jesus. He looked right at me, knowing full well I thought this was all bullshit. I quickly looked away from his gaze. I grabbed my purse. “I’m gonna check on Mrs. Walker. It will give me an excuse to get out of here.” I thought.

I exited the church doors and went into the parking lot. The sun was blazing down and I noticed a putrid smell. I looked down. A trail of vomit covered the asphalt. I followed the trail of vomit to find Mrs. Walker laying on the Asphalt, her eyes and mouth open, a single fly on her lips. I took a deep breath. I knew most “normal” people would be horrified by this discovery, but me, the kid nobody wants? I’ve seen some shit.

Bending down next to the body I noticed her purse was a few feet away from her, the contents spilled out. “I have to hurry or someone will see!” I thought. I grabbed some cash from her wallet and the keys to her van. I run to the van, sweating from the heat and adrenaline. I fumble with the keys, but end up opening the van.

I smiled and started the van. “ I guess she must have been really sick. Not my problem, though.”