“Hello,” Said the badger to the hedgehog. The hedgehog saw beauty The badger felt fruity. Desire blossomed Like dandelion yellow “Our love can’t grow” Said the badger to the hedgehog. “But let’s imagine another life, Your an estate agent, And I’m your wife”.

Checkout the checkout Frantic man with furrowed brow An overfilled basket Too late for a trolly now. Single man With toilet roll And a copy of The Sun for hyperbole Couple with wine And a fancy cheesecake To friends to dine New friends: can’t be late Bread and cheese For the lady who looks tired Loyalty card is ready Points have expired And me, 6 items or about Carry on here Or surly self check out

You slide the bag across the table, the hooded figure opposite you peers inside. “Where the hell did you find this?!” “I wouldn’t say I FOUND it. If it was just a case of FINDING your Birdskins you wouldn’t need my expertise”. The admonishment was enough for Buzz to remove his hood and calm down. “Wow. I mean…….amazing. This is going to blow them away at Gincen 4”. Gincen4 was the wealthy district of Pollutias, the one place you could detach your breathing mask gear and try to suck in some air. Remind yourself what your lungs were for. Back in the Greendays. If you could sell 10 more Birdbots like this, maybe you could score a cell in Gincen4. Maybe. Buzz perused the bird. “What breed is it? Black and white? Looks a bit like a crow?”. You replied: “Yeah. It was a Magpie. Old Europe. Check out the blue tones on the edge”. Buzz unfolded the feathers and couldn’t help raise his voice: “GET OUT!”. You glanced around the Vapor Bar to see if any of the inhalers reacted. No. Four people in total, none paying attention to you and Buzz. Buzz caressed the Magpie, removed his breathing mask and lifted it to his nose. “Dank! You could’ve spruced it”. “Buzz, it’s 500 years old. The chemicals they used back then preserved it but you can only get that level of stasis with a fudged cocktail. You can spruce it yourself when your components are in. Is the compo ready?” “Affirm. My best work yet. Components are the best aviary bot I’ve ever made. Slip this skin over it, worth 8,000 megacreds. 3,000 for you, 5,000 for me.” “Who’s the buyer? Do they want a second one?” You were thinking about that Gincen cell. “Real old guy. Wants it for his granddaughter. Says he remembers his great granddaddy telling him what these birds sounded like in the Greendays. He kept doing impressions of them. Nothing like my AI version I’ve put into the components sound chip. He didn’t mention a second one. I think once he pays the 8,000 megacreds he’ll be frosted out.” “Shame.” You said, resigned. “Shame.” Agreed Buzz. You were tired, in need of sleep. “Send me the megacreds as usual then.” You pulled up your hoody, engaged the breathing mask. You nodded a bye to Buzz and left the Vapor Bar by the main door. The sulphur of the air hit the back of your eyes. The grey daze was really strong today and despite your breathing mask set to mask, the air burnt the back of your throat. Get on the web for more bird skins. Ten more the target. That cell in Gincen4 won’t buy itself. Time to see the embalmers guild again. You wired in. More Magpies was the way to go.

Once upon a time there was a massive egg. The kind of egg an ostrich would look at and think “Now, that’s a big bloody egg!”. The egg was bigger than a football, smaller than a basketball and had a cream sheen to its shell. It was found in a forest by an 8 year old boy who had curly hair and was himself bigger than a football and a basketball put together. The boy was called Matthew who spent most of his life being bewildered by things. Matthew stared at the egg for a long time. He couldn’t fathom what creature would’ve laid it. There was no nest. Matthew wanted to pick up the egg and take it home to show his parents. After a delicate gesture, he managed to cuddle the egg into his arms and chest. When he got home his parents told the press. “We could earn a packet from this!” said his dad. “But dad, I don’t want to!” Matthew replied. “Maybe if we look after it, it will hatch and I’d have a friend”. But in the time it took for his dad to say “gone viral” it had gone viral. Pictures of Matthew with his egg accompanied with pun based headlines: “Eggstraordinary” and “You’re Yolking”! After two hours of on-line chat, Facebook was saying “EAT IT!”. Twitter was saying “EAT IT!”. Tik tok was saying “Make a 30 second dance with it!” “NO!” said Matthew. So he ran away to keep it warm. And decided to wait until it hatched and they could fly away together. The End.

A friend of mine told me that U.F.C stood for “Unlimited Free Chicken”. Signed up. Now have to fight a kick boxer before Easter Sunday.

Slouches from spongy couches. Shoulders hunched and spirit down. Where is the dancer in you? Use this window as your rehearsal room. Straighten. What was it that teacher said? Like there’s a metal pole Going up (and down) your spine. Metallic marrow sounds monstrous. But check out the clarity of presence now. I should always stand like this. I should always sit like this. But that’s not going to wash the dishes.

“Mum, dad, thanks for coming round.” David made sure his tea was finished before he dropped the big news. He thought telling his folks at his house would be best: familiar wallpaper gives strength. “I’ve got something to tell you. You might not like it but I feel I need this in my life”. Dad looked concerned. Mum looked intrigued and concerned. “What is it son?” said Dad. David spoke clearly and slowly, with an attempt at calmness: “I want to change my name to Mugsy Balone”. Silence. The torn bit of wallpaper behind the radiator in the lounge felt very awkward. “Mugsy Balone? What do you mean?” asked dad. “We’ll it’s like Bugsy Malone, but I’ve swapped the first letters round.” “For fucks sake……” said mum. “I had Antiques Roadshow to watch today. You are a daft bugger.” Dad was energised: “Since when have you started saying ‘bugger’? David was upset: “That’s not the main point at this moment is it? Look, I just feel the name you gave me wasn’t cutting it. I haven’t had a promotion in years and my dating profile on-line is as dull as ditch water. A great name would just make me stand out, give me an opening in conversation, you know?” Mum replied in a calm way: “You are a baft dugger.” Dad observed: “Full moon tonight. This all happened under stars”. THE END.

So my tricks were laid bare. My spells were there to see. A feint followed by lies. My way to victory. These wizards knew nothing. My smiles hid the plot. Andy threw a one. The dainty little dot. I threw a six The game tied like a knot A beautiful time spent With your this new board game that I’ve got.

Well. There you are. Just say I didn’t tell you so. He told me “We’re eleven ways through this and I don’t know where to go.” But how did he know? I never trust someone with shoes like that. I mean, haven’t been the same since Bowie died. Death seemed too mundane, you know? Well. There you are. Least I know when to use two o’s. Not that that’s bloody important. I mean let it go man, let it go. Until you need to hold on to it for dear life. Because that’s all there is to hold on to. Well. Samuel said it would work but nobody believes him anyway. There you go. No beginning, no middle and no ending. Either way, most people would say that’s overdoing it. Yeah. Well. There you go.