Beep. Beep. Beep. Exhaustion pulls at me, heavy and relentless, threatening to drag me under. My skin glistens, damp with the proof of my efforts. The machine above me hums in steady rhythm, its sound a haunting lullaby—a reminder of where I am. My muscles throb, my breath trembles, and the air feels thick with waiting. The only other sound is the faint rustle of scrubs moving around me.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. The rhythm quickens, echoing the pounding of my heart. Tears blur my vision, and panic surges through my veins. My throat feels raw, coated in sandpaper, while the questions pressing against my mind remain trapped behind my leaden tongue. A soft whimper escapes me as my eyes dart around the room.

Fluorescent lights glare down, sharp and unkind, as the metallic tang of antiseptic mingles with the unmistakable scent of blood. My blood. Warmth seeps between my legs, spreading across the scratchy sheets beneath me. It feels endless, unstoppable. My chest tightens, every breath shallow and jagged.

Silence. Deafening, suffocating silence. The sound of the machine drowned out by the roaring in my ears, my body bracing for the scream I feel building.

And then—you.

Your cry shatters the stillness, sharp and glorious. Relief crashes over me in a tidal wave, leaving me gasping. A flurry of movement surrounds me, voices rising, hands working. A sob breaks free from my lips as warmth is placed against my chest.

You. Writhing, wailing, utterly alive. Tears blur my vision as I cradle you, feeling your tiny body press against mine. All the pain, all the exhaustion, disappears. The lights above seem dim compared to the glow of you in my arms.

I look down, my breath catching. There you are—7 pounds, 1 ounce of perfect.

You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You’ve caused me so much pain, yet the love I feel for you blinds me of it!

"You've caused me so much pain, yet the love I feel for you blinds me of it." Tabitha's voice rises several octaves, anguish etched on every feature of her face. "I never asked you to love me." "Love isn't something you ask for, Rho." Rho falls to his knees before Tabitha. "I know," his voice breaks. "I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't know how to love you properly." "Oh, Rho," Tabitha kneels beside him, clutching his warm hand to her heart. "I could have taught you to love me." "You deserve someone who knows." "I don't want someone. I want you, Rho. That's what love is all about. Loving someone enough to stay." Rho brings his free hand to his forehead, tapping himself with his knuckles. "No. No, Tabitha." "You didn't let me finish," Tabitha silences Rho by placing her fingers over his lips. "I know you're hurt, Rho, and I know you don't mean to hurt me. The truth is, when I find myself staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, all I see is my love for you. I forget the hurt because my love for you is so great." "Tabitha," Rho's voice is low and gentle, like a stream hidden within a forest. "I want to learn how to love you without hurting you. I'll be better for you, I promise. You've said your truth, so here's mine. I'm not who I am without you." Slowly, and carefully, never breaking eye contact, Rho lifts Tabitha's hand to his lips and plants a soft kiss there.

“You’ve caused me so much pain, yet I keep coming back for more. My love for you, based off lies as it is, blinds me to my pain.” “You- Lies! Selfish brat.” She spits. “No. Truth. You lie. Talk with me. Honestly. I’m an adult. I want to keep you in my life. Talk with me.”

“What about? You speak of your pain like you have not hurt me! For weeks you said nothing, no messages, no calls, no visits. For months! How was I to know if you were even alive? Now you say I’ve hurt you, I say only when you deserved it.”

I feel my skin crawl at her words. I thought we could be adults. I thought we could talk. She’s still the same self pitying liar that creates excuses for her actions. I realise I’m the same scared and scarred girl.

“Fine. Don’t talk. We won’t.” I say quietly and leave. I shouldn’t have come. Now it’s all coming back. Everything. I’m scared of the wall of emotions I’m facing. All my hard work cut away by one blow from her, an axe to my neck.

My therapist had warned me this could happen. That sometimes people don’t change. I had looked her in the eye and said that I didn’t accept that. I know she was right.

It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have said that. ‘We won’t’. I can’t sever my ties with my own flesh and blood. And I hurt her! She said as much. Maybe she was just hurt all along. Maybe it was my fault.

“You’re blaming yourself. Don’t. It’s not your fault she didn’t change. Not your fault she couldn’t. It’s not your fault she did things wrong either. You’re the innocent party.” My therapist speaks kindly. I hate that she can lie so smoothly, but maybe… Maybe she’s right. How could a little girl hurt someone so badly they’d hurt her like that? But…

I think she’s right. I don’t think I’m in the wrong. I think that she didn’t change. I think, but… What if?

“Why do you have to do this to me?” I yelled at an angel, who was now burning with rage. “What were you truly expecting?” She yelled back. “That I would just sit around watching you get tormented like that?” I will admit, the angel I’m describing, which may sound like anything but, was really my fiancée. And truly, she deserved such a position

It all began at prom. Yeah, I know it sounds cliche, but there’s more than just a high school date. My parents had dropped me off there in nothing but the bluest tuxedo you could imagine. Seriously, it was a horrible color. Anyways, I was only brought to the prom because of my older brother and his girlfriend.

The girlfriend, who I think was named Jane, wasn’t too bad of a person. She was decent enough to actually ask if I was doing okay in the back seat as I was nervously twitching. My brother, however, wasn’t known for being caring. I honestly don’t even know why Jane thought he was a good guy at the time. It was likely because he was a soon-to-be frat boy, being really obsessed with how he appeared. “Wipe that look off your face,” he commanded coldly.

At the prom, my brother and Jane were dancing away. Despite not even being selected for prom king and queen, they managed to be at the center of the stage. Meanwhile, I was hidden under a table. The only comfort I could find was my phone, where I looked at my song playlist. At some point in the night, I noticed a pair of red high heels walk near my face.

It would have been nothing to me, I was under a bunch of food after all. The thing was the girl standing in front of me wasn’t as ignorant of my presence as I was of hers. In fact, she actually lifted the velvet that stood between the two of us. Despite that, the girl kept muttering to herself. Her tone was as sharp as a sword, and she could easily be mistaken for an angry schoolteacher.

Despite that, the girl was extremely pretty. Her eyes were a romantic dark color, and her hair was cut like Snow White in the cartoon. “Oh my bad,” the girl instantly said when I had direct eye contact with her. “Didn’t mean to sound harsh to you.” Instead of giving a response, I was frozen still.

“It’s just been a rough night for me,” she continued. “Guessing it’s been a rough one for you too.” “Yeah,” I meekly replied. “Want to leave this place?” “Yeah.”

As the girl reached out her hand, she paused in mild realization. “My name is Gabby,” she quickly replied. “My name’s Daniel,” I confessed in return. “But you can call me Dan.” “Nice to meet you Dan. Oh, I forgot to ask you if you want to see this place.

“It’s the parking garage.” “Sure.” I could tell that my face squinted a little at that last sentence. Gabby let out a sigh before she reached out her hand. “It’s okay if you don’t want to go,” she replied.

In that moment, my mind was both frozen and overflowing. A girl, one that was especially beautiful, was talking to me. Wanting to be with me. It’s dumb that I want so caught up with that thought. Before long, I gave an answer.

“Trust me,” I assured. “That sounds like a fine enough place.” “Thank you so much,” Gabby said as she reached out her hand to me. She pulled with so much force that I was worried that she would rip off my entire arm. Together, we broke through the doors of prom and ran across.

The lights of a small town I resigned in shined brighter today than ever before. As me and Gabby crossed the street, I looked over at the college town that rested nearby. The garbage itself was exactly what you would expect. Steel walls that kept everything within almost cold to the touch. Me and Gabby ran up the stairs, reaching the roof.

For once in my life, I got to see the stars for once. With the city lights down below, the distinct purple and blue shined in the night sky. Me and Gabby soon decided to sit down together near the edge of the building. She was more willing to dangle near the railing, while I sat down on the pavement. “Beautiful, isn’t it,” Gabby muttered to herself.

“Yeah,” I awkwardly replied. “You must be here often.” “Haha, what can I say. It’s the best place to be when you’re stessed.” “So, you must hate parties too.

“With all the loud noises, bright lights, and awful music.” Gabby turned her head, looking at me puzzled. “I mean, you did want to leave that party?” I nervously tried to explain. That was when Gabby lowered her head to giggle a bright smile. “I don’t hate parties,” she responded.

“Sometimes, the dancing is exactly what you need.” “Then, why were you so desperate to leave prom?” Gabby let out a sigh before she confessed. “I was with my boyfriend.”

“You had a boyfriend?” Admittedly, that was probably the worst thing I could comment on. “Can you keep your mouth shut? Anyways, we were having a good time,” she continued. “He snuck in some candy from the convenience store, and I bought this dress for him.

“Shortly after we slow danced, he commented that he needed to go use the restroom. I waited patiently for him. When I decided to go and see where he was…” “Where did you find him?”

“He was behind a tree, kissing another girl.” Gabby was dead silent after she said that. “I’m so sorry,” I instinctively responded. It was probably not the best response I could give.

“No no, it’s fine,” Gabby insisted. “That’s men for you.” I could have tried to say, “not all men,” but what good could it do. As we both stared into the night sky, I came up with a better sentence. “Life is nothing but backstabbers,” I said.

“But there’s always someone who is also sick of being stabbed.” “That was an awful saying.” “Ha, I know. I just figured you needed something along the lines of that.” As I said that, my hand reached out to Gabby’s.

She took a glance at it, but refused to move her hand, instead clenching her fists. “Maybe,” Gabby said to herself. “Maybe you’re right.” As she said that, she once again opened her hand.

Gabby gently stroked my hand, refusing to firmly grasp it. “I gotta go,” I interrupted, somewhat ruining the moment. “Wait,” Gabby called out. “Before you go, what is your phone number?”

“Pardon?” “You know, if you want to call again. It’s okay if you don’t.” “No no, it’s fine.” I described my number to Gabby. Afterwards, we had many talks.

About school, about love, and even about family. To our mutual shock, me and Gabby got engaged. As one can imagine, we learned so much about each other. It was a true warts and all for us both. One day, Gabby knowing my darkest secrets turned dangerous.

We were both at my parents house, planning to announce our engagement. I had obviously told her about my brother. How he used to hit me, drag me, and generally do anything he could when my parents weren’t looking. I should have known it would strike a chord for Gabby. She herself confessed to have seen her mother get beaten a lot.

“Hey mom,” I chimed in, holding Gabby in my arms. “Hey dad.” I looked at my brother, expecting something from him. Instead of a snarky comment like usual, he was glued to his phone. “This is my girlfriend Gabby,” I continued.

“She’s truly lovely.” “Aww, how sweet,” my mother said. “Come and sit here. The food isn’t going to eat itself, right honey.” My mother looked directly at my father, who had a massive smile plastered on his face.

He never bothered to say anything though, preferring to nod. The dinner was decent enough. Some broccoli and cheese with Coca Cola. My mom was the primary talker, like she always had been. She asked Gabby a few questions about her family, which she tried to deflect.

“Aren’t family stories so fun,” my mother joked in an unintentionally mocking tone. “Dan and his brother Chris have so many stories to tell.” She looked at my brother, expecting him to confess. Instead, he kept his mouth shut, only showing engagement when he looked up at my mother. Eventually, he gave a coy smile and put his phone down.

Gabby wasn’t smiling back at him though. “Come on Dan,” my mother pestered. “You remember the time you saw your brother trip on his way to school?” “Of course,” he smirked. “Chris is such a klutz.”

I had lowered my face in shame, remembering that day well. Dan had tripped me, like he always had. Looking at Gabby, I realized she hadn’t bought into the lie. Her face was hot red. “What’s with the cherry look?” My brother asked.

“You liar,” Gabby cried out. “You have done nothing but be a bully to create these fake stories.” My brother was taken back by what she had said. “You don’t have any proof of that,” he laughed. “Oh really,” Gabby mocked.

“Is not your own brother’s word good enough testimony?” My brother’s eyes widened as he looked at Gabby. At first, he tried to laugh it off and leave. Unfortunately for him, as soon as he tried to enter the door, Gabby blocked him. “What the hell are you doing?” My brother commented.

Gabby asked him to take a guess as she raised her fist. “Hey hey easy,” my mother shouted as she ran up. She tried to push Gabby away from my brother. Obviously, it didn’t go well, with Gabby throwing a punch at my mother.

That was when the room went dead silent. My mother cowered back, with a little bit of blood coming out of her nose through her hands. My father finally did something by running up to her and asking if she was okay. “Gabby,” I finally cried out. I reached out to pull her away from the chaos.

“What the hell was that?” I shouted as soon as we were far away. “Why did you think that was okay.” “Do you think I could excuse those lies,” Gabby cried out. “Excuse that abuse.” “You didn’t have to hit my mom to do that. I already know my family is a mess.” She let out a little shout, which brings me back to where I began.

“I have had enough of this bullshit,” Gabby shouted, ripping at her hair. “Seeing this abuse.” “Are you kidding me,” I responded. “You caused me so much pain, but yet the love I feel for you blinds me!” That was when Gabby paused. Her hand slowly went over her mouth, but only her fingers managed to get close.” “I’m sorry,” I weakly replied.

“I didn’t mean to say that.” There was nothing but complete silence between the two of us. However, I just know, somewhere in my heart, that we shared the same idea. Don’t know why I did in this moment, but I embraced Gabby.

I sweezed her in my arms as I buried my face in her shoulder. “What are you doing?” Gabby asked me. “I’m sorry,” I responded, being a bit muffled.

“For everything?” “Yeah, for everything.” That was when I felt a tight embrace back. “Thank you,” Gabby whispered in my ear

I remember you asking me, “Why do you cut yourself open like that?” I didn’t know the answer until the words came out of me; the vessel carrying contents unknown, the messenger reading lines unwritten and unread.

“Because no one else will do it for me.”

No one else will splay me wide, every expression, every sentence laid bare.

No one else will flay the truth from my bones. I, alone, can point to my chest and unravel what rustles inside. I am the only one capable of writing poetry about myself, for it is in pulling oneself apart that the self is sought, and in seeking, the self is uncovered, centimeter by centimeter.

Poetry, that sacred self-harm, that twisted act of grotesque curiosity, is the knife by which I cut. I cut a deep slash down the center of my being, pry myself open like a fisherman gutting prey (gutted, guttering, candle-quick), and unearth identity.

It is terrifying, beautiful.

The pain of carving into oneself can be bitter at times, but the love of the act gleams around it; enshrouds it, halo-like.

The love of poetry blinds me to the agony of self-dissection.

I know that when I am with you, I feel different I know that when I am with you, I change I know that when I am with you, I feel more diffident I know that when I am with you, I start to feel strange

But there is something about you that I obsess over I love that brief happiness I adore so much I love that temporary smile, that hangs on your glorious, loving face, makes me feel closer I love that incredible body, makes me feel nice as such

You’ve caused me so much pain, yet the love I feel for you blinds me of it I have chose a life of ignorance and nothingness, yet have such intense bursts of pleasure I have built my strong passion and desire, yet both have broken my spirit and independence bit by bit I have created a solid love and immense emotions, yet have created such weak thinking and for poor choices to occur

I feel like, whenever I am around you, I am loved and whole I know that, whenever I try too hard to be closer, I have become very aloof and damaged I feel like, whenever you start to love me, I had a complete soul I know that, whenever you are often angered or bitter, I now am very disadvantaged

But I guess this is the price I pay What I have to learn from this hard truth that cannot be lessened Is that I have to be careful and stay far away To stay far away from the sweetest poison

Water bottle, brushes, an errant tube of alizarin crimson, another water bottle, palette, the contents of my art bag thunk on the weathered picnic table. Hamilton Park is pretty quiet, thank God. I scrounged to the bottom of my bag. Quickly I looked around.

No nosy neighbors, no parents of children Mandy knows from school whose names I can’t bother to remember, just trees leaning at awkward angles. I lit up. That first drag hit my head with an exquisite explosion. Clutching my pack of Marlboros and my lighter, I relaxed for the first time that day.

I rolled my shoulders preening like a cat in the sun. I told Tom I quit and I had for three of the worst days of my life. While eating stale Teddy Grams in the laundry room, I snubbed my toe on my old French easel. An idea bloomed with the pain.

I need a hobby, anything to keep my hands busy to stay off the cigarettes, I told him. When Mandy begged to tag along I said I needed alone time for self care. What could I say to their eager faces that if I don’t get away from this house and smoke I’m gonna bash my head into a wall.

Nausea rumbled in my belly. I scratched at the nicotine patch on my arm. I’m going to be sick as hell. I peeled off the patch sticking it to the easel’s edge. The blank canvas mocked me. Last weekend, I whipped up a handful of landscapes just in case Tom asks to see my work. He won’t but I liked covering all the bases.

In my trunk, I have heavy duty Febreze, breath mints, and mouthwash. I used to carry a go bag so I can stop and shower at the gym but Tom made a comment about my wet hair. now I just make sure spray myself down and race upstairs to the shower. Shooing away a yellowjacket I think about if I’m really fooling him. Taking a deep drag, I examined my lovely cigarette.

I pushed down another wave of vomit. You’ve caused me so much pain, I thought. I took another drag. God, I loved every aspect of smoking. I blew a smoke ring and smiled. Bile hit my throat. Coughing hard, I dropped my cigarette. I hurried towards the water and threw up. Eyes watering, I emptied myself. I leaned exhausted against a slender tree.

I noticed a fisherman across the creek. I froze, afraid it was a neighbor who would mention something to my family. I relaxed realizing he was just an old rummy. Tucked amongst the rocks, the fisherman saluted me with his can of malt liquor. I wiped my mouth and bowed.

Back at the picnic table, I drained one of my water bottles. Feeling empty as a pocket, I noticed my easel had tipped over and I’d stepped on a tube of red paint. I should go home. I’m heading back I thought right after I finish one more cigarette.

Vasil shakes his head. _This is never going to work, _he thinks, it’s only going to get worse. He looks up at the sky, at the orange leaves on the trees, and wonders how he had gotten into this mess. His mind goes to Anya, because recently, he’s been blaming her for everything. But right now, he realizes that this all happened because he hadn’t listened to Anya. Now, there was no way to go back. He goes inside the house, where Luda is crying on the couch. “You’ve caused me so much pain, yet the love I feel for you blinds me of it.” He says softly. Luda acts like she doesn’t hear him.

Anya picks up the jar of nutella. She checks out, and heads home. On the way she spots an orange tree. Our tree, she remembers sadly, _mine and Vasil’s tree. _She shakes her head. It will never be their tree again.

“You’ve caused me so much pain, yet the love I feel for you blinds me of it.” Vasil’s words sound empty to Luda. What does that even mean? What does he want her to say? There’s no fix, no solution. Nothing ever works. “You don’t think I feel the same?” She finally answers, without looking at him. “You don’t think I’m in pain too? No one ever does. No one ever stops to think what I feel. No one! Everyone always wallows about how much pain I caused them, what I did to them, how I broke their heart!” Luda finally turns to Vasil, and he’s hanging his head, not letting her see his face. “You know what?!” She screams, tears running down her face, “I’m done! I’m done with people. All you want is to drain me! None of you, not _one, has ever _cared about me! So I’m done!” Luda slams the door, and she never comes back to the town again.

I never thought this would happen. I’ve never fallen for anyone. Ever.

But every single time I think about you,

I blush and it’s a complete disaster.

You’re able to melt away The ice cold barrier surrounding my heart.

When I see you smile, It’s like the sun has come out for the very first time in ages. And that happens every time.

No matter how much I’ve looked at you.

My greatest desire would be to have you for myself.

But-

I hope you do not feel the same.

I am a complete and utter mess. And my love is not delicate, its disastrous. Who would ever want me?

And I feel like you deserve better. So I hope one day you find the man or the girl of your dreams.

And I hope you have a family, And children, And a lovely marriage.

I wish you the best. Even if I can’t be there with you.

For now, I’ll just keep looking at your smile. That’s always enough to make my day.

“Jessalyn! Wait!” His gravelly voice sounded over the market place, making the stylish customers as well as the traders turn their heads. Jessalyn, dressed in her best gown, rushed through the stands. These colorful compositions filled with gleaming fruits and exotic-smelling herbs usually never left her in the cold. But as Rahim was still shouting her name, Jessalyn wanted nothing more than to disappear into thin air. Careful not to trip over the hem of her dress, she grasped onto the long cotton skirt, lifting it slightly. As Rahim made his way through the crowd, trying to catch up to her, Jessalyn rushed into a small alley. The grey cobblestones slowed her down, while the narrowness made her uncomfortable. “Jessa! Please, I can explain,” Rahim’s voice almost trembled, if it’s from exertion or pain, Jessalyn would never know. She came to a halt, turned around and stifled a groan. His otherworldly beauty made it way too difficult for her to say what needed to be said, hence, she hesitated for a moment, scanning his body. His dark curls sat perfect as always while his dark eyes emitted sorrow. ”You. You hurt me, Rahim. You’ve caused me so much pain, yet the love I feel for you blinds me of it!” Rahim’s jaw dropped, the seconds ticked by. Jessalyn felt her blood creep up her face, embarrassed by the words she had expressed. “Jessa…” Rahim gritted his teeth, afraid of what ridiculous admission might slip out of his mouth. Yes, he loved her and being away from her killed him every time, but he still had his pride. He was the prince, not some fool who was blinded by love. He and Jessalyn, they could never have a future together, as much as he wished it was different. “Jessa…,” he mumbled quietly, “I…” Jessalyn huffed in disbelief, turned around and started to walk away. A strong hand grabbed her wrist. “Jessalyn. I am terribly sorry for everything I have done to you, but…” Rahim did not know what to say, how to express his love and his pain. Jessalyn turned to face Rahim, tears welling up in her eyes. Rahim’s heart skipped a beat, only to palpitate even faster after a second. This woman, this stunning person, she meant so much to him. Too much, even. In that moment, seeing Jessalyn like this… he lost the ability to think rationally. In one flowing motion, he pulled her tight and pressed his lips on hers. This kiss, just like all the other stolen ones, shook his world. He was utterly hers and nothing else mattered. After a split second, Jessalyn pulled away. “I am not just some strumpet you can kiss whenever you want, Rahim. I have feelings,” she chided, crushing Rahim’s euphoria to smithereens. Jessa grabbed her skirt and continued her escape. Her heart ached with every step she took, but succumbing to his charm again was no option. A prince and his maid, this match was never made in heaven.

[Note: I am not a native speaker and in this story I tried to use some advanced expressions, I hope I used them correctly ^^ My goal is to write advanced stories but there is still a long way to go haha Also, I kind of got confused with the tenses, I hope I didn’t make any mistakes. Thanks for feedback ~Lee]