I didn’t realize I was waiting for a day. Not until it sat down at my table for coffee. The months prior to the day had been a twisted turn of my emotional state. I was finding myself in a new place. The friends I had put my truth and meaning into are now miles upon miles away. I did it to myself. The move to a new state. It wasn’t for self discovery or a new opportunity. I did it to be self dependent. Call it a curse. I see it as a blessing. Now, here I am. No longer feeling lonely by my only presence. I write to my friends in my mind and call them when I can breath during hard times. Today has been easier. I got coffee by myself. Ordered on my own and picked something that I want. Last night I had received a message from some dating app. I had downloaded to feel like I had progress in the love life I tried to hide from. I don’t know why I responded. Other than he was cute.

Now he sits across from me. Our conversation are limited and we know our time is short. He smiles with ease and has a childish gleam in his eyes. I don’t sense hope, but maybe a good time. I don’t have any regrets for inviting him along, but the past creeps up to try to pull me back. It compares this new beginning to the guy I had tried to mark gray in my mind. This is different. I try to remind myself. No one can be the same. Not even me. He says he’s had a good time, “let’s do it again.” I can’t tell if I feel the same, but why not see what could happen. For all I know, this could be the day that I was waiting for.

I’m not sure how it happened. At some point the right side had become the downside. It wasn’t until my eyes blurred from the rush of blood that I realized how high above my feet had gone. Seconds turned to hours as I waited for some resolution. I guess I could’ve fixed the problem myself if I really wanted to try, but I felt like this was a problem that would fix on its own. Warmth flooded my cheeks as I hung very still. Silence filled my ears. The only upside to this new side was that I finally saw the man that Salvador painted eons ago. “So this is what surrealist mean by try something new”

“Over the hill and past the second moon, that is where I will wait for you.” He promised me before the clock struck noon. “I can’t-“ I began but was stopped by his glistening eyes. “Don’t tell me when or what you can’t do. Don’t promise me that it’s just us two. Look out on the horizon, where I have shared, and know that I will be there.” His words were strings of elegant pearls. I wanted to flaunt them on my chest for everyone to see. But words were meaningless without action. I couldn’t leave or follow his sayings, no matter how much my heart tried to change my mind. One night in the beauty of this man’s words wouldn’t hurt too much, would it? I know my thoughts are sugar cubes laced with arsenic, much like the actions of the man. He’s no stranger to me. I’ve known him for years, but my life has never been the one to follow it’s emotions. “You’ll wait for me?” My words hung on the cold air with hope of a promise. Any form of connection with the moment would be enough for me to agree to the plan. “If you lay down with your fears, yes.” A simple, but complicated answer. I shouldn’t have expected anything different from the ranger of the stars. Tonight would be my last night on planet Aernox. Tonight would be the last time I have of a pre-made fate. After that clock in the sky strikes midnight, I would be free from the shackles of my own creation. “Okay.” I agreed without a seconds thought. “Alright,” he said then turned to ride off into the night. I used to believe I would have that chance to ride off into the endless land. That I could feel the wind welcome me to a home I’ve never been to. It hasn’t happened, but it will tomorrow when I leave.

All that glitters is not gold It may be silver It may be bronze Nothing shines brighter than the love that is gone

All that is sweet is not candy It may be cake It may be coffee Nothing taste sweeter than the words you give to me

But what is not gold and what is not candy My heart longs to hold the expectations of infinity

I’m sorry I don’t talk much. My words are all in my mind. The melodies of my thoughts scream so loud that I forget it can’t be heard by all. Know that I’ve thought about you day in and out. Know that I day dream about our seconds spent together. I fear that my silence had guarded me back. That I have become my own road block on the journey of us. The colors of the world blend together whenever you are around. The swirls of the moment engulf me in a life I never would have found. In and in I self reflect on how it could all go wrong. Breath. I tell myself. Look. I take a step back. Now. “I really like going out with you.” The world calms. Like a big gulp of water on a hot day, I felt refreshed from the sound of your words.
“I feel the same way.” Clarity sparking my mind. The heat of the summer has seemed to fade colder and colder the more we get to know each other. Each day glows brighter when I hear the chime of your messages. I never knew this feeling existed. Movies, books, and music talked about a fondness I didn’t think I was ever going to see. Now that spirit is entangled in my hopes every time I hear your name. “Again.” We once promised each other. Now again seems inevitable. Our paths were formed before our time. Our desires of the world were written in the same chapters, just paragraphs apart. The more we speak, the space between our lives seems to decrease.

I only have one life motto. “If you want something done right, you do it yourself.” Easy. Simple. To the point. That’s why I killed him and that’s what I told the cops. Look, I’ve told you all before. The chocolate was mine. I bought it and I had big plans for it. On Saturday, I was going to crack open a bottle of wine, turn on reruns of whatever sappy sitcom I could find first, and eat my chocolate. I had told everyone at work about it! They all looked at me like I was crazy. Big plans?! To most that night was just a simple Tuesday. Not for me. Now I’m sitting in the police station on a Friday night with my roommates dried blood on my hands. They tried to get me to wash them, but I need everyone around me to know what happens when you disobey the rules.

Every tear you shed sparks a fire in my chest Lay your worries down, please give it a rest.

Every laugh you share breaks my steadfast heart Share the simple sound till the world pulls us apart

Every moment we have, I know it’s not long enough Our time is short, but it will always be us

“I don’t know why. I just couldn’t help myself.” His reasoning for eating my chocolates. “I don’t know why. I just couldn’t help myself.” My reasoning to the cops for killing my roommate. Look, it’s simple. I buy it, it’s mine. Don’t touch and DEFINITELY don’t eat. Or else. It’s written in the contract! They never listen. Yeah, ‘they.’ This isn’t the first time I’ve had to pay the dues for this unspeakable act. It’s just the first time I’ve been caught.

Reflecting back right at me, a child of who I used to be. She looks so joyous and happy, just wait until she takes that dives. I remember around the age of five, when the shallow end felt like she was in the middle of the sea. How her floats were fun and always by her side. Now at the age of fifteen, she walks along the edge of the pool. I can see her fantasizing catching the eye of every guy. A ripple will cause my memories to fade to where all I see is my own face. Eye to eye with who I was and continue to be, I take my dive head first at the end too deep.

To the sun that shines so bright. To the bugs that light up the night. I write to you, my beautiful moon, my flying friends, and scary creatures. Songs have been sung to praise your name, but none have been done in such this way. Your eyes are lost to the mountains that grow, all the way down to the sea that glows. Hidden in the dark woods where sound is absent, poets write about your grace. The words are tied around your neck with beauty, a diamond that catches the gaze of everyone around. Here I sit next to the river you form, creating a space to allow all to mourn. I marvel at the plants by your side and how the animals never seem to hide. The touch of your gentle hand can be seen all around. How lucky am I to have watched all been lost come back to be found? I will do my part to dress you up. Take away the items that pollute and leave you yuck. It will take time to restore your youth, but I write to you to show my proof. I’ll plant a seed for every child I bare. I’ll clean the streams that I live near. The love that forms in my soul is all yours to now control. I’ll leave with you one final wish, let me live among the trees when my time comes. Let me bloom among the rising sun. Let the bees carry my pollen. Just let me please be with you always.