I’m tired of waiting Always waiting Wondering when you’ll notice
I gave you so many signs It’s not hard to understand That I’m not what you Want me to be
When do I have to Destroy the perfect picture Of the girl you think I am
I’m sitting here My world spinning My heart pumping Too fast Too slow My thoughts scattered But you don’t know You can’t see it You won’t see it
“They can find it in anyone” That’s not how it works
When do I have to tell you When do I give up The hope of being perfect Fitting into your box Fitting in
Some people won’t like That I’m saying all of this It makes them feel invalidated Or something like that But when do I get to say That I know myself Well enough to tell
I don’t want to destroy her The dream daughter That you see me as But she never really existed in the first place
When I walked in circles Around Around Around you You told me “Stop sharking” Like I wanted to in the first place That was a sign
When I sast in class And my mind started reeling My heart running When I felt dizzy At the thought of being called on That was a sign
When I wouldn’t eat anything That wasn’t beige And cheesy And simple When I didn’t finish my cereal If it got even a little soggy When I wouldn’t eat anything That I didn’t deem “normal” That was a sign
When I used the carpet To dry my hands Because I hated the feel Of the towels That was a sign
When I couldn’t sleep Unless you held me Read to me At the same time every night In the same place The same voice Or I wouldn’t sleep That was a sign
How many signs does it take To break the box To free myself To get what I need
How many signs does it take To destroy the person You think I am
I’m so sorry That my mind is on fire Burning endlessly Like the hills of California
I’m so sorry That I can’t love you the way you want Unconditionally Fully committed to your lack of love
I’m sorry that we both deserve better I don’t want you Which is horrible because you make me happy But you never text first Never reply quickly Never make the effort Never ask about my day I deserve better
You deserve better too Someone who likes listening to you Someone who needs less validation Someone who looks as pretty as they act But you don’t really want me You just pretend you do
We’re both just so lonely That we jumped in headfirst Without even seeing the water below us
Maybe you lovebombed me Maybe you realized that you didn’t feel it Maybe I did I don’t know what’s happening
Maybe your phone really did get taken away And I’m over reacting
Or maybe we both prefer when the other Doesn’t speak But I’m too nice to talk over you
We don’t belong together We’re too similar Too different We both deserve better I hope you’ll forgive me when the time comes That I have to leave And I hope you know It’s not your fault But you could have tried just a little harder
I’d beg for your forgiveness But I really don’t care if you forgive me It doesn’t matter That’s why you deserve someone better
I wonder if you ever think about me Randomly I wonder what you think when you look at me Do you think I’m pretty? I don’t know You never say anything I deserve better
You owe me an apology that I’m never going to get
But I owe you more apologies than I can count
So I’m sorry we can’t love each other
I don’t know you Maybe I do But I hope you feel it
There are some people who bring it out Make it noticeable Give it to you On a shiny silver platter I have people like that
There are some people who try to take it Because they don’t have it They don’t feel it Yet
Don’t let them get to you
It’s so hard to find it on your own Not impossible But hard
It looks different for everyone But you’ll know when you feel it It’s like a warm hug from your best friend Unless you don’t like hugs Then it feels like something else you love
I found it I’m so grateful for the people that helped me The people that deliver it On that shiny silver platter Every day
I try to do it for others I want them to feel it as much as I do Everyone deserves it Everyone needs it
Sometimes you may think you have it But it’s fake Don’t let that discourage you It exists for everyone
I don’t know what’s next Where I’m going Who you are Or how the world works
But I know that I’ll always have it Here In their arms In their heart In the little corner That we decorated with pink ribbons Because that’s where it is
I hope you have a spot A heart to rest in Arms to hold you A shiny silver platter Where it will be delivered to you By the right people At the right time
I hope you feel it
I love that girl
Her smile Her eyes Her mouth Her jaw Her forehead Her odd hairline
I love her energy Her positivity Her brightness I love when she comes up to me Happy to see me Happy to be with me I love that I’m important to her That she cares about me That she values me
I love her effort How hard she tries For everyone in her life I love her confidence Her attitude Her unpredictability
I love her complexity The feelings and thoughts That she shares with me Because she trusts me
I love her body Because it lets her live It lets her run up to me Hug me Braid my hair
I love her vibe Her consistency Her style That creeps Into other people’s lives
I love her generosity Her kindness Her resilience Her selflessness
She makes me happy Her joy is contagious Her laughter spreads Like wildfire
I love her oversharing Her trauma dumping Her overwhelming thoughts The random videos that she sends When she thinks of me
I love everything about her All that I know All that I don’t Every imperfection Every flaw Every scar
I love her in every way I can I want to be around her I care about her so much She’s never too much for me
Right?
It’s weird being a teenager I feel like I’m not doing it right
It’s nothing like what I’ve heard I don’t feel out of place I’m not awkward I’m not struggling Im not gasping for breath Like they said I would be
It’s weird being a teenager Because I don’t think I really count as one
I’m 15 I’m 12 I’m 13 I’m 17 I’m 23 I’m 15
Is age dysmorphia a thing? I’m so mature when I need to be I’m so young when I feel safe I don’t know how I really act I don’t know who I really am
I know exactly who I am I have the confidence of an Olympian The body of a model The face of a goddess
Stop
That’s too cocky Too confident
Why is confidence bad? Just because no one around me is confident I’m not aloud to be either?
But that’s insulting To me To them Its okay to love myself But I need to do it quietly Otherwise someone might feel bad
I feel bad I lied to you I’m not confident Every time I look in a mirror I want to be different Skinnier Curvier Taller Shorter Smarter Dumber I want to be everything
I’m so tired of being everything I’m exhausted I work And work And work And work And it never gets easier It never feels lighter But it’s so easy So mundane That I really shouldn’t be complaining
I’m only 15 I’m still just a kid
I’m 15 I’m an adult now
I want freedom I want guidance I want someone to tell me what’s wrong with me
There’s nothing wrong with me I’m perfect I’m loved I’m funny I’m pretty I’m smart Why would I be upset?
If I could write a letter to my teenage self I don’t know if it would go to the future Or the past Maybe it would end up in my mailbox in a week I don’t know
I don’t know anything
I know too much
I need to know more
I’m tired of the weight of knowledge
I like my life I hate the world How old am I? Am I really a teenager? Am I real?
At least I look pretty when I suffer
