Is it alright if I lay with you Close my eyes Melt into your fold?
Let’s let the day stay untold Just lay here Our own little mold
Tickled by your fingertip I remember to forget All the stupid quips
In your arms the room feels soft And the corners dissolve While the world turns off
With every familiar breath Your fullness lifts me up Together we both let go
I trust you with my heavy head I know There’s no better feeling Than to finally be home
Our daily rendezvous Same place, same time I hold you to yours And you hold me to mine
I fill my pocket with treats, Then double knot my laces You share you’re eager to greet Both old and new faces
With patience you sit As the door opens A different world awaits us As we were hoping
The air tastes clean, The sun feels new They make quite the team Just like us two
Standing alone awaiting my usual train A soft smile persuades, this is just a normal day But inside an empty heart, wincing in pain Wondering why the light always leaves When I ask it to stay
A rat scurries to darkness along the side of the rail Unbothered by onlookers disgusted and disturbed And in that moment I envy what a rat’s life might entail Disgraced, with a snap I shamefully think I must be perturbed
An unwelcome voice interjects with a catchy tune Proudly presenting me as tonight’s circus act The butt of the joke, tonight’s stupid silly goon Assured these thoughts of myself are undeniable facts
Perturbed? Yes perturbed! Don’t forget disgusting and disturbed! Perturbed? Yes perturbed! Don’t forget disgusting and disturbed!
Now with a faded facade, I wish for anywhere but here There is no escape, no way to turn down the volume dial Drowned in the tune, my thoughts transformed with fear On repeat, I’m left with no option but denial
Is anyone home? Is anybody there?
I prefer my own company anyway. Consumed in my own thoughts any day. Free to do what I want and free to play Anything on my mind, everything’s okay
Doing things on my watch, at anytime Mixing up margaritas without any lime Dancing around, it’s my time to shine Singing songs without knowing any lines
Cooking up snacks - any and every kind The bottom of the bowl I’m sure to find Rid myself of clothes I don’t want any bind Block out the world and close the blinds
Feel the melodies in just my underwear No desire in the slightest to go anywhere Releasing all my worries, not a single care Lighter than a feather, no plans can compare
Just me in the moment doing anything The solitude itself, quite a pleasant thing Best outcome any Friday night could bring Out of nowhere the doorbell dongs a ding
No one’s home! Nobody’s here! …where was I, anyway?
Here the sky descends in a peaceful pause The magic eraser of this day’s flaws
Cloaked in endless layers of colorless blur No option but to give in to the misty lure
The company of clouds, a heavy head cure Vibrant gray hues and a stillness so pure
A cushion from all the noise of society’s stir This moment away, but still work to endure
Mask undone and with a crash on the floor Who are you, and can you truly be sure?
It had been fifteen years since the sun had last risen. Luckily for me, my mother had always emphasized the importance of a carrot-filled diet to see better at night. That, plus by now, my eyes had adjusted. Mostly. What hadn’t adjusted during this excruciating period of life was my mind. Everywhere I looked, everything I saw was dull and lifeless. As if the entire world had been bleached from countless hours of sitting in direct sunlight. I half scoff and half chuckle to myself at the irony. I miss the old vivacious world and how it had once been illuminated by the sun’s warm embrace.
I shiver back to the cold reality of today. Days of the week don’t really matter anymore, but the traffic on the interstate makes this Friday unmistakable. Anxious to fill my time with something, anything, I draw the thermos patiently waiting in my cup holder to my mouth for a sip.
FUCK! It must be a thousand degrees!
The inside of my windshield now looks like the aftermath of a brown-tinted light drizzle. These damn thermos work too well, and I make mental note to order a cheaper, and therefore surely less effective thermos from Amazon later. Is it too much to ask to be able to drink a cup of coffee without personal injury during my morning commute? It doesn’t feel like it should be, but nowadays nothing feels right.
I grab some napkins from my glovebox and attempt to rectify the spat coffee, but with each wipe I find I’m just making matters worse. And just like that, I’m past the point of control. I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and choose to ignore the inevitable consequences to my freshly done makeup.
I can’t believe it’s been fifteen years since I’ve hugged you. Since we laughed together. Since I heard your voice. Since you knew the right thing to say to turn a bad day to a good one. I need that today. I need you today. I need my sun.
I dry my tears with a glovebox napkin and refocus on the road ahead. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. An uncontrollable sigh forces its way into the mix. I wonder if it will take the next fifteen years for my mind to adjust to the darkness. I don’t know if I’m secretly craving it as some sort of reprieve or if the thought of adjusting brings me an overwhelming sense of sadness. I shrug, and consider that maybe the answer is both?
The cars ahead of me start to pick up pace and I follow suit. I suppose for now I’ll just keep driving.
For a moment I ache
For the days I wondered who I would become the days I wondered what life would hold the days I wondered where I would go I ache
For the days filled with hope the days filled with confidence the days filled with awe I ache
For the days I dreamed of the impact I’d have the days I dreamed of being invincible the days I dreamed too many dreams I ache
For the days I cried and didn’t know why the days I cried but should’ve known better the days I cried at what felt like forever I ache
For my old sense of wonder When life felt filled to the brim With dreams With tears I ache
In this moment Just for a moment I ache
The startling sound of friction from the rubber beneath me and the purposely placed road strips snaps me out of a shallow slumber. Eyes half open, I shoot a quick glance to the responsible party for my abrupt awakening, my mother. She is seemingly unbothered by the movements of the wavering wheel and instead has given in to an ever so slight head nod (mostly on-beat) courtesy of the catchy melody of none other than “Fergie-Ferg.” I am sure my mother was not who Fergie had in mind as her target audience when she put pen to paper on her hit “Fergalicious” but here my mother was, fully engulfed in the tune.
Is it possible to preemptively miss someone you’re currently with? I shook myself out of my thoughts and instead let my eyes bounce until they landed on the mile marker rushing towards my window. Before I could think another thought, my eyes struggled to match the speed needed to let the numbers come clearly into focus. With a whiz, the mile marker was gone.
I try again on the next one. To be clear, I can read the numbers, after all I’ve had 20/20 vision my whole life, but I want to maintain clarity through the whole endeavor. From the first moment of recognition to the last possible moment of sight, I want crystal clear imagery. Whiz, another mile marker gone.
In what felt like half the time, a third whizzed past, and I swear at least half the oxygen stormed out of my brain in revolt. Better give the cranium cameras a break from their carnival ride. I get the revolt, truthfully I too get motion sick from sudden movements.
What does that sign say? I try to focus on the distance to Phoenix, but just for a minute, given I was operating at half-staff. Lucky for me, I had enough focus to make out we had 265 miles to go. Didn’t the sign we just passed say 702? How fast are we going? I ponder only for a moment, as I know the time my mother has even let the thought of speeding cross her mind has been equally as brief.
I wonder if my mother’s mother had driven her to college too? I didn’t think so, but it was pleasant to imagine. There was probably no one in the world who made me feel as comfortable as my mother, so it only felt appropriate to spend this car ride clinging on to as many moments of comfort as I could while en route to the unknown that is the rest of my life and my future.
“Mom, I fucking hate you!” I wince as I recall the bitter words forcing their way through my lips. I can’t even remember what the occasion was that prompted such anger but I do remember that I most definitely overreacted.
I catch a little finger dance out of the corner of my eye and now I can hear that she has moved on to joining in on a Fergie and David Guetta collab, though she is about a half measure behind. Earlier she asked me what the words were and I really wasn’t sure myself if they were saying pump or fuck, but for the sake of my mother’s continued joy I told her pump. Five hours later, I only partially regretted that decision.
Mixed emotions return as my thoughts revert back to the substantial page I was currently turning, the last four years of high school. There were some amazing days, and because of what I can only attribute to raging hormones and a lack of outside perspective - there were also days where I was sure I would never make it through.
Every day though, my mother was there for me. Every day, she made sure that on the way to catch the bus, regardless of which side of the bed I had the pleasure of waking up on that day, that my favorite breakfast and breakfast tea would be ready to go. Every day, because of her, I wouldn’t have to miss a beat from barreling down the stairs to out the door and headed for the taillights of my ride to school.
My smile shifted to scowl as I tried to remember, did I ever thank her?
“Here we are dearheart, this is your dorm.”
Dang 265 miles comes at you quick. All around me, hundreds of barely adults were hustling and bustling. A hopeful ache churned inside me. My whole life up to this point, I had contemplated thousands of thoughts in the form of questions and here, the answers awaited me. I was glad to have my mother there beside me in the car. It was as if with her there, none of the soon-to-be answers could phase me, even though they wanted so desperately to swallow me whole. In this car, with my mother, I could breathe. I took a deep breath.
The hug goodbye came too soon, and I watched as my mother’s now empty car slowly pulled out of sight.
Thank you, Mom.
I suddenly awaken to the sound of my own stomach grumbling. I lift my chin from the warmth of my chest tuck to look out the window in an attempt to gauge the time. Crap, still dark. Another grumble, more forceful this time, rumbles deep from within my belly. I need to eat NOW! I let out a low growl, which causes my pet to stir. Strategically, I let out a few more until I see her slowly struggle to peer through her eyelids, still half asleep. One more should do the trick.
Success! We are headed to the kitchen. My pet in her zombie-like stupor has given me a bit too much food, so I dive in face first before she can correct her error. Wow I didn’t recall the intricacies of these flavors, and the satisfaction of each individual crunch. I pick up the pace for no reason other than utter enjoyment.
Okay, time for a nap.
Ding dong! I am shaken from a snore-filled snooze atop my floor cushion to the sound of what I can only assume is a death threat levied against my pet.
“Stand back my dear pet! This is a job for me! I will protect you! They’re going to have to get through me first!” I yell at the top of my lungs as courage courses through every one of 11 pounds of my being, though maybe closer to 12 after the size of that breakfast. There was no doubt in my mind that when the day came, I would successfully protect my pet, and that moment is now. Duty calls. I continue to yell until the threat seemingly retreats. Thankfully my pet has not given in the call of evil at the door, but I can tell she too has acknowledged the threat and raised the volume of her voice accordingly. She turns and directs her stress towards me, but I don’t mind. I know what’s best for her, and the important thing is that she is safe under my watch.
Okay, another nap.
I’m awake again and with a yawn, wake my stiffened joints with a full body stretch. My pet notices and acknowledges me with a proud glow. I excitedly acknowledge her in return. Alert now, I notice nature is calling. My pet and I make our way to the backyard. I sprint there while she saunters behind, a familiar sight that we may as well have rehearsed a million times. A feeling of warmth flows over me as I step into the sun. “Where should I relieve myself today?” I wonder as I admire the countless options. In a rush of awe and wonder I forget about my pet, just for a moment, and run off in no particular direction. This must be heaven, I think to myself. Once I’ve filled myself to the brim with joy (yet am coincidentally empty), we head back inside with a renewed zest for life.
Satisfied and content, I force a deep breath through my nose. I think I’ll take another nap.
My pet clamors to a standing position from her daytime resting spot which startles me mid-dream. She can be so clumsy and loud. From her resting spot she makes a pitter-pattering noise all day, using her rubbing mechanisms in a quite strange way. It used to baffle me at first but I now find it soothing, like a white noise lullaby. My pet is on the move! I follow her to our collective evening resting spot, so that I can take my place beside her. Of all the undeniably splendid parts of each day, this might be my favorite. “Rub me!” I demand as I expose my belly to my pet. She obliges, and full body euphoria ensues. I lose a battle to keep my eyelids open, and allow myself to surrender to the pleasure. Such an obedient pet, I think to myself. I reach for her rubbing mechanism to tell her she is a good girl the best way I know how, with my tongue. Good girl.
Okay, nap time.
We are eclipsed by darkness now and my pet calls me to come with her to our overnight resting spot. She lifts me to where we spend each night together. I remind her she is a good girl with my tongue once more.
I tuck my chin into my chest and drift back into sleep with ease, eager to do it all again tomorrow.
