We watch the sky disappear from a vivid blue to a darkened grey covering up the beauty of the grassy lands before us, in only just a few minutes. “I think it’s going to rain,” I say wanting to leave this place while I shiver in my bikini. I turn away from the lake and reach for my clothes, where I see nerves are making me jingle with anxiety. “Shouldn’t we leave?” I ask desperate to get out of here.

There is a splash, a cascade of water spits out and I can feel some of the remains touch upon my cold fragile skin like a trigger. My eyes dart up to look at the sky still grey and no sign of rain while a thought creeps up on my mind, he hasn’t said a single word to me in awhile. “Cillian?” I turn to face the lake to see not a single soul in sight, not even his.

I walk upon the wooden plank where I hear my footsteps echo like thunder, rumbling with nerves. “Cillian?” I say his name again without making sure I stutter his name, but I do. My voice hurts as it has cracked upon saying his name multiple times without a response. Then I feel forced to jump into this body of water, and there is another splash but this time it is mine. The water trickles on my skin, touching every vulnerable part of me while I bounce in the waves.

I start to calm down as I close my eyes and think of my safe place. _Books, diving into different worlds. Reading transforms me. _The waves ignore me now because it knows I am not their enemy, just a friend trying to swim. “Cillian?” I say his name once more hoping this time I would get an answer. Silence, while the ripples of the waves haunt me.

Then there is something touching my leg, I freeze. It is pulling me down into the depths of this lake. _I thought we were friends. _After my face is plunked into the water, my eyes burn from what seems like salt. But I see him, I see Cillian dragging me down and I try to break loose from his grip that is tight around my leg suffocating the blood from there so now my leg feels numb and I can hardly swim back to shore. I swallow a gasp of water that stops me from breathing, my heart suddenly starts to fall from both the limit of oxygen and the cold temperature of -1 degrees.

But I try to swim, swim away from Cillian who is now trying to take my life. I reach a shallower area where I can allow myself some air spitting out the water stuck in my mouth. However, Cillian has caught up to me as he also reaches up for air right in front of me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I ask him bewildered by his attempt of drowning actions.

“I’m killing you before you have the chance to kill me,” he says as he flips his hair where water splashes onto my skin, my pale frozen skin which feels like glass. If he touches me one way or another, he’s going to break me. Cillian moves forwards to be closer to me, but I freeze just by looking at the man who is betraying me. “But before I do, I want to kiss you one more time. Is that alright?” He asks for my permission, but I shake my head refusing to be anywhere near him. I try to swim backwards away from this human monster, but his arms grab onto my legs pulling me closer to him before he can wrap them around my waist. He leans in and his lips touch mine, electricity bounds us together and I am stuck as I cannot defy electricity. Then he lets go leaving me hanging for more of his taste, and has already drowned me with his love which makes me survive.

“Your love kills me, but you won’t ever get the pleasure to see my dead body,” I say before I sink my teeth into his neck and take every drip of blood from him. It tastes metallic like a sword is digging in my back.

“You think I didn’t know what you are?” He says as he pushes me away. “A blood thirsty vampire who preys on sweet boys who gives you affection. It sure bites you doesn’t it? Pun intended.”

He watches me choke on blood that is filled with ivy, a poison that is deadly to me. He watches me drown into the darkness of the lake below, where I am unable to swim back to shore.

Oh no he hurt me again __ I forgive him __ __ No he’s the worst

Wait where’s my purse

Ahhhhhh I can’t find my purse

There’s a picture in there-

No don’t think of him

I still love him __ __ Aha! I found my purse

Now where are my keys

Oh right there by the-

That’s where he left his

No my keys aren’t there

Are they are in my purse

Yes, yes they are. They’re here

Unlike him

No don’t think of him

He’s the worst

God why are my fingers so shaky

Ah the door is open, wooooo

Ahhhhh it’s freezing, I don’t want to leave

That’s what he should’ve said __ __ But he didn’t, get over him

Yeah I’d rather get under him __ __ Oh shoot I left my phone

It’s on my bedside table I think

Ahhhhh why is this key not working

Just my fingers that are numb from the cold

He makes me feel cold __ __ No

Ahh warmth

Shall I run up the stairs

Yes

I miss being human

21 plus 24 equals 46

I actually have to email Simon about the-

Aha! Here is my phone

New message who’s it from

Oh him

Yes I would love to meet up again and hold your hand and not let go because I don’t want to lose you again. __ __ No, I need a distraction

I shall break my phone in order to not talk to him again

No it’s my only means of communication

Ah no I’m late to go to the dentist

I have to run

Orange. A warm colour associated with beautiful views in both dawn and dusk. It’s vivid but doesn’t destroy my eyes cause it’s kind. Smiling like its lifting my own soul. I walk round them because they are the centre of my love. They hug me and gives warmth, but its burning me of hatred and lies. Something so beautiful is also so deceiving. Orange. A hearty colour that I used to love, because it’s abstract and different from others. Now I’m starting to love red as it isn’t so deceiving, it just burns exactly like a fire. The fire reached my heart shattering it into flames, flames that can consume my soul. But then again, I see orange. Orange will always be in the back of my mind, because orange is the beautiful mistake of my life.

🧡 🧡 🧡

I wish I had never let go My hands lost grip on a beautiful girl That taught me how to love How to shine like the sun above That I should leave this darkened glove And hope for salvation, a dove

I wish I had never let go Guilt is making me trip over my feet Falling over and over again Leaving a pin a stabbing pain On my heart there is a stain The darkness that I belong to remain

I wish I had never let go A future that is now out of my reach So bright yet so destroyed Was shining so beautifully but now burned Flames to my heart, more broken-ed Hatred of myself is returned

I let go of a beautiful girl But I also let go of myself

“There is more out there in the world for us to discover. The destinations and the journeys that we shall go, we will be together. Isn’t that what you want? There is a future written in the stars that is destined for us. We believe in the stars because that is how we met. Our stars collided, we collided helping us to realise what we adore. We collided to have a future that is meant for us,” I say facing Jackson waiting for his response patiently.

“I don’t believe in the stars,” he says shrugging my head off from his shoulder.

“Then what exactly are you looking at?” I reply pointing my finger out to the night sky almost touching the firey aspect of the stars, that makes them burn bright through the night.

“Darkness, Liana.” I rise my chest up and sigh in frustration before I fiddle with my fingers, twisting them around together nervously. There is silence between us that is ripping us apart.

“Then what do you believe in?” I ask waiting for an answer that I expect. I need him to say that he believes in us which will slow down my heart from racing and calm the nasty thoughts that roam around my head. _He doesn’t love you. You’re unworthy. _I shake these off like he is doing with us.

“Religion,” Jackson says bluntly and his word pricks my heart up again, racing like mad trying to get these thoughts to throb against me. It hurts. I turn away and put my head down on my lap, trying to hide my face and the eyebrows of mine that are scrunched down, along with the redness around my eyes because of the moments I regret spending with Jackson.

“I want words of affirmation.” My voice may be a little muffled because it is covered by my shame. “I want you to say you love me without actually using the words.”

“How do you expect me to do that? I don’t know love.” I throw my head up before turning to face him. To face the man that is suddenly breaking me apart.

“You don’t know love?” I shout. “Then what do you call this? What do you call us?”

“Dating.”

“You’re a star, Jackson, that collided onto mine. You fell for my beauty, my shine, my everything. That is something you could say to me at least.”

“I am the wrong star that fell for you. I wasn’t meant to collide with you. I am the right person wrong time because I don’t know love. I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore Liana. Stars or darkness, right? I’ll always choose the darkness.” Jackson walks away leaving me stunned, mouth gaping open to see him leaving and that my thoughts were true. He left. He doesn’t love me. I’m unworthy.

Stars or darkness? Stars. I’ll always choose stars, because I choose to see the good people and want them to shine through their darkness. But Jackson is choosing to stay there in the darkness of this night, not letting himself to shine. And I’m staying here under the black painted sky while he walks from my life, walking from my shine.

A pin drop could fall but not break the empty vast Storms could echo through this room but not last As the only echo is nothingness The clank from the pin feels like the thunder Roaming around the storms making a heartbeat pump The beating goes around fast But a life doesn’t last Listening to the dreadful silence I hear no more heartbeat A pin did drop and did break the empty vast Making my petrified scream last A pin did

Fall.

Like the rain I hear muffling my ears, Silencing myself once more. Believing a pin drop fell breaking the empty vast Storms could echo through this room and they last

Entry Diary #18,

From cravings to lust, I watch their window opposite my own bedroom. Eagerly I sit out of sight to watch their clothes slip off from their delicate porcelain skin to reveal their vulnerability when they are without protection.

I see his eyes move across his room, as if they can feel that they are being watched. They are indeed, by my own eyes.

Then they close the curtains making me unable to capture a glimpse of his nakedness.

Entry Diary #22,

This morning I walked into school, where everyone is huddling around a locker. I did tread lightly but managed to see what the commotion was. On his locker exactly, there was writing in blood saying:

										YOU WILL BE SORRY

I became confused with the other people, but now I chuckle to myself knowing exactly what it means.

Entry Diary #30,

I sat next to him in English earlier. Theo asked me a question on Macbeth about how he isn’t a man.

It’s a little bit ironic, to think of it now as I said, “he isn’t a man because he is scared to face his fears. His fear being his friend Banquo.” I was hinting to Theo, to face _his own fears, _while I knew I am his fear.

Entry Diary #37,

We got into an argument about something stupid, where I accidentally slipped the words out “i love you”. He screamed at me, making me wish I was dead. The words he used were against me saying rude things about my personality, things that are my flaws. He provoked sadness in me, now I am quietly grieving my own grave.

Entry Diary #42,

I waited for him outside his football club. Then I followed him home in the other direction so that we would be forced to have a conversation.

“We need to talk,” I said.

“No we don’t. Stay away from me Lola,” he said before departing into his own home.

Entry Diary #45,

I was holding a knife earlier where I watched a tear fall down in my reflection of the sliver blade. But then I smiled to myself, thinking how great it would be to use this knife against his throat.

Entry Diary #50,

I did it.

Entry Diary #60,

They found his body two months later hung up in a tree. Apparently someone was walking through the forest and they stumbled upon it. But the case became cold as they was no evidence tying itself to a killer, just a suicide.

They say in the news that he was receiving threats from someone as they knew a secret of his. He was frightened they say. He would do anything to keep it a secret, so he buried it in his grave.

But tonight, I’m digging the secret from his grave and now everyone will know what exactly he has done.

———————————

Thank you for reading this. Honestly this is something that I haven’t written before as it is out of my comfort zone and it is a creative choice that I made to leave out some diary entries to add to the thriller suspense of this. Let me know what you think and if there is anyway to improve this.

“You have family, right? So do I. You want to kill me, right? So do I. I also have feelings, don’t you? How do you feel if you want to kill me right now? Would it make you happy? Would you gain something from it?” I say holding my hands up as if to surrender, but talking to a killer is the greatest distraction.

“It would certainly make my life easier, because it would mean you’re no longer in my way,” they reply coldly.

“What am I in the way of? Your future? Because if you kill me right now, you’ll get caught, you’ll go to prison, I would have ruined your future. But if you don’t kill me right now, it means you still have a future with loads of opportunities to come your way. You will be successful, killing me won’t help you to get there.”

“You have two more minutes to convince me not to kill you, so choose your next words wisely,” they say and I feel my heartbeat rising, knowing the end is coming way too soon. I need more time.

“You have two minutes to think this through,” I say trying to twist their words against them. “Two minutes to change your future. You kill me, prison happens. You don’t kill me, you still have a future. What do you want? I know I want a future, I want to grow old with my love, have a family, and be successful in a job that makes me happy. Do you not want that too? A future that you deserve.” I still have my hands up and I notice the figure in front of me become hesitant, as they loosen the grip on the rifle in their hands. _Think this through. _While this person questions their actions, I try to look for a way out of this room where there is only one lightbulb lighting the room. But there is no escape route, nothing. Now, I try to see the face of who this stranger belongs to without walking forwards, but the lighting in the room isn’t helping. I can only see their shadow.

“No,” they say with their voice weakened. It sounds hurt, like I have struck a nerve with my words. “You’ve ran out of time,” they continue and back into their cold embrace, making me wish the ground could swallow me whole. “You tried to convince me, but no. It didn’t work. Maybe try again in your next life.”

They become hesitant again, as if they don’t really want to shoot me with their rifle. Maybe they’re a human after all, with feelings. They know if they kill me, they will lose their humanity. I wait for the sound of the trigger, but nothing. There is stillness in this room. I have used five minutes to convince this stranger not to kill me, and now I am waiting for my death to loom upon me,

“I’m waiting for you to kill me, are you not going to do it?” I say getting impatient. “Just kill me already!”

“No,” they say. _No, _shocks me. “5 minutes. You have 5 minutes to escape before I change my mind.” I stand frozen because I feel physically stunned, that I can escape. So I run against the walls trying to find a door, a way out of this room where I can live that future I dreamt since I was child. This stranger will also be allowed the future because they let me go.

I stop when I feel something poking out from the wall, cold metal against my skin. _A doorknob? _I twist it around and the door unlocks. But I also hear a trigger clicking and I stand frozen in shock.

“Your 5 minutes is over. You tried to convince me not to kill you. You failed. You tried to escape this room. You failed. And I may have just manipulated the time as well, because in fact I actually gave you a minute, not five. Any last words?”

I have none, as I feel my body fall to the ground. I feel as if all my problems and weights have been lifted. I am light as a feather flowing through the wind, flowing for five minutes before I am consumed by darkness all together. And I can feel my own soul drift from my body, like a star dying from the night sky, before my skin turns into a frozen blue. I know there is blood pouring out from my lifeless body, and the last thing I remember is their giggle at my dead body which lingers in my soul for eternity, not for 5 minutes.

The frame around the mirror glass is golden but I don’t dare to touch it. The mirror itself shows my true identity the devil: evil, horrid and burns everything, and again I don’t dare to touch it. Touching the mirror will make my true identity real, and I would have to be the person that haunts nightmares and lurks in every corner of the world. That isn’t me. I am just a girl, who is trying to fight her right to live.

I am forced to look at myself, _trying to face the demons. _But what if the demon is me?

I look around to see nothing, just a forest. Abandoned. Derelict. Alone.

The only sound is my scream, terrifying even to myself because when I look in the mirror all I see is a demon staring back at me.

There are no birds, no other life apart from me. Abandoned. Derelict. Alone.

I screamed to be saved by God, _help me. _But he doesn’t as I am made to be the devil, and I have to face the fear of this being true.

Enforcing myself to be brave, to touch the mirror in order to face my fear. My fingers shake, scared to touch the mirror afraid of what it will do. Touching the mirror, the glass is cold and nothing happens. Everything stops, before I see the demon walking out of the mirror and I am moving into the mirror being tapped forever.

Now I look outside of the mirror, seeing the same reflection. Myself staring back at me, this time I am the demon.

Over and over again. There are thoughts of him. But he left me. He left me in rain, pattering around me. I still remember the smile on his face. Looking at me as if he was laughing at my stupidity. I believed that he loved me, boy I was wrong. There was never love from his side of our relationship. It was one sided.

Over and over again. I stay in bed till the afternoon. Trying to remember if there was a moment where he loved. But from the cloudy memory, there is nothing. There is only fog making me realise that there was in fact no love. He left me wondering why. Why he had to do what he did. Why did he hurt me and make me believe, That there once was love.

Over and over again, I cry. Over and over again, I die. Knowing that if we never met, Then I wouldn’t be so heartbroken.