Pain. Sharp and deep. I never liked pain. Or things that hurt me. But here I was. Laying in a tub half full, with a cold blade against my wrist. How did I come to this conclusion? I’ve seen enough. Enough of what life has to offer me to leave early. Enough of all the rape, torture, murder and war. Enough of all the love, family, friends and warmth. Nothing felt real. Nothing felt like mine. I was used, a thrown away toy discarded from people’s thoughts. To my family I was a disappointment, To my friends I was an annoyance, I had no love and the only warmth that was left was that of the water I sat in soaking in my blood. This was for me. My first and final decision. Pain. Sharp and deep. I never liked pain. But somehow this felt different. Deeper, sharper. Until finally, the chill stopped.
Red stained my hands and clothes, spreading to every nearby surface. I looked in the shattered mirror, in the corner I saw the flash of a knife; it was as if it was reminding me of what had just occurred. I focus back onto my reflection, no sympathy or grieve. She deserved this, she knew he was mine. She dared to cross a deeply rooted line and this was her consequence. Even if it had been years since I saw him, he was still mine. And how dare she touch something that wasn’t hers. I had always told him that if he wasn’t going to love me, he wasn’t going to love anyone.
It’s weird to think that someone can be living and breathing right in front of you and the next minute they just, stop. How does someone go from talking and laughing to being just gone, dead. Even now I wonder how just a few days ago we were talking and now you’re here. In a grave. How can such a petty accident erase a persons whole future, how can it erase every single memory you had with them. ‘I love you.’ The grass was moist from the rain of yesterday, however if I didn’t tell you now, I never would. ‘I love you and I hate myself everyday for not telling you’ tears streamed down my face blending into the growing rain pour. ‘I can’t live without you, I don’t know how to’ I screamed knowing you can’t hear me. ‘I hate it! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you!’ My chest was in so much pain my throat aching from the tears. I’ve never lived without you and the pain of knowing your gone and will never come back was eating at my broken heart. Shattered into a million pieces, my life was being drained away into the soil along with the rain. ‘I love you’ I cried out, ‘you have to know that, how can you die without telling me how you feel!’ It’s not your fault, but it’s not mine either. ‘I need you to hear me, I need you to know’ I don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe I really can’t live without you, or just maybe I’ll find a way. But I’m never going to forget you, and someday when I die I’ll meet you, and tell you in person just how much I love you. Forever. And always.
Life never goes as planned. It’s never perfect nor an absolute mess. It goes through every unexpected turn you throw at it. I learned at a very young age, that you can’t stay on track if you close your eyes. I’d sat at my desk writing stories about millions of situations. But, how does one tell a well structured story, when their life is absolute chaos.
The world looked different from up here, It was quiet and the city looked asleep. Twinkling lights shined in the distance as a delicate breeze brushed against my skin. This was it. I wasn’t scared or anxious, I was relaxed and calm. All my worries and hurt had flew far away into the night sky. As my eyes flickered down again, I saw street lamps flutter from beneath. With one last deep breath, I took my first step to a new beginning.
Goodbyes are always hard. When you first meet a person you don’t think about the day you’ll see them for the last time or begin to think of them as a stranger. So when I heard the news that the lump growing abnormally large on my right breast was cancer, I knew there wasn’t much time. There were too many people, too many people to say goodbye and too many people who I couldn’t leave just yet. Every time after the diagnosis when I stared into my husband eyes they shined with hope, that I would get better and push through the treatment. But the days grew long and I got worse. The shine in my husband eyes eventually turned into sorrow, I knew even then that I couldn’t do this to him. Cancer was ruining our ordinary sweet life. The baby growing in my stomach would have its life cut short before it even began. I didn’t even get the chance to tell anyone, no one knew I was pregnant. Every night I would lay awake knowing that if the lump hadn’t appeared or I did my regular checkups like I was told to, I would be having a beautiful baby with my loving husband. We would be a family, however knowing that they were only fantasies broke my heart. I was going to leave this world and leave my husband alone. When the time came leaving wasn’t easy, but I knew I needed it to keep myself from falling apart in front of the people I love.
Soulmates, platonic or romantic, are the apparent person that was destined to meet you. However at the ripe age of 21, I had yet to find so much as someone to call a friend, let alone a best friend. Perhaps it started when I was younger, the children would just waltz by without so much as a glance my way. Or maybe it was my vibe, I guess loner didn’t seem to be an appealing quality. Slowly as I grew, my count in friends stayed very low at the high number of 0. Eventually as I reached high school, you could say I just accepted it, no one bothered to talk to me so why should I make the effort. Who needed friends when you could sit in your room everyday with no plans and no one to complain about how lonely you felt to. Yeah… definitely not me. Even though I had been alone all these years the loneliness still crept through my veins, how much nicer school would be to have a partner in group assignments or just have someone to sit with at lunch. Sometimes I would contemplate my own existence, am I really so invisible people just don’t see me? Or do I just not exist? What if I’ve been in a coma for years and I’m dreaming? What if I’m a npc character in a game? But no matter how many situations I came up with it usually ended with me just accepting the first one over and over. Years of acting unnoticeable eventually made you become unnoticeable to everyone, even teachers.
I think it was in primary school when I first noticed it. That fact my skin had a translucent tinge, and the fact I didn’t appear in reflections. (I can see where you think this is going and no I’m not a vampire).
It was the first time in middle school when I really started debating it; a news story about the anniversary of a 9 year old girl going missing, the picture of the girl was…me. But how could I possible be missing if I was here walking around. A word came to mind in my small middle school brain, ghost.
When I started high school it finally struck my head, that I was dead. A news update about the nine year old girls rotting corpse being found in a river, unrecognisable, was the word they used in the broadcast. I was a ghost somehow stuck in the living world and I was ageing at that. I had no idea what would happen when I grow into an old granny, if I would really die or just live on for eternally.
I guess I wouldn’t know, when I was living I was alone, outcasted by piers for being a loner when they made me into that. And after death I was tortured with the infinite feeling of being unnoticeable forever. But what I could I do. I’m just a ghost with no friends.
For days when I was younger, I would sit on the curb to my house and watch the cars drive by. I would wonder what their names were and where they were going. Sometimes I would get the thought that maybe my soulmate had just driven past and I had no idea. Nowadays the thought of a soulmate is hard to conjure up. I believe growing up makes the magical experience of love somewhat fade into a realistic perspective, that one day I won’t be stuck in a love triangle or have someone fall in love with me at first sight; rather I would most likely meet them at my job or local grocery store. It wouldn’t be an epic love like in the fairy tales, it would be a basic marriage that would statistically end in divorce. I think everyone loves the idea of love but barely any get to actually experience what’s it’s like to fall deeply in love with another person, to devote yourself to them completely and them do the same. The reality of it is that it’ll probably never happen for me and I’m ok with that, but at night when I stare in the darkness a thought creeps into my mind that deep deep down inside of me, I desperately wish that I could.
