“How dare you! I can’t believe you would go and say something so absurd!”

“Absurd? Absurd?! You’re seriously calling me absurd right now? You’re the one going on a rampage like a toddler pitching a fit.”

“Ohhhh wow so original, calling ME the child here- you’re no different!”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m calling you, and I’ll keep reminding you until you’re ready to have an adult conversation. That’s the difference between you and I. I’m always ready, you never are.”

“I-I” the raging woman huffed harshly in frustration “I hate you!”

She froze instantly as the words left her lips, eyes wide with instant regret. She hadn’t meant to spew such heavy words on such a miniscule argument.

“Well, Ashley, if I knew you felt that way I would’ve decided to end things a long time ago. Maybe we should reconsider things if you really can’t stand me that much.”

A fury fueled by hurt boiled in her blood at the ease with which he was so flippantly suggesting they throw away all they had built over the past six years. Tears welled from the heat of her anger.

“Maybe we should.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Tears now welled so the only thing Ashley could see was the fractured image of her now ex, Noah standing in front of her cooly.

Without pause Noah turned and stalked into their shared apartment bedroom, slamming the door behind him and effectively ending the conversation.

Now left standing alone in the middle of their living room, still bathed in the soft light of their Christmas tree, the molten rage she once felt cooled until the only feeling left was that of an icy pit in the bottom of her stomach. Dread washed over her at the finality of their words and along with it a much more intense feeling of regret and shame. Why had she let the rage she felt consume her like a wildfire covering a hillside? She could have just as easily stopped things from escalating as she did encourage it.

At last, the tears began to fall. She covered her lips as she began to feel them tremble, shame washing over her like a rogue wave.

Could she still fix this?

Truthfully, she didn’t know. Her and Noah had known each other for years even before they started dating, yet they’d never had an argument quite like this one before- one so filled with heat and venom.

Slowly, she began to make her way to their guest bedroom usually reserved for when their friends and family came to visit from home. With a stillness and silence so unlike the fire that had so volatiley burned just five minutes ago, Ashley closed the door and shuffled over to the bed. As the tears poured and her hideous cries of shame began, Ashley crawled under the covers and lay in the dark alone- just as she felt she deserved to be.

The rest of the weekend went by quietly, with Ashley successfully managing to avoid any run ins with Noah. Most of her time was spent making an indent into the right side of the guest bed, where she cried endlessly. She could hear each night Noah answered the door that weekend, howling and jeering happily with his friends before leaving to go out for a night at the bars. The part that crushed her more than anything was never hearing him come back.

As she cried pitily, she couldn’t help but feel like she deserved all of it even more.

Sadly, tomorrow was Monday which meant she would have no choice but to get up extra early if she was to continue to avoid running into Noah. They both usually had work around the same time and would usually share their mornings together- “Start things on the right foot,” they would say.

As much as she craved to see him and talk to him, apologize even, Ashley didn’t think she could face him after acting the way she did. Part of her knew she should at least try, but the burn of her shame kept her from listening to what she knew was true. So she crept from her room silently, ushering into the kitchen to refill her now empty water bottle. She’d staved off her thirst long enough until the sound of Noah’s footsteps were no longer heard and Ashley could be sure he’d gone to bed.

As she rounded the kitchen corner, her hunch had been proven correct- all lights were off with Noah nowhere to be seen. With a subtle sigh of relief, Ashley opened the fridge and grasped the pitcher of filtered water they kept there. Turning to grab her water bottle, she froze. Blue icy eyes pierced into her soul from the doorway of the kitchen. Noah was in fact up.

“I…”

She began formulating words only to realize that she wasn’t even quite sure what to say. It was more than possible he didn’t want to hear anything from her in that moment if the look in his eyes was any indication. Instead she gulped the words she didn’t feel the strength to utter, opting to turn and finish filling her bottle.

“I was just heading to bed.”

She turned to begin her exit from the kitchen when a tall bare chest stepped in her way.

“After three days of avoiding me that’s all you have to say?”

She chanced a glance to his face and was stunned to find a deep hurt pooling in his eyes. She’d expected a blaze of icy anger, not the blue depths of despair she now gazed into.

“I… I think I’ve already said enough.” She didn’t utter the unspoken words that lay beneath hers, ‘I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.’

His face scrunched into a glare.

“You don’t just get to tell me you hate me without offering me an explanation.”

He was right. She owed him that at the very least. Nevertheless she could feel the flames stirring in her chest.

“If you wanted an explanation so badly then maybe you should never have stormed off.”

His piercing gaze flicked between her eyes as though contemplating. Then, without warning, Noah reached forward and grasphed Ashley by her hips. Before she could protest he pulled her into him, wrapping his left arm around her waist as his right hand tangled itself in her hair. He burried his face in her neck, a new sense of desperation seeping from his voice.

“Please, Ash, stop this. I don’t want to fight anymore.” He paused, waiting for her to resist him and fight back. When she didn’t he continued, “I’m sorry for what I said, deeply and truly. It was a stupid thing to say.” He took another breath. “I just want you in my arms again, Ash, but I need to know if you meant what you said. I need you to talk to me.”

Ashley couldn’t fight the tears that had been lingering under the surface anymore. She clutched onto the back of Noah’s shirt like her life depended on it as her cries came forth.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it, Noah I’m so sorry…”

Noah simply held her as the fire that once pooled in her belly doused, placing gentle kisses in her hair.

Ashley knew deep down it was his way of forgiving her and the ever molten fire that she sometimes became.

I stare at the mirrors Don’t recognize the scene. Faces filled with fear Stare blankly now at me.

They did this all themselves! I swear on my mother’s grave! But now as one they meld- To them, I have not obeyed.

No! I did, I promise! I’ll scream until I’m blue Still, my cries go remiss They’re coming to mutilate you.

Meet my demons, see- I’m not the problem here! Now stop begging for mercy! None of them really care!

You say I’m a monster, So funny, I’ll laugh! But I’ve had a running roster They’ve been like my staff.

They do as I say- Until now, I presume. Make no mistake- it’s I they create And monsters that I room.

Oh, the sights I see On the mountain top I climb- Where cities are the size of speckles And roads are a mere thin line.

Oh the sights I see On the edge of the world, the shore- Where the sky goes on for days And the ocean for even more.

Oh the sights I see On a never ending plain- Where windmills cut the air And each direction seems the same.

Oh the sights I see On a swamp’s dock I walk- Where crocs slither silent And the stillness never stops.

Oh the sights I can see When I move both near and far Fill my cup- my soul- my spirit When the world’s tearing me apart.

Oh the sights I can see- When all I must do is seek- Gives me the strength I need When I’m left feeling weak.

Five hundred years ago this never would’ve been happening. I would say that the sadness of knowing my days are numbered has overtaken me, but day by day as my joints stiffen and my vision dulls, so too do my emotions begin to fade away until all I feel is a numbness. I’ve come to accept my place in this world- my role I must fill as everyone before me once has. It’s what makes our world nowadays go round.

It all started in the times when nature was only used for man to capitalize upon. When the oceans had risen to overtake land, the glaciers had all melted, and every ounce of this Earth was so polluted that no ecosystem could thrive anymore. The consequences of this behavior all came to a head when raging storms forced mankind to move to a place even tsunamis couldn’t reach. Those who refused to leave their source of income, who clung to their convoluted ideas of the world, were killed by Mother Nature herself in turn. The others who left their greed in search of refuge fled to the highest mountains and made a deal. In exchange for their lives, humans agreed to return what had been taken from Mother Nature for thousands of years. In kind, she was gracious and offered them each 100 years to live before she would return to enact their agreement. That agreement was the ultimate sacrifice of each person being returned to the Earth in whatever form it needed at the time.

Apparently, right now Earth needed a tree.

“How are you feeling?”

My gaze slowly turned to the voice that had spoken. Though it was muffled, I could vaguely make out the meaning of her words.

“Thirsty…”

Something stirred behind me in response before a glass of water appeared before me. I didn’t know how it came to be, or how it came to be so quickly but I didn’t think twice before guzzling down the beverage, relief overtaking me at the feeling of being quenched.

“Thank…you.”

I couldn’t hear any response if one was given to my words, but the feeling of something warm and firm around me reassured me that my loved ones understood my gratitude. They all knew the same thing I did- I didn’t have much time left.

“I… love you… all…”

The warmth intensified around me, enveloping me until the cold seeped from my weary bones. Again, I did not hear any responses, but I could feel their love regardless of my lost sight and sound. I could only hope now that whatever happened to me in my final minutes, they would not feel the pain of any kind of loss. I would still be here, only fulfilling a new purpose.

Steadily, as I knew it would, the numbness I had begun to feel grew. I could not feel anything, my vision had grown dark, and there was a pleasant quiet that had overtaken my ears. Like being wrapped in a fluffy blanket that drowned all the world out. I felt as though I was floating, comfortably exisiting in a plane I hadn’t known was there before.

It felt… oddly peaceful.

And as I floating in this quiet existence, rendered myself free to it, I could feel my…thoughts…

slowly…

drifting…

and drifting…away…

until all that was left…

was nothing.

I run down the empty street, feet bruising as they pound the pavement. There are tears streaming uncontrollably down my face, and my lungs are screaming as I heave and I gasp and I hiccup all the oxygen I possibly can. Despite my efforts, I feel as though I’m suffocating, feel as though I’m drowning. My eyes, though blurred by tears, are locked wide open- constantly searching and scanning the dark shadows and crevices that whizz by as I go.

My heart pounds in my throat.

Sweat drips down my brow.

I can feel my teeth buzzing like a hive of angry bees nested in my gums.

I have no feeling in my fingers.

But I can’t stop.

If I stop that means I die too.

From a distance I can hear the sound of their shrill, panicked shouts. They’re upset, I can tell from the tone of their voices that cut sharper than knives that they are not pleased I got away.

Panic spurrs me on as the volume of their yells grows louder and louder with every step. With a newfound spark of fear I decide to dart left, hoping and praying with everything in me that it puts them further off my tail.

I can’t let them catch up.

I can’t let them catch me.

My hands, already slick with a sickening combination of blood and sweat grasp a pipe on the wall in preparation to turn right down an even smaller alley. Just as I turn, however, I’m horrified as I collide with something hard. Not just something, though, no. Someone. Arms grasp my own before I can dart away.

My heart sinks.

I can’t help the tears that run like a river as I begin struggling against their unrelenting hold. I beg and cry and plead with them to spare me. I tell them I’ll do anything if they just let me go.

I don’t want to die.

I thrash and cry and hiccup and sob like there is no tomorrow- for me, I realize, there might not be one. Suddenly, without warning, their hold is no longer as tight and I finally begin to register the words this stranger has been trying to tell me.

“Rys, look at me. I’m not going to hurt you, just look at me, please.”

The voice is soft but deep, and it’s one I definitely know. My eyes dart to his face, and though it’s dark out, I can make out the features of someone I know well. Someone I had just watched die in front of me. I begin to sob as relief floods through me.

Though his hold is light, I throw myself into him, pressing my palms to his back to make sure he’s not just a figment of my imagination. I need to know if he’s really alive.

I laugh incredulously as he returns my embrace. I can feel his breath rise and fall under my palms. Somehow, he survived a fatal gunshot wound. I didn’t ask how, I didn’t even need to know. All that mattered was that he’s alive.

He’s alive.

“Come on, I know a place we can wait out the night.”

I nodded, and without a word broke from our embrace to take his hand. Finally, I can breathe.

We’re going to be ok.

A glint to the left Strikes a shimmer of blue- Then a glint to the right Changes that hue. A gaze back to me Seems a trick of the light, As now his eyes are blank- Overtaken by all white.

Panic overtakes me As the truth sets hard in- This adolescent has inner chaos Flowing to its own whim.

Though chaos does in fact flow Through every coursing vein, Those sent to my guidance Have complete control over its domain. Control of chaos is what’s key Needed to remain stable And content within oneself To avoid anything fatal.

But the look within this eye- Ever changing in hue- Shows the mind of a madman Barely hiding from view. I see it more than clearly- His thoughts run through and through Saying over and over “I want to kill you.”

His thoughts stay only that, For now until who knows. Regardless I refuse to speak And reap what’s he has sown. I can’t bear the thoughts, Running through his mind. For I know that we will suffer If his chaos is so inclined.

When a friend asks me, “Where do you want to go?” I give them my answer. So we go.

When another friend asks me, “What do you want to do?” I give them my answer. So we do.

When I tell a friend, “I don’t care where we go,” I wait for them to say, “Neither do I.” But really, of course I care.

When I tell another friend, “I don’t care what we do,” I wait for the inevitable, “Neither do I,” Which just makes me feel unfair.

Because the truth is I know where I want to go, I know what I want to do. But I don’t want to be selfish.

Yet deep down inside I want what I want Because I know that I want And it consumes me until finally, All I can think in the moment is ‘Want... I... want.’

Feedback would be much appreciated, thank you!

• Kathryn

I sit on the park bench, a breath of relief escaping my lungs. The work day is finally done, and with it a crushing pressure to be, do, and say everything that’s right. I can finally rest- can finally breath without worrying about the aftermath of a heavy exhale.

“Excuse me,”

My eyes snap towards the voice. It’s a teenage boy- no older than sixteen.

“Yes?”

I try to smile reassuringly- to convince this stranger I’m normal and fine. To draw attention away from the bags under my eyes, the wrinkles on my blouse, the mere fact that I’m a grown woman sitting alone on a park bench at night.

“My friend is trynna get a charger for his phone so he can call his folks and get a ride home.” He turned around briefly to point to a gaggle of teenage boys that reaked of trouble. “None of us have enough money for it though- do ya happen to have seven bucks you could lend?”

My gaze returned to the kid, who’s gaze was poorly masked with mirth beneath his plead. I sighed as my heart tugged despite my thoughts.

What if he was telling the truth?

“Yeah, whatever you want,” I began digging through my wallet.

I walk home with an easy pace. The plastic grocery bags dig into the skin of my palms, but I don’t let it concern me. It’s a lovely day out, made even lovlier by a day off of work. Finally, I feel at peace.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

I pause mid-stride, fumbling with the bags to reach the phone tucked in my sweatpant’s pocket. I don’t look at the caller ID before hitting the green button.

“Yes?”

I hear someone curse on the other end of the line, followed shortly after with thuds in the background.

“Hi, Elise? I’m so sorry to bother you, I know it’s your day off. Look, we’ve run into a bind. Cindy just called in sick and Tom had to leave to take his kid to the ER from daycare. You know I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need to, but can you please come in?” Another thud. “We’re swamped today.”

I slow my pace as the weight of my manager’s words put an unexpected droop in my posture.

“Yeah, whatever you want.”

Tears burn behind my eyes as I stand on the moving train. My phone sits painfully in my pocket, but the words he wrote are seared behind my eyelids.

‘Jake: I’m breaking up with you.’

Two whole years, out the window like that. I couldn’t even ask him why, ask what I did. Frankly, I didn’t want to know.

Buzz. Buzz.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want to look- don’t want to read anymore of his painful words.

But what if he needed something?

What if he was in trouble?

What if he was scared?

What if he was just joking?

My phone was in my hand in an instant. The screen glowing bright in the dimly lit cabin. But it isn’t who I’d thought it was.

‘Carla: Ben just proposed!!!!! Omg I can’t believe it, can you talk?’

Tears blurred my vision as a bitter feeling settled in my chest.

‘Elise: Of course, whenever you want!’

I look up just as the tears fall- just as my phone starts vibrating in my hand. If the wishes of others fell like the rain... it certainly feels like I’m the storm from which they fall.

The presence, Like a breath of fresh air, Pumps oxygen through my blood. All evidence, Like a hundred eyes, stare- They bring waves of emotion; a flood.

The disappearance, Like my worst nightmare, Makes me choke on water turned mud. The abhorrence, Like a never-ending affair, Refuses to relinquish its judge.

The absence, Like an unimaginable fear, Burns cold and harsh like an unrequited love. All pleasantness, Like a hudred knives, tear- They render new memories bitter; the old, numb.