(I turned it into a poem hehe)

Your violence came with no blood No harm was set on us No poison was unleashed

Your silence was loud Your outbursts quickened Your auburn stained face set the scene

The mileage she took to save you For the news of you limited time You set for higher goals- Of greater destruction

You believe that the toxin would numb That their words were wrong “It wont harm” “Its only a sickness, their scans were wrong”

You antagonize our family Framing us of your death But you’ve failed to realize you’ve killed me

Tortured my heart Blamed my strength And Neglected my innocence

Everyones eyes are on you Worried over your self made massacre But the perfect murder stays unseen

Bit by bit Drop by drop

Its to heavy to handle And I feel it begin to cave

This dam ive built has begun to crumble. It was strong A fortress of solitude I was confident and content The barren lands of my heart were dry, voided of life with no room for dispare.

Until you

Cracks climbed the walls; scaling my mind like vines Spouts of water would stream through Leaking through my tears, as you continue to beat down on the doors.

Like a final storm, the dam broke. A Tsunami hurls its way through my veins, And I begin to drown My mind wholly consumed by you

Every thought Every action Every time I look towards my screen I turn to you like a breath of air As im suffocating beneath the waves of my emotions.

I built that barricade to protect myself Yet you continue to break down my walls Persevering through my swirling pool of a mind,Flooding me with Desire and anticipation.

This foreign feeling has become addictive I long for your conversation and endless rambles I yearn for your attention, your awkwardness and acknowledgment, Hoping that a ripple of my adoration someday reaches you.

My adoration for you began like a seed. Planted in the cool earth to grow and enlarge.

As I grew, it followed suit. Strengthing with the years of love and care. The work you put in as its gardener created a blosoming rose

Years of vibrant colours and a reinforced stem You watered, nourished, cared

But my growing perception browned the tips

You dropped the hose You left it to fend for itself You ignored the care of the bush you began to grow

Letting it down, it wilted, losing its once vivacious life.

I was left to pick up the petals, One by one Re-glueing the buds back together. Re-growing the damage you brought Re-hydrating your drought

‘ I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.’

All the distance And difference That others have persevered is a great achievement

I feel drowned And Displaced Forced upon an uneasy path, watched like a candy to a kid

All the difference…. My slanted eyes… Lost connections .. Disappointed ancestors. Failed expectations

I never choose to walk the road less traveled by, I felt thrown into the sharp bushes, tumbling through the weeds like an acorn

I wish go go beyond the paths Exceed my own expectations Surpass those given a free ride

I watch you dance Your short curls flowing with your grace Your expression unwavered by the hundreds of faces

I watch you enviously Your unmatched work jumps at my vision The way your adorable grin smears across your face The joy you bring to the world puts the sun to shame

I sit siliently…Waiting… Watching

Dancing in the background of your shadow You can see me, if you tried And you have The small note I received in the cold dark winter day, bringing the warm summer feeling to my stomach shows it

The few words you speak of me throughout the year just solidifies the permanence of the butterflies flirting around the stage

Others have claimed you as the ugly duckling How wrong they are. Your misty eyes pierce through the air, sending a chill down my very spine. Even when curled up in the corner of the room Your presence never fails to overwhelm the atmosphere with a calmness.

I search for you In between the pages of my favourite book, Or between grocery isles Or in the sky, my vision illuminated by the moon, whose existence is crucial to the weather of the earth, as you are to my perception to self.

Even behind your shadow I feel my self grow, A spotlight in the waves of the curtains, I dance for myself And I dance with you

I dont want to think about it

I dont want to see it

I dont want to awknowlege it

I dont want it to exist

I want to continue waking up next to you I want to sing with you I want to hold your hand under the table

I dont want time to continue

I dont want to witness your peppered hair grow greyer Though you will look handsome

I dont want to think about a time without you

I pray to the gods And you know I dont worship them

I pray for time to stop Pause

Give me more time with you

I refuse to let time take you away from me

I refuse that there arent any ways for you to live on with me

I refuse to be left alone for the next 700 years

I want you to keep holding onto my dark grey arms, twirl my white hair, make jewelry for my pointed ears, cradle me when I think about you, I want you too warn me when I lose my temper.

I never asked the seconds to take you away from me

I never want to go to bed without you

I never want to breathe without you near me

I never want to enjoy the sun without you

3 days November 20th 2023 72 hours

4,320 minutes till complete “freedom” Free to do what?

Free to think for myself? Free to make my own decisions? Free to drink ? Free to smoke ? Free to live ? Free to fall into the hands of dirty adults who “know how to help”

Freedom Everything I’ve wanted since i was 12

The word seems foreign, never have I had the luxury of relying on myself Others will still try to belittle me “Im an adult” The idea terrifies me Just yesterday I was 14 Four years ago I was 14 Playing games Stayying in, away from the disease the adults called life.

I envied my friends, getting to grow up, allowed to leave the hole of a town we live in I hated that they left me here Left me alone to dwell in the pity of their thoughts

Im guilty, im going to leave my friends here, under the criticizing eyes of their peers. Im going to get my well deserved freedom

My life

I turn to you, whenever the thoughts get loud I look to you, when I need the distractions I read you like an open book, Flirting over the words, Indulged in your deepest moments Fixated over the words you carry

Like the pages in a book, I let my fingers linger on the page, guiding me through an unknown world Lost in-between the lines Content and comfort lead me astray Distracted by the spine, grazing along the edges like a statue Listening to the heart beat through thin layers

Beyond the stories Beyond the heartbreaks Beyond the pages Burns the fire reflected in your eyes

Light is the warm glaze the sun gives off Light is the feeling when a day has gone well Light is the autumn leaf floating to the ground

It is not the wind whipping at your hair It is not the feeling of dread when going home It is not the mouthfull of sand I feel draining down my throat when waking up.

Light may be the girl in class with the perfect body I am not light

Light could be love, holding hands when no one is watching Light does not touch without consent

Light?

Light is the bird, soaring above the clouds Light is the grain of sand in-between your toes Light is the paper with an F

Light cannot be the lead engraved in your feet, dragging you along life Light cannot be the bruise you got from your father Light cannot be the heavy heart you carry

The light flickers in the dining room, it follows you through your broken home, Trying to keep you afloat just a little bit longer As you sink and dwindle through the sand. Trapped under something so light by itself.

We walk through the castle hallways, we move for what seems like hours, the endless halls making our perception of time derail. eventually were led to a door, it’s large and engraved with ancient carvings, the sun is hidden in one corner while a battle of souls is spaced around the rest. Surrounding me, the party I joined begin to whisper amongst themselves

On my right side, my new light stands, my reason in being here. without her persuading me into joining the party, I would be stuck in my deadbeat tavern.

Now I’m here breaking into an ice castle, trying to kill a god.

her long white hair flows with the winter breeze, her face is stern, focused on whatever it is beyond the door. on her ears, she wears a large amount of jewelry, I’ve never noticed that the singular teardrop ever glowed. it’s not too dark in here but I guess it must be the lighting.

The rest of our party members are in front of us finish their conversation and decide on pushing the door open and continuing forward. For a second I feel my breath hitch in the back of my throat. The corridor in front of us is dark, it takes a moment , but then unlit torches hidden on the wall begin to burn a light blue, slowly illuminating our path. The ceiling is tall enough for at least 5 goliaths stacked on top of each other. the stone walls glisten with the newfound heat sources. dented along the walls, encased in blocks of ice stand adventurers, down the entire hallway, people of all races and sizes stay frozen in time. Gasps escape a few of us realizing the horrors upon us. The smaller form beside me begins to walk forward, she presses forward without hesitation, almost breaking out into a sprint, and her earring begins to glow brighter as she moves. Confused, we take after, following her footsteps as she blindly continues leading. everyone falls silent as we chase after Varis, the only sound can be heard from our footsteps and the odd rat scurrying away from us. it’s too quiet. several thoughts race through my mind, what is she doing? What happens if there’s a trap, is she under a spell, wow As she races ahead of us, I’m reminded of my wife, long hair swaying with each step, a determined presence, almost intimidating. taking my breath away with each stride.
Varis stops a few feet ahead of us, her eyes locked onto one of the frozen figures.

“Varis, what’s going on?” our red-headed half-elf asked.

were met with silence. looking up on the pedestal where the ice is, i notice that the same turquoise glow is emanating in the cube, sparkling the ice fragments within creating a kaleidoscope view on the stone floor under our feet. confusion runs through all of our faces. looking closer at the person stuck inside, I see the same dark skin as Varis, white hair pulled into a tight ponytail, similar breathtaking facial features, on this Drows ear, the same earring that my love wears. Questions form in my head, the world begins the spin with all the different possibilities of this. Is this her love, was i just a toy, who is this person, how did they get here, why are all of these people trapped? strings pull at my heart, I look over towards Varis to get answers, her eyes are wide open, staring blankly at the sight, nothing comes across her face, she looks like a shell of who she was before. looking at her again she looks smaller, more fragile than the person she was one day ago. the supposedly strong and commanding Drow seems to be breaking, and falling through the ground in front of me.

“we don’t have the time for this, let’s get going” an agitated voice boomed, I look back and see Bruce, our large shark man, and some of the others begin to move forward again.

looking back towards Varis, my own thoughts take over again, I wonder if this person was close to her, someone important that she lost and has been searching for. instead of fear and anxiety churning my stomach, my heart melts. “yeah.., let’s get going” Forcing her eyes to wander off, Varis turns to take up the back of the party.

I watch as she takes one last glance at the man in the ice, and continues forward. Her steps don’t carry the same weight in them as before. , she walks beside me, reserved and out of place. I lack to find any hint of anger or confusion on her face, she’s moving but it’s almost like she herself is trapped in the ice.

“you know” I pause, “I’m here, Varis”

I see her eyes gloss over, and with the slightest turn of her mouth, that’s all I need to know that she heard me. We proceed with silence, taking in each other’s presence. the blue flames illuminate and guide us to the Frost Maiden.
At some point in our journey, I feel Varis slip her hand into mine, I give her hand a couple of squeezes. Something I used to do with Myra. I promised I would follow her where ever she went. Finding Varis was finding her again. I just hope that Varis can find her other person in me.