I love you, But I don’t know if I’m still in love with you.” “The is my time for me to be selfish.” “Y’all just don’t want me to be happy.” You always liked watching fires You told me; the colors made everything brighter That when the sparks crackled you got goosebumps Chills would rush through your body & fill your lungs with ambition The smell of things burning pleased you Made you feel Powerful & fulfilled Just like a fire You loved to destroy everything around you Especially me You would light every emotion on fire Then Isolate flames so that I could burn out alone Then an “I Love You” would slither off your tongue Slip through every inch of my body to Make my skin crawl you would crawl through my mind Destroying my insanity Manipulate our conversations by telling me… “Why are you giving up?” “Yes, I cheated for 3 years, but what about the years before that?” “I know I cheated, but…..” “Everybody thinks I’m this big cheater ” “That’s not what happened, he is just my friend.” “Maybe I should kill myself.” “He knew how much I loved you” Every sentence you said to started with “because I love you” As if it was ever love I was just a player in your game; like how often can you push & how much can you prick till I bleed out & become dry You were a master manipulator You & your side nigga Puppeteering words that pulled and yanked parts of me That I didn’t know existed You controlled so much of me… I actually started to believe that you truly loved me That maybe I could’ve changed something maybe the blame for your actions was mine for the taking But this love… your love was gaslighting The constant mind manipulating was slowly destroying every part of me Being with you was like being stuck in a fire You sucked up all the oxygen So that I was unable to breathe used me to fill the lonely void of your life, to make yourself look better Like maybe you were worth something So you took my worth & made it your own Traded in my heart for your pride My mind for your strength My tears for blood Baby Instead of being in love We were in gaslighting Until you finally put out the flame.

I know love is suppose to be this beautiful thing But I just can’t get with it. I go up….love goes down I go left….love goes right I say I’m ready…..love says, “Not yet, she’s trying to protect her heart”. Well, what about my heart??? Maybe there is love out there….but it is running from me. & I’m tired of chasing it.

I've cried too much over females. I'm done crying.

I've given my all to the females I've loved. I'm done giving.

I've tried to make relationships work too much. I'm done trying.

I've trusted all of my girlfriends/wives too much. I'm done trusting.

If I'm done with all of these things, Then what's the point?

What's the point of crying, giving, trying, committing & trusting If it's going to hurt me in the end?

There is no point, So I'm done. I'm done trying to make them happy Because they never try & do the same for me.

I find that you’re on me mind, more often than any other thought. Sometimes I bring you there purposely, to console me, or warm me, or just to make my day a little brighter. So often you surprise me though, & find your own way into my thoughts. There are times, when I awaken & realize what a tender part of my dreams you have been. & all through the day, when a peaceful moment seems to come my way, & my imagination is free to run, it takes me to wishing I was holding you in my arms, & allows you to linger there, knowing there’s nothing I’d rather do. I know that my thoughts are only reflecting the loving hopes of my heart, because whenever they wander, they always take me to you.

Monogamy is cool, it’s manotany that sucks. So every night I take home the same woman, but some nights we switch it up. Some nights she is my good girl, other nights she’s my slut. Some nights we make love, other nights we straight f**k. Some nights she likes it smooth, other nights she likes it rough. & who better to lick her clit like licorice, bend her over the dresser & bless her bang her back out, until she taps out. Hand full of hair in one hand, hip in the other. Now I got her right where I want her. There is no place for her to run to. She just has to accept the gift that I’m giving her. I’m giving her the ultimate…. Til her vibrator is inadequate. Then I will throw her ass on the mattress. Make her scream, make her cream, I can go for hours, I’m a machine. & I will make you a believer. You about to break the Guinness Book of World Records for the most orgasms ever had in one second. She likes it rough, she wants to know it I can keep up. I tell her it is not in your best interest to talk shit. Because I’m so thick, I hit all four sides like wall to wall carpet. So be careful what you wish for.

It's one of those days where I start thinking, "Did you ever love me?" In all those times you said you did, is there at least one truth about it? You turned your back to me & walked away You You are a fucking coward You did not face me when I called your name

All that I'm asking right now is for the truth about everything Because if you really did love me, then why did you cheat? Why did you Lie? Why did you leave? & I know you're going to fight with the saying that goes, "If you love something, let it go" But I think that's bullshit. I'm going to fight back with the words, "If it comes back, it's yours".

I'm coming back Can't you see? I'm still here & it aches to know that you choose to ignore all my callings I have stoop down so low at your level, that I am probably in fucking hell right now.

I kept on calling your name like a child who've lost its mother But you are nothing like her Nor are you like my father If anything….. You You are like my grandfather.

Now I'm asking myself, "Is it time to move on?" I'm slowly losing my dignity Well, congratulations You won Isn't that what you wanted this whole time?

You're just waiting for me to break down on my knees Well, here I am Down on my knees & begging you, "Please..."

But just like what my grandfathers have done my whole life & just walk away Leaving a trail of broken promises & dreams... So I will ask you again, Did you ever love me?

It may seem like you have control of my life right now, but you really don’t.

Your presence only makes me stronger, braver, kinder & wiser.

I choose how I think, what I speak & how I love.

You will never be able to touch those things. Never.

The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul because I know that my soul belong to me & God.

You may take your claim on this outer shell of mine, but never on this divine spirit that cries out, “I am not my body”.

My soul will run, leap & tower over your attempts to pull me down into despair.

Those who surround me will fight with me to let it be known that we will not surrender.

Our hearts & souls are tied together in a lasting bond that amount of your impeding growth can break.

You see cancer, you do not own me.

I own myself.

& I will survive.

Cold feet doubts concealed Ulterior motives in time revealed Disclaimer fine prints Upon the breach of a one flesh contract

Vows to self for plausible conditions For separation sequences Like the countdown Of time bomb cardiac unrest

Divorce receptions Nails in the coffin of the sacred Going through the motions Of a revoked license for intimacy For procedural acts of integrity

Files & witness verification Testify to love & the killer Sentenced to life regretting Without the chance for parole

Incarcerated Let justice prevail To shackle dirty hands & un-clench the fists thrown With advantages taken Espoused to self-gratification

When did love become a nightmare? When lies were told at the altar Under veils of paper-thin promises & devotion was all one sided Where mercy mocks a plea to enable A codependent abuser Without a heart to speak of…

-Born into the color of my skin I was destined to fail -A lifetime full of trials & tribulations hitting me like hail -Growing up in the hood, I would have never made it out alive -Just another nigga deprived, fighting to live & strive -The monster in me contained, waiting to be unleashed -Devouring the lies & feeding the beast -Just another nigga in a white mans world -Getting dirty looks because the color of my girl -Jobs turned down, interviews never given -I'm just a black man trying to make a living -In a world where color still matters & the only color is white -Proud to be black, from the country where life started so bright -In their eyes I'm just another nigger -Trying to make it to something bigger -My brown skin is what ignorant people consider a curse -I consider it a gift, glad I was this way since birth -I see the look in their eyes, the fear when I walk by on the street -They know I'm strong, & their weak, but they won't admit defeat -This is a white mans world, government, law, social living -Always taking from the people instead of giving -We're ghetto, we're loud, we're obnoxious,everything about us wrong -But we were a peaceful nation living good & growing strong -I'm just a nigga living in a white world & I see from the inside -Their true colors, the evil under their skin, makes me want to cry -A powerful people who has life easy, fed with a silver spoon -But us "niggas" learning & we'll have our day real soon -I'm just a nigga to everyone, I no longer care -I will have my justice if or if not its fair I'm just a N.I.G.G.A. what are you? Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished

I've always viewed life from the side lines, Just watching it passing me by. In the past, I was too afraid to just let go & live, & lately too tired to try.

I've envied the people around me So invested in living each day, While I spent my time hiding out from the world & searching for ways to escape.

For most of my life I truly believed I was here to help somebody else, But now it's so clear it was just an excuse. To avoid living life for myself.

It's sad that our lives & the pain we endure Can weaken our strength to move on, But if we get lost in the scars of our past, Without knowing our lives will be gone.

It's true, people are disappointing, They can turn in the blink of an eye, But we can't avoid hurting each other, When we all want a chance at this life.

But there's something I've learned through the wisdom of age, A truth about all of our lives, & that is no matter what path we each take, In the end, we just want to survive.

So the time has now come to conquer my fears & to stand up and face a new day. Let the hurts of my past wash away with my tears & stop letting my life slip away.

I've lost myself. I can't find who I use to be. Although I keep searching. I can't look in the mirror, & see the man anymore. I can only hide, & look into the eyes I call mine. I wonder alone. Not by chance, But by choice. There are people who love me, But I can't bring them down. I'm a sinking ship, A ticking time bomb. I'm just not sure when I'll drown, Or I'll finaly explode.

I've lost myself. I can't seem to figure out who I am anymore. I thought I knew, but it was only defined by what once was. I cry myself to sleep at night, &wonder "God why?" I’m not perfect….I’ve made my share of mistakes, but everyone only seems to remember them. They can't let go of my past, & I can't see my future. Everyone says I'm like an open book, but can they read the lines I've wrote? I can't understand why I write these words, not even where they were born. But these are on my pages.

I've lost myself. I wish a could smoke pot, & have gotten drunk just to feel numb. I wish I could cut my wrists to shreds, & just watch bleed. I told myself it will all be okay, it's just a lie I have to say. I fake a smile everyday, so no one will notice I've gone astray. I fight the demons in my head, but I'm a one man army against many. I can't tell you I'll keep my promise, when I know it will break. I can't tell you I'll be fine, my mind is working right. I can't tell you that I'll be okay.

I've lost myself. I can't understand who I am anymore, or why I'm here. I can't comperheand why I'm alive, or why I still breath. I can't tell you I'll live to see another day, when I know I possibly won't. I can't tell you I love you, when I'm not sure how to love anymore. But I can tell you, if I see you tomorrow. That I survived another day, & I'm still here to stay. But if I don't wake up tomorrow, it's because today & yesterday, Have finally broke me.