“Honey it’s time for school”. I hear my mom say, as my wonder filled eyes flutter open. For a moment I lay there. Staring at the ceiling. As a swell and ache fill my tummy with worry. “Sweetie you’re gonna be late, please hurry”. As I register the shouting coming from my mom, I sit on the edge of my bed and contemplate. Contemplate whether I’m gonna be difficult or easy to send off to school this morning. After working up the courage to actually leave my bed. I think of all the people I’ll see today, all of what might be said. As I look in the mirror and try to make myself presentable. All I can focus on is the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Will they like me? Will I fit in? I’ve had a lot of first days of school, at a lot of different schools and the same feeling always occurs. Anxiousness. As I slouch and cower within the back of my backpack, I thump down the stairs of our new and unfamiliar home. At the bottom of the stairs my mom is waiting for me ,I’m met with a positive smile. My mom says “it’s a fresh start bean, it’ll be great”. A fresh start huh? A clean slate. I’ve had a lot of fresh starts, they all usually become rather dull very shortly. We make our way to my moms mini van, as I step in and take a seat, I begin to fidget and slightly tweak with my converse clad feet. I fasten my seatbelt, I slightly angle my body towards the window to get a good view of the drive. Maybe the scenic views will settle my stomach. I feverishly pick at the skin around my finger nails, once I see we’re nearing the schools front entrance. My mom gets out and opens the door for me, I step out and my legs almost buckle from feeling like jelly. I ready myself and take a more confident stance, my mom although still positive, shoots me a worried glance. I reassure her with a smile and a wave goodbye. Before I know it, I’m all alone and my moms already driven away. As I take my first step within the school doors I think to myself, another new school I hope this time I get to stay. I hope I have a good day.

I swore to keep my lips sealed Heinous acts kept in the dark The bruises and cuts I concealed I couldn’t help it Words of rape from my mouth were spilled My hips and lips were sore These marks and memories are something I could no longer ignore You clawed at me like an animal You were the predator and I was the prey After you violated me I was poked and prodded photos taken of my beaten body on display My pleas and refusal was discarded You expected me to obey When you were inside of me my fear choked me Leaving me with no words to say After I felt dead I left my body that day I see your face I see your face in my nightmares Your teeth that bit me and your predatory stares I can still feel your nails scratching at my skin I think of your hands sometimes and all the places on my body they have been You justified the things you did to me You told me my body was a walking sin You said “ what did you expect to happen?”

The hanged man. He stays stuck. Stuck in his own ways unable to grasp the reality in which he needs to change. Mind clouded with delusions and the question of what if. Stuck in this mirage of fear and missed opportunities. His body lies. Stiff. To be able to move on is the willingness to sacrifice. He may be a good man but has always been too stubborn to take his own advice. His advice to release. Release past sorrow. Once this is done new courage and strength will be gifted upon you in the sighting of a sparrow. Soon you’ll find yourself excited by life Always looking forward to tomorrow. That day. My hanged man. I hope it will come soon. For then the broken music you play will finally be in tune.

As the leaves begin to wither. And the skies start to cloud. The seasons before while usually quiet, Seem to become much more loud. I start to wish for the sun to come out and play. I beg for my sun kissed cheeks to reappear, and forever stay. I remember and mourn every sunburnt summer day. finally, when summer comes back around. I will miss the brisk breeze of the winters. all the filling holiday dinners. As each season passes, i miss one as much as the next. Leaving me feeling empty ,and even more perplexed.

Every time you touch me There’s a coldness within Like I know every other body where those hands have been Am I just another pretty face? another body for you to debase? I thought you’d make me feel warm But your lips are like ice And your hands are starting to feel like you don’t ask before you take Or love is something that you don’t make But you take And you take And you take Your fingernails left their mark Down my body they rake I am frozen My innocence and purity have been stolen Your greedy hands kneaded at my body After I was bruised and swollen You were done After it was over all I wanted to do was run But like a lady does I stayed composed I gathered my things As I was walking home The same sinister chill resided Cascading down my neck I felt as though my legs would give out I’m a complete wreck I arrive home and stumble into the bathroom All I want is scolding water on my skin Anything to wash away this nightly sin I curl under the hot water The chill still resides I turn the shower dial once more Water burns down my skin it glides Until finally the chill stopped

The screams. That's what I recall the most. The screams that made my ears bleed. Made my heart drop to my stomach and have my throat close. I remember the first time you hurt me. I was just a child. A scared lost child. All I remember is fists. Your fists. The pain that was being inflicted on my body became unnoticeable in that moment in time. I shut down. I shut down to protect myself. To shelter myself from that harsh reality you were thrusting upon my body. The reality in which you wanted to hurt me. Your own flesh and blood. Your own daughter. Me. Dad that was me. How could you do that to me. being hit over and over again Time stood still My heart was pounding I felt as though my head was going to explode Time as never passed so slowly

The lights They blur and disappear in a flash The music fits your presence so well Your smile Your smell You turned to me eyes open full of wonder And within them I fell We would park and talk for hours Hand in hand we’d walk within the night Feeling as though the world is ours Who knew this moment wouldn’t last a lifetime Guess we didn’t happen at the right time Or maybe our love cowers within the day light The night is the only time our love ever really took flight

As I close my eyes Nature caresses my cheek The Wind whispers the answers The answers I seek I’ve been lost for a long time Wandering the ends of the earth With no moral compass I’ve been searching Searching for my life’s purpose I finally know who I am These mountains I’ve climbed And these oceans I’ve swam No more being a helpless lamb The grass pushes me to where I belong And the wind orchestrates a helpful song Mother Earth has made me strong Whenever I am lonely I take a stroll And my heavy reality no longer takes a toll The water calls to me Dares me to float within To bathe my spirit And rid my soul of every sin No more guilt of who I am And every bad place I have been I am no longer scared Finally realizing someone has always cared Leaves curl and speak of the memories and the people with whom I shared Sunflowers remind me the smiles I’ve endured And the beautiful laughs I have heard As I wish upon a dandelion I think of the magic it holds Then I sit along my lawn and watch with the sun as my future unfolds

Memory breathes Pain weeps Paranoia lingers in the head It creeps Anger runs down my body through my skin it seeps My fingers curl into fists My brain believes myths Memories turn into horror stories That play on a loop My brain is cooked It leaks from my ears like hot soup
I try to catch it from my ears But my hands it sears I am burned I have lost my mind It’s nowhere to be found Something I can’t find The past is something I wish I could change If only I could rewind

Today has felt like nostalgia The rain spoke to me Mid evening She listened Felt as though my side is something she would never be leaving The muggy after taste of her presence lingers on my lips Making me recall all the conversations I’ve ever heard and said I realize I have been left starved of love Like I’ve never been fed Maybe this rain will quench my thirst Or lead me astray Have me left cursed Either way if she ever has to leave me I hope she leaves peacefully instead of with just a piece of me Maybe the angels are crying for me Maybe today was my day of acknowledgement To have the earth grieve for me What a beautiful sight To see To smell To feel Feel the rain cascade down my skin as I surrender to something greater than myself Earth you have permission to take me Not just a part of me But all of me For I want to be one with you For this mere mortal existence is nothing but untrue