You never asked, but your strength consoles my soul. Your constant faith in me drives me your integrity challenges every bad thing I was taught. Your fight spurs mine making me fight harder. Your light makes mine shine brighter. Your faith in me makes me stronger, better. You’ve never asked but, I need you to know.
It’s strange to know something and it not to know you back. It’s like I was never really there. The ache in my heart tells me I’m here. I’m real . The tightness of my soul tells me I experienced everything, yet you don’t know me. Your beautiful eyes slay me eyes that don’t know me. Eyes that held so much love and wickedness and playfulness, eyes that knew me. These eyes though they see right past me. And that makes my hands tingle my heart hurt and my breath catch. Simply knowing you is divine but having your love and attention your knowing your worth fierce soul it’s nothing short of earth shattering and yet you don’t know me. You don’t remember your hands on my body, your lips on mine your words, whispering words of amazement of loving me. But this you, this you dosnt know me. And that will forever change me. You will forever be in my soul and yours will never know mine . And that hurts something awful.
I was fourteen when I wished upon a star and asked for you, for you to be my boyfriend, and now today I’m reminded of the old saying be careful what you wished for. because yes my wish came true, but what star worth it’s gas dust and gravity would willing give a fourteen year old girl her wish without first giving her the consequences of her wish, without first showing her her future if that wish was to come true. why not a billion dollars because I walked on the seediest part of town living in a one bedroom apartment with four siblings and a Single mom. But knowing like after this Wish was going to be so hard . How I wished for a narcissistic cheating lying bastard of a child than a man damn 3 kids and 20 years later and I can’t leave him and he won’t leave me I fell in love with the idea of a cute boy. But most definitely not the boy .
Annie she’s five and me I’m all a figment of her imagination, her sometimes sweet but mostly I’m terrified for my life mind. Me I’m based of her favorite character, Harley Quinn some slight differences depending on her mood, like I wasn’t the crazy one she is, who in their right mind let a five year old who is nothing but diabolical watch the psychos and chaos they wrought is beyond me. Today I have her older brothers baseball bat, her intention are not pure, Lincoln the cat peed or her favorite dolly and she’s pissed and what did Harley Quinn Do when she was pissed? Fucked shit up . So as I was in position to hit a home run the cat the ball as she called for it. I tried to be her conscious. “
“Annie it’s only a kitten it needs to be potty trained just like you did when you were a baby.”
“The kitten is mean, she peed on Julie and that is not ok! We’re just going to give it a reminder how things work around here.” The hell? she’s five with a mind of a thirty year old hit man Jesus this child. Someone send help.
The dream like vision shook me to the core, the desolate notion of this room was deafening . It screamed run! But I was a bystander watching a scene unfold, the room was a void it’s stark whiteness made everything glean the white floors that resemble glass the walls everyone here wore white nothing had color, except the colored glass my uncle held in his hand a simple glass cup, a wave of unease flooded me my uncles eye look up and meet mine his expression confused and instantly recognition hits and mouths “no” and the glass in my uncles hands slips like he’s seen a ghost, and before he realizes it’s slipped his hands it shatters it’s sound deafening like a sonic boom, ominous echoing. I saw red the glass shards looked like blood drops scattered everywhere with a blink of my eyes everyone disappeared except for my uncle. I took a step forward. Looking at the glass seeing the gleam bending down to look I thought I saw me in a shard a sliver a flash of bright green eyes than nothing as the light shifted over it I’m sorry lily bug! My head shot up because only my dad called me that Dad?
“As the night turns to day Pick it up and turn it over Reveal your past in order”
Dear Syn, remember the day I found you? Singing, in the tree to far up for me to climb, your voice at nine was an anchor for me, I was in the sandbox playing with my cars and for a second the whole world stopped so I can hear your voice. Sweet like a bell and so serene, your voice quieted my soul. I think I loved you than.
Dear Solle. I remember. I remember your tears, I remember you begging me to come down because you weren’t allowed to climb trees and you needed me to come down to see if I was real and not imaginary. I remember the hug you held me in and your whispers that angels were real, and you found yours. Tears that hurt deeply. somehow I knew then you had my heart.
Dear Syn- remember when you left me when I was at me lowest, when all I needed was for you to see me, that car crash took everything!everything I held dear all except you, and you left me. I may be The most selfish person but I needed my angel I needed your voice to soothe my soul. I knew I loved you than because even thought you were my everything I let you go!
DearSole- it’s so unfair the cards that life has dealt you, I remember holding you and singing to your all summer. I did Everything to help you through the most desolate time in your life I Cooked for you I cleaned for you I bathed you I made love to you. my love I saw everything all of you! But did you see me? I hinder your grieving by keeping you there I didn’t let you get past the first stage of grief. I wanted so bad to help you live and breath without being In pain. I left because I in that moment in time was your crutch and I enabled and hindered. I did not soothe and heal. I knew you had my heart than because I left you and tore my soul out in the process.
I was seventeen the first time I saw it, sleeking between the shadows of the night in the dense forest behind my house he, it was like smoke and also like a shimmer of ink I felt the energy in the dark of my back yard shift, the lights on the back porch flickered as I stepped up the stairs, the wind picked up and every sound stopped.
Silence there was no dog bark no insects sounds no normal sounds of a summer night. The pull of the forest behind me stoped me in my tracks turned me around and led me closer to it, that’s when I saw it, the shimmer of ink slink threw the trees the air around me so supercharged it sucked the air from my lungs making me gasp. it was smoke than an outline of a person a flash of silver and back to ink moving like a wraith from tree to tree, until it was like it hit an invisible line at the edge of the forest feet from me, from smoke to lines and planes and than features.
I watched as it pulled darkness from the shadows and made itself a man the definition of tall dark and impossibly handsome, i more or less felt he was supernaturally beautiful than saw he towered over me his brawn powerful and lethal he solidified and Stepped wider his body still in shadow a hood pulled over his head his clothes black his head tiled up slightly never letting light and all I saw was silver eyes that glowed iridescent and captured my soul .
My heart was going haywire tripping over its self telling me to run to scream to choose flight and not fight, to fucking get it together and save a cheerleader, because damn girl you’re going to be the first to die in a horror film you don’t look at evil and like it you fucking run.I stepped back a step. A growl so guttural had me petrified
Stay” a voice spoke in my head not my own this was was so deep and full of gravel almost like the growl and had me stopping and lifting my eyes back to his. Petrified and also aroused the fuck is wrong with me.
“Come closer little one “…. Nope no the very definition of don’t talk to strangers and definitely don’t get closer.
“Lana?” My moms voice sounded from the back door and it’s creek loud as she opened it . I turned to her, a dish towel in hand “you okay baby?” Instantly the cloying stillness fell away and sound flooded the yard again. I looked back into the forest and the inky stillness was gone the shadow man gone.
It is so still here. Incredible serene and pure and so mythically beautiful, every branch of a tree is piled high with snow making this forest look like a magical place the midnight glow of the full moon reflects f every crystalline snowflake making the snow look like trillions of tiny diamonds. Nothing moved it was blissfully absent of sound, but that of my breath, that’s when I knew this was a dream a foretelling one. one of a world that wasn’t my own, here was brilliant and vibrant every color was a million colors it’s iridescence glittered blinding in its beauty, here beautiful was default . No place on this earth was so assertive in its detail to allure.
Her heart so full of desolation I couldn’t begin to imagine the depths of her agony. But still she rises. Still she stands. Still she runs away from the slump of which try’s to bring her down every single day. The whispers of it say ‘stay here, cry, hate, wallow sicken, fall apart’. NO. she silences them often and quickly. With her head ever so high the trod of her is godly she is strong. She is brave and she is fierce. She is the definition of a women.
