Broken. Terrified. Baffled. Devastated. How can I convey Everything I’m feeling inside My rights. My future. I can see it all crumbling Blowing away like dust in the wind As an orange man laughs But it’s not funny Why is empathy So hard to comprehend? Why is it so impossible To take off your shoes And step into mine For just 5 minutes The tears. The cries. The agony. The anguish. You turn your back on all of it Because it could never effect you None of it matters to you Until it does. Until it’s your mom. Your sister. Your aunt. Your cousin. Your best friend. And you realize They have no rights And you voted To make sure they had none. How long Will you be able to look yourself in the mirror And feel good about what you’ve done The reality is Plenty of people Will not make it through this I cannot even begin to tell you How many people will suffer Always taking from those with the most to lose It disturbs me to know That I live amongst so many people That don’t believe I deserve my rights. The right to control my own body. The right to be allowed to vote. The right to marry the gender that I want. The right to marry the race that I want. The right to be able to divorce if I want. The right to decide if I want children or not. Suddenly, I am not trusted with myself Yet, I am the only person Who has been with me Every single moment of this life Every single minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year I am the only one Who gets to decide my future Because I know my past Fuck anyone and everyone who believes otherwise.
It was you From the first time I saw you It was you From the first time you kissed me It was you From the first time you held me It was you When I looked into your eyes When I held your hand When I traced your lips It was always you Even when life seemed uncertain Even when my world was crashing down For me, It was always you Even when we ended I tried to ignore it But it was still you When I moved on It was still you When I got engaged It was still you When I ended my relationships It was still you Even when you got married It was still you Even when you had a son It was still you I don’t know how For it to not be you Now listen to me closely I don’t want you to be confused I don’t need anyone I will not fall apart On my own I do not need you In order to survive I am not still in love with you But I have a deep love for you I always will That won’t go away So when I say It’s still you I mean it could only be you I have no desire To try and fall in love With some stranger I haven’t met I have no desire To try and care for a new person In that same way So it’s still you Ten years in the future It will still be you If you get married again It will still be you If you have another child It will still be you I don’t know how To make it not be you I’m afraid You could be gone from this earth And it would still only be you That I could ever imagine myself with And I know this is more a one way street This certainly isn’t how you feel But what kind of person am I If I don’t tell you How I feel How I’ve always felt It’s terrifying To put those thought into words But the only thing more terrifying than that Is not telling you Having to keep that inside Forever My silent thoughts will haunt me Until I set them free And letting you know Might kill me But I’d rather die all at once Than slowly over the years I’d rather tell you now It’s you It’s always been you It will always be you And I don’t know how To exist without it being you
When I say Be safe What I mean is Please wear your seatbelt And drive the speed limit Remember to look both ways Before crossing the street Bundle up in a scarf and coat When it’s cold outside Remember to drink water Staying hydrated every day Make sure you take a snack along Before heading out of the house Get enough sleep each night You deserve more rest Keep a bottle of Advil in your car Don’t concentrate on pain while driving If you’re out drinking Order an Uber ahead of time So when I say Be safe It is because your life Is more precious than gold When I say Be safe What I wish I could say is I love you
I’ve gotten so tired Of reminding you To remember me. I want you To want to Tell me about your day The mundane moments And the exciting ones. I want you To want to Message me first Ask me more than just How my day has gone. I want you To want to Call me immediately When something big happens Or message me When you have a weird dream. All I seem to do Is try and fail To grab Your attention. But if you wanted to remember me You would. People remember The things That are important To them. And I’ve gotten so tired Of reminding you To remember me.
The mere thought of of you Can put me in a chokehold It can take me down easy 1, 2, 3. I don’t even bother Putting up a fight I let it overtake me I’m down for the count And yes it hurts It’s a beating every time But I live for the pain So I’ll still get in that ring With my thoughts of you And let them take me out
I’m not waiting For a knight in shining armor. I saved myself a long time ago. I do not need someone to “complete me”. I am whole alone.
But sometimes I just want A weirdo who will go on adventures with me Someone who will twirl me around the kitchen Who will run the mundane errands with me And kiss me passionately When I least expect them to Someone who can gaze deep into my eyes Before making me dissolve in a fit of giggles
That’s all.
Stop pretending I can’t deny it anymore It would be obvious to Anyone With an ounce of common sense That I am not important to you Why do I insist On imagining that I am I think about you when I’m awake And I dream of you while I sleep Every notification My heart still cries out “It might be him this time!” But inevitably when I look It hardly ever is. We used to talk All day long About anything And everything I imagined If I listened enough I could eventually learn your soul Then maybe you would see How much I still love you How absolutely I accept you How I care so deeply for you That sometimes it drives me mad. But the replies started taking longer And the responses grew shorter You are always “so busy” I can’t count how many days you’ve said that We all know what that means Because you can always make time For the people you care about And I need to remember~ If they wanted to, They would. And I need to accept That you do not want to And that I am not a priority to you You are absolutely fine Without my presence In your life And it is killing me to realize So as I write this Tears sit behind my eyes A great sadness has wrapped my soul In such a warm hug And my heart feels Like it’s beating off rhythm But I write so I have proof Next time I think I might be important to you That you are absolutely okay without me And so I must learn to be too.
I can feel you When the clock says 11:11 And I make a wish I can feel you When I’m speeding over railroad tracks And my car flies off the ground I can feel you When I’m listening to a powerful song And the goosebumps race all down my arms I can feel you When my cat is purring on my stomach And she decides to knead biscuits on my chest I can feel you When I take a deep breath And let a guided meditation calm my brain I can feel you When I’m reading a good book And my mind is at home in the pages I can feel you In all these little ways In all my favorite moments Even though you’re not here You are everywhere You are in everything
Sometimes I think About the things I wish I’d already achieved Having a house Renting or owning I was never picky But I know that’s a reality That will never come Not in our economy. Having a successful career Or at least doing a job I liked But I have never experienced either Working to simply get by Never anything to be passionate about. Having a bank account full of savings Thousands on retainer Just in case I lost my job again Like when the first pandemic happened But it is a struggle to simply survive Let alone try and save. Having that one person to come home to Who always made me feel safe Who I could trust everything with But after years of closing my heart off I don’t know how to be that vulnerable. It’s hard not to look around And compare myself to others But deep down I wonder If maybe everyone else Feels the same way too
I have such love for you It’s almost overwhelming at points I care so much for you The feeling is all consuming I feel such safety with you The relief is staggering Every piece of me Longs for every bit of you Sometimes I feel so deeply for you I think my heart is going to burst All of these feelings I don’t know what to do with Because I know You don’t feel anywhere near the same
