If you were given the opportunity to start over, to begin afresh, would you take it? You would lose everyone you hold dear and all of your memories, but you would lose all of your mistakes and painful moments. Would it be worth it? The ones I love are the deciding factor for me. I could not lose them. I could not make this choice and walk away from them, no matter how tempting the other side of the coin is, no matter how green the grass may be on the other side. The love is to great, to lose. Even though at times we can’t see it, the grass is just as green here, it’s just different. It may not be as lush or soft, but it’s plenty green. Make this choice wisely my love, before you lose all you currently hold dear.

Sitting by the pool, reading my book, hearing the laughter of children, the small talk of adults. I glance up and I see her. She’s quietly swimming laps in the water and keeping to herself. It’s then that I notice the scars she’s trying to hide. Her t-shirt she was wearing over her bathing suit slipped off her shoulder and the scars, sun soaked, looked as red as a brand new cut. Looking down at my own shoulders I knew that these scars were just standing out due to the heat, and that not all of them were new, but I also knew that some were. After awhile she got out of the pool, and I was lost in my own thoughts. She grabbed a towel and walked over to the only open recliner, directly next to me. “Excuse me,” I jump out of my thoughts and glance up to see the young girl next to me, “ is this spot taken?” She finishes quietly once I have glanced at her. “Umm, no it’s not.” I reply. “What’s your name?” “My name is Megan. What’s yours?” She replies politely. “Umm.. Megan as well.” I reply sort of shocked. She gives me a funny look and pulls a book out of her bag. The book is one of my absolute favorites as a child, and I can not help but commenting. “I’ve read that book! It was my favorite when I was about your age.” “I know,” she replies, still looking at me with the strange look. And without another word from her or myself I know, the universe is giving me the chance we all dream about in hypotheticals. “What would you say to yourself If you could go back in time?” But that’s only supposed to be hypothetical I tell myself... but realize quickly that this supposed hypothetical situation was here, right in front of me- not hypothetical, but real. “Hey umm Megan,” I say finally. “Yes?” She replies. “It’s all going to be okay one day you know. The things that cause you so much pain now will not last forever. You’ll make it out of the dark place. You’ll find people that actually love you, and their love won’t hurt you. You’ll find days that you actually enjoy, and your heart won’t feel as shattered.” I say. Her eyes grow wide and I see the tears welling up. She says “thank you.” And then walks away. Then whistle blows, signaling the end of the day at the pool, and I sit up abruptly from my nap, looking around for this girl who was so real before my eyes not more than ten minutes before. Realizing it was a dream, I smiled and started gathering my stuff, reflecting on the weird dream and being thankful that I wasn’t actually living in some sort of matrix world. I picked up my bag and started walking when I see her brown head bobbing in front of me.

The easiest thing to do, is to lay down and not fight. The easiest thing is to close your eyes and pretend it’s not happening. Pants around your ankles, screams being muffled by his heavy arm you continue to kick, you continue to scream, you bite. He lets go. You run, pants still around your ankles. That’s bravery. Not allowing the heavy pressure to cause you to give up. That’s bravery, continuing to run even at your most vulnerable. Bravery is standing up and continuing to fight when threats abound. Bravery is fighting for all the girls who can’t find their voice. Bravery is you. Bravery is anyone who has fought this monster and won.

The flood is rising rapidly. I’m beginning to lose control. It’s all I can do to continue to tread water and hope that a rescue comes soon. This flood is not water, it’s memories in my brain. They always start out with a glint of a smile in my eyes, a flash of a grin upon my face, before they turn into tears and pain. Why is it that the fondest memories cause the most pain? The ones where we are smiling and laughing cause the hardest tears and the most intense heartbreak. The missing you hits hard, like a freight train, and treading water has gotten almost unbearable. I see a lantern in the distance and I know rescue is coming if I can just maintain my strength a little longer. You reach out your hand, and you pull me out of the flood with nothing more than a smile. You’re the lifeguard in my mind, helping me manage the flood, the memories, the tears, the laughter and the smiles. Without you, my lifeguard, saving me just in time, would it have been possible for these memories to drown me in my mind?

Your pathetic fallacy is destroying all you hold dear. You cry out, claiming that family means everything to you. You cry out when I push back, explaining that if family truly meant everything you would not allow your fallacy to overtake. You see, I’m in love with another woman. And all you see when you hear that that statement isn’t “love” it isn’t the joy in my face when I tell you. Your eyes flash red. You see hate. You hear “another woman.” That sentence in itself appalls you. The pathetic fallacy in your mind is destroying your relationship with your child, your first born, the one you say answered all your prayers. I hope you feel the loss of our relationship as deeply as I felt the lack of your presence when I walked down the aisle. You allowed your beliefs to stand in our way. And for that forgiveness will never come. You shattered my heart, due to fallacies in your mind, and now in turn, I’ll shatter yours.

What if walking down the street we could see each other’s pain? We could read each other’s thoughts? Of The ones we know and the ones we don’t. Imagine if empathy would ensue, or anger? If we could read each other’s thoughts would there be more peace, or less? For those we know we want transparency, but rarely do we get it. In intimate relationships I think reading minds could cause more fights, less peace, more drama, more anger, but we would know all of them, and who they truly were. Is it worth it? To not have to question motives, because we know. But to also know that they hate it when we leave our laundry out on the floor or when we call them a certain name, or to know how they think we truly look, or act? For those we don’t, I would like to think it would cause more empathy, more kindness, and more peace as we know what everyone is going through, because we don’t expect transparency from those with whom we aren’t intimate. There is no way intimacy can ensure if it is forced. If you were given the opportunity to be a super hero and this was your power would you choose to turn it on? Or would you scream to turn it off?

There was a day when my heart was shattered, I feared far beyond repair. There was a day my soul was shattered, which caused nothing but despair. I cried out and I pleaded with the world, Please, leave alone my broken soul. The world had other plans. It pulled and it pushed and it shattered and repaired until my soul was new again, until my heart was whole. The pain the world had caused was restored when I received the gift of you. You helped me see that there was far more to life than the pain. You helped me mend, you helped me heal, you let me cry when it became too much, and when all I wanted was to cry out “please, leave alone my broken soul,” you gently reminded me that you were here with me to hold my broken soul, to help it mend, to help it heal. Until I once again was whole.

As I sank to the dirt I knew in my heart that this was the end, this was letting go. This was acceptance that the man who had spent his life making sure I was okay wouldn’t be my guardian angel any longer. At least not an Alive guardian angel. They say loved ones watch over you from heaven, but since you’ve been gone I miss your presence. I can’t feel you anymore. Maybe it took me too long to accept you were gone, and you left. Whatever it is, I’d give anything to feel your arms around me again. I’d give anything to feel like I didn’t have to let you go. I’d give anything to feel that this wasn’t the end of our relationship. The one fostered from my birth, when you’d lay me across your forearm, when you’d read to me. But regardless of what straws I grab, you are gone, I can’t find you, this is truly, the end.