This is why I don’t go to parties. This is the exact thing that I make up in my head when I get stressed out about socializing. Only this didn’t happen in my head. This happened for real. I actually just did that. Right out in the open. I backed away and tried to escape as subtlety as I possibly could but there’s no way no one noticed. Just playing the odds. If there’s let’s call it twenty five people at this party and everybody here has two eyes that’s FIFTY EYES that could have saw me! Fifty ears that could have heard me! What song was playing? Was it quiet enough for me to be heard, was there a lull at that exact moment? Why can’t I remember? Maybe I should ask someone. Obviously not if they saw me but ask like I saw someone else do it and was wondering who else saw. You know? Inconspicuous right? Yeah, right, but with my luck they will say something like “uh yeah, dude, I saw YOU do that.” Could you imagine that kind of embarrassment on top of this embarrassment? I think I’d literally die. Pass out minimum. And no I am NOT being dramatic, my social life started and probably ended here tonight. Wait, is Kyle Stevens looking at me funnny? Does he know? Did he see? Did someone tell him? Does he just think I’m weird? I just realized he probably sees me staring at him staring at me. Quick, look at something else. NOT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME! What is wrong with me? Ok let’s just walk to another room, and hopefully it won’t be full of people talking about me. This is the bathroom. Ok, better than nothing and now I’m alone to relax, or think too much, whichever comes first. Just breath. And someone is knocking, that didn’t last long. I’m just going to open it casually. Just someone done using the bathroom nothing to see here. Oh hey Kyle! (This can’t be really happening.) Oh you saw me rush here and got worried I was sick. No I just didn’t realize this was the bathroom to be honest. (Why did I just admit that free of charge) I was looking for my coat, I think I’m going to head out, too crowded here, not my scene. Oh? You’ll give me a ride? Are you sure? You don’t have to leave cause you feel bad for me. You want to? You’d rather hang out with me? Well yeah I’d like that too, let’s head out. (And not talk to anyone about me being here on the way out!)

All night I pondered the possibility of us being together? It was zero to none wasnt it?…. _ Why hadn’t I asked for his name? _

I woke up at dawn, got ready, then headed for work—‘Lillies coffee shop’, when I got a call. “Hmm, hello?” I asked, phone pressed to my face while turning the key into the lock, ready to open shop. “Hi, is this Jemma?” A man with a British accent said. “Uhhh, yeah?” I put on my apron and started cleaning. “Well you asked a guy out yesterday—and may I say, very bold of you.” A girl chimed in. “Are you his girlfriend?” I asked. “Me?” She laughed, “I’m his sister!” “Oh, phew!” I laughed—relief rushing through me! Thank the lord! “So, what do you look like?” She asked. “Uh?” “Can you send a photo? I know you don’t know me, but my brother has been so depressed lately, and you seem really sweet. Sorry if I’m so forward,” She laughed, talking quickly. My eyes widen as I continue cleaning. “Would you rather me look you up?” She asked. Help. His sister is a stalker.

“Okay fine,” I huffed. I sent her a decent but realistic photo of myself. One that showed personality—me laughing and wearing funny star rimmed sunglasses with my burgundy skirt and white tee shirt. “Oh my gosh!” I heard her gasp. “Are you good?” I asked. “I’m so annoyed! Why didn’t my brother ask you for your number.” “I don’t know?” I questioned, very confused. “Oh anyway, you have my blessing, but he’s busy this week, are you good for next week?” “Are you his secretary?” I asked. I heard her smile through the phone, “Yes… did I not mention that?” She said, chipperly. “Uh, can I talk to him?” “No, not right now, I’ll tell him to call you later, does that work?” “He is available,” a British voice spoke. I put my palm up to my head. “Hello, this is Gram. Who is this?” He asked. “Oh—it’s Jemma? Are you the blonde guy I saw yesterday?” “Yes, sorry my sister is very outgoing and blunt.” “Yeah… I kinda caught that.” Hey he was actually talking to me!!! “Sorry about the other day, I was really late for a meeting—strict dad.”

“Oh!” “Can I listen?” The girl said, Muffled. “No, please go look at my calendar for next week.” She said okay, and he sighed. “Are you busy next weekend?” He asked. “I’m not.” Suddenly the shade of red came again, I felt myself slipping into fantasy. “Okay so I pick you up on Friday, 5:30?” He asked. “Yes! That works for me.” I’m smiling!! And I’m dancing around the shop… shoot I have to open!! “Hey I have to let you go…” I said, the gave him my phone number before I ended the call. “Okay, see you soon Jemma.” Jemma!! He. JUST. CALLED ME JEMMA!! After the call I couldn’t help but mimic him saying my name.

“You look happy?” My guy co worker—Liam, said. “Yeah, I’m pretty much in heaven! I asked a guy out… thought I had no chance… but he got a hold of me!” “How? I thought you said he never got your name or number?” “Hm,” I paused, I hadn’t really thought about that… either I was about to date a guy in a stalker family or someone knew me. He seemed interested. “You remember Amanda?” He asked. I nodded, and he continued, “She called back.” “Finally!” I danced around. “What did she say?” “She wants to get back together,” He grinned. “Oh my gosh Liam!!!” I squealed. I had known Liam forever—but I’d also worked here forever… “Yeah, I’m going with her and her family on a road trip this summer.” He looked so happy, “Liam!” I spun him around. “Okay, can you cover for me?” He asked, then we both cracked up. “I love you!” I laughed. “Back at ya!” We both started laughing now. “What is the mystery guy like?” “You can call him Gram.” “Is his personal like a Gramcracker?” “Yes! He has blonde hair and dresses like my grandpa… but youthful? You know…” “Yes I do! I’m so happy for you,” he smiled.

Time crept up slowing, but I couldn’t wait. I didn’t even ask where we were going… so he texted me to wear a swim suit or whatever I was comfortable in?! Where were we going? “It’s a surprise,” He said. “That’s creepy considering I just met you,” I mocked. “Okay fine we’re going somewhere with water, and it’s a public place so don’t worry.” I smiled, “Okay, thank you.” Friday had finally arrived!!!!! I wore my white, one piece that looked like a dress, with a blue floral print. I didn’t wear any makeup. Eeee! I’m so excited! My brain raced, thinking about everything, him smelling of candle wood… I imagined us dancing around at the beach. Jemma! You’re doing it again!!

I pinched myself then headed out the door. The car ride there was awkward.. “I can’t tell you where were going, but I brought food.” He said, looking at me, then at the road. I smiled, “I forget you have a sister.” “Correction, I have five.” “Five?” I asked dramatically. “Yep, it’s a hectic house with only 3 guys.” “You have another brother? Or two?” “One and then my dad.” “Oh! I see! Oh my gosh… you have 6 siblings?” “Yeah, it’s crazy.” “Wow, okay, remind me to ask you more about that.” “Will do,” He smiled. “Okay, so, how about you?” He asked. “I have one brother and that’s all.” “Is he nice?” I laughed, “Yeah, but it’s only because he lives away from home.” “Oh,” His body language seemed relaxed, and interested. Silence fell again. “How do you feel about winter?” “I like not having to be sweaty and no way to cool yourself down…” “Amen to that!” I chimed in. “But other than that, I like winter, the hot cocoa, cozy clothes, sledging, snow boarding…” _ I have found my match!_ “What about you?” “I love winter!” He was still interested! The minute he swung his gaze at me, I almost melted. As we arrived, I looked around to find a river with gigantic floating obstacle course. Other people where there as well, but not very many. I squealed! “Are we going to the obstacle course?” He nodded and smiled. “Oh my gosh!” I danced around like a little kid. I took my shoes off and he took his shirt off. I legit tried so hard to look away, but he caught me looking once and I blushed while he sat there laughing!! I normally didn’t care if a man had abs… but… _he did and he looked amazing! _

We walked up—I really giddily walked, and we started. “Race you!” I screamed, and he ran after me. I look back for one second to mind him right next me. Gosh this man was fast. Adrenaline rushed in me and I ran faster. He grabbed my waist as I tried to squirm playfully, “Got you,” he laughed. “Nuh uh! I was this close! I want a rematch!” The kids, the rabbit, we could build our own house…. JEMMA!!!

He got me out of my head, “I’ll let you win this time,” He winked, jokingly. “No! Try your best!” I grinned competitively. We both raced on the obstacle course, he won, I blame his long legs! He even fell off one of the obstacles, landing In the water, we both started laughing. “You won!” I giggled looking at him in the water. He put his hand out and I reached to grab his when he pulled me in the water, we both started laughing. Having a splashing contest, I won— I think anyway. We talked a lot more on the ride home, we said our goodbyes and I couldn’t help but smile. I had completely enjoyed my day with him! We even ordered food at the beach! It was so beautiful! Ahhh!! My mind swirled, I was falling for this man.

I absolutely hate that feeling. You know something has gone wrong and know everyone else knows too. You just want to hide away and hope everyone forgets. Then there is the embarrassment that keeps you up at night. Remember that time you had milk come out of your nose in third grade. Well you still carry that with you fifteen years later. And please don’t get me started on second hand embarrassment. You didn’t even do anything and you still felt it.

My cheeks turned beet red when Quinn said I was pretty. I wanted to say something back to her ,but my throat was clogged like the cities pipes on a winter day. I couldn’t believe it she thinks I’m pretty. But, oh my gosh everyone heard her say that to me now they are gonna think we are a thing. My legs start shaking as I hear the kids around us chanting ,”**KISS, KISS,KISS.” **“Is this really happening,”I ask my self? **Oh my gosh it is. Quinn slowly pulled me by my waist closer to her. Her hands resting on my face and our lips almost touching. I can feel her hot breath on me. “Is she really going for it,” I ask myself? My eyes widen as I feel her kiss me passionately, but I can’t help but seep into the kiss. Oh my gosh did I really just do that? I did. Now everyone is gonna think we are a couple. I back away from the kiss. Quinn looks at me with a questioning look. Does Quinn think I didn’t like the kiss. Oh no she thinks I don’t like her. I pass out then and there after realizing that too speechless to do anything. **

I could feel the heating creeping up, spilling out in red blotches all over my chest and eventually making its way up to my face. I felt my hair come loose and tangle with the heat emanating from my body. Everyone was staring at me. I had burst open the conference room door with so much confidence thirty seconds ago, and now all the things I wanted to say completely abandoned me because I saw her. And him.

How is this possible? They had found my replacement already? He brought her in? How could he bring her in? Why is she staring at me like that? Why is he staring at me like that? Are they all staring at me?

My breaths shortened. There was a growing vignette around their faces and I couldn’t see anything beyond. The vingette was closing in. I could see my heartbeat. I could feel time slow to a snail’s pace as the clock on the wall went tick.. tick.. tick. My heartbeat felt like it was coming out of my chest. With blood pounding in my ears, I spun around and ran out of the building as quickly as possible. Without even making it three steps from the front door, I started gasping for air, never feeling, as if, I could possibly have, enough, air.

I quietly balance on my heels, if you can even call them that. They are little 3 inch sandals.

I admire the cap infront of me, feathery and glitzy in pink glitter. I was strictly forbidden to customize mine. Mom said it would be childish. I reminded her of all the times she has called me that word. I was to go do the dishes.

“Caroline Gald” The Dean announces. Rapturous applause follows as my bleach blonde classmate strides across the stage in at least 6 inch heels. Internally I burn with jealously at all the applause she received, how high her heels were and the fact her dress doesn’t reach below her robe.

I look down at mine that resembles more of a prairie skirt.

I know jealously is a childish and well… embarrassing thing to feel on my last day of high school, but it’s one that has been drilled into me. Jealousy is motivation, motivation to be better. I grit my jaw and stew on my jealousy as the next 3 kids go ahead of me. Not like it matters much, embarrassment and jealously create the same pit in my stomach.

“Harper Gilberts.” The Dean announces, her voice echoing in the new foam soundproofing. the feather cap girl strides along the well lit stage. She leaves a trail of feathers that glide down behind her as she goes to shake the mayors hand.

My palms begin to sweat as Dean Hawes clears her throat.

“Anita Glenn.” The Dean announces, my face is beet red as I cross the hot stage. I can see the thin shadows of the first rows face. A few grandmothers, A smartly dressed Pilates type mom and a teenage boy next to her snickering and looking down at my skirt. I feel my skin get as cool as corpse even though the stage lights can melt a candle. My hands begin to shake and I try to rub them on my robe. I realize that I’ve been staring at this boy the entire time I’ve been walking. Nearly missing the crowd of 4 administrators. I attempt back peddle only to slip on whatever pink feather that littered the stage.

Even in my 3 inch heels I slide like a cartoon monkey with a banana peel, landing sideways, so both my left leg and face fall hard.Not only does the boy in the front rows snickering grow louder, but the entire auditorium bursts out in guilty quiet laughter.

It may just be the acoustics but I swear I can hear the shuffling of dollar bills from bets won.

Admin Borestein reaches his large hand out infront of me. I take it greatfully as he pulls me up.

“Uh…. Congratulations!” He finishes nervously handing me my diploma.

“Thanks it’s just… embarrassing….” I whisper as I grab it from his hands. My cheeks burn so red they are nearly purple. I can feel my mother’s scolding words. ‘Can’t show the DVD to Nana after that!’ I imagine.

“No….” He begins.

“No I know, it won’t matter and it will all be a funny memory…” I say beginning to walk down the stairs. Even if I have trouble believing it.

“No, I just wanted to say your robe ripped in the lower back.” Admin Borestein finishes with a sympathetic smile.

“Ha! Perfect!” I shout in a hushed whisper tone.

P.S. When I say Ella, I don’t mean the name, but instead the Spanish word for ‘she.’

P.P.S. - This is part two of the She series.

“She was… is still my everything,” I say to myself as I continue down the dimly lit hallway. ‘There has to be hint to where there keeping her somewhere.’ A map could be seen on the wall 100 meters down from the gun room on the left side. It said things like ‘Fire Exit’ and ‘Break Room,’ but what really caught my eye was the bright red letters that stated ‘Containment Area.’ “That has to be where they’re keeping her” I state proudly like a middle schooler that just one the Science Fair.

I continue down the hallway until I reach the staircases, I choose the bottom, due to the red down arrow seen on the map from before. After what feels like thry minutes, but was probably only five, I get to the bottom. I run into two guards that hold large black rifles pointed in my direction. “How did you get in here?” The one on the left begins asking me. “Yeah, who gave you access?” The other asks.Both bodyguards, much more trained than the last bodyguard I encountered wore a dark green capo uniform with a black rubber plaque that read ‘Alpaca Industries,’ which was the name of a corporation known for negative things of great poportions. “Now look, I don’t want to cause any trouble-“ I say before being interupted by the bodyguard on the right “To late for that now.” I ignore him and continue. “I seem to have lost someone, a girl, and sources tell me that-“ I get interupted once again by the right guard. “Hey didn’t the boss tell us to shoot anyone that wasn’t wearing a uniform?” “Oh yeah.” The other agrees. ‘Oh no,’ I think to myself as the two guards cock their rifles aiming at my head. I never wanted to kill anyone, but in the spur of the moment, I pulled out the stolen pistols, Aimee to the left and to the right, closed my eyes, and… “BOOM” “BOOM” Two corpses lay on the ground as my hands let the pistols into my pockets and my eyes let a tear roll. “Don’t cry, not again.” I catch myself saying outloud.

I pushed open the gate that stood behind the two previously standing guards and began a speedy pace. ‘If those two were told to kill strangers like me, than I bet the others were too.’

I see you as the one who makes me laugh as the one who makes me smile the one who makes my life a little more worth while I see you with those eyes drilled in the back of my head I see you as someone who doesn't want to be friends I see you as sweet I see you as smart I see you as someone who surely taints the heart Although you’ll most likely make my life fall apart But I’m willing to ignore that Step away from the fear Even if one day From my life you’ll disappear…

Humiliate Embarrassed Wrong name Wrong time Need a break Another fake

I can feel the warmth creeping up my neck. It enters my cheeks and immediately they flush with color, taking my hue from pale ghost to circus clown nose in less than a second.

My eyes start to water just a bit, not enough to overflow their cisterns but hovering dangerously close. I remind myself to breathe. One breathe, halfway down my lungs. Do better. Another. Deep, slow, not counting but ensuring the oxygen reaches my diaphragm. Exhale. Slowly.

Eyes searching for other eyes, staring. But shockingly, there aren’t any. I’ve had this entire moment of panic in a crowded space….alone. Instantly I’m relieved as I find no other eyeballs searching for me. Maybe they didn’t hear my plate hit the ground. Excellent.

And then the second feeling comes quickly and takes hold - no one even noticed me? I’m here in the middle of all these people and yet I’ve never felt so alone. So invisible.

Cool. A great start to the day.