Finding ourselves together Not being sure of the future We become closer as time continues But being careful not to hurt her

It was during the height of the pandemic when the city was placed in a sudden and strict lockdown. The streets were empty, and the only sounds that could be heard were those of police sirens and the occasional howling of stray dogs. People were stuck in their homes, alone, and afraid.

But amidst all this chaos, two people found each other.

His name was Jack, and he was a writer. He lived alone in a small apartment on the outskirts of town. She was Sophia, a nurse who had been working tirelessly in the hospital. They met online, through a mutual friend, and soon found themselves talking every day. They bonded over their shared love for books and movies, and before long, they had become close friends.

One night, during a particularly bad storm, the power went out in Jack's apartment. He was alone, scared, and had no idea what to do. That's when Sophia called him, her voice soft and reassuring. She told him she was on her way to his apartment and that he needed to wait for her. Jack felt a sense of relief wash over him. He knew he could trust her.

When Sophia arrived, she found Jack sitting by the window, his laptop open, and a candle flickering beside him. She smiled at him and sat down next to him. They talked for hours, sharing stories, and laughing at each other's jokes. As the storm raged on outside, they found themselves drawn closer to each other.

They spent the next few days together, sharing meals, watching movies, and talking about their dreams and aspirations. They even played board games, something Jack hadn't done in years. Sophia brought a sense of calm and comfort to Jack's life that he had never known before.

As the lockdown began to ease, and people started to venture out of their homes, Jack and Sophia realized that they had fallen in love. They had found each other in the midst of chaos and uncertainty, and their love had blossomed in the scariest of times.

Now, as the world slowly returns to normal, Jack and Sophia look back on those days with fondness. They know that their love is strong enough to weather any storm and that they will always be there for each other, no matter what.

Apr 25

Dear Juniper,

I hope this letter finds you happy and well. A lot has been happening with my family, so I can’t say the same for me, unfortunately.
Every morning I wake up to a desolate landscape where thousands of city folk and tourists crowded the streets. Not knowing what’s going on all the time is very stressful and I feel like I’m living the same day. However, I have to admit that sending you a letter once or twice a day breaks me from this burdensome mood…that’s until my family started to dwindle.
Nana, like I’ve mentioned before, is not in the greatest condition. Well, she’s not doing any better now that she got ill with the bug. We don’t know what this virus is or how treatable it is, but the news lady only states that it’s a virus of some kind. Anyway, Nana has it, or rather, had it. She passed away this morning in her rocking chair. And the worst part was that we couldn’t visit her because she was sick. We couldn’t see her one last time before she kicked the bucket.
Jericho, my older brother in the army, came down one weekend to visit her, and it has come with no knowledge that he could’ve been the carrier. He would often visit, as did we, three times a week to check on her, and today was one of those days.
Aside from that six of my cousins, twelve of my aunts and uncles, and four of my closest friends all have gotten sick with the bug. It makes me feel like the lucky and unlucky one at the same time. Some days I wake up wishing I was sick and not them, but other days I’m most thankful I am not. These uncertain times have my emotions running rampid sometimes, but you always keep me a little sane with your a lovely letters and beautiful artwork. If we weren’t in a time like this, I would’ve told you to become a well-known artist.
Anyway, that is all for me. I’m just living the everyday Groundhog Day. I hope this reaches you in time.

Sincerely Yours, Your Calliope Love

Apr 27

Dear Juniper,

I hope this letter finds you happy and well. I’m checking up on you because I got worried. I didn’t get a letter from you yesterday, but my mom told me to calm myself and that you were probably busy.
Unfortunately, I have more bad news. The news caster lady said that over fifteen thousand people died within the first week. This information has me rattling and quaking in my boots. One of my uncles on my dad’s side passed away also, and two cousins on my mom’s side. They buried Nana. We had to send her away. This was the first time we couldn’t have a funeral and it made us even more sad.
Anyway, I’m just here, like always, living the everyday Groundhog Day. Hope you write me back. Hope you are doing alright.

Sincerely Yours, Your Calliope Love

May 8

Dear Juniper,

We are having a really bad storm today and have lost all power. I’m currently writing to you with a flashlight in one hand, so please bear with me for my handwriting is not the best.
Once again, I’m just checking up on you. I really, really hope this letter finds you happy and well. Things are just getting worse and worse.
About thirteen more aunts, uncles, and cousins have gotten the bug, and about eight of them passed away. No funerals, no goodbyes…only silence. I’m really teetering on the edge of insanity, and I wish it was me who got sick and not them. I wake up to the same desolate landscape, all depressed, anxious, and restless, and I imagine a happier place, somewhere off in the distance. Sometimes I want to hurt myself really bad, and the two things that stop me from doing that is you and my mom.
Anyway, I hope you’re in a better condition than I am. I’m just living the everyday Groundhog Day, patiently waiting to hear back from my love.

Sincerely Yours, Your Calliope Love

May 22

Dear Juniper,

I hope this letter finds you happy and well. Unfortunately, I am sick with the bug, and I hope that you haven’t got it yet. My mom has been living in a hazmat suit for two weeks now, helping me stay alive and fight the virus. I am so weak, so tired, and I’m unable to write that well. I’ve been in and out of hospitals, drugged up on heavy medications, and unable to walk properly without support. I’m not doing that great, but I ignored the pain to write to my love. The news caster lady now says that over sixty-six thousand people have died from the bug; and three aunts, four uncles, seven cousins, and five of my closest friends are all a part of these statistics. It’s getting bad, Juny. Really, really bad. I’m trying to hold myself, but my depression, anxiety, and restlessness are all spiraling my health downward. I’m trying to hold on because I know that our love will always persevere. I just have to hear from you to know that you’re doing ok. Anyway, it’s just a usual day. Like always, I’m living in an everyday Groundhog Day, looking for something to end it. Please end it all for me, Juny. I believe in you that you can make it all better.

Sincerely Yours, Your Calliope Love

May 23

Dear Calliope,

This is Juny’s mother. We are sad to inform you that he has already passed away. He’s been sick ever since the twenty-sixth of April and passed away on the twenty-ninth. I’m so sorry that we didn’t inform you sooner, but we were grieving.
We have been getting your letters, as well as reading older ones that you guys have sent to each other. I never knew that a pretty girl like you dated my Juny. All this time he has kept this a secret. It would have been lovely to know ahead of time that someone from school loved him. But as a gesture for being there for him and checking in so often as you did, Mr. Wix and I would be more than delighted to send you a couple drawings of his. He really did love you, so it’s the least we could do in return.
Just always know that Juny is in your life still, looking and smiling at you from the other side. He’s with God now. He is safe now and is no longer hurting. I know it’ll take some time to get over this unsettling news, but we believe in you, dear. We believe that if you ask for help, God is always there to protect you. Don’t fight this alone. Fight it with God and you’ll make it through. Once again, thank you for being the love, spark, and light in Juny’s life. No one can ever ask for a better friend and girlfriend like you.

Best Wishes, Mr. and Mrs. Wix

May 25

Dear Juniper’s parents,

I hope this letter finds you both well, but it appears that Calliope passed away today. I saw the last letter that came from this address and the three child-drawn pictures attached with it.
As non-believers within this house, your last letter was unsettling. You told my baby girl to believe in God? Well, believe she did, and look where she’s at now?
I’m sorry, but if I had known early, maybe my daughter would still be here. And since she is no longer alive anymore, I have attached Juniper’s drawings to this letter. They are not needed anymore. Still, I’m glad that he kept my daughter happy and alive for as long as it lasted. However, please take care of yourselves. This is a very unusual and hard time we are living in, and you’ll need God every step of the way to get out.

Best, Mrs. Tuppor

I must be going insane, no I’m definitely insane!

To think that I’d… like… someone I just play video games with-

Uh… I lost…

Ugh!!! This is all your fault! I can’t focus and it’s your fault! Not because I’m bad at the game, no!

Ahh!! This isn’t good!! If I only I didn’t accepted your stupid V.S invite I wouldn’t have met you!!

Oh maybe he’s your soulmate that’s why you can’t stop thinking about him, shut up! He’s not my soulmate! Those things don’t exist you noodle swine!

Anyone who believes in those are idiots! Fools! Morons!

I’m just an admirer of your skills is all, nothing more!

…

Oh,woe is me. Pray and tell me why I am the way that I am? Swayed oh so easily with measly tricks and tethers.

What am I saying…?

Sigh…

We’ve just been playing rhythm games and shooting games together… we’re just like friends. Just online playmates… stop beating for him my heart, this stupid and I want this tomfoolery to end.

I’d feel much better if we could just get in a call for once so I can get turned off by the fact you’re a 58 year old man!

Ahhh!!! I hate this! I hate you! Go die and lose every single match from now on!

Ping!

Please don’t be him, please don’t be him- it’s him… ugh and he’s inviting me to play a gun game as well! I’m not very good at those…

Ping!

“Want… to… get… on… a-“ he’s asking to call! Ahh!!! I didn’t think this would happen! I’m not ready! What if my voice cracks? Ahh!!!

Water! I need to drink water!

Okay… I think I can do this now…

“Test o-one, two, three.” I knew it! My voice sounds really bad!! I can’t talk to him like this!!!

…but this might be the only chance I can get a chance to talk to him… besides if he is a 33 year old man then, I won’t worry anymore. Silver linings- is him being a 73 year old man really a silver lining though?

Ping!

He’s getting impatient! I need to reply quick!

Ring! Ri-

Come on say something! This is too awkward!!!

“H-hello?” AHH!! So he isn’t 65! But he could still be, he just sounds young.

Okay act cool. “Sup.” That’s not cool anymore!!! Ahhh!!! What am I doing?!

“Haha! Sup! I thought you weren’t gonna reply! I didn’t expect your voice to sound like that at all.”

He hates it! He doesn’t like my voice! “What did you think I sounded like?”

“Mm… I thought you would have an accent.”

“An accent? What accent?”

“You use a lot of English slangs, like using clapped as an insult.”

“Oh, hah… no, I’m not English. Sorry to disappoint, I just hear those terms get thrown around.”

“Mm. Same with mine. You logged on yet? I’m waiting to send you an invite.”

Oh right, game.” Yeah, it’s still loading give me a sec, my laptop isn’t really built for gaming.”

“Wait really? I thought for sure you had some kind of gaming laptop.”

“Nope, just a plain old regular laptop with no rbg keyboard…”

“But you do use a gaming mouse right? A Logitech?”

“Yeah, how’d you know…?”

“You told me when we were playing that rhythm game, you’re forgetful huh? Or am I just not memorable enough?”

“No, no, no I’m just forgetful. Sorry, my bad.”

“It’s cool, it’s cool.”

“Oh! I’m in! Game just loaded, send the invite.”

“Alright! We’re playing ranked so take it seriously ok?”

“What makes you think my previous performance weren’t?”

“You were… try-harding…?”

“No, I’m kidding. But I am fairly new so don’t blame me if we lose.”

“I own up to my mistakes, don’t sweat it.”

“Now you’ve confused me, do I take it seriously or do I not sweat?”

“Play seriously but also have fun, if we lose don’t mind it and don’t blame yourself.”

“Got it chief.”

Maybe one day when everything’s better outside, we could go out and touch grass… together…

“Alright, game’s starting stay close and stay behind me. I need you to heal me when I’m low.”

“Roger, roger!”

“Haha! Alright, game on!”

She could only see his eyes, but it was so obvious he was smiling. They were twinkling ruthlessly; the soft gray surrounding his pupils somehow the most vibrant thing in the room. The gentle murmur of the lobby had completely faded from her reality as the beat of her own heart pummeled away at her chest. His beard hair was curling coyly around the edges of his powder blue medical mask, like an invitation to peek underneath. It was maddening. As he slid his glasses up along the bridge of his nose, a jolt of lightning made its way down her spine. She relished in the slow pour of the water cooler, basking in the nearness of his presence as water filled her cup in a slow, steady stream. He was leaning coolly in the doorway, waiting to use the copier. Every few moments, he would glance over and twinkle some more in her direction. She realized she’d have to leave the room to quench her thirst; one pull of the mask down off of her face would instantly expose the affection of her untamed smile to the entire lobby. No, if their workplace romance was ever going to leave the building, they would have to play things cool. The masks, it seemed, could actually play to their advantage. It was a chance to take their love to the skies in secret, evading all the questions and prying eyes. Having stalled just long enough, she walked off with a subtle sway in her hips and thought to herself, “no way six feet will keep us apart.”

I let out a soft sigh as I look out the window of my home, watching the clouds go by. Why did this have to happen? I was planning to meet the most amazing person ever! Now because of this virus, I can’t! I frowned a bit at the thought.

“Will I ever get to meet him?” I felt tears prick my eyes as I looked at my phone, watching a notification pop up. It was a message from my lover. A small, yet sad smile appeared on my face as I opened it. It was a good afternoon message, he sadly did sleep in. But who could blame him? He was a busy man. By busy, I mean streaming all night! I loved watching his streams, watching him freak out over some horror games. It was cute really.

You jumped when you felt your phone vibrating, seeing that he was video calling you. You were quick to answer, trying your best to look as happy as he was.

“Hi, baby!” He called out as he waved, looking at the camera. You waved and smiled. “Hey, handsome. What are you up to?” You asked, looking at him through the screen. He blinked as he looked around, thinking of what to say. “Oh you know, waking up and talking to an amazing partner.” His cheeks lit up at bit, wearing a cheeky smile. “What about you, Mí Corazon?” He asked, his brown eyes resting on the screen. You shook you head. “Watching the clouds, hoping it rains.” You smiled faintly. He noticed you didn’t look as happy as you usually do, staying quiet for a moment as he thought. “Hey! I love you! I have to go, mom is calling!” He spoke quickly as he hung up.

You sat there, befuddled and quiet. That was weird, for why? You sighed. “Not even Xavier wants to talk to me..” You felt your heart break into two. You got up from your chair and thought about what you wanted to do. It was mid spring and nobody was allowed to be outside, or at least outside in town. You decided to stream, getting everything set up and ready! It had been at least a week since you’ve streamed, you weren’t as popular as Xavier was, but that was okay! You still had fun.

You decided to stream Super Mario Party! You smiled as you began the stream, choosing your character; of course it would be Boo. You chose hard, beginning the game.

“Let’s see who will go first!” You spoke as you rolled your die, landing a five. Sadly, Bowser had landed a Six. But hey! At least you weren’t last, unlike Shy Guy! You looked at your phone for a moment, seeing there were no notifications. You frowned a bit. You looked at the camera that was streaming. “Maybe next game I’ll play with a few guests!” You smiled, trying to act like you were okay.

After a few turns, You were in second place with two stars. Rosalina was in first with three! You noticed that you had quite the viewers, making you happy. “I hope everyone is having a good time watching this! This game is going to be pretty intense.” You chuckled softly.

Hours went by and you had made a few friends from the stream, playing with them while you continued to stream the game. You groaned when you seen that you lost again in third place. “Dammit!” You sighed. “Another round?” One of them asked. “Hell yes.” You said, causing them to laugh.

After a while, you heard a knock at your door, making you pause your game. “I’m sorry guys, give me just a second..” Your mom had answered the door before you could, with her shooing you back to your room. “Ah, nevermind I guess it was for my mom.” You said as you unpaused, sitting down. It was your turn to roll, using you personal one. You rolled a seven, smiling as you watched Boo float across the spaces.

A gasp escaped you when you felt arms wrap around you from behind, quickly looking back to see Xavier. “Xavier?! What are you doing here?” You asked, tears pricking your eyes as you tackle hugged him. “I came to see you, Mí Amor.” He smiled as he held you close and kissed you. Everything felt amazing, like it was going to be okay. You felt safe and happy. You felt like you were home.

n

Sobbing. That’s the first sound that ushered me to her. Through the thin wall the head of my bed rested against I could hear gentle mewling and tears, which were trying to be silenced. It was faint, almost unrecognizable. But it was there, just above my head and through the wall. I let my mouth hang open to quieten my breath, attempting to catch a sound of her mood improving. It did not.

I hadn’t had much interaction with my neighbor. I was fairly certain she was a woman around my age. We only crossed paths through happenstance, and when we did the most we interacted was a kind, ‘hello’, before we slinked back into the roles of strangers. I didn’t think I could even give an accurate description of her appearance. Which is why I was surprised when I opened my mouth to talk to her that night. I sat up in my bed and rested my head against the wall between us. ‘Are you okay?’

I spoke so softly I may have just imagined the words. Moreover, no response was offered back to me. She may not have heard me, or she may have heard me and thought it was weird that the stranger who lived next to her was suddenly talking to her. It would be best if I left the situation and fell asleep, pretend all of this was a dream. Rolling down into bed, the shuffle of my duvet almost caused me to miss her response. ‘I’m okay. Everything is just a lot, you know?’

For a moment I was frozen. She spoke back. I managed to stutter out a response, ‘I get that. I thought it would all be over by now, but two months in and here we are.’ I thought I heard a sharp intake of her breath, as if my comment brought some humor to her. ‘Me too. I just miss my family. It was my brother’s birthday, and this is the first one I’ve ever missed.’ ‘I’m sorry, but I do think he’ll forgive you for missing this one.’ ‘Hopefully,’ I can feel the smile in her response. ‘Anyway, I’m sorry to be keeping you awake with my problems.’ ‘No, don’t apologize. I know we don’t exactly know each other, but you can talk to me whenever, I’ll always be right through our wall.’ ‘Thank you, I’m Zoe, by the way.’ ‘Ben.’ ‘Goodnight, Ben.’ ‘Goodnight.’

Zoe. The woman who lived behind the wall. Our wall. I had called it our wall. And it quickly became our wall. After that first night it became part of a routine to check in with Zoe each night to make sure she was doing okay. But it evolved as quick as it began. The conversation shifted within a week from comforting each other through the hardships of being cooped up all day into laughing and learning about each other. She had just graduated from the same university I was about to start my penultimate year at and had been in the process of being hired as a child psychologist when the pandemic struck. She had a younger brother and an older sister - both of whom were lovable yet excessively annoying. Her singing voice was even more angelic than her speaking voice, and she wanted to live in Australia one day. Zoe was easy to talk to, easy to get along with. Easy to fall for.

It had been almost a month since our initial interaction that I decided to ask if we could somehow meet. There was no way to go on an actual date, in fact I hadn’t even phrased it to sound as if it was a date. For all I knew she just wanted to meet the guy she’d been speaking to through a wall for the past month. We came to the decision that we’d just go to the local supermarket together- socially distanced, of course, but together.

I slipped on my mask and slung my backpack over my arms, with a shopping bag crinkling within it. My hands shook as I reached for my door handle, and I was breathing heavier than reasonability. I could feel the sweat as my skin made contact with the cold metal and it took three deep breaths of encouragement before I took the plunge and opened my door.

The hallway was quiet, as was expected. The décor and colour were minimalistic at best. But standing just a few feet to my left was Zoe, the woman I’d spent the past month revealing everything to. What outrageous dreams I could have, or the dark thoughts which whisked through my head. The highest points of my life and that one time I broke my leg and was bed-ridden for what felt like an age. It was easy. She was the woman through the wall. Almost imaginary at how perfect she was. But there she was. Real.

Her long, brown hair fell over her face, but I could still see and was enthralled by her oceanic blue eyes. She must have sensed how tense I was - that or she saw it painted on my face, I found it difficult to hide my emotions. But, through her mask, I spotted her sweet smile and a slight flush of her cheeks, when she brushed away her hair; and finally seeing her in person made me relax. ‘Hey,’ she breathed out, her eyes squinting slightly and mask shifting as her smile grew. ‘Hey.’

~1~ I’m Caitlyn. Born 2030, I'm Generation β. In 2019, a global pandemic broke out and I grew up in what was called “the new normal”.

Anthony sat next to me in maths class on our first day of high school. Since we all wore masks, I had no idea what his face looked like, but what he did show was enough to give me palpitations from the moment I saw him. His strong eyes, lush eye lashes and his smooth porcelain skin.

That day at recess i saw Anthony drinking from the tap in the oval.

When he turned off the tap and looked up, he noticed me.

~ 2 ~

< Anthony’s POV > I couldn’t believe that girl Caitlyn had followed me to the oval. I don’t know what would get me into more trouble, being maskless or drinking from a tap outside your home.

Caitlyn, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Look.. about me drinking from the tap..”

“..I won’t tell anyone!”

“And you seeing my face…”

“I was too faraway! I didn’t see anything, I swear.”

“Well, maybe you could show me yours? Then we’re even.”

“W..what..??”

“Will you show me your face? Take off your mask.”

I saw tears well up in her eyes.

“I.. I can’t. I’ll get into trouble. I’m sorry.”

She ran off. Sh*t.

I was relieved when I saw her again in class and she still sat next to me. I decided to show how pleased I was to see her again. Luckily she seemed to feel the same way. We “clicked” and became good friends.

< Caitlyn’s POV > I had lied when I told him I didn’t see anything. I did see his face and it was out of this world.

It was years later when I saw Anthony’s face for the second time. This time we were at uni, in a tutorial room. It was another hot summer day and Anthony said he needed to cool down and left. When he returned, he had his face hidden in the crook of his elbow. He had hurried back and closed the door behind him.

“..Anthony? What’s wrong?”

“I removed my mask to wash my face and it got blown away by the wind. Caitlyn.. do you have a spare mask?”

“Um.. yeah. Here.”

“Thanks Caitlyn, I appreciate this..”

Anthony was about to turn his back towards me to put on the mask.

“No..Anthony..”

“What?”

“Don’t turn away.”

“..What?”

Please, don’t turn away.”

Our eyes locked.

“Oh. Geez. Um. Okay.”

To my surprise Anthony simply unwrapped his arm from his face. He looked completely different. Of course he would, he was 13 then and now 18. In those 5 years, once a boy, my best friend had turned into a young man. And a beautiful one of that.

“Caitlyn? Why are you crying?”

~ 3 ~

Caitlyn replied between soft sobs.

“I..I’m just sad I missed out seeing your face for all those years I’ve known you. I can’t believe this is only the second time I got to see your face.”

Anthony raised an eyebrow.

“Second? I thought you said you didn’t see anything the first time.”

Caitlyn bit her lower lip.

“I lied. I did see your face back then. I’m sorry.”

Anthony smirked.

“..So Caitlyn do I get to see your face this time?”

“But I…”

“Oh c’mon Caitlyn I’ve shown you mine twice and you haven’t shown yours not even once to me.”

< Caitlyn’s POV > But what if I showed Anthony and he was disappointed.. or worse, he laughed? I looked up and I almost freaked out. He was standing so close to me.

..But I would be an idiot to pass up on an opportunity like this, to experience this level of intimacy with him. I took his hands and lead them to my face to let him remove my mask.

< Anthony’s POV > When I removed her mask and saw her face for the first time I finally understood. It was like unwrapping a present. It was beautiful. But why did she look so scared? I cupped her face with my hands. “Caitlyn, c’mon, it’s me.”

< Caitlyn’s POV > I was so scared he’d recoil or scoff or..

“Caitlyn, c’mon, it’s me.”

He had read my mind. He smiled as he moved in, closer and closer. He stopped and I gave an ever so slight nod. He then move in that very last bit and sealed my lips with his.

I heard Anthony’s soft giggles as he held me in his arms.

The world has stopped. No one comes and no one goes. Silent streets echo with ghostly whisper in the chilled unsettled air. A rare rumble of a vehicle engine breaks up the strange atmosphere. Cooped up with no place to be and nothing to do, except for hunching over my laptop continuing with online lectures for university.

Apart from that the days pass by listlessly, merging into a single blur. A whole year sneaks by and no one pays much heed to the events because everything is insignificant without being able to share the moment with the near and dear ones.

Another day, the same four walls. Slowly everything fades away lost in a restless and frantic mind. Phantom faces appear at the windows and mirrors taunting and goading my empty eyes. Appearing in the corners murmuring eagerly trying to make conversation, then there’s no one there.

Is there anyone who can save me now?

Troubled thoughts and a fragile soul, cling to any remains of the life before hoping to be kept a float by shattered fragments. To start with it wasn't so bad, a slight adjustment of the sails to keep in a straight line. Rising and falling with the sigh and rolling waves of emotion.

Until tossed into the abyss of a heaving ravenous ocean of torment, wind screaming through the wires and lines, sails snapping angrily. Huge waves leap aboard, unforgiving and baying for blood, spitting in the face of the sailor. Until it laughs as it rips the mainsail rope from the slippery grasp of torn hands sending it flying away letting the boom swing, violently lashing out at being kept at bay for so long.

Glorious warm sunshine vanished behind the midnight curtain, that rushed across the brilliant blue. There would be no more hope. Hold tight. In for the long haul.

Need a distraction. With shaking hands I pick up my phone, scrolling through the countless snapshots of memories. When I realise that even before the forced solitary confinement by the government, I was isolated and alone. A single friend, who remained a constant and an anchor to my wayward mind, could no longer be reached. Only the thin beam of light from a lighthouse could save this floundering ship; a text brightens the night, a morsel of hope.

Amongst the chaos of the maelstrom, a romance was rekindled. Romance is meant to bring light, love and someone to endure the storms with. Like spring butterflies that dance gracefully upwards, skipping through the cheerful fields of flowers. The scent of new life makes the brain go fuzzy with growing prospects. But what if… What if romance brings desolation, despair and self-loathing?

Serving quivering memories on a silver platter, quarantine brings out the worst of the mind. Offering up flashes of past abandonment, loneliness and fear. With no escape it traps you in the dark, running away with a black banner streaming. Laughing in glee that there is still hope for the emotions and memories kept safe in the deepest vault.

Breathe. In- Hold- Out. In- Hold- Out. Focus on the weight going through my feet, ground myself.

In- Hold- Out. What colour is the emotion I’m feeling?

In- Hold- Out. I’m fighting a losing…No concentrate!

In- Hold- Out. What if I just reach out?

Reach out to what?

See the dull glint of metal, that’s what I’m reaching out for.

No, you mustn’t, remember what your therapist said!

But it felt so good, it was always there for me. Listened to me, let out all the built up frustration.

There are better ways of dealing with this!

Nothing feels better than watching a thin line appear, beading softly before shedding its tears.

Don’t do it! You’ve been clean for two years now!

Please? Just once.

Remember your other techniques; sketch, exercise, practice your piano, write. How long did you entertain it before you sought help?

Nearly, six years.

How long have you entertain the devil?

Fourteen years, nearly fifteen.

So please don’t listen to that little evil voice, listen to me you got this, just breathe. In those fourteen/fifteen years you have gained all the tools to resist the toxic lies of the evil voice.

Sorry, I’ll leave it be and put it out of sight.

Thank you.

Flopping down defeated, I stare at the ceiling feeling empty and alone. Haunted by the ghosts of the past, the ghosts of the present, offering arms of comfort only to be dispersed by a faint breeze.

What if I am nothing more than a flicker of something, absence personified. There but not there, easily forgotten by everyone. Replaced by bubbling laughter and wonderful memories. Maybe that’s why I am alone; can absence have feelings of remorse and lingering regret?

This lockdown brings out the best and the worst in people; I know it’s hard for everyone. Yet it’s excruciatingly hard for those who have had an entire support system yanked from beneath their shaky legs. Fought it once and fight it again, then maybe the true stars of love can find away to shine through.

Perhaps I should imagine what it would be like to have a social life, and if I’m lucky someone special, to pass the time.