Staying up, I say, Staying up late, letting it all come out. Staying up late, writing everything out. Staying up to my own time of choice,

Staying up, letting my mind make noise. Staying up until it interferes, Staying up until the pain appears. Four AM—writing these out. Four AM—letting it pour out.

Four AM is when it all creeps in. The dark feels heavier, The past feels too close. The silence stretches long, And the thoughts won’t let go. It’s tough to handle— I want to make it stop, But there’s no control Once it all starts to drop.

Slowly, yet surely, it’s taking over. Slowly, I’m drowning in a sea of memories. Why am I drowning in my past? Why do the words and thoughts pull me down so fast?

I want it to stop. The silence is deafening, The thoughts are suffocating. I want to take control, But I’m too far deep.

It’s four AM, and I’m slowly drowning. Drowning is what I do. Drowning has become a part of me too.

But I don’t run from it anymore. I don’t fight what’s already there. The pain shaped me, But it no longer defines my despair.

Now you are just memories

A remedy sung in bittersweet melody

An elegey on tip of tounge

A muttered cough instead of love

A hung coat on finished laundry

An important significance

A somber sundry

Miscallenous patterned puzzles

Smiles in muzzled, desperate sprained muscle

Do you remember me?

That is the greatest pain

That every moment I think of better

You think things should stay the same

I hope one day I resound in every

Wrinkled crevice in your brain

Summon empathy for times past

Times we’ve laid to waste

Times I’ve spent to wait

I hope simple succinct memories you chase

Pace a life paved on path to greater things

I hope your remember me

How I am

I hope it brought you joy when I cared

When I laughed

I hope it comes to pass

The day you stray from brick road

To admire how light hits grass

I hope you look at it like glass

And refect on what I’ve mentioned

Maybe life deserves love too

Past ill willed

Thrill filled

Cruel predilections of

Misguided intention

I am like the beauties of nature I am loud like waterfalls I am crazy like rabid raccoons I am loving like mama bears

Yet, when the rain comes I am annoying like slippery rocks I am frustrating like mud I am too much like overfilled lakes

Sometimes I wonder how people see me Do they see a serene landscape With lush trees and bright colors Or do they see a boring patch of trees?

Personally, I see myself as a bear I am protective I am soft I can be scary I can be cute I like to play
I like to hibernate

I am like the beauties of nature As the weather changes So do I

I want to hate you But I don’t

I want to love you But I can’t

I want to be mad at you But my heart won’t let me

I am mad. Mad that I can’t hate you

Mad that I can’t love you, And mad that you don’t love me

Angry at myself because I’m so empathetic,

I can’t even punch my pillow With my burning anger.

Why don’t you love me? Why don’t I love you?

From shadows deep, where once I dwelled, I found your heart, where light is held. You've seen me through the darkest night, With gentle words, you brought the light.

No judgment cast, no harsh critique, In you, I found the peace I seek. You know my past, its heavy toll, But you kiss my scars, and heal my soul.

A mirror of acceptance, kind and true, Reflecting love, in every hue. We've built a world from broken parts, Mending wounds, uniting hearts.

With every step, we write our story, In chapters bright, devoid of worry. So here I stand, with open heart, Grateful for this brand new start.

With you, my love, I fear no fall, Together strong, we'll face it all. For all the days that lie ahead, With you, my love, I'll share my bed.

And if the stars should dim their glow, In your love, I'll always know, A constant flame, a guiding light, With you, my love, my world is right.

And if you feel like I do, then there's an emptiness inside you. You can't cure it, or erase it, and god knows you can't replace it. As it rips your heart to shreds every night. You pray to sleep forever and hope to end the fight...

I once prayed to Jesus, but he turned tail and left me. Now the devil is pissed, and has taken his place, deep down inside of me. Where animosity grows and love destroys. And bitter has eaten all joy. A crooked smile doesn't hide all the rage. But I work my fingers to the bone anyway. A growl from my throat. It's not mine, though it matches my lack of hope. But I swallow down the anguish again. One more day, without stray, I fear I'm manifesting a trend. Of medication, and retaliation; I just want to dream without demons as friends. I talked to god and told him off, no I'll never be the same again...

-HMG

what’s next? tell me where to go. for i don’t know what i want. or what makes me happy. tell me to be who you want me to be. and what to do with this life. what to eat. where to live. what to wear. who to like. i’m indecisive. clueless. and you know everything. just tell me what to do.

i cant stop scratching, and there are bloody dots all over my arm, and i can’t stop scratching.

and oh how it burns, but in a pleasant way? almost like taking a shot of gin. not that i’ve ever tasted gin, i don’t even drink.

regardless,

i hope it scars. no i don’t. well, maybe. that’s my life. maybe.

and it burns when i bend my arm, when the skin has to move, because that how life is, no? moving hurts. everything hurts.

anyways, i think i’ll be fine. i hope it sticks around a bit, just as a reminder of how terrible i am, or as a reminder that i’m not well. i’ll take either or, i’m not picky.

did you know that my name means to sing?

yeah.

oh. i’ve stopped scratching.

i wonder if i’ll continue if i stop writing.

i hope i never stop writing. i hope i stop writing. i hope, i hope, i hope-

i’m sick of love i’m sick i’m sick i’m sick im sick of it and i hate it and i hate it because i love it and i love love so much it hurts and i’m so tired of the hurt and i just hate everything and all i can think of is love and other peoples loves and my lack of it and i just can’t take it anymore so all i can do is be angry at love and i am so so angry all i want to do is scratch and kick and scream and do anything but fall in love but thats a choice i cant make because i’ve already fallen in love and i hate it and there’s nothing i can do to take it back and i hate it i hate it i hate it so much that i can’t help but feel sick from all the love building up inside me it makes me want to vomit and cry because all i can do is love and im so tired of loving it’s too hard and i am just not built to house so much love and at the same time house none given to me so i am kicking and screaming and scratching and biting because i don’t know what else to do except for cry and maybe throw up and be tired and god what i would give to not love but i can't and i’m so starved and hungry and i just want to go home and crawl into my mothers arms and for someone to tell me that it’s gonna be okay-

because it really feels like it won’t be.

There exists no word, phrase nor symbol to encompass the sea of emotions that drown me in your presence. You are a great white, your waves pulling and lulling my mind with the sweet siren of whispered wishes. I float on your warm breath, a sole survivor on a measly raft buoyant on your surface. Your current drags me in a fated direction, right into the great hole of your mouth. Greedily you swallow just as I take deep lung-gasps of your love.

In uncharted waters I cease to exist, no more in the mapped mundane of the every-hour. You push at my sides as you pull me now from the surface and into you. The light fades with each second but I see you still. Your embrace at my waist, my legs, my chest. Crushing, cracking, caressing.