I found the journal on a rainy afternoon, hidden in the far corner of the attic. I wasn’t looking for it—just rifling through the old boxes that had been collecting dust for as long as I could remember. My mother’s things, remnants of a past she’d never really shared. The journal was tucked beneath a stack of yellowed papers; its leather cover was cracked and worn. I hesitated before picking it up, something deep inside me resisting the pull to open it. But then again, curiosity had always been my curse.

I flipped it open to the first page, and there it was—June 5, 1982, in my grandfather’s neat, slanted handwriting. I hadn’t even known it existed. He died before I was born, but I’d heard about him my whole life. Or, at least, I’d heard enough to know he was someone I was never supposed to ask about. His name was a ghost in our house, a shadow that clung to the walls and whispered through the cracks in the silence.

The first entry was a revelation. My mother had always told me that the Phoenix Order—the cult my grandfather had been part of—was evil, something to fear. She never went into details, but I grew up knowing they were the reason she kept us moving and hiding. It was why we never had a permanent home, why she never let me get close to anyone. The Order was a monster in the dark, always just a step behind us.

But as I read my grandfather’s words, I saw something different. He wrote with such passion, such conviction. He said the Phoenix Order wasn’t an evil force but a sanctuary. It is a place for people who want to improve the world and cleanse it of the corruption that has taken root. It was about rebirth, about rising from the ashes stronger, purer. The way he described it made so much sense. The world was broken. Full of lies and suffering. Maybe the Order was right—maybe the world did need to be torn down and rebuilt.

As I kept reading, I agreed, nodding to his words. And then, just as quickly, I’d stop and remember my mother’s warnings, her fear. She never wanted me to know about this, and now I was beginning to understand why. This wasn’t just some abstract ideology; it was something that had nearly destroyed her, destroyed our family.

But the more I read, the more I wanted to understand. Not just the Order but my grandfather himself. What had driven him to believe so strongly in something that everyone else seemed to fear? How had he become convinced that destruction was the only path to salvation?

I didn’t have any answers, and the more I read, the more questions I had. My grandfather’s words started to change, the tone becoming darker and more desperate. He wrote about the sacrifices that had to be made, the blood that needed to be spilled, and the fire that had to burn hotter and higher until it consumed everything in its path. It was no longer just about rebirth; it was about destruction.

That realization hit me hard, like a punch to the gut. I slammed the journal shut, my heart racing and my hands trembling. What the hell was I doing? How had I let myself get sucked into this madness? My mother had been right all along. My grandfather was a monster, and the Order was nothing more than a group of fanatics willing to do anything—sacrifice anyone—to achieve their twisted vision.

And yet… I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to the story. Something I was missing, something that didn’t fit. I needed to know the truth, all of it. I needed to understand why he had done what he did and been willing to sacrifice everything, even his family, for the Order.

I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. I couldn’t walk away now, not after everything I’d read. I had to finish what I started.

I opened the journal again, flipping to the final entries. The handwriting was messier now as if he had been writing in a frenzy, desperate to get the words out before it was too late. He wrote about the final days of the Order, the plans they had made, the actions they had taken. He wrote about the night everything fell apart—when my mother had finally escaped, taking me with her, leaving him behind to burn in the flames he had ignited.

And then, in the very last entry, he wrote about me.

I stared at the page, my breath catching in my throat. He mentioned me by name, something he hadn’t done before. He wrote about how he had known, even then, that I would come looking for answers one day. I would want to see the truth about where I came from, about who I was. He wrote about how he hoped I would understand, how he hoped I would see the world the way he did, and how he hoped I would continue the work he had started.

I slammed the journal shut again, my hands trembling. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let myself get drawn into his madness. But as much as I tried to convince myself, I couldn’t stop the nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, he had been right. Maybe the world was broken and needed to be torn down and rebuilt.

“Ren?” The voice startled me, and I jumped, nearly knocking over the boxes beside me. I turned to see my best friend, Leo, standing in the doorway, concern etched across his face. “You okay? I’ve been calling your name for like five minutes.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied, shoving the journal back into the box and pushing it aside. “Just… lost in thought, I guess.”

He stepped closer, his eyes narrowing as he studied my face. “You don’t look fine. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly, too quickly. I could see the skepticism in his eyes, and I knew I wasn’t fooling him. Leo had known me since we were kids. He could always tell when something was bothering me.

“You’re lying,” he said flatly, crossing his arms over his chest. “What’s going on?”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I didn’t want to drag him into this, but I knew I couldn’t keep it to myself. I needed to talk to someone, and Leo was the only person I trusted. “I found something,” I admitted reluctantly. “Something about my grandfather.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Your grandfather? The one who was in that cult?”

“Yeah,” I said, glancing at the box where I had hidden the journal. “It’s… complicated. But I think he might have been right about some things. About the world, about what needs to be done.”

Leo’s eyes widened in surprise, and a frown creased his forehead. “Ren, you can’t seriously be considering… Your mom always said that he was… well, you know.”

“A monster?” I finished for him, my voice bitter. “Yeah, I know. But what if she was wrong? What if there was more to it?”

Leo was silent for a long moment, his eyes searching mine. “Ren, you have to be careful. This kind of thinking… it’s dangerous. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help how I felt. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something I was meant to do, something bigger than myself. “I just need to figure it out,” I said quietly. “I need to know the truth.”

Leo’s expression softened, and he reached to place a hand on my shoulder. “Okay. But promise me you’ll be careful. Don’t do anything reckless.”

“I promise,” I said, but even as the words left my mouth, I wasn’t sure if I meant them.

Later that night, I sat alone in my room, the journal open on my lap. I read and reread the final entry, my grandfather’s words echoing. He believed in me. He thought that I was the key to finishing what he couldn’t. And as much as I wanted to reject that, to walk away, I couldn’t. Because deep down, I knew that he was right.

The fire was inside me, burning hotter and brighter with each passing moment. I didn’t know where it would lead me, didn’t know what it would make me, but I knew I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t pretend I was who I had been before I found the journal.

I could hear my mother’s voice in my head, warning me and begging me to walk away. But I wasn’t going to listen. Not this time. I had to see this through and find out where this path would take me. Because maybe, just maybe, it would lead me to the truth.

The truth about my grandfather. The truth about the Phoenix Order. The truth about myself.

And I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was ready to face whatever came next, even if it meant walking into the flames.

I had always been taught to fear them. Always told that what they believe was the opposite of what was true. But for some reason, I felt caught in the middle. I didn’t necessarily agree with everything my father and his family believed. It probably didn’t help that my golden retriever Sadie had been given to me just a few years earlier. The boy had seemed nice and trustworthy. Only later did I find out it was the bosses son who had given her to me. I always wondered if they would ever try to recruit me to their side. Even though the truth scared me, I knew what the answer would be.

ITALY, JUNE 2024:

Sitting on the terrace by the coast is calming and beautiful. I stare out at the crystal waters thinking about how I came to be here. My parents escaped a cult when I was about 2 years old and they love retelling the story, though they say it’s not supposed to be for entertainment.

They turned in a cult to the police due to unlawful executions in order to get what they believed in to become a reality. They thought that people who disobeyed the law deserved “severe punishment” even if it was a small misdemeanor.

My family was almost all eliminated for turning them in but somehow my parents were able to pull a few strings and migrate to Italy’s coast.

My life here has been rather normal, we’ve never moved, I go to Istituto Marymount High School. But a part of me feels like I’m stuck somewhere I’m not meant to be. It’s great here but I feel purposeless.

After the last bell rings and I’m out of school for the day I walk to the candy shop across the street from the school. I’m walking over to the usual shelf and reach for a chocolate bar but someone’s hand is on the last one. I look up to see a tall guy with wavy, sandy blond hair and dark brown eyes.

He chuckles and says “take it, it’s yours,” his smile is bright and almost perfect except for one tooth beside his top front teeth that’s slightly crooked but it’s perfect.

“Thank you,” I say with a slight smile and grab the chocolate before heading up to the front to pay. He grabs out 2 bucks and puts it on the counter with a wink. “Oh no, you don’t have to do that,” I say calmly, though I’m rather surprised a perfect stranger would offer that.

“Please, let me.” He smiles at the guy behind the counter and presses a small piece of paper into the palm of my hand that was behind my back. He winks and walks out. It was by far the strangest encounter I had ever had with anyone.

I unfolded the paper once I was back outside. It read, “Meet me at 10 on the corner near Via Cavour.” I thought it over on my way home and as I laid in bed that night. I was a nervous wreck because if I did go I could die but who’s to say he doesn’t know where I live. Besides, I’m curious as to why he invited me there.

I let my curiosity win against my better judgement. I snuck out my window and walked a couple miles to Via Cavour. Once I reached the corner I saw him standing there, leaning on a light post. His eyes shot up as I walked toward him and he gestured for me to follow him.

“Where are we going?” I blurted without thinking.

“Not far, just figured you should see this.” We walked in silence for about 15 minutes before arriving at our destination. We were somewhere I’d never been before. The buildings around us were old and some were falling apart. My smile faded as I saw a house in the center of the destruction.

That’s my old house. My mama used to show me pictures all the time. She made it sound like it was so far from where we lived now. All that was left of it was a dark frame and a few charred walls that were still standing.

“This is what happened when your family left the cult,”

“How do you-“

“I know a lot more than you think but that’s not the point. Your parents betrayed us. But, I think you would like it here.”

“What?! You’re crazy! No way!” I turn to walk back home when his strong hand grabbed mine and tugged me back next to him.

“Listen. Please. Haven’t you ever wondered what exactly your parents decided to leave?”

I stand there turning the words over in my head before nodding.

“This cult has a bad rep, but they’ve done nothing wrong. Your parents did. We believe that you have a soul and we believe in God, but we also believe in protecting his people. When they were wrongly accused of things we found ways to save them. But your parents took it a step further. They used to burn houses of people that wronged us which isn’t the point of this at all.”

I stared into his eyes in horror and disbelief.

“When your parents were caught they blamed it on the rest of us, saying that they were trying to get out and stop us. They betrayed us.”

I stand staring at my feet now questioning everything my parents have told me. Why is it that I trust this guy I only just met over my parents, my own flesh and blood? As I think about what the cult believes in I start to think that maybe my parents were wrong to leave. I agree with everything he’s said but if I go, that means I leave my parents for a stranger.

In the quiet hours of twilight, Alex sifted through the dusty boxes stowed away in the attic, each one a portal to a past they scarcely understood. Nestled among faded photographs and forgotten relics, a weathered journal emerged, its pages yellowed with age. Curiosity piqued, Alex flipped through its contents, stumbling upon the clandestine musings of a forgotten era.

The journal chronicled the fervent beliefs of a once-thriving cult, its doctrines shrouded in mystery and fervor. As Alex delved deeper, the words seemed to weave a hypnotic spell, drawing them into a world of forgotten truths and forbidden knowledge.

Weeks passed, and with each passing day, Alex found themselves drawn deeper into the labyrinthine corridors of the cult's ideology. They devoured every word, every whispered secret, until the boundaries between reality and fiction began to blur.

One evening, as the moon cast its silvery glow upon the world, Alex found themselves standing at the edge of a secluded grove, the ancient trees whispering secrets of ages long past. And there, bathed in moonlight, stood a figure cloaked in shadows.

"Who are you?" Alex's voice trembled, the words hanging heavy in the night air.

The figure stepped forward, revealing themselves to be Sarah, a former member of the cult and Alex's long-lost cousin.

"I've been searching for you," Sarah said, her voice tinged with sorrow. "I feared you'd become lost in the same darkness that consumed our family."

Alex's heart pounded in their chest as Sarah spoke of the cult's teachings, each word a siren's call luring them deeper into the abyss. And as the night wore on, doubts began to gnaw at the edges of their mind, twisting truth into shadows of uncertainty.

Days turned into weeks, and Alex found themselves torn between the teachings of their family and the seductive allure of the cult's ideology. They sought solace in the words of their ancestors, but found only echoes of doubt and disillusionment.

One fateful evening, as the stars danced in the velvet sky, Alex stood at the crossroads of belief and uncertainty. And there, bathed in the soft glow of moonlight, they made a choice that would shape the course of their destiny.

With a heavy heart and a soul burdened by the weight of their decision, Alex embraced the teachings of the cult, their footsteps echoing the path of those who came before. And as they disappeared into the shadows of the night, a single question lingered in the air:

Was it faith or folly that guided their steps into the unknown?

As Alex delved deeper into the teachings of the cult, their interactions with Sarah became more frequent. They met in clandestine locations, under the veil of darkness, where the secrets of the cult were whispered like ancient incantations.

One night, beneath the boughs of a gnarled oak tree, Sarah handed Alex a tattered manuscript, its pages filled with cryptic symbols and esoteric diagrams.

"This is the key to unlocking the true power of the cult," Sarah said, her eyes gleaming with fervor. "With this knowledge, we can transcend the limitations of the mundane world and ascend to greater heights of consciousness."

Alex's hands trembled as they leafed through the manuscript, each page a testament to the arcane wisdom that had been hidden from the world for centuries.

"We must tread carefully," Sarah cautioned, her voice low and urgent. "There are those who would seek to extinguish the light of our truth, to keep us bound by the shackles of ignorance."

Together, Alex and Sarah delved into the depths of the cult's teachings, unraveling the mysteries of the universe with each passing day. But as their knowledge grew, so too did the shadows that lurked at the edge of their vision.

One evening, as they pored over the ancient texts in Sarah's dimly lit apartment, a knock echoed through the silence, sending shivers down Alex's spine.

Sarah's expression darkened as she peered through the peephole, her hand trembling as she reached for the doorknob.

"It's them," she whispered, her voice barely audible above the pounding of Alex's heart.

Before Alex could protest, Sarah flung open the door, revealing a group of hooded figures standing in the hallway, their faces obscured by darkness.

"We know what you're doing," one of the figures hissed, their voice dripping with malice. "You cannot hide from us forever."

With a sudden burst of movement, Sarah slammed the door shut, her breath coming in ragged gasps as she pressed her back against the wood.

"We have to leave," she said, her voice urgent. "They're coming for us, and we can't stay here any longer."

As the reality of their situation sank in, Alex felt a chill run down their spine, their mind racing with fear and uncertainty. But deep within their heart, a flicker of defiance burned bright, fueling their resolve to uncover the truth, no matter the cost.

With adrenaline coursing through their veins, Alex and Sarah hastily gathered their belongings, their hands trembling as they stuffed the precious manuscripts and artifacts into backpacks.

"We need to move quickly," Sarah urged, her voice urgent. "They'll be searching for us."

As they slipped out into the dimly lit streets, the night seemed to close in around them, the shadows whispering tales of danger and betrayal. Every alleyway felt like a trap, every passerby a potential informant.

"We need a safe place to regroup," Alex said, their voice barely above a whisper.

Sarah nodded, her eyes darting nervously from side to side as they navigated the labyrinthine streets of the city. Finally, they arrived at a nondescript building tucked away in a forgotten corner of the city, its crumbling facade a testament to the passage of time.

"This used to be a safe house for members of the cult," Sarah explained, her voice tinged with nostalgia. "We should be able to lay low here for a while."

As they slipped inside, the musty air enveloped them, the darkness offering a welcome respite from prying eyes. They made their way to a small room at the back of the building, where dusty furniture lay scattered like forgotten relics of a bygone era.

"We'll need to fortify our defenses," Sarah said, her brow furrowed with concern. "They'll stop at nothing to find us."

With grim determination, Alex and Sarah set to work, barricading the doors and windows with whatever makeshift weapons they could find. As they worked, the silence hung heavy in the air, broken only by the sound of their ragged breaths and the distant echoes of footsteps in the night.

Hours passed, each one stretching into eternity as they waited, their nerves stretched to the breaking point. And then, just as the first light of dawn began to filter through the cracks in the walls, a knock sounded at the door, sending a jolt of fear coursing through their veins.

Sarah's hand went to the knife sheathed at her side, her eyes flashing with defiance as she moved to confront their unseen assailants. With a deep breath, she flung open the door, ready to face whatever fate awaited them on the other side.

But instead of the hooded figures they expected, they were greeted by a familiar face, worn with worry and etched with lines of concern.

"Mom?" Alex's voice caught in their throat as they beheld the figure standing before them, their heart aching with a mixture of relief and trepidation.

"I've been so worried about you," their mother said, her voice choked with emotion as she enveloped them in a tight embrace. "I thought I'd lost you forever."

As the reality of their situation sank in, Alex felt tears prickling at the corners of their eyes, their heart heavy with the weight of everything they had lost and everything they had yet to discover.

But deep within their soul, a flicker of hope burned bright, guiding them forward into the unknown, where the shadows of the past would give way to the light of a new dawn.

In the safety of their mother's embrace, Alex and Sarah found solace amidst the chaos that had engulfed their lives. As they sat together in the dimly lit room, the weight of their shared experiences hung heavy in the air, each word a testament to the bonds of family and the resilience of the human spirit.

"We can't stay here," Sarah said, her voice low and urgent. "They'll find us eventually."

Their mother nodded, her eyes filled with a mixture of fear and determination. "We need to leave this city, start fresh somewhere far away from here."

And so, with a sense of purpose burning in their hearts, they made preparations to embark on a journey into the unknown. They gathered their belongings, leaving behind the remnants of their past lives as they set out on the road to redemption.

As they traveled, each mile brought them closer to a new beginning, a chance to leave behind the shadows of the past and embrace the promise of the future. Along the way, they encountered kind strangers who offered them shelter and guidance, their faith in humanity restored by acts of kindness and compassion.

And as they watched the sun dip below the horizon, painting the sky in hues of gold and crimson, they knew that no matter what trials lay ahead, they would face them together, bound by a bond that transcended time and space.

For in the end, it was not the darkness that defined them, but the light that shone from within, guiding them ever onward towards a brighter tomorrow. And as they disappeared into the vast expanse of the world, their spirits soared with the knowledge that no matter where life may lead them, they would always carry with them the strength of their convictions and the love that bound them together as family.

We nearly died Lucky to be alive Each day a gift now That we’re out of there

So they tell me in stories Of white robes and black tea How tightly they watched us Always so aware

Grass huts with dirt floors Water from a spigot Living on our own labor Holding on by a hair

Cut off from reality No news is good news Blissfully ignorant Without any care

But we were fortunate We woke up when we did Blessed that we left it And got out of there

Though often I wonder If I really feel lucky To be part of a world That lives only to scare

Wars rage over oceans Children dead in their homes Some displaced and some starving Their feet cold and bare

Wickedness taking over A constant barrage Of murders and shootings Never know how you’ll fare

Death sneaks up like lightning Accident or grave illness I find natural causes To be more and more rare

Hurricanes in the harbor Tornadoes beat the plains Fires turn towns to ashes And blacken the air

It’s a treacherous landscape A hellish existence Why should I endure it? Why should I even dare?

Why not live in a commune Away from all danger Where people are carefree Happily unaware

Eat fresh food from the land Meditate to the sunrise No more watching the news With a horrified stare

And if I die trying? Would that be so awful? Escape from this torment This wheat full of tares

I’d sooner live out my days Among peaceful companions Than worry my heart out In Lucifer’s lair

I yearn for those grass huts That euphoric people No idea why they’re so happy To be out of there

(Dang…writing this piece almost makes me want to join a cult….kidding ;)

Life was simply before I knew all of this. I played basketball with the other kids around the block, mom baked apple pies for community charity events, dad was a regular at the fire department hang out spot, and my kid sister was top of her class in science.

Then it happened. Our birth right. Our calling…sorry…THE Calling. The thing we were meant to do. The things our ancestors would want us to do. It’s a “rich legacy” they say. We owe everything we have to the God Queen. She’s our mother. Speaking of mothers, I’m not so certain that my mother is truly my biological mother. Our sex rituals tend to muddy things up a bit. No matter. I’m here now.

Yes…I’m here now. In the comfort and safety of our dark basement, encircled by fellow members, watching my legal parents and others partake in an orgy right before my 16 year old eyes. I stand here with a dagger in one hand and my kid sister’s bludgeoned head in the other, feeling pure elation and with tears in my eyes. I stand proud for what we stand for. This is bigger than me! In a few years time, I’ll be a priest in the God Queen’s army—bringing her more children, planting more seeds, sacrificing more and more and more and…wow…look at this…look! Human blood and cum all around…this is for Her! This is for my true mother!…I love you God Queen.

Mom said that she and dad were kidnapped by a group of people. Almost died!

I got curious, obviously. So I decided to search up the case. Back in ‘95. What came up was….nothing short of interesting.

The article I found was a bit old and debatably controversial.

‘A couple, Sandra Landen and Mathew Reed, went on an evening walk to the movie theater. On the way there witnesses stated that a group of three, two men and one woman, approached the couple. Posing as Mormons. A bit odd considering they were on a walk. The young couple were pushed in the side of a car. A red van. When completely pushed into the car it sped away, leaving no trace. Except for a witness. The case is still new, we will search for more and share more information.’

Hmm….not too informative, but considering that it was created in ‘95 I’ll let it slide.

After a few minutes of searching on google, typing a combination of words like “ ‘95 couple get abducted by cult.”, “cult that abducted couple ‘95.” I got the rough sketch, summary of what had happened to my parents.

Basically, this cult worships nothing. They believe in nihilism, they though that whatever you did in life was inevitably meaningless. You could do anything, life to the fullest but that wouldn’t matter. They believed in nothing, no god, no hope, no good, no bad.

No morals or religion.

That didn’t mean that they did crazy stuff. They just thought that, they just talked about it.

I….I kind of agree. I always thought that it didn’t matter if I did my work or not!

Surprisingly, they were very, very open on their feelings for….TacoBell? Wow..uh okay. Yeah, I like TacoBell too! But I’m not a hard shell taco guy- how did it come to this?

I-I’m agreeing with cultists? They kidnapped my parents! And what does TacoBell have to do with this? Why did the journalist include this? I’m done with searching these things up.

I’m going back to ordering TacoBell and I’m going to resume cringing at 90 Day Fiancé.

…while the person of the kidnapped couple was chilling on the weekend. They forgot to close the article on the cultists idea, hmm. There was no TacoBell, only-….flesh of..

The computer was closed, the owner finally remembering that they didn’t want the battery life to drain.

“My parents really tried to join them?” I ask in a small voice.

“Yes.” Marian said looking down on me.

“They barely escaped.” She said.

“And me?” I ask. Marian looked down at her feet.

“I- I saved you.” She said.

“So…you’ve lied to me all these years?” I choke on tears I’m trying to keep in.

“Adalia…” Marian pleaded.

“You’re not my mother.” I accuse. River puts a hand on my shoulder and I shake him off.

“WHERE ARE THEY” I demand, my voice shaky with tears that threatened to fall.

“I don’t know.” Marian shook her head.

“And the cult?” I ask raising my chin.

“Dead.” Marian said narrowing her eyes.

“Don’t you dare think about it. Adalia, I forbid you leave this establishment!” Marian says with a shout.

“And what power do you have over me Marian?” I ask. She looked at me with surprise, and hurt. I had always called her mother but why should I? She wasn’t.

Hours later I had found a way around the security guarding the home, guarding me. In my black cloak I walk to the last place I had heard the cult had met and sure enough, there they were.

As I listened from the shadows I find that…I agree with a lot of the ideas….

I tried. I tried for so long but it’s so driven into my brain, every time I want to do better, I want to move on I see his face. The leader, our chosen one. I can’t help but see him as a god among men. I can’t help but see me as inferior to his being. I want to but it’s like I just can’t. We escaped the cult but the cult never escaped me.

“They’re crazy. Don’t listen to a word they say. It’s all lies and misshapen truths. Promise me that, okay? That you won’t believe anything they tell you?” “I promise Mum.” We’re standing at the train station with one bag each in our arms and this is the third time our Mum has made us promise something like this. We nod and tell her what she wants to hear, but sneak glances at each other when she wasn’t looking. The truth is we all know Mum is the one we shouldn’t be listening to. She was always the outlier, the one who was scrunching her face in any of the meetings. She would mumble while we got ready for bed and we’d pretend not to hear. The ideas she would mention were outlandish, foolish. But what could we do? She’s our Mum. So we went with her. When she dragged us out of bed in the middle of the night, we couldn’t stay. We’ll come back when we can, when it’s safe.