*"Well, tell us a little about yourself, Joan."

"Oh! I, um, well, I enjoy bowling."

*"Ah."

"And bobbing for apples..."

*"Must be hard to do with friends during a pandemic."

"True, true. Umm... I hate the sound of fiddles but I adore the sound of the violin."

*"Aren't those-"

"I have 10.5 toes..."

*"Point... five?"

"My eyebrows hurt just before a storm rolls in-"

*"Well, that's unfortunate."

"And I always loved snakes until I woke up with one in my bed."

*(Swallow)

(Blink)

*"I - I'm so sorry, Ms. Maloan. What do snakes have to do with the job you're applying for? You are here to interview for our history professor vacancy, yes?"

"That's right. Hisssssstory."

*(Blink)

(Swallow)

*"Ma'am-"

"Quarantine's been BORING, ok? I need a reason to leave my house."

*"Yikes - all instruction is remote this year."

"Dangit. I had so many jokes queued up. Ones like, 'I'll be your best boa INSTRUCTOR.'"

*"Thank God we aren't desperate to hire."

"But I'd make a great civil...SERPENT."

*"That joke doesn't even work for this job."

"But I would."

*"The only thing you'd 'work,' Ms. Maloan, is my nerves."

"Now that's just cold blooded."

*"Well, I'm nothing if not...charming."

And that's the story of how Joan met her first husband. The dress code? UpSCALE.

I always loved snakes Until I woke up with one In my bed Slithering around in my head Leaving me for dead.

I have owned a lot is snakes Boa is my best, a python is my second choice I been around some rattle snakes Have killed a dozen or maybe two Water moccasin have a musky smell I could smell them in the wild I knew that they were near

The biggest snake I ever seen was in Texas too. Davy Crockett forest it must of been At least 20 feet. Long enough to scare a man. Big enough to swallow a human Louisiana has the most water snakes Farmers drain the rice fields snakes are everywhere

I never had a fear of snakes till I found one in my bed. A four foot copper head was laying on my sheets. The fear the thought of copper head laying right there in my bed

To wake up and see a snake lying in my bed It made me freeze and I had to think how would I get it out. I flipped the covers really fast it flew up in the air it went right and I went left I had to take control My nerves were jumping really fast Goosebumps covered my skin I could not stop from shaking my nerves were really shot. I have never feared a snake I had caught several thousand snakes But I must say it came real close to being bitten in my bed.

 Time has pasted and I’ve gained control I no longer fear a snake two foot long or 30 foot there all the same to me 

I don’t fear but I do respect a poisonous snake is dangerous small or large it’s all the same handle with respect.

  The snake I fear the most today 

It’s the one that likes to take it slithers in and takes your cash and does not bat an eye A slimy snake can be the worst it takes and takes and takes. I don’t respect a slimy snake nor will I ever agree with one. Once it’s out it won’t be back the locks are in my doors.

                                   Written By:
                                    Ghostrider 
                                     7-20-2021

I always loved snakes until I woke up with one in my bed. It was my fault, I knew it. I had been too lazy, saying tired, in setting up my sleeping area, the tent cabin. Precautions thrown to the wind with a passing, “snakes are snakes”; a silent rebellious statement. My leg was aching, more with each pulse of my blood coursing through my veins. My veins. I wondered how long before the venom got my heart, my lungs, took my life. Thoughts of tying a tourniquet came fleeting in & out of my mind, but by the time I awoke and realized what the retreating snake meant, I was already feeling the poisonous warmth and was beyond tourniquets, or help. I always loved snakes...

I always loved snakes until I woke up with one in my bed.

I’ve had a problem my whole life where I would always be attracted to people I found broken. Not the type of broken person that was in previously abusive relationships or had other types of trauma, but the broken type that would take their issues out onto others.

I never allowed myself to get close to people like this. It was another problem I had, where I couldn’t help myself but stay somewhat emotionally distanced from those close to me. It was a way to cope with not only bad relationships in my love life, but also during my childhood.

I suppose that’s why I’ve always likes broken people, because I am one myself. But I always followed my rule of distancing myself. I wouldn’t let out relationship go too far, knowing they would only hurt me and use it against me.

This all changed when I found myself falling head over heals for her. She almost seemed sweet at first, but I could see right through it. I thought I could change her, just as I could with any other relationship.

We went on a date to a bar where we danced, drank, sang, and had random people come up to flirt with us. She flirted back a bit, but thankfully she didn’t go to far. I was too drunk to tell her off for coming that close to cheating. Before I knew it, I was too drunk to stand. I don’t remember much after that.

The next morning when I woke up, I was lying peacefully in my bed. I rolled over to reach for my phone that usually lied on the nightstand, but my reach was blocked by her body. She was asleep in my bed. I looked under the sheets to be sure I was wearing clothes only to have my face flush when I saw I was wearing nothing.

I never wanted to take things this far this soon, but that’s the problem with snakes like her. They wait until the moment you can’t fight back so they can get what they want.

This was the final straw.

Viper’s mom yelled up the stairs,” Viper, time for supper!”

“Coming,I’m reading; I need to finish this chapter,” said Viper.

“Another reptile book?” said Viper’s mom.

“Snakes around the world.” said Viper with enthusiasm.

“I learned about a snake in North Africa called a horned desert viper! I didn’t realize viper is a species,” said Viper. “I am attending a zoo program about snakes today at the zoo. I can’t wait! It’ll make me more knowledgeable about my job at the state park.”

“Don’t forget to pack your camping gear for this weekend,” said Viper’s mom.

“That’s right! How could I forget about that?” asked Viper.

“You’re a busy young man,” said Viper’s mom.

“Thanks mom. I’ll have time to pack after the program,” said Viper.

Viper enjoyed his day at the zoo and held some snakes. He packed all his camping gear when he arrived home.

Viper and his friends left for camping the next day. When they arrived, they set up tents and fished for their supper.

“This fish is delicious,” said Viper. They also had bug juice which is a mixture of many fruity drinks.

They stayed up until ten o’clock then headed to bed. Each person had a tent of their own.

At eleven in the evening a snake slithered slowly into camp. Viper, not quite asleep, heard a hissing sound, but ignored it thinking he was dreaming.

The next morning, bright and early, the sun barely shown and the campers heard,” Ahhhh! A snake is in my bed!” The snake lay sleeping curled quaintly at Viper’s feet. Viper knew to sit as still as possible until he identified it.

Viper’s friend Sam came to the rescue. “What can I do?”

“Nothing, it’s not venomous, but we don’t want to startle it; it’s an eastern hog nose snake. It may bite,” said Viper. Startled though he seemed; all was well. “I always loved snakes until I woke up with one in my bed.”

I rolled over still cradling the bed covers between my legs. The night was blisteringly hot with barely any air circulating the room. As I lifted my groggy eyelids a wave of terror slid down my spine from what was laying beside me.

A snake.

Not the kind that hisses and sizes you up for it’s dinner. No, the kind that lures you in with unkept promises of forever and says exactly the right things when you want to hear them. The kind that tries to cuddle into you, hoping you aren’t still mad about the night before.

That’s exactly what he was doing. Planting “I’m sorry” kisses down my neck acting like another woman’s scent wasn’t still smothered all over him and burning my nostrils like the rage within.

“I always loved snakes until I woke up with one in my bed.”

It wasn’t an actual snake, though. It was the person who had been sleeping next to me for almost 15 years. I had begun to suspect something was wrong when money came up missing from our shared accounts without a good reason, when he was constantly changing plans, when his social media said he was in Chicago when he was actually in LA. He had gotten smarter-he blocked me on social media, and started using a phone not on our shared plan. Or at least he thinks he did. After all, in his ignorance, he failed to realize that everything leaves a trace. So I decided to do the only thing that I could do: deal the death blow to our moribund marriage. I called a lawyer, and served his pathetic ass with papers about a week after I fully and finally figured it out. What a pathetic SOB. I may be sleeping alone now, but it’s better than being with someone who didn’t want to be with me.

I always love snakes, until I work up with one in my bed. I fell for the lies, the promises.

Sure, I trusted him, despite all the signs to the contrary. Something about the way he spoke, the worlds he used; the talk of adventure and really wild things. I bought it all. It was like magic, I was enchanted.

So we got together. We plotted, we planned. Mischief was our calling. Oh, the fun we had! The chaos. I never wanted it to end.

Then he suggested camping, to a secluded forest few mortals dwelled. I was drunk with curiously, and smitten by it all.

It was beautiful, serene, and a welcome respite from out journeying. I remember that last night all to well.

I was tired, a deep fatigue that I felt in my very bones. I retired to my bedroll, and was asleep before I hit the pillow.

I awoke.

Alone.

Except for one very pissed off copperhead staring at me.

Yeah.

Nice prank.

How the Hel do I get out of this one?

Hmmm.

Let’s see.

poke, poke

Aw, shit. It’s a real snake.

Ouch.

Wow that dream was terrible, any- Why is Manny’s hog nose in my bed?

You know what? This is what I get for rooming with a snake person. At least I can see if the window above my bed is a viable exit now.