I don’t know what happened.

Any of it.

I don’t know what happened.

I don’t know why I slipped,

Why I slipped

And slipped

And _slipped_,

Like climbing a mountain made of mud.

I don’t know why I got so bad.

And I don’t know why that mountain turned to rock,

Why it feels like there are footholds and grapples,

Why it feels like I’m strong enough to climb it.

I can’t explain it,

But I am.

I am brave enough,

I am strong enough.

I am enough.

So when I woke up this morning,

I ate as much cereal as I wanted.

And I stopped doing pushups when my arms hurt.

And I ate my entire lunch.

And I came home and had a snack.

I ate until my stomach hurt,

_Because I wanted to._

I’m not hungrier than usual.

But I want that food.

I like how it tastes.

And I never really cared how big my stomach was.

It was just something to hurt myself for,

Something to get lost in.

And I’ll keep doing the pushups,

Curl ups,

Planks,

Running.

Not because I have to,

But because I enjoy it.

I want to be stronger,

And I like knowing I’m working toward that.

And I’m making all these little decisions of how to think.

Not how to act,

But how to think,

How to _feel_.

I enjoy doing the extra math challenges.

I like studying the maps for history.

I want to know how DNA works.

So I won’t give power to the voice that says

“You idiot. You realize you’re going to fail all your tests?”

And I’ll listen to the voice that says

“Hey, this is kinda fun!”

Because that’s my voice.

My choice.

So I’m taking me back.

And I know it will be hard,

I know it will take strength

And bravery

And courage.

But I’m enough.

I can do that.

I used to think I could endure anything,

I used to think I had to put myself through shit to prove that.

No, I don’t.

It doesn’t take strength to starve yourself.

It doesn’t take bravery to hate yourself.

It doesn’t take courage to remind yourself you’re worthless.

It doesn’t prove anything to say “Hey, look how much I can hurt myself! And I’m surviving it!”

And to anyone who feels like this,

I’m not saying you’re weak,

Or a coward.

Not at all.

It’s _really_ hard to change your own mindset.

It takes power to say no to your own mind,

Even if it’s not right.

To reject what you don’t want to feel.

And some part of me always wanted to hate myself,

Simply because I’m worse when I’m bored with life.

So I’ll run.

And I’ll study.

And I’ll read.

And I’ll do things I like,

New, exciting things.

Not old, painful things.

No, those behaviors were from someone else.

Not me.

So I’m taking me back.

I’m taking back the fun girl,

The friendly girl.

I’m taking back the playful,

Curious child.

That’s me.

And the part of me that lives in shadows?

That’s me too.

And that’s okay.

So who will stop me when I take back my life?