Why am I so wary of the world? I don’t trust anything, anyone. I feel so distant, so detached. And so, so tired. Tired of expecting to be hurt. Tired of carrying on when I do get hurt. Tired of being tired.

Tired of not caring enough to save myself.

I don’t want to see tomorrow, Because I already know it’ll be exhausting and painful.

Since when was I this wary? Since when did I expect hurt around every corner?

What happened to the innocent girl who saw “tomorrow” as a synonym for “hope”? What happened to the girl who saw the brightest future?

And more importantly: Where did the girl who wants to give up so badly come from?

There is something haunting

And achingly beautiful about

A winter sunset.

The colors are muted

And numb.

And ever so gentle.

Raw and unapologetic

Under-appreciated and quiet.

A cold, unnerving, but almost peaceful

Sorrow

Sinks into the breath

Of everything breathing tighter

Together

It’s bitter and unforgiving

But also warm and nostalgic

A somber joy resting in the details

Of frost coated sonder

lethargic, heavy and slippery

But wakefull of

Wonderment

Bridged with

Confliction.

Mistakes and memory

Stitch the quilt that

Wraps us in the comfort

Of mortality.

Beautiful.

Haunting.

Isn’t it?

It’s all you It’s all you

High school I really put the high in high school Nickel blows in the bathroom I was that dude I follow no rules So what makes you think Your rules are worth me to follow My brain is goner I shot the devil in the face It was a honor It’s cause I fell in love with a few of his daughters It ended with a “fuck you and your father “ I ain’t expect hell to be cold I should’ve asked old girl I know she would know I put 50 racks on Lucifer’s head just to kill him myself to make sure he was dead Just to die in the process

It’s all in my head It’s all in my head It’s all in my head I don’t know if I’m alive or if I’m dead Help It’s all in my head It’s all in my head I don’t know if I’m alive or if I’m dead Help It’s all in my head It’s all in my head Help Help Help help Help Help Help Bitch Help Help Help Help Don’t be selfish

I gotta practice what I preach Everyone I fall in love I bleed I’m such a leach Like girl you cannot leave You’re stuck with me for eternity

L-O-L Ironically I choke her But I can’t breathe Get faded till I can’t think Get high till I can’t feel a thing But I still feel pain even through the numbness of me

I got a hazardest past Drugs in the cabinet stashed But don’t worry I only go there for emergencies Every day is a emergency Oh oh oh It’s all in my head It’s all in my head Help It’s all in my head Help I don’t know if I’m alive or if I’m dead Help Help Help help It’s all in my head It’s all in my head It’s all in my head I don’t know if I’m alive or if I’m dead Help help help help I’m stuck in my head Help help help help Will I ever get help Will you help me

Time is a cruel mistress. And I find her very hard to please. So many demons, minutes squashed underfoot. If then and now so when was the last?

The last time I looked at the animated faces and felt something some would call hope.

The last time I felt I was anything but just new, Anything to you.

The last time I checked my what must be broken phone for the lifelessness it stares at me with.

I was foolish. My demons, I thought I could tame.

Do you ever wonder if you’re looking at life freeze frame by freeze frame?

I've spent countless nights crying in bed, wondering what I've done to deserve the hand I was dealt.

I've prayed— no, pleaded —to a god I don't even believe in, hoping he would fix me.

He leaves my prayers unanswered, yet he punishes me for every mistake I've ever made.

Sometimes I wonder how one could still worship a god with such strict rules.

We're meant to worship him with no evidence he exists, and if you don't you'll burn forever?

He was the one who made us, who programmed us to question everything.

He's the one who planted the tree in the center of the garden, who turned a blind eye to the snake slithering into it.

He sent his own son to die for our 'salvation' yet he could've simply forgiven us.

He punishes everyone for the sins of a couple from thousands of years ago.

So the only question I have that I wish god would answer is...

why?

I think it’s kind of funny How I sit here and love

Love every one around me. I would choose Youand you and You

over again

to be my one person.

But who would choose me?

Everyone would choose someone. But not me.

People like me. Some love me.

But there is always a person that’s better. That is worth more.

I would choose you But you would choose your lover

I would choose you But you would choose another

I would choose you but you would choose one of our friends

I would chose you over and over and over again

But there is always someone else.

Someone else Someone else Someone else

Why won’t you choose me?

I grew up Watching people fall in love On TV, man and woman Getting married

And I wondered Why I didn’t want that life Why was it too hard to see I didn’t want to be that girl

And I watched as The boy treated her badly And then I’d fantasize on how I would treat her so kindly

Then entered school With boy obsessed friends And I wanted to know Why was I not crushing on some guy

And then I saw her face And my mind would light up Think about her all night all day And I got told that I had a crush

And that it was so normal Told me not to worry Then why in 2024 Is this love not so normal?

You told me That it was choice But doesn’t that Make your love a choice?

I loved you at first sight An instant connection so deep It pains me now to think of it You were my challenge and I failed you

You, Bluedini soul could escape any confinement Defying the laws of physics and often gravity itself You somehow even defy certain danger But I know now you could not defy fear….

You were not safe when no amount of comfort or medication, CBD, and herbal remedies. And try as I might I will never be able to unsee your panic and your shudder when a thunderstorm entered our valley…or rain..or high winds

A year and nine months I was fortunate to call you family I simply did not possess the emotional stability to lay low and hang loose when you feel so deeply for another spirit I love you Blue did I fail you?

Here’s my heart, Yours to keep

What once was steel, Now is glass

What once was broken, Is now perfected

Please don’t throw it, Or what was perfected, Is now unfixable

And what is unfixable, Is now unusable

And if my heart is unusable, How must I learn to love again?

There’s something about the way the world shifted. The mistake I made that day - thinking I could actually talk to that boy who had treated me like a human. But instead of joking around and smiling I just stood there acting like an ice cube, except for the sweat that was making my shirt stick to my back as I tried to open my mouth and talk- was all my mind would think about, all it would show me. That’s how I knew he was coming.

There weren’t any heavy steps to break the silence in the cold basement pantry. Just the pricing, buzzing silence. My heart slowed down in my chest, my lungs no longer begged for air, as the tears on my cheeks dried. He was here, watching me with his cold yellow eyes, reminding me of what I shouldn’t have done, pulling me by my neck with the chain he’d wrapped around me the day everything began. 

He forced me to look at the knives that were sitting peacefully on the top shelf of the small pantry. _Do it! _His voice hissed in my ear. _It’s what you need . . . all the pain will go away . . . you won’t have to keep wishing for change . . . you’ll be free. _

I shook my head, the dried tears on my face now wet and cold. “No,” I choked out as my feet started dragging me closer to the black, metal shelves. The knives were high up, glowing in the dim light of the pantry. Grabbing the stool that was used for getting cans that were too high to reach, I stood on my tippy toes straining my arm as the chain on my neck tugged harder and harder towards them. 

My hand trembled as my fingers wrapped around the cool, hard handle. _Good! _He whispered, his deep voice echoing through my mind. _Now . . . finish it . . . end it . . . fix everything. _

My head slowly moved up and down, as my shaking hand pulled the blade down to my eyes. It shone back at me, its silver point glowing as I stumbled off the stool.  I fell to the cold cement ground, sitting in front of an old mirror that was balanced on top of my mom’s toy chest that she’d treasured since she was little. This is all my fault . . . everything . . . I’m messed up, I don’t have friends, I can’t be me because I’m not worth anything. I’ll never be. 

The blade rose to my throat, it's cold sharp edge making shivers run down my spine.  Suddenly everything flashed in front of me. Not my life, not the people I cared for. But my reflection. My tear stained face, my reddened eyes and shaking hand that held the knife that was tickling my throat. 

See! He urged, as I stared back at myself. _You aren’t happy, you aren’t good enough. And that’s all you’ll ever be . . . unless you end it . . . end it now! _

What was there to disagree with? He was right, about everything. Except . . . I’m not brave enough to go through with this, I’m not strong enough to handle the pain. The knife steadily lowers itself to my left wrist that’s sitting helplessly on my leg. And without any effort I pull the knife across my skin, it stings like getting dragged across carpet. It didn’t hurt, at least not in the way it should have. The knife carves a bracelet around my wrist, with deep crimson blood following in its tracks and painting the blade. 

It doesn’t hurt? It’s supposed to hurt, I’m supposed to scream. 

No! He shrieks. _You idiot, it doesn't hurt because it’s right . . . this is right . . . the only wrong thing about it is the fact that this blood isn’t already dried on your dead body! _

I press the blade deeper into my skin, my eyes pooling with tears as his words echo through my mind. Why am I not enough? Why am I always so alone even when I’m surrounded by people? And why does the one person who's supposed to love me hate me? He hates me, the one who'ssupposed to encourage me to become who I want, who's supposed to stop me when I’m doing something wrong. Yet he hates me. What did I do wrong? 

_Living! _His hissing voice floods my ears. _That’s what you did wrong! You’re alive! You exist! _

A choked sob escaped my throat as the knife dropped from my fingers with a soft thud. My arms crawl up my chest to my shoulders, hugging me as hard as they can.

Everything goes black as my eyelids cover my eyes, everything except for the fading image of . . . me. Instead of blue eyes, they’re a dim yellow, my lips are curved into a frightful smirk of disappointment, and staining my face are tears, dried tears.  We stare at each other long and hard.

The yellow eyes slowly inching closer, almost as if they’re becoming mine. A shaky breath escapes me as a cold breeze runs through my veins. 

Everything is. . . okay. I’m okay . . . better than okay, at least that’s what I tell myself everytime I look in the mirror and see those yellow eyes, and disappointed lips shining back at me. “I’m fine,” I whisper softly to my reflection, as my eyes fall to my cut up wrist. “I’m perfectly fine, trust me.” 

 Now instead of walking around with a scar on the inside, there’s finally something on the outside, something that shows my pain. Everyday since then I think about what might have happened if I’d gone through with it. All I know is that if someone walked past my grave and saw M-I-A I’d want them to say Maya, that’s all I’d want. It’s just a matter of time before my wish will come true, before my grave will be the scar to show my pain . . . to show . . . what I am and always will be. Broken. Mistake. Nothing.