I used to think love was urgent I could feel it trembling in my bones Demanding to be set free Demanding I unleash it on anyone Willing to show me An ounce of kindness An inkling of affection I used to think I had to share it All of the love inside of me And if I didn’t It would waste away Expiring on a shelf Like old forgotten apples Turning moldy I couldn’t leave any of it behind But somehow It never felt right A puzzle piece that almost fits But not quite

I used to think love was a rush A romance novel Where the guy and girl know A few days is all it takes For a happily ever after To blossom And so when I found someone I fell in love It only took a second And when they walked away Because I was too much I felt something inside of me break Because if my offered love Wasn’t good enough for them What was I worth?

I used to think love Was a stagnant pool of water Scummy and dirty A breeding ground for mosquitoes Where thousands would grow Just to feed off of what I had to offer Where every time I tried to grow The edges of me would evaporate So I was once again Spread thin Coming down in acid rain Spreading the scum filled water So that others would see The festering pit of anger and rage That I had become

I used to think The love I had to offer Was never meant for me I was merely a resting stop For those on a journey To eat and drink and recharge at I was meant to give and give and give But never take So that I could fix what was broken In the weary travelers passing by So they could move forward And grow in their lives And I would sit at the rest stop Watching from a distance as they grew Feeling the ache of loneliness As I waited for the next person To take their journey

Good morning Of course I want to pet your belly Do you think I’ll ever be good enough? I wish I could see myself Through your eyes How are you so beautiful? Do you think I’ll ever be pretty? Do you ever feel the need, To fake being ok? Of course I’ll take your toy And play. Tug of war is easier When it’s only with a toy. I know your a dog But do you ever play tug of war With your own thoughts? You never worry about food Or what weight you are gaining, I love when you wag your tail. Sometimes I worry I will never be good enough. How are you so perfect? Do you want a hug? Maybe if I fake it, Fake being ok, One day I’ll mean it. Do you have to go potty? Of course I’ll go outside with you. I hope nobody sees me, I’ve gained more weight. Do you want to get your ball, And play fetch? Sometimes I think failing Is all I will be good at. Do you wanna go to bed? Are you tired like me? What’s it like to fall asleep - Without any worries?

Maybe – Maybe I feel alone In a crowded room Where I am nothing – But included I know that I – Am not beautiful Or stunning – Nothing above pretty Yet I never go unnoticed And I don’t understand why And maybe in this crowded room I feel lonely – Because I know I don’t fit in Everyone has a better friend Than I could ever be Someone to share Their oldest memories And that is someone I could never be And I know I feel like a burden Wanting to run outside Into the waiting night To never be seen again Because sometimes The warm embrace of the – Cold empty night Is the only thing That can make me feel alright And maybe that’s a problem Wanting to run so far That no one can see me anymore – And maybe Maybe I do stare at the crowds With a yearning deep inside A yearning That’s desperately wants to be – Included But that would include Swallowing my pride Straightening my spine And walking over – Because I know I would be welcomed Arms open And embraced But I don’t think I’m ready yet I still need my space – I still need to know That I can flee Into the darkest part Of my own mind So I can be – Alright

Maybe – Maybe I do know That this drives people away At the end of the day And maybe I know That – Maybe I know That my own worst enemy Is me But just because I know Doesn’t mean I can stop The feeling of being an outcast The feeling of being a burden And the feeling of being Completely unwanted No matter what I do or say Because maybe – That is mostly what I knew When I was growing When I was learning When I was hoping Maybe I was bred to be The ugly duckling Of an extended family – An extended family Who spewed words of hate – And loathing Words That in the end Made me feel broken The broken empty shell Of someone I never wanted to be And maybe at the end of the day That’s all I’ll ever achieve Maybe – That’s the war I’ll wage Until my dying breath Escapes from my body Like a refugee from war Coming home

It’s happening It’s finally here They say I have nothing to fear And yet my legs tremble My tears burn my eyes And I am still struggling

He told me I was pretty And sweet Told me I was unique I believed him I needed him And then he pinned me to a wall

I know I said no Know I protested Yet I’m still being questioned While he sits there Waiting for the verdict And still thinking he did nothing wrong

The jury came back Their eyes on me Expressions of sorrow and grief They thought he was guilty But it doesn’t fix me Why did I think it would fix me?

He’ll go to jail I’ll still be in hell Hearing him whisper not to tell His breath hot on my neck While I try to forget - What happened

It’s happening It’s finally here They say I have nothing to fear And yet my legs tremble My tears burn my eyes And I am still struggling

He told me I was pretty And sweet Told me I was unique I believed him I needed him And then he pinned me to a wall

I know I said no Know I protested Yet I’m still being questioned While he sits there Waiting for the verdict And still thinking he did nothing wrong

The jury came back Their eyes on me Expressions of sorrow and grief They thought he was guilty But it doesn’t fix me Why did I think it would fix me?

He’ll go to jail I’ll still be in hell Hearing him whisper not to tell His breath hot on my neck While I try to forget - What happened

On days like these I wish I believed In Heaven Wished I believed In the great beyond And that something wonderful Waits for us Because with the chill in the air And the leaves falling I think of you

It’s been almost a decade, Since I got the news Easter Sunday Was essentially ruined I called you frantically Again, and again Only to be met with your voicemail I reached out To friends of friends Choking on s obs And waiting to hear What I already knew what true Even if I wish it wasn’t

You were the smartest The brightest The wisest The one I looked up too The one I loved And oh, how I loved you Your smart brown eyes And hugs That could turn around the darkest day You weren’t my brother by blood But by heart

Your funeral was one of the hardest days I knew it would be then And I know it is now Walking into that funeral home Clutching myself, knowing That there would never be another hug Another smile Or asking your advice And knowing That the last thing you saw Was a gun barrel When you took your own life

And oh, how I wish, A decade later That I hadn’t hung the moon on you Wished I hadn’t asked for as much Needed as much From you Because I can never shake the feeling The emotions that leave me reeling That I was part of the cause Of you finding that solution

And I don’t have much left of you Though I loved you so much Time and distance took their toll So, I am left reading old messages And looking through other people’s photos Wondering, What you would have been What you could have been And those thoughts hurt even more Because I didn’t recognize the signs Didn’t know what to look for Until it was over and done And so painfully obvious There were things I could have done

And on days like these When it is almost your birthday I wish I could believe in a Heaven Wish I could believe that I could still talk to you Still tell you How much you’re in my head To tell you how much I love you And have faith that in someway You would hear me – And if you heard me, the brush of the wind Stirring my hair Could be a response That you love me too And that it wasn’t my fault And maybe for today - Just for today I can believe in Heaven

She has four legs And a tail And everyday She makes me smile Her deep brown eyes And raised brows Perky ears And smile

She brings me her toy Squeaking it loudly Again and again To try and entice me Oh how I love her This mischievous creature

My favorite part of the day Is just she and I With her head on my chest And her sweetly closed eyes And somehow chocolate And hearts And cards Will never compare To the way my heart swells For this sweet little dog of mine

Now there are no letter grades And I am not ok How am I supposed to tell If I am worth anything

When I brought home an A My mom was happy I got a reward from my teacher And didn’t have to study so hard I was worthwhile And I was wanted

Now as an adult I cannot bring home an A on a report card I can’t tell when someone else Thinks that I hold value I can barely breathe or think Without a guide on how too

I am craving the validation That a graded test could bring me In a world of Instagram likes And Facebook posts How am I supposed to know

I know that I contain Nothing special In my day to day And without the validation of that A How can I know that I am worthy Of love and kindness

So now I seek The same feeling Of a graded paper While I sit and reminisce Of when I had value

It’s sunshine And flowers And rain The sound of it against a window On a dreary, dismal day

It’s growing pains And unkempt hair And clothes Tossed on the ground Or anywhere except the hamper

It’s anger And arguments And tears Some so happy they won’t be contained And some of anger and pain

It’s their shirt And the smell of it And the feel of it As you nestle your head on their shoulder Happy to move in closer

It’s them And their flaws And perfections The way that they crept in and stayed In your heart

The mist curled around my ankles, sending a shiver up my spine from the damp in the air. This was the best part of the day, walking the path to the river while the sun rose into the sky. Father would be waiting for me on the boat, waiting for his breakfast and his forgotten coat, ready to tell me about the nights catch. As I walked I could practically smell him, the scent of his tobacco filled pipe, and the fish on his sweater. One step after the other, breakfast and a sweater, I inched closer, the docks coming into view and the boats treaded water. The sounds of the men shouting back and forth, loading supplies and unload on the catch of the night. I could taste the fish on my tongue and my mouth watered, excited for dinner.
Then, there he was. His forest green cap covering silver hair, his back bent as his hands gripped and pulled a rope. I was surprised to see that the net was still full, weighed down with their catch.
And then it tumbled forward, onto the dock. Fish cascades all around but it didn’t draw my eye. What drew my air was white hair, longer than my arm, covering a body that was half human, and half something else.