She wakes up late with a heavy heart and soul. The nausea crept up her throat from the pit of her stomach; the realisation of yesterday was real.

24 hours before

She was nervous but she had to ask, she needed to know. She messaged the girl she has fallen in love with “Hey love I have a question for you. I have been wanting to ask for a little while but honestly I haven’t been brave enough to ask. I don’t know if brave is the right word lol I understand where you are from what you have told me with somethings, but can we talk about one part. No matter the answer it’s okay there is no right or wrong. No matter what I still want to be in your life if you let me. My question and what I want to talk about is where do we stand right now? Do you still feel the same way or have things changed? All I know is that I care about you a lot and I’m willing to wait as long as it takes. Though I’m also in need of knowing your side of this too. I’m not saying I need you to say I’m yours and let’s be in a relationship right now. I just would like to know if you still feel the same as you did near the beginning I know I do and look I understand if you don’t I really do these things happen. It’s life. It sucks but it’s life. I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’ll be here because you’re worth it. I would like to talk to you about this if you can. We don’t need a phone call if you don’t want but I would like to be able to text at the same time if that makes sense?”

This was the worst day ever, every two seconds she was checking her phone. Until that night it was on her night stand and it dinged. She bounced over her bed and grabbed her phone so fast she almost feel over.

“I do understand and you have my undivided attention. Give me a second to answer your questions.”

Her heart dropped and she waits.

“I do like you, a lot. I admit that my feelings have taken a backseat though. Not that they are gone, but I did have to pump my breaks considering our situation. I did try to keep faith that maybe the long distance wouldn’t be hard. But I found the more I let myself be vulnerable and open, the harder it was. I definitely felt I kept more of a dream state when we began talking. But my reality kicked back in, and that is just that I have a lot I need to work through emotionally before I can fully give myself to someone again. And while dreams and talk of a future felt amazing, I’d wake the next day to my reality, my job, my commitments here, and it got harder to imagine leaving it. I don’t like that, because I wish it was easier. Reality is a Bitch compared to my heart and what I feel. And at the same time you have so much going on at any given moment, and I don’t know how to tell you these things. I want you to be good with yourself too, to be safe and comfortable. So I do feel the same, and still adore you. It’s just changed in the terms of I had to stop say dreaming of the day, and just go day to day in the life that’s in front of me, and face my demons that live here. So I will say, that I’m just not in a place to give myself to anyone. I thought maybe I was, hoped, but I don’t want you holding out and waiting on me, because I can’t say what will happen”

The friendship is wanted but her heart shatters.

My girlfriend was called into work about an hour ago and twenty minutes ago a friend text me saying she had some news about my girlfriend and that it’s bad. Now I’m pacing back forth my living room. Fingers running through my hair as my anxiety grows.

knock knock

“ABOUT TIME NEXT TIME YOU TEXT ME THAT TYPE OF MESSAGE BE OUTSIDE MY HOUSE” I throw my hands in the air as I talk and walk to go open the door “twenty damn minutes what’s going on? Is she okay?” I ask as I lead her to the couch.

“I’m sure she’s fine. She’s been lying to you!” She says matter of fact and sits down. My stomach twists and I feel like I’m going to be sick “how do you know? We tell each other everything. We have been open since day one.” I stand up getting agitated and upset “you don’t get to come in here throwing accusations.”

“She’s married and still goes to see her still to family events there are photos. She’s not who she says she is Raven! You’re getting played again and you’re not even seeing it. I’m trying to protect you!” She fights back. I get even more mad and cross my arms

“She’s getting divorced and yeah I know did you look properly in any of those photos? I actually went to the last event. They were married for a long time and they became her family too. We didn’t stay long. She didn’t really want to go but she wanted to at the same time. I said she could go and then she asked me to go with her so she wasn’t alone. You’re right, she’s not who she says she is because she’s better she doesn’t see who she is. She sees the bad but she’s not. She’s everything plus more she’s the sun! She is the light that helps this world survive. Not like you and I. She is what this world needs. Her heart and soul are so big and pure it’s beyond my understanding how someone who has gone through and seen so much horrible things in her life and in this world and still be the sun. I shouldn’t have to be doing this if you took the time to even get to know her. I think you should leave.” I point to the door

She gets up and doesn’t say anything as she walks to the door. I open it and let her out and before I shut it I say “she is the sun!” And close it.

“Baaaaabbyyyy” I whine playfully “please tell me where we are going? I don’t remember a road trip being on the agenda on your first visit here. Well one that I didn’t plan.” I giggle softly “babe just stop this is a surprise. I get to surprise my girl too. Just because I came here doesn’t mean I don’t get to spoil you.” She says in return and takes my hand bringing it to her mouth and kisses it softly.

My heart skipped a beat and exploded with this warmth that I felt fill my body. God I loved you so much. I can’t wait to kiss you whenever I want. I’m surprised I haven’t done it yet. But I was respectful and honestly to scared to make the first move because what if you don’t want to? We haven’t made it offical yet. Even if you have been calling me your girl for months we still haven’t mad it offical. You said you wanted to wait until we were face to face and you only got in last night. I’m still surprised you were up so early considering.

“Okay so may I ask what the blind fold is for?” I ask with a smirk “you planning on getting kinky?” I ask teasingly. You roll your eyes and laugh. My god that laugh. It’s one of my favourite sounds. You just shake your head at me and dismiss my question but answer the first “you’ll be putting it on when we get close to the destination”

It’s been about half an hour of us just being together singing and just being together! I don’t care if we don’t talk or where we are as long as we were together. I have craved your presence since we started talking. You indicate for me to put the blindfold on and I do. We drive another twenty minutes more.

She pulls the car up “okay babe just wait here” she says as she gets out. She comes to my door, opens it and helps me out. We walk a while, it’s chilly and the ground feels weird “baby where are we?” I ask sweetly, she giggles and says “shh baby you’ll see soon enough” you were so damn adorable.

We stop and she finally pulls the blindfold off. I rub my eyes to adjust to the light again and once they do I was shocked. I look at her and back at the ground then back at her “baby are you serious?” I wanted to kiss you “the snow. You hate the cold. Gosh I could kiss you right now you’re so damn sweet. How did I get so lucky?” She didn’t say anything, just leans on and kisses me.

I was stunned at first but then I kiss her back. I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer. My first real kiss. It filled my heart, there was so much put in the kiss that I could feel without you saying anything. You break the kiss and lean your forehead on mine. “Be mine? Please?” I ask softly nor wanting to ruin the moment. She giggles again, god that gets me every time “yes baby only if you be mine!” I chuckle this time “of course I’m yours. Always have always will be.” I close the gap and kiss you again.

It’s a cool morning and I haven’t slept well at all. Without opening my eyes I roll to you but I’m met with a thud I groan “ouch” I pout I look around how did I fall off of the bed? I ask myself. I get up and I look around I see a blue post-it note on your bedside table. “Good morning my love don’t be mad, I didn’t want to wake you but I was called into work early. I love you you x” I smile at the note before pouting. That’s why I fell I already went searching for you in my sleep and I was on your side of the bed, so when I rolled to look for you there was no bed left.

I kiss the note and go downstairs to make some coffee and breakfast so I can take it to you on my way to work. Once I’m there I get cooking on a breakfast burritos with steak, egg, bacon and avocado with some herbs and spices, oh and definitely some cheese. I wrap it up with a homemade tortilla and put it in a container. I go get dressed and ready for work myself and make sure I have time to eat with you at work. I get coffee in To go cup for me and in a canister for you so it stays hot.

I know I’m in mood, so I search our playlist and just play our songs. It helps but seeing you will help more. Just a good morning kiss and a ‘hey baby’. I pull up at your work place and grab everything, a big smile on my face feeling better already knowing I get to see you.

I walk up and enter the front door and I’m greeted by one of your co workers “heyyyy there. I was expecting you and so was your wife. She told me to tell you she’s sorry and that she left a note on her desk for you. She’s out on a call sweetie. Though she was looking forward to breakfast with you this morning. She was disappointed to go out but don’t tell her I told you that.” I slump but force a giggle “thanks Gladys” I say sweetly and go into your office.

As I place your breakfast and coffee down on your desk I see your blue post-it note. “Hey baby I wish I was here when you got here but obviously I’m not. I’ll come see you at lunch if I can. Thank you for the food and coffee. You spoil me. I love you.” I smile and shake my head you always make my heart explode with warm love. I grab a blue post it note and write “gosh I love you and I love your notes. Thank you for always making me smile and showing me your love xxx”

I walk out and drive to work. Two people cut me off and just irresponsible driving. It didn’t help my mood and I won’t ever deny I have rod rage because that, that I get from my beautiful grandmother. That lady wow wow wow she has two modes behind the wheel, calm and happy to HULK SMASH. Anyways that put me back in my bad mood.

I get to work and slam my bag down “woah there someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed” said my co worker. I roll my eyes “you’re not kidding. I literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And I also fell out of it!” I huff “but gosh who gives out divers licenses in this town? Because I swear everyone got theirs out of cereal box. Idiots everywhere it’s messed up. No one knows how to use an indicator or a roundabout.” I throw myself down in the chair “damn girl take a chill pill but you right! But as for work it’s just us today we only have 5 kids so it looks like we can build that new equipment that turned up today. I nod my head “sounds good to me!” I say with a smile as I think of coming home to you tonight.

Dear Diary,

I made a friend today, we met online. She’s all the way from America. She’s quite funny and I don’t know how but she is one of the most sweetest people I have ever met. She is so kind, The definition of kill them with kindness! Not only that she can have a conversation like a real conversation where I don’t have to break my back trying to talk.

From Raven 13th of Feb 2021

Dear Diary,

Holy shi*, I have gone and caught myself some feelings. SHE IS AMAZING! And I know the last person I had feelings for she was amazing too but she didn’t do what..let’s call her Wonder Woman but WW for short. WW makes me feel just I can’t even find the right words. She is lighting up my world. She is making things clear as to why no one else worked out.

From Raven, 20th of Feb 2021

Dear Diary,

Oh my heart, it’s my birthday today and this woman has honestly swept me off of my feet. My birthday has always sucked and I never liked it. This being one of the worst because I had been feeling down and just over whelmed with thinking of my birthday. I actually feared she may leave me on my birthday two so I thought I wouldn’t say anything. Though I slipped up somewhere and she seen it on Snapchat. But a day of dread turned into a day of light, love and I really did felt special. She makes me feel special everyday but the things she said. I just I hope things work out.

From Raven 23rd of Feb 2021

Dear Diary,

She told me I make her feel so much. That she feels love that this is what she wants. But she’s not going to tell me those three words because she wants to do this right. So she asked me if she can come here to visit. She doesn’t want to ask me to be hers yet until we are in person and have the same feelings in person. I do fear she may not like me in person but the way she makes me feel puts that fear in a box to be forgotten.

From Raven 6th of March 2021

Dear Diary,

I’m in love. It’s been just over a month and I’m in love. I honestly have no clue how to explain it but today I knew. She stole my heart and is keeping it safe. WW is definitely who I want to spend my future with. I want a future with her. I want to grow a family with her. She feels the same way. She shows it in the way she talks to me and treats me. It’s on her actions. I told her about my past assaults and her reply. That’s it. She’s my person she’s the one!

From Raven 20th of March 2021

Dear Diary,

My girl is having a few off days I just wish I could be there physically. I want to be there to hold her, help her around the house. She deserves the world and I want to give it to her. I hate COVID. I hate being miles apart. I hate not being able to do anything for her. She’s not a talker in these times she needs the physical side of it and I’m not there. Why is it so hard. She’s worth everything I don’t doubt that. I just wish I was there for her.

From Raven, 2nd of April 2021

Dear Diary,

How does this woman continue to make me fall in Love more and more each day? How does she make me love more than I ever I though I could? Can you have a heart attack from loving to much? How did I get so damn lucky? I still have my moments where the dark thoughts take over and they tell me she’s going to leave me like everyone else, that she doesn’t feel the same as me. I still have those and without her knowing she quiets them down and makes them go away. I don’t even tell her that they exist. She really is the one I wanna grow old with.

From Raven 16th of April 2021

Dear Diary, I love this woman and I can’t wait until we finally book that first flight. When it’s safe and her mama is better. To be continued

From Raven 19th of April 2021

You get home early from work I was excited because tonight is date night and I get more time with you. More time meant extra activities and by extra activities I mean a relaxing hot bubble bath and face masks.

But first things first “hey baby” I come up and kiss you deeply “how was work?” I ask as I kneel down and untie your shoes before you kick them off. You tell me about your day and we make our way to the living room “I’m sorry it was a long day but I have the perfect date night for you tonight.” I say sweetly with a big smile. “Your favourite dinner, drinks, we have music and candles for eating and then we will watch tv in bed and snuggle until we fall asleep. But before all of that I’m going to run a nice hot bubble bath and we are going to do some masks. You’ll get a nice foot rub and yes I know I know date night is for both of us not just you. And I know I do this a lot so just think of it as a bonus tonight” I say with a playful smirk.

You loved to spoil me and take care of me just as much as I do you. I could believe how lucky I was to have found someone like you. Someone who truly loves me and cares for me. I’m extremely lucky. I race upstairs to the bathroom I light a few candles and start the bath. I go looking for the masks and realise we don’t have that or bath bombs and bubble bath. I shake my head and turn the water off and blow the candles out. Little did I know As I turn race downstairs a candle lit back up.

I see you falling asleep on the couch and smile adoringly. I walk over and kiss your forehead “I’m racing to the store my love I’ll be back soon. Just rest right here.” You smile and Hum in agreement. I giggle and I leave. Half way I realise left my phone at home.

I see the perfect yellow roses and I simply pulled over and I got them for you. I continue to the grocery store and grab the few items we needed. I then make a quick trip to your favourite baker and get your brownies. All this has taken 20 minutes.

Once I get home I see it lit up like a Christmas tree and smoke everywhere. I couldn’t see you you anywhere. I get out of my car fast and I race into the house. I scream your name over and over as I choke on the smoke and head for the couch. You weren’t there. I race around and I can’t find you anywhere. Tears are falling as I continue to scream your name. You still don’t answer.

I feel arms around me and lift me. We move so fast it’s like I’m flying “LET ME GO” I scream as I realise it’s our Superhero. I shake myself out of her grasp and try running back in but I’m stopped “LET ME GO MY GIRLFRIEND IS IN THERE I NEED TO FIND HER” she cup my face and makes me look at her “Stop it. She’s safe.” I shake my head “than where is she?” I ask weirdly starting to feel comfort from her. Then it hits me again “NO I need to find her.” I try and push past but she pulls me in a tight embrace and kissed my head like stil do “I’m safe baby girl. I’m safe it’s okay I’m here.” You whisper in my ear. I froze. It’s you. I hold you tighter and cry out of relief “I’m so sorry baby I’m sorry.” I cry into your neck. “It’s okay we are safe now please let me save the last of the house.” I nod and step back watching you be the hero I knew you to be. You were always my hero this just proves you are my hero just now the world sees it too.

“You can kill me if you want but at least hear me out on why you shouldn’t” I say nervously “look it’s up to you. I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t have kids, I don’t have a family not yet but I have this girl I’m head over heals for but that’s not what you want to hear. You have anger and numbness. You were made this way by your father. I understand I would kill too. You were taught to kill but killing me isn’t going to mean anything what so ever. Your last victims all have a part in who you are and what happened to you. I’m not. I just so happened to be in the wrong spot at the wrong time. I’m not going to threaten you but my girlfriend she’s a detective. You kill me you won’t get a chance to get away. You won’t get a chance to finish your quest. Killing me is the wrong move in your plan. I wasn’t planned I’m not planned. My girlfriend will have you for breakfast lunch and dinner but if you let me leave now I won’t say anything until I get home which is in two hours. So you’ll have two hours to move away from this area and plan your next step accordingly.” He circles around me with his blood stains clothes and knife. He makes sure I can see it the whole time. I never once take my eyes off of him “killing me kills you. Do you really want to die with unfinished business?” He screams and stalks towards me and I stumble backwards. He grabs a hand full of my hair and pulls my head backwards as he guides the knife along my cheek. He cuts it and growls “leave now before I change my mind. Before my urge of penetrating your body with this blade over and over wins.” He let’s me go and I run. Once I’m out the door I run out and down the street into my girlfriends arms. The whole team of about 50 officers go crashing into the house “I told you he’d be here.” I say as I hold her tightly “I knew you would find me.” She holds me tighter “I told you not to do it. I told you to leave it be we had it handled. I love you so much don’t ever pull this stunt again!” She kisses my the side of my head “Yu may not have found him if I wasn’t in danger. But I promise never again.” I kiss her neck “let’s go get your face cleaned up and go home.!”