“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.” I say in a very serious way. I watch as Aimee continues to paint her nails with such focus and patients. she dips the brush back into the bottle, still not looking at me.

“What is it Kara? Is this about that rash?” She lightly begins to blow on her pink nails. I sigh. “God no! and that went away thank you.” “Well get out.” Aimee shoos me towards the door. “can you just look at me for two seconds. I need to talk to you.”
“Can’t you see I’m doing something. talk to mom.” I throw the purple teddy bear sitting on her floor, hitting Aimee right in the head.

“Fuck okay. Okay. You have my attention.” “Promise you won’t laugh.”

“Kara.” “Aimee.” “Fine I promise.” I pull my hair back revealing my truth. “HOLY SHIT. What did you do!” Aimee reaches out and touches the big bruise on my forehead. her touch feels hard and it makes my face suddenly begins to burn. “Okay how the hell did you do this.”

“I was trying to talk to Andre about homecoming, and as I was trying to get his attention I face planted in front of our entire gym class and a rubber ball hit me in my face. “

Aimee holds her breathe and exhales really quickly. “I can see the lines…from the ball. Jesus.”

She begins to laugh.

“ITS NOT FUNNY! Andre saw it.” “Fuck I’m sorry.” “I couldn’t see, Halle had to walk me to the nurse it was so terrible. Everybody was laughing.”

Aimee pulls me in for hug, and squeezes me tight. silent tears roll down my cheeks, my face begins to sting even more.

I sniffle. “I need help covering this. it just looks even more stupid.”

Aimee takes a towel off her bed and dabs my face. The foundation comes off and she chuckles again.

“Sorry I’m trying it’s just this foundation does not work for this type of thing.”

she takes me into the bathroom and puts a cold rag on my face.

“I will make sure it’s covered, did you even get to ask him to homecoming?”

“No i was too embarrassed. How can I recover from that.”

“Two days from now, he should forget about it.”

“Ugh great.”

“Just hold still.”

endless patterns, four choices, 15 different ways to fuck up.

the seat is cold I hear the constant tapping of Lead pencils from my peers. Papers turning like crashing waves; the clock ticking, my heart begins to Match the rhythm; slow and steady, the palms of my hands creating small pools of sweat. slippery skin unable to grasp what is asked of me. I begin to slip deep into my mind,

The room is full of anxious souls, stiff and eager. My brain feels cloudy of images of the days prior, unable to unravel exam information from the hatred that stirs in my body. The images of her fill my head with something dark. As I look at the test the words have formed another fated question

Do you let her overdose? A. Yes B. No

“Penelope wait!”

“WHAT!” I shout “Just listen to me please.” My pace is still fast and steady, I can see my sticker filled bumper just a few feet away. I dig into my bag without looking and click my car keys. My car responds and I start to do a jog. “Penelope STOP.”
“FUCK OFF VANESSA” I can hear her footsteps getting close to mine, soon she grabs my wrist. “Let go of me” “Just fucking listen to me!” Annoyed I stop and face her, Vanessa’s pale skin is a rosy red. Her brown hair is frizzy and her eyes are locked on me. I pull my wrist away and shove them in my sweatpants. “Speak Vanessa.” “I know you got my text.” My heart sinks and I begin to bite the inside of my cheek. The pounding in my chest starts to get louder. It almost feels like I can’t breathe. “I am not going to let you talk about her like that. How dare you accuse her or even try to prove you know her better than me.” “She’s not who she says she is!” Her tone is sharp. I laugh. Oh yeah? Tell me then. Who she is. Who is the real Olivia Blake.” “She’s not the best friend you think she is.” I roll my eyes and scoff. “Vanessa please. You’ve been apart of our group for what? 2 years? and you think you can tell me you know her better than me? That’s my best friend since middle school. Get out of my way” I shove past her and open my car door, Vanessa slams it shut. “She’s a liar and she’s not your best friend. “She’s sleeping with your girlfriend and I can prove it” her words come out fast and stab me in the chest. “she’s what?” “I’m sorry. Liv is sleeping with Emma, and they have been for a while.” My eyes begin to sting and I’m choking on my sobs. “I Have to go.” I open the car door, slam it shut, start my car and speed off. I can hear Vanessa voice fading away over the music. My heart is racing and the tears stream down my face. the lines on the road begin to blur and I can no longer see. I hit my signal and pull over, I need to numb this pain the best way I know how. I pull out the tinfoil in my glove Compartment, grab my straw and go to town. I watch as the white powder turns to black and fill my lungs with something ungodly. the images of liv and Emma soon fade and I feel nothing but tingles running through my veins. I’m floating and I can continue the drive home. the music is loud and soon my saddness morphs into something else. I drive pass my house and pull into liv’s driveway. the car barely stops before I storm to the front door. with Molly in my lungs I feel confident and brave in this choice. my fist pounds on her door giving less of a fuck if her uptight mother is home. Her dog scratches at the door and then it opens. “Hey pen! uh liv didn’t say you were coming over. but uh she’s upstairs.” “Thanks Ben” I give a jittery grin and brush by him. I head upstairs and open the door. Liv is on her bed typing away on her laptop, books spread everywhere. She barely breaks contact with her screen to look at me. unable to control myself I slam the laptop shut. “Bitch what the fuck. I didn’t save that, it’s due in an hour.” “Maybe you can screw someone to get it done.” “Excuse me?” “I mean you’ve done it before. maybe Callie will do it for you.” “Penelope what is your issue.” “you’re my fucking issue. You heartless fucking bitch.” Liv face twitches. “heartless? what could I have done to you to be heartless?” “you can never let anything just be fucking mine. I’ve shared everything since 3rd grade & now you go a fuck my girlfriend.”

“Maybe you should lay off the dope pen. It’s starting to make you paranoid.” I slam her bedroom door shut. How dare she bring my shadow into this. “Don’t even fucking go there liv. You know what you did. Tell me you fucked her.”

liv snickers. “Look She was crying over you and drugs so I..”

“Ate her out to feel better? Fuck you liv”

“1….2….3….4…5” I count quietly in my head tapping the table while i study for Mr.Green’s history exam. as I read over my notes, the intrusive number counting remains and my fingers move rhythmically. “Penelope don’t slouch at the table, people will think you don’t care about yourself.” I’m snapped out of my bubble and see my sister has joined me at the table. Her brown hair is curled, make up done exactly how mother likes it, and our school uniform is pressed perfectly. She rolls her eyes and eats the yogurt and bananas our mother has set out for her. “2….4…6…8…good morning …Penelope Tate” I say out-loud hoping to change her mood. She giggles.

“Good morning Jonathan.” She gives me a warm smile and begins texting on her phone.

“John, remember what your teacher said? you count in your head, not in conversation”

“10…12…14…17…sorry mom. I’m trying” I bite my bagel and focus back on the words on the page.

“Why do you do that?” Penelope says under her breathe.

“Do what?”

“Make him feel less than. he’s just expressing himself.”

“Less than, Mathematical symbol to show inequality between values.” I shout out unable to control myself.

“That’s right.” Penelope says smiling but for some reason I see tears. I don’t understand but I smile back.

“He’s not suppose to do that at the table, that’s why we are paying her.”

Penny rolls her eyes and sighs. “you are so quick to try to everyone with money. Did you ever think it’s his way of talking.”

“3…9…15….17…21, uh oh” mommy’s face frowns and starts to get red. Penelope gets up and throws her food away.

“Everybody stares Penelope, and this town is so small. He’s 8, and can hardly function without…”

“I am 8….strong and great” I shout out loud.

Penelope gets up and kisses my head. she takes my headphones out of my bag and hands them to me.

“John go into the living room and wait for dad to come pick you up.” I nod and slide my head phones on, no more sad numbers.

I tap on my tablet and count soundly to myself.

“1….2….3…4….5….” The pictures on the screen explode as I match to the right pictures. soon I can feel footsteps vibrating the floor. I take my head phones off and watch as my sister shoves her school stuff in her bag.

“You know what mom. Everybody judges in this town but no one seems to fucking listen.” She throws on her coat grabs her car keys and slams the door shut.

“Penny!” My mom shouts.

Mommy comes into the room and her face looks broken like a puzzle. she wipes a tear and reaches for my hand.

“Come on, Jonathan daddy will be here soon.”

More sad numbers. “21…25…..39…51….” I say to myself softly.

Mom takes me into the bathroom and fixes my hair. Happy & sad numbers float inside my brain. I don’t really know how to feel right now.

“I’m sorry you heard some of that.”

“….9..11..5..heard what?” I say out loud.

mom shakes her head and says nothing. A loud horn goes off it must be daddy.

“Okay daddy is here, I pick you up at 3 today. You stay at daddy’s hotel tomorrow.

“Mommy…3…. Daddy 1….2..4…hotel!!” I scream.

We head downstairs and mom opens the Door, there daddy waits in the car. I put my bag in the backseat and sit in my chair. mommy buckles me in kisses my cheek and hands me my tablet. My headphones go on and it’s quiet again. “Hey kiddo ready for school.”

“22…22…22!!!!!” I scream happily.

Mom sighs.

“Don’t start, he’s trying to say school.” Dad says cold. 11.

Mommy smiles but she’s talking without her lips moving. “He said 22.”

“We’ll just listen to the clues and you’ll figure it out.”

The car starts and daddy starts to drive.”

“…1..3…5.. come home”. I say taking my headphones off. My ears are hot and sweaty.

“I know John, daddy wants to come home too. but tomorrow you me and penny will have a good day okay.”

“2…4…6….8…”

“I know it will be fun.” Dad smiles at me and we drive off to 22.

It’s been almost six months since that horrific evening. Jason stands at the edge of the cliff taking in the sunset. the sky is painted A warm red as the sun lightly shines rays against the water. the breeze slowly begins to pick up, Jason’s eyes are locked on the spot where he last saw her. “Jason please.” Her voice echos through his ears almost as if she’s still here. Jason takes a deep breathe and smiles. “Lovely view huh?” a voice says from behind him.

“ oh. Yeah great place to come too. my girlfriend and I use to come here often.”

“And where is she now? “ says the man.

“She died. Tragic accident. Drunk driver” Jason clenches his jaw and spits.

“I am sorry to here about that. I’m sure you didn’t hear about the accident that took place here.”

“No tell me about it.” Jason heart races but his face is cold.

“Poor girl. 25? Or 26? Fell off the edge. Some say she was pushed… on account of her fingers being broken. Seemed like someone was angry.”

Jason kicks a few rocks and watches them tumble down. “Person must’ve been angry, sad that happened to her”

“Yeah well, us hikers thought this spot would be closed off forever. But once they ruled it an accident, we can come back. Just put those signs up to not get too close”

Jason chuckles. “Safety first”

“Exactly. Well I’m Tom. It was nice to meet you”

“Jason. nice to meet you as well. Enjoy the view I better get going”

Jason begins to head down the mountain, and back to his car. on the way down, he can’t help but think of Allison. hearing her body hit every rock on the way down, the way her fingers snapped underneath his feet. As he reaches his car, his phone rings.

“Hey mrs. King. I just finished my hike, I just felt like I needed to be closer to her”

Mrs king sniffles. “ hi Jason, I know Allison would’ve loved to be on your hike with you. She always talked about your night walks together. “

“Did you need something?” Jason says starting up his car.

“I was calling to let you know they are reopening her case.”

“What? I thought it was ruled an accident. I thought it was a cold case”

“Well me and her father just didnt agree with the corners ruling. We just don’t think she’d commit suicide.”

Jason shakes his head puts the car back in park.

“That weekend Jason if you can remember, you said you weren’t with her on her morning hike”

“No I wasn’t. I was sleeping we had been on the boat all day. Allison really wanted to see the sunset so she went without me. when I woke up that’s when I found the note.”

Mrs. King gets quiet.

“You know mrs king, I never thought it would actually happen. I never thought she-“ Jason forces tears to his eyes. Hoping her mother will take the bait.

“I know Jason. She was just so full of life ya know? I was wondering if you’d come with us to review her autopsy? And go to the station? The cops just want to go over your statement.”

Jason throws the car in drive and slams on the gas. “Yeah sure thing mrs king. Can we meet tomorrow? I have some things to handle to day.”

“Sure no problem. Before I let you go the cops are going to look back at Allison’s old apartment to see if they can find anything”

Jason grits his teeth. “Great. Look mrs. King I have to go. thank you so much for calling. Talk to you tomorrow” he hangs up the phone.

his fingers tap on the steering wheel, he can feel the sweat under his arms. Quickly he types in an address.

“Directions to babes house. 2 hours and 10 minutes” the gps speaks loudly. Jason pulls out of the lot and heads to her place. his eyes narrow on the road as his head begins to flood with images. Him and her, her diary entries, her death, all the years together. But most importantly… her diary.

My mother talks fondly about our black roots, She discusses the pain and what should’ve killed them. She talks about the inventions that we use everyday but take for granted. she emphasizes how we molded this country. I can hear the disgust in her voice as she talks about what the white people did to our people. stripped our kings and queens of their crowns, raped our women, and beat our children for entertainment. she tells us to never forget how beautiful our skin is. Be prideful but hide ourselves in fear of those trying to break us down.

I know that I am black, but when others look at me it’s as if they can smell the other side of my genes. my father speaks nothing of his Spanish nationality, leaving me confused. The thickness of my hair, big doe eyes and the give away of my last name. my last name leaves questions, my starvation for knowledge of my other half. I feel like a tee starting to break free from the soil. my roots are buried into the grown… while the other half is exposed to the air

I crave the warmth of his brown skin, I wish to trace his tattoos with my lips as place kisses all over him. I miss the gentle caress of his fingers as they travel deep inside of me. The focus in his eyes as he listens to each breath that pours out of me. I wish to feel his lips kissing down the nape of my spine as chills and heat of our bodies intertwine I am home and at peace. my mouth begins to water with anticipation as I stare at his girth. Waiting for his direction, I can feel him growing in between my fingers as I slowly wait to greet him with my tongue.

my tongue wags and slides telling him how much I missed him. I watch his eyes roll into his head taking him to another place of bliss. His breath is uneven as I take him further into me. I can feel his body tensing up, our hands locking together, soon we are silent and our bodies tell the story.

He whispers in my hear how good of a girl I’m being. His grasp gets tighter around my face my breath slipping from my throat. “Harder please” His woodsy cologne fills my nose and my eyes close shut. It’s just me and him. Skin to skin playfully feeling who’s going to win.

“The day you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived aren’t you excited?” My mother says with such excitement.

“I’m scared”

“Don’t sweetheart, you’ve going to do fine, no one else did as great as you” my father chimes in.

Today is the day I get to walk the stage and receive my diploma. A piece of paper that says I’m qualified to construct business and help those with addiction. But how do I do that when I’m addicted myself? today Molly has let me settled in but I can feel the shakes coming on. As I sit still my mother paints my face something glamorous.

“Oh honey you’re sweating is it too hot in here?” My mother quickly taps the thermostat on my wall, and dabs my forehead with a paper towel.

“No I’m just nervous” Great another fucking lie, but I can’t just say: “no mom I’m not hot, just need to hit my crack pipe for a second”. I soon feel a chill travel up my spine it’s almost about that time. She’s literally screaming at me from my desk drawer.

My mother finishes my face, pulls my hair into a high bun. it’s time to go and meet with the rest of the family.

“Okay penny it’s time to go, we have to be to campus in an hour.” My dad shouts down the hall.

“Be there in a second” I open my desk drawer and there she is. Smiling at me waiting to ice out the back of my throat and lungs. Quickly I load the bowl, and pull hard, my lungs are coated cold, and soon I feel tingly all over. Just to take the edge off. The room begins to freeze and I feel so lifted. I want to sit here all day with her but I can’t. I look at my dilated eyes, nothing I can do other open them a little wider. My legs feel like jello as I walk downstairs but I can’t make it noticeable. grandma and grandpa greet me with a warm hug and smile. Dad cleans out his car, and mom is fixing her appearance. Today is my day. But anyday that’s mine is hers. but im floating high and I can’t really care right now.

We all pile into the car, the 15 minute drive feels like forever, but I watch as the trees dance in the breeze. Wishing I could be apart of them too. We pull into the nearly packed parking lot and find a spot.

“Okay guys I’ll see you inside” I slide out the car before anyone can stop me and get a good look at my eyes. I see my friends Beth and Stacy waiting for me at the entrance.

“Penelope Hi” Stacy says. Both girls pull me in for a hug. “Looks like you stayed up all night” Beth says with a smile on her face. Great even with make up on I still look like a fucking drug addict. “Ha yeah, that exam Mr. Addams gave us was a pain in my ass” “Ugh tell us about it. But hey we never have to take another class of his again.”

We link arms and head inside the sea of students eagerly waiting to get ready to receive their get out of school card. We take the three seats that are empty towards the back. The endless chatter in the room is making my stomach do cartwheels. my leg begins to tap and I’m quickly being nudged by Molly to get in the bathroom. My high is coming down and my dress feels like I’m swimming in sweat.

“Hey save my seat I’ll be right back” The girls nod and I clutch my wristlet and go to the bathroom. Opening the door, a group of girls take over the mirror frantically fixing their caked make up. Clearly I won’t have any privacy while I do this. Fuck it. Into the stall I go. I slam the door, open my wristlet and pull out the travel tin foil. Peeking through the crack I watch as all the girls slowly leave. Thank god I’m alone, I flick the lighter and watch as the snow on the foil turns black. The cool feeling kisses my lips and down my throat. the room begins to feel dim and I am soon alone in my happy place. a few more hits and I’ll be loaded enough to get through the day.

The best day ever.

A confession sets the guilty conscience free, leaving the other feeling hopeless.

You are set free of your crimes while I learn how to deal with the consequences. shattered by the sentences you formed, the words spin on a broken record and replay a dark image within my head. My eyes cry real tears and become numb by words. I am numb to emotions, disconnected from those I try to let in. Scare I’ll be hurt again. the past follows me through the present waiting for the next moment to break my happiness.

Waiting for the moment to run another lover away

an apology follows to ease the pain of the story about you and her. Her skin and your skin pressed together, the warm moment you shared burns my skins and causes my brain to twist. Wounds are left on my heart that will form into scars. the wounds will bleed for what feels like forever. But the scar tissue will be the thing that last. Carefully stitching the broken seems of my broken heart

“Can I come out now?” Violet says excitedly from behind the curtain. Her mother and I wait patiently babysitting the champagne flute the receptionist gave us. “Yes Vi, we’re ready!” Her mother grabs my free hand and squeezes lightly. the cream color curtains fly open and there she stands in a white ball gown. Her hair falls effortlessly over the sweetheart shape corset. As she steps towards us the top begins to sparkle with blue sequins. “So what you think?” Violet swirls in the open room and Walt’s to the mirrors. “OH YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!” Violets mother shouts. Violet rolls her eyes and takes her a moment to really look at herself. “Mom you said that about the last 2 I tried on” “that’s because everything looks so good on you”

I take a moment to stare. “I think you look stunning violet.” I finish my glass and watch as she sways back and forth in her moment.

The sales lady fixes the bottom of the dress and sticks a shiny pin in place. “It is true darling you have a wonderful figure… don’t you think so uh…”

I snap out of my head and answer. “Destiny” “Oh the sister of the bride.” Violet giggles “no we like to think we’re sisters, but we’re actually best friends we grew up together” “Destiny was at my house after school everyday since Vee saw her on the playground.” “Oh how wonderful.” the sales lady smiles and continues with measurements. Violet goes on. “25 years can you believe it dest? we’ve been planning our weddings together since the 3rd grade. Here it is actually happening”

I smile. “I think this is the one”

“You think so! You think Phill will cry”

“He’s going to sob” violet and I giggle and for a moment it feels like the world is frozen.

“Mom I think we found it” “Oh lovely I’ll go to the front and handle payment”

Violet shuffles to the back to change and I’m left alone in a sea of bridal dresses. “Hey dest? Do you want to grab take out and watch a movie at your place?”

“sounds good, pizza or Chinese food”

The curtains open, violet is wearing black jeans that hug her body and a cute lace purple top. For some reason destiny stares.

“Chinese sounds good, I’ll meet you there, I’ll bring the champagne”

they hug and meet violets mother to say their goodbyes. destiny drives home and is alone with her thoughts. She starts thinking about the lace shirt Vi was wearing. the way her breast peeked out the top. Dani shakes the thought from her head and pulls into the restaurant.

“order for Dani.” The lady hands her the food and the ride home goes by fast. Dani gets inside throws her bag on the table and sets up the living room. the table is set with wine glasses, food, and magazines. She turns on the tv to some reality show and pops open the wine. soon there’s a knock on the door. “It’s open” Violet comes inside hands full of junk food snack. “Sorry I would’ve came in earlier but phill called and then the wedding planner. I’m just ready to get fucked up.”

They both giggle and plop down on the floor. they begin to drink. Gossiping like old times, comparing top ten hot celebrities, and eat their hearts out. Soon it gets dark and the room feels like it’s getting smaller.

“Oh shoot” Violet peeks her eye into the bottle. “Looks like we reached the end” destiny chimes in. “Feels like we were back in college and we finished that whole bottle of vodka” Destiny laughs, Violet giggles too. “Yeah and then we…” Violet stops giggling and looks down at her magazine. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have” “No it’s okay.. we had fun” “I remember how soft you tasted” destiny finishes the last of her glass. “DESTINY” “I’m sorry. But you started it” “Did not” “Did fucking too” Destiny brushes a brown curl out violets eyes, she can feel her skin getting goose bumps. The smell of mint and vodka spills off violets lips. destiny stares and drags her thumb against her Cupids bow. Violet doesn’t pull away, her cheeks begin to turn a rose color. Destiny pulls violet in and kisses her. she can feel violets tongue exploring her mouth their hands traveling. Violet breaks the moment and gets up.

destiny is out of breath but winces. “I love you vi”