AlfredDaButler
Just keepin it weezy
AlfredDaButler
Just keepin it weezy
Just keepin it weezy
Just keepin it weezy
“As the police circle around an armed robbery site, the criminals engaged in the crime begin to flee. The police quickly leap out of their vehicle’s and begin to rob the shop themselves. This shocking display found it’s way on to the news within minutes. With that knowledge, the county government is forced to fire those who took part in that heinous crime. Though they were fired, they continue to go into work and commit the crimes that they were hired to stop.
“After only a few weeks of this strange phenomenon, vigilantes begin to rise up against the former heroes of the city. When they manage to capture the former good guys, they realize that the police had been brainwashed by a mole from the inside. Fortunately, one of the vigilantes was a state congressman, which made it incredibly easy to get among the ranks.
“He had been searching through the ranks for weeks when he found the mayor of the county in the middle of one of his brainwashing sessions. He had been brainwashing them to do crimes so that he wouldn’t have to pay too many members of the force so that he could use the money for his own personal gain. He was promptly arrested, and forced to return the force to how they were before this incident occurred. It’s been two years since this horrific incident, and the city has seen major recovery since.
“I’m Brian Fantana, live lavishly, Santa Monica.”
Our whole universe Was in a hot dense state When nearly 14 billion years ago Expansion started, wait This isn’t the song I’m meant to sing But I’m contemplating life and everything The answer I know is 42 But I’ve been thinking that it might be you Because Amy Farrah Fowler Bernadette Rostenkowski Feels like everyone else is so happy I just want someone to hold Me when I’m feeling down I know I sound like a clown But i hope to be stuck with you Like the protons and the neutrons Not electrons on the outside Negatively charged Hating everything my whole life
Because when the earth cooled And the autotrophs drooled Neanderthal developed tools We built a wall Learning math science history Unraveling the mystery Of why I can’t tell you That I care
Although when our whole universe was in a hot dense state Then 14 billion years ago expansion started wait Sheldon Cooper found Amy Farrah Fowler And I can’t even get out of the shower Rajesh koothrapalli Hopeless romantic Finding my life oh so pedantic Not using ‘Ay’ or ‘yuh’ to sharpen my flow But into the cosmos I’ll gladly go Just in the hopes that I could know If she likes me back But the answer is no
“I am laying in the ground. I am in my mid fourties. I am a frequent prison escapee. I am alive, but how? Maybe a delayed resuscitation, but it can’t have taken that long. I have miraculously escaped from my coffin and I’m back out on the town. I think about killing the man who put me in prison this time. I decide start to go back to my old tactics. Pose as a friar and kill people who are trying to repent for their sins.
“I fail all of the attempts because not all of my motor functions have come back, most likely. I decide to go into hiding until the nerve damage heals itself. Judging by my age, it won’t entirely heal any time soon. I have several lacerations in the abdomen, I was wearing a British military belt, so the stabbing wasn’t apparent until I removed it. But who could have stabbed me?”
“I don’t know, who could have?” A man leaps in from the corner of the room and stabs the mortician several times until he meets satan. “What fun that was, becoming the killer. Fun tactics, too bad it was your last. Goodbye Dr. Johnston.”
I’ve just moved to the big city Neighbors so polite They invite me to their house They have alcohol, I get wasted Fall asleep in the bathtub It’s the strangest When I wake up back in my bed There’s a girl laying next to me Her hair is bright red I look to the other way A pineapple on the island “Tropical fruit, oh tropical fruit How dost thou sit upon mine counter Withn’t a quandary of thought” I jot in my journal The day continues, I meet the girl So kind and gorgeous We might just hit it off I ask her to dinner She replies affirmative We continue in our relationship We begin traditions that may last a lifetime If this next date goes well It’s a bit cliche, ring in champagne “But if an item may appear to be intact Why would one go about mending it” A fun Shakespearean twist to an old phrase She sees the ring I pop the question Everyone in the room looks to us As if we know what to say It’s a difficult question With a quick, painful answer And now all I’m left with Is the dreadful silence
“You’re not John.” Says a man as he walks into a padded room. “John had some complications, so I’ll be the new therapist.” The therapist gestured for the man to sit down. “Your file says that you’re a serial stalker.” “I wouldn’t say serial, it was just one woman over the span of a few months.” Would you care to expand on that?” “It’s like that one song by Your Favorite Martian. I was stalking a guys mom, I mean she was smoking hot. I didn’t see anything wrong with that.” “Yet you ended up here.” “I gathered that.” The man crosses his arms and looks away. “How did you get in here exactly.” “A guy saw me, and I knocked him out. I’m Irish, so I couldn’t just leave him there. I took him to the hospital and made sure he got better. I invited him to a friend’s party as a way of saying sorry, but he tried getting me arrested anyway. I had to spill my story and now I’m here.” The therapist checks his watch. “We’ve got time. What brought you to do this?” “Why do I gotta tell you? John knew why, isn’t it in the file?” “It is, but I want to hear you say it.” The man stands up and walks to the door. “Well too bad.” He opens the door and promptly storms out.
February 14th has finally arrived And I’m stuck at home Watching old comedy movies Ben Stiller and Will Ferrel Isn’t there more to life Than being really good looking With some afternoon delight Looking on all that I love I love painting I love bed I love X-Box I love lamp Do I really love these things? I love lamp
“Tell me about the dreams.” A man sits cross legged at his desk “I open my eyes, already standing. I look around, and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! I look at the thing standing in front of me. It’s not a man. It’s… it’s a Draenei. I close my eyes, and cross my fingers. ‘If I’m in a video game, this is not the one I want to be in.’ I open my eyes to find that I’d been subconsciously designing a character. I’m a paladin Worgen. That’s not even possible in the actual game. “I start the game and I’m launched into the middle of Gilneas City. Woah… there’s actually an exclamation point above his head. The man tells me to run and save the people captured by the worgens. I save them all and get some gold. Suddenly, they’re after me. I’m running as fast as I can, but it’s not good enough. I get scratched, a deep pain digging into my back and shoulder blades, and everything goes black. “That was the first of these dreams” a young adult sits opposite the man, hunched over, afraid of what he thinks he’s seen. “And what was the next?” “I woke up, an entirely different creature. I was man, but now I’m beast. I’m trapped in a cage, they let me out and they start assigning busywork. Just like the actual game. The second dream went just like that for a while. But the third dream, oh boy. “The third dream started simply enough, I was gathering armor and weapons. Once I got to town I got a new quest. A red exclamation point. I was told to kill everyone and everything in Azeroth. So I started killing. “This goes on for a few more of the dreams, all filled with blood and destruction in my wake. Eventually everything is dead. My character then looks at the camera directly, and I wake up in sleep paralysis. I fall asleep again and wake up hours later, everything in my house is dead, even my dog. “I begin to feel the urge to kill, and that’s what got me here.” “That certainly is quite a yarn you’ve spun. Do you still feel that?” The man jots down notes. “More than you would know.” The prisoner lunges at the shrink and kills him. Blood splattered everywhere. All he could bring himself to do afterwards is hide in the pool of blood until someone comes to put him away. “Not again.”
I’ve been invited to a party A plus one to someone Who doesn’t know me We met at a bar He hit me into a table And it all went dark When I woke up I was at the hospital He was helping me to health As a way to say sorry He said “but there’s this party” And now I’m here reading poetry They brought out the cake I know it’s not fake And I’m pretty sure your name is Mark I know this is stark But from the bottom of my heart Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to who I don’t know half the people I know this is feeble But it’s all I have and it’s mine Written on the spot All my rhymes on the dot So happy birthday to who The birthday boy or girl Is in this room I know it The only problem is I don’t know you And I’m obviously showing it Off to the people around the room Mark, Felicity, and Jim But I really should be back At my house watching shows That have only just been released So sorry those here So let’s have a beer For the birthday person we cheer “Happy birthday to who? Happy birthday to you!”