Mum. why couldn’t you have been the mum I needed. Why couldn’t have you loved and cared for me like one mothers should.
Instead I am getting the love you never gave me from another person mother. Im getting the care and kindness and the teachings of how to deal with boys and how to do my makeup and when my mental health is bad that I can talk about it and get help.
You only taught me one thing in life and this was from me living it, never ever become you. I don’t want to become you, I don’t want to be you, I don’t want to live life how you have lived it.
You put me down all the time, “Grades not good enough” “Oh no it’s that boyfriends of yours fault” Never once did you ask how I am or even try to understand me.
If I’m not serving you I’m selfish but if you don’t help us it’s because you too busy working or chilling out.
Everyone walks on eggshells around you. Everyone terrified making sure they think twice before what they say around you.
You never raised me you where just evil all the time. Don’t think I forgot when dad made you a nice dinner and you just threw it on the floor, or the amounts of times where you screamed at me for no valid reason.
You only chuck money at us for our love. You expect but never give anything in return. It’s painful when I hear how my friends are best friends with their mums and yet I have nothing to say about you, nothing good anyway.
Again I ask, Why wernt you MY mother?
Everyone has the same fate. Billions of people,all unique and different in all kinds of ways yet we all are destined to the same fate…Death.
One way we will all perish,we will be forgotten we won’t be remembered for the mistake we made or what we didnt do In life.And if we end up ghost we will have regrets.
The real question here is why are we here and how? RE teaches you there’s gods but that still begs the question of why and how was the supposed “gods” made. We exist but for what reason? Some say big bang theory,but another question what’s space what is this? Some may say I’m too conscious and everything really is confusing and we just don’t think about it. But I do. So many unanswered questions it’s terrifying. Knowing the only way to get answers is In death.We all don’t think about how we won’t live forver, too stuck in the moment we don’t give ourselves the chance to think and see that we have limited time. Time moves fast it doesn’t wait if you fall behind that’s on you. How does one even start to talk about it. Panic settles in and we are worried eternally about things we don’t know.
I wanna live forever just me and my person, I don’t wanna die I wanna exist forever no matter what but I know we can’t. We Are slaves to time.
I’m addicted… It’s not your normal thing yould really be addicted too but..I can’t help it it’s my norm, My addiction.
The rush of adrenaline that climbs and shoots up my veins as I do it. I don’t mean to do it, it’s not my fault, I just have to do it to keep my sanity sane.
It IS normal! MY NORMAL!
They do it to themselves.They flaunt themselves practically throwing themselves into me. They want me to notice them,they want me to hurt them and then I do.Hearing them scream gives me a rush I like it. They wanted this…ever single one of them wanted me to kill them,it’s as if they where on there knees begging me.
If I don’t murder then I’ll go insane and then who knows what could happen, I’m doing it to protect everyone else it’s not a bad thing, they where just bad people who asked for it without asking.
My addiction is normal,so don’t bother calling me a physco because I’m NOT!
My murderious desire is my addiction My norm.
Its 2024 and now i lay in a different boys room, with new memorys, a new family, and new friends.Last time i saw you i chased after you to scream at you about everything you did to me, you met the new boy and saw your lies when you said “no one will want you.” But you and me lasted 7 months while me and him and 1 year and 2 and still counting.
You never asked me how i was, You never asked me if i was doing okay, Because before we got the chance to be friends you where still demanding me to do stuff. You got blocked but you never blocked me. It was easier to be mad at you then enjoy the moments we had while it lasted.
You where toxic so incredibly toxic, Made me become this Slut whore that i didnt wanna be. I had no choice, You forced me upon a role i didnt accept. I was 13 when you did this all the way till i was 14. You ruined my teenage beginnings. You and your ginger hair haunts me. You were my biggest mistake yet i learnt lessons i shouldnt of had to learn so young. You left me unclean and dirty. No one not even my parents know exactly what you did to me. Because you never asked.
It goes so fast, once your a girl with all the friends you could need to none at all, I hate them atleast I should yet I am thinking of them and thinking of texting even tho I shouldn’t they hurt me and forced me out. Once it was 5 then 4, I never knew I was going to be the one to leave only last year now we where sneaking alcohol and in the streets at night doing whatever. Life was great but I was depressed still I felt I was missing somthing untill he came along and there it all went wrong they screamed at me for no longer being around but she didn’t know what It felt like to need someone all the time so bad that it took over my life, personally I think she changed along the way became a nasty girl and the only person I have to blame is my othere ex-friend. I couldn’t beg her to understand my feeling any longer after they talked shit about me I hated them and I knew it was over i would reply if they reached out but what ever it said would probably be horrible Till that day, I’ll be waiting.
Why do I worry? Why do I worry but for what? Am I crazy? Or just broken? From a past experience that destory my soul.
Am I just a broken still not healed mess or am I just not healing at all. Did I move on so quickly that I didn’t not have time to heal? I love my man but I worry too much Why won’t he text me back, Why isn’t he texting me, I am too attached.
My anxious attachment has made me a worry machine. I am still young with life to come yet I worry so much but I do not want to, I don’t wish to live in my head. I wish I could accept and trust him Because I worry too much.
Why I love you, you’ll ask, The real question should be why wouldn’t I? The way your eyes glisten and light up when your talking about something your interested in, or how the fact your constantly so energetic and confident even when your not feeling yourself you always make me smile and laugh. And then when I look into your eyes and you get mad that I keep staring but I can’t stop your just so beautiful, you have this thing about you I can’t even be mad at your cause when you look at me I smile and can’t keep a straight face cause you make me feel so many emotions it’s hard to channel them somtimes. And yes we get mad at eachother but that’s what we do,we get mad,but no matter what or how long it takes we fix it because not only are you my boyfriend you are my best friend the only one I have left who understands me.And I want you by my side through thick and thin your that light at the end of that really dark tunnel, and I know I’m a handful you may even say bitch at times and I know I make it hard for you and I’m sorry for that but I am just constantly scared of loosing the boy who brought me together and fixed me. I hope we make it to the part we’re we fulfill the dreams we made together cause I want you in my life forever as my partner and to be my husband and when you go off to the army I’ll be here waiting for you to come back, you’ll always have me counting on you, I love you.
My eyes turn and look up as they meet his hazel brown eye, when he looks at me I feel like I’m daydreaming there is no way he is real.
I feel his soft skin as I place my hands on his face and gently kiss his smooth cherry lips, with every kiss and touch I am filled with butterflies and they explode inside me like a volcano eurrupting. His hands feel so warm and they wonder my body and then bring me in for a hug, having his warm veiny arms wrapped around me feels as if I’m home he makes me feel safe when I see him I sigh of relief cause I can finally relax and be with him.
I adore his company somthing about him just being with me is so special. His laugh would make you laugh he’s unique and his laugh is adorable but when he smiled and looks into my eyes my heart explodes. He is so cute I feel like I have to protect him and make sure he is never without.
Since the day I met him I knew he was the one who could fix my broken mess, he’s the laughter and joy I will always need he’s the smile and exictedness I crave and everyday I spend with him I make sure to enjoy every second, I truly love this boy.
I can’t say I’m hurting when I seem to have the perfect life, a boyfriend, a best friend and well that’s pretty much it except the fact I’m hurting and sometimes I don’t know why I shouldn’t be I feel like I’m not in control of me I say and do things now and I just am not sure if that’s me doing that or if I’m just messed up like everyone else, yes I know no one is perfect that’s been proven as my mistakes of things and decisions haunt me. Two friends lost in a month I dare to even call them friends after the way they treated me or was it the fact they was jealous of me but for what reasons is it because I can always end up getting back up and deal with my problems on my own rather then dragging people through shit I don’t know but after the fights they started I began to hate them so I guess it is good that they are gone and I made the right decision to make sure to get rid of toxicity and disgusting behaviour from someone your supposed to trust and yes they know shit about me but I know stuff about them too and oh well cause I know at the very end of the day I never meant any of the fake apologies even though they started the fights and just said I was always in the wrong for hanging out with my boyfriend but who wants to hang out with a pair of toxic girls who just don’t make you feel like friends at all it was like a chore hanging out with them I never wanted to anymore it was boring and old and just I hated it. My life is odd people are often mad at me because I don’t please them anymore I use to be a people pleaser but this year I stopped caring and started focus on myself cause fuck everyone who tryed to control me we do not have forever so why are we getting mad and causing hopeless drama to fill in the bored ness I want to live I don’t want to be hidden I want everyone to know that I am the girl who overcame and does not need anyone to be happy not friends not nothing I am happy to do my own thing and I am glad I have my boyfriend but even he can be a handful most the time
A year ago, a group of 5,then turned into a group of 4 then 3 and now I don’t know, You all changed, became people I didn’t recognise anymore, became people I didn’t want to hang out or have a laugh with anymore, you all changed yet I stayed the same and watched as one by one you all hurt me till I left.
