“Don’t open your eyes too wide, Or you’ll never be able to close them again” Words spoken by a short man On a rooftop during a sunset At sixteen you think you know it all Passing time both slow and fast Wearing words like my favorite robe Dripping over every inch of skin Trying to find their way in An invisible tattoo that brands you Altering the meaning Until they’re something That feels brand new If I had taken the advice Deciding to stay in the dark To the atrocities in this world I wonder if I’d be a different girl Choosing blindness to the horror That continues to occur Every day we inhabit this earth A life changing conversation With a homeless man named Matt Who appeared suddenly In my moments of need Just to then leave With no trace left behind Your story I’ve carried For all of this time I wish you knew how brightly You always shined And how our long talks Altered my perception For the rest of my life I’m sorry that they left you behind You were my earth Angel Who kept me alive An entire dictionary of words Could never define The gratitude I’ve held inside If you’re ever faced with a choice Always pick being kind You never know the impact Of words you leave behind
Underneath the darkest sky A new moon begins its time And the stars way up high Have their moment to shine Guiding is with the brightest lights A reminder that it will all be alright Even the moon sometimes hides Allowing itself to rest Slowly growing until it’s full We, too, go through cycles Going from empty to brimming Optimism that shines brightly Created deep inside of us Unable to be taken away A gift from yourself That provides strength Just keep pushing forward And let the stars help As you find your path Leading you to the place That your souls meant to stay Whatever you do - Don’t lose faith
Then suddenly it’s over As quickly as it began Another story that will circle its way around my head Moments frozen like a snapshot in time Lingering reminders of the people that didn’t last Choosing to be a part of the past Then you find yourself a new path Time goes on, a little less sad Each new day, the spat Had no longer makes you feel mad Finally you start over finding new people that make you glad
I remember the wagon And the hill you let go on The group home we hated When we were toddlers I remember the foster family Where I slept on the floor You snuck out of your room Then opened the door Just put your finger in it I did as I was told The day I found out Electricity felt cold Do you remember The burgundy car And the blanket of wool The long black curls Our social worker had When she told us the rules The secrets I whispered Deep in your ear Too afraid to talk Because our life was built on fear
If you remember all this Then why did you choose To take the path that leads us here The only family we have After the warnings from doctors You decided you'd still use
Do the drugs matter more Then the blood in our veins? Out of eleven kids, we're all that remains
I've spent days crying Asking the universe why With a liver like that You won't last through July
Twenty-nine years Minus four That’s the time I’ve spent Longing for your love If I tried to be skinnier Made myself pretty Ensured that my “thighs don’t jiggle.” And my butt was flatter Read to make me smarter Don’t drop below a “b” Kept my mouth shut at home But when you’re friends come, I appear Expected to say the words you want The thoughts you think Leave them astounded by my maturity Maybe if I hadn’t dyed my hair purple Avoided certain friends Wrote the book about my story So you could live through me Perhaps if I cursed less Or I didn’t smoke Maybe if I went to college Or had a better job If I had never said no Or had more trophies You’d have loved me more
I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted But I’m still what you got I doubt I’ll ever stop yearning Because you picked me off the lot
All that glitters is not gold But there you were Lighting up the room And I couldn’t stop Our eyes met - a quick glance My heart pounding your name My throat dryer ever moment You could see the weakness And I could see your teeth - Sharp, waiting to take a bite. I called you out within an hour - The kind of man that goes around Collecting hearts to break Leaving disaster in his wake By day two you convinced me I was wrong Then how are we here? Your gold now barely a rust A shadow sucking the breath from the room How did you fool me so easily? Was I blind from the light? That night will forever haunt my mind…
They laugh at each joke My words fall smoothly each time They tell me I’m pretty, my response “I know.” They speak to each other I watch quietly from the side They show me who they are And who they wish I was Time passing by slowly Observe, collect information Putting on the show they created in their minds Be who they perceive me to be A game of chess with no mate Losing our pawns and knights Nights like these - good stories Eleven years of acting put to good use Is it really a lie if they never ask? Am i deceiving if they don’t want to know? Questions that linger months after. Maybe someone will see ME through this Act. Call me on my shit For now I’ll sit and play my part Wishing I was anywhere but where I am.
One step The another Hands at your sides Look straight ahead Avert your eyes Deep breath in Then out Don’t let them see Your tremors A few more steps - One Two Three Throw it away Turn around slowly Eyes to the ground Smile back - don’t be rude Step one, step two, You’re almost back at the chair His voice booms filling the room Is my face red now? Can they tell my hearts pounding? I pull the chair out - You can sit now - We made it.
Not all who wander are lost - I remind myself frequently I’m wandeding - growing, evolving I can find the way back, the path not taken won't lead me astray Time is a concept, so I should be fine I'm not lost, repeat it until I believe it Self delusional can be a mastered theme Convince yourself you're alright The pain can't suffocate you You're not alone - the phrase repeated daily Silence is destructive when you're losing your mind Forward, forward, forward The only direction to go Shadows in every corner - remorse, shame, fear Just tell yourself the monsters aren't real And when you're ready - You can admit you lied You lost yourself in the woods, alone and confused It was going to happen eventually
