I woke up with the sun shining on my face. It took me a few minutes before the events of last night came rushing back to me. I grab my phone hoping against hope that Draya had changed her mind and tried to contact me. My heart sank when I saw that there were no new messages or voicemails, no missed calls, nothing. I should’ve known. I wanted to cry and scream and fall apart all at once but at the same time I felt numb, maybe that’s why I wasn’t crying right now. I probably would later. I felt lost and alone. I looked at my phone again opened up my contacts and scrolled through it until I found the number I was looking for and called it. It rang twice and then Hallie’s chipper voice answered “Hello?” “Hey Hallie.” “S’up Sare Bear?” “Do you have any plans today?” “No I’m completely free.” “Good I need you to come over ASAP.” “Why?” “I will tell you when you get here.” “Okay should I contact everyone else too?” “No! Hallie don’t you dare!” “Okay I won’t, must be serious. I’m on my way.” “Okay see you soon.” I sighed as I hung up my phone and got out of bed. I was still in my dress from last night. I didn’t have the state of mind or the energy to change out of it last night. I reached behind me and with some difficulty managed to unzip the dress. I stuffed it in my hamper. I didn’t feel like getting dressed so I just changed my underwear and put on a big t shirt and pair of sweatpants then I see the silk corsage still attached to my wrist; I still remember the way my heart swelled with happiness and love when Draya gave it to me looking at it now just made me feel broken and sick. I took it off and threw it across my room not caring where it landed. I went down stairs and sat in the living room until Hallie arrived.

“So what happened?” “Draya dumped me last night.” “What? But why?” “Because I told her I love her.” “And she dumped you for that? Most girls would be thrilled to hear their significant other say that they love them. What the heck is wrong with her?” “I screwed up. I told you, told everyone that I didn’t want to tell her because this might happen. I mean how much stupider could I get?” “You’re not stupid if anything she is. You’re the best she could ever have and if she can’t see that then screw her.” “I don’t know what to do Hallie. I should be angry with her and I am a little, I should hate her for this but I don’t. I want to because it would make it so much easier but I don’t I still think of her as the best thing to have ever happened to me. I still love her.” “Then don’t give up so easily; fight for her.” “How?” “How about you start with a simple phone call? The worst thing that can happen is she doesn’t answer.” “What would I say?” “Just say what you feel.” “Okay.” I say taking out my phone and scrolling through my contacts until I find Draya’s number and then called it, it rang a total of six times before her voice mail picked up. I took a deep breath and then spoke “Draya, I am sorry about what I said last night. I didn’t mean it. I want to see you. I at the very least need to talk to you. Please call me back. I love you.” I let out a defeated sigh as I hung up. Hallie put her hand on my shoulder and gave me what I am sure was supposed to be a encouraging smile.

The rest of the day was spent drowning my sorrows with half a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and attempting to watch the entire series of supernatural in one sitting which was an epic fail because we got sick of it by the middle of season 4 and decided to watch Harley Quinn the animated series, the injustice movie, and Gilmore Girls instead. I was able to break down and cry a few times. I could allow myself to fall apart for once confident in the fact that Hallie was there to help hold me together. Honestly it felt good to be able to let it out and have that outlet. Hallie decided to call her parents and tell them she was spending the next few nights at my house. “No way am I leaving my girl alone in her time of need.” she had said to me. “Thanks Hallie, you’re the best.” Hallie and I talked late into the night not about anything in particular just the kind of talk that is shared between friends the kind of talks where you can discuss everything with out saying much at all. It was light hearted and normal and it felt really good to have that kind of peace for a little while.

The next morning I checked my phone wearily and felt crestfallen when once again there were no new messages or voicemails, no missed calls again, nothing. I signed setting the phone down. Hallie was still asleep. Then my phone buzzed; I answered it quickly without checking the caller ID. “Hello?” I tried not too sound too anxious. “Hey Sare Bear what’s up?” “Oh, hey Tracy.” I said deflating instantly. “What’s wrong?” Tracy was ever the perceptive one in the group and even if she weren’t she always seemed to be able to tell what everyone of our small group was feeling; and so now seemed to be able to sense my emotional distress. “Draya dumped me on homecoming night.” “Why? You guys seemed more in love than ever.” “Well apparently Draya didn’t feel that way.” “You want me to come over?” “Yeah. Hallie is already here but Tracy…” She cut me off “Don’t tell anybody else; you got it mums the word.” After I ended the call with Tracy I decided I would try calling Draya again. As my grandmother always said it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. I dialed her number, it rang six times and then I got her voicemail “Draya, it’s me again? Did you get my last message? Please my angel call me back. I really need to talk to you. I love you!” And with that I hung up then I sent a text that simply read {please contact me. I love you.💜} It wasn’t much longer before Hallie woke up with a yawn and stretched her arms. “Good morning Sare Bear. How are things with you this morning?” “Not much better than last night.” I said glumly. “I’m sorry. You want to head downstairs for some breakfast? I’ll make my famous Hallie hash brown scramblers.” I smiled, Hallie hash brown scramblers were just scrambled eggs with lots of shredded hash browns and some cut up sausage links mixed in with a handful of shredded cheddar over the top. Probably a heart attack waiting to happen; and one of the best comfort breakfasts in the whole wide world maybe the universe. “Better make extra, Tracy is coming over.” I informed her. “Awesome, we can have a girls day in!” Hallie said enthusiastically. Tracy arrived just as Hallie was finishing up with cooking. “Hope you’re hungry because I made plenty.” Hallie said. “Yeah, I skipped breakfast so I could definitely eat.” Tracy said as Hallie filled our plates. After breakfast Tracy called her parents to tell them that she was spending the night at my house and maybe the next night too and she would keep them posted. The day was spent pigging out on junk food as we watched Nancy Drew it is the perfect combination of teen drama, mystery, and supernatural spookiness. It just felt like the perfect binge watch for the day; but unbeknownst to my friends, I was periodically sending texts to Draya. Some short, some long, some angry, some apologetic, some pleading, and some honestly just desperate but they were all basically the same thing {please contact me. I need to talk to you. I love you💜} I don’t know how many I sent for sure but I bet it could have filled up the first few pages of a notebook front and back. I was being pathetic; I know I was but I didn’t care. My friends and I fell asleep on the living room floor with the tv on.

The next morning, Tracy and Hallie were up before me and already dressed in clothes that they had obviously borrowed from my closet but I didn’t mind. “Good Morning guys.” I said yawning and stretching “What time is it?” I asked. “6:45 we were going to let you sleep in a little while before you have to get ready for school.” said Hallie “Honestly with what you are going through you deserve it.” added Tracy “Well I am up now I might as well get ready.” I said heading upstairs and taking a quick shower before getting dressed. As I pulled my tie dy blue hoodie over my long sleeve black t shirt I spotted something on my floor. It was the corsage I had thrown two days ago and had until now forgotten about it. I kneel down and pick it up gingerly, as if it were a fragile priceless artifact that could fall apart if handled to roughly. I sighed, walked over to my bed side table and set it next to my lamp and let out another sigh before heading down stairs.

I spent the entire day in a fog, going through the motions speaking only when absolutely necessary, except for lunch. Raquel and Kelsey already knew that something was up when I finally told them that I had been dumped by Draya. They at first looked shocked before morphing into compassion and sympathy. Raquel who was sitting to my right instantly put her arms around me. “Oh honey…” said Kelsey who had been sitting across from me and she came around to my other side and enveloped me in a hug. They offered me words of comfort and I acted like they helped when in reality it did nothing for my broken heart. I think Tracy knew it too. She understood heart break better than any of my other friends. Sure she was in a happy relationship now, but she understood where I was; having been there herself. Which may have been the reason she suggested we go over to Draya’s house after school and confront her. I protested at first but Tracy wasn’t about to give up that easily and all my other friends agreed and were backing her so I yielded to them .

The drive to Draya’s passed in a blur to me and before I knew it I was at her front door and rang the doorbell and waited, nothing. I knocked on the door and still nothing. Then for some reason I just lost it and started ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door like a mad woman and lasted for hours. I was just about ready to give up when finally Celeste answered the door “You simply don’t give up do you?” She said her tone stern and her face glaring. “I’m sorry Celeste but I need to speak to Draya.” Celeste’s expression softened “I’m sorry too Sarah but I’m afraid Draya will not see you let alone speak to you.” “Couldn’t you talk to her? She listens to you.” “I have tried that foolish girl simply will not listen to reason.” “Celeste please…” “I’m sorry…she doesn’t want to see you…you should go; good bye.” and with that she shut the door. I submitted in defeat, got back into Tracy’s VW and we went back to my house. When we got back my friends were all saying something about trying something else after school tomorrow but I shook my head “No I’ll figure this out on my own guys I appreciate everything but I think I need to figure this one out for myself.” The next couple of days passed by in a haze. I would call Draya in the morning and text her every chance I got but she never answered or responded to my texts so finally I gave up and that night called one last time. Six rings and then her voicemail “Draya it’s me again. I am just calling to say I’m done. I still love you and think I always will but it seems you don’t feel that way and I can’t do this anymore; so I’m just done. I hope you can find happiness even if it’s not with me. I will always remember you fondly and with affection and always love. I hope that you will think of me sometimes too but I guess this is it good bye my angel.” and with that I hung up and closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep and just hope I might find some peace in my dreams tonight.

THE END to be continued in story titled I Left Her

Lately I’m angry all the time I fight so many thoughts Before I can finally shut my eyes Yet when I awake The anger still resides Tell me, are you pleased? Does this bring you some delight? I’m tired of being so cranky all the time I believed you When you said you would stay Yet, as usual All you’ve gone and done Is push me away Are you satisfied? That what used to be love and longing Is now anguish that keeps me up at night I may have said a lot of things But I didn’t lie Abandon you You let me go so easily Causing my heart another bruise When will I learn You only care about you I was collateral damage You were it for me But for you We’ll, you were just passing through

Ring! The bell rings, fourth periods over! Yes! You are about to jump out of the door but you math teacher calls you over. Dang, what does he want now? You wonder. He gives you that scary, sly look that most teachers have these days. “You got an F on your math quiz, please try Better next time.” “No! No no no! I thought I did good!” You whine like a little puppy. He sighs, “No you didn’t. You can stay after school to redo it. You are excused.” You are mad. You are SO angry. You take a deep breath. You walk towards the door, but before leaving you spot something on a table by the door. You smile. A broom. Probably left by the janitor. Good. You pick it up, and walk back to your math teacher. “Hey, what are you doing? Put the broom down kid. Why don’t you go to your next class your going to be la-“ He cut off. By you. You slam the broom onto his head. Over and over and over and over. You smile. There’s blood. Happiness. Then the bell rings. Oof you’ll be late for class! After math you go to your next class, leaving your poor math teacher to rot.

It tricks you. It burns then leaves a trail of black chard, black smoke and silence. It is also bright and beautiful with it dancing colors of red, of orange and yellow. It leaves behind death but the. Come growth of new new colors of greens, purples, blues, and everything in between, new songs. New life.

Afterwards, all I’m left with are broken dreams and promises, the smell of burnt love letters, and a sound like static on the radio, mixed with the noise an engine makes and the clash of steel pans, and the rain falling in inky pools.

In my mind, it’s night, and the birds are screaming, the foxes shrieking, babies howling.

It’s raining, not a heavy stormy rain, but a thick mist that gets inside you no matter what. And He’s there, he’s been there all along, calling my name, calling me to him. And then, in an instant I weaken and look into his eyes, and there’s light and I’m falling so fast and far I think I’ll never land. It’s not the fall that kills you though, it’s the landing. And I do land, and tomorrow starts.

Tomorrow comes and I wake, calling his name in the darkness, the memory of a hundred yesterdays burnt on my eyes, in my ears. It’s a sadness I’ve never known before, deep and unending as love itself.

fuck your silver linings they never got me anywhere you played me like the fool i was because you knew you had my heart in your freckled hands and how i lay awake or dreaming at night with you and you and you and you and your touch on my cluttered mind

you took my chance and threw it at someone else shut me out and flew away

i showed you my dark side did it scare you? i let you in did you feel at home? you killed the light did you intend to destroy the tunnel too?

my fatal flaw is jealousy so how does it feel to know you’ve left my dreams? how does it feel to no longer be the object of my desperation?

you had your chance and you let it rot didn’t reach out and left me to pick up the pieces

fuck you for being afraid i was scared too you pretend like everything’s fine i’ll let you think that but just know this i never stopped fighting throughout the aftermath and you and you and you and your smell that i found comfort in can wallow in your own damn mess

I have no idea how it happened. I never meant for it to happen. Dear Bast, forgive me.

It started as a normal day. I woke up, stretched, and wandered downstairs. Ate some breakfast, washed it down with some nice, cool water, and planned my naps for the the day.

But then, I smelled it. The herb. That glorious herb which is a glory and and a bane to all feline kind. Catnip.

It was sprinkled on the cat tree by one of the humans (I can’t tell them apart.) I tried to resist its siren call, but I gave in to my nature.

First, just a sniff. I swear, just a small sniff. Then, just a little roll, it’s exercise, right. It then caught a hold of me, and I was it’s servant. My eyes dilated, my ears folded back. I sang the song of my people in pure nip bliss. I heard the humans laugh, but I didn’t care.

I couldn’t control it anymore, I had to run! Leaping off the cat tree, I ran as my an ancestors once ran when pursing prey. I was feral, I was free.

I paused to clean a wayward patch of fur, and tried to collected myself. Nope! More nip was needed, so I leapt back on the cat tree and indulged myself.

A second runaround the house then followed. To honor my wild cousins, I climbed the tree the humans had set in the big room. I looked out as I imagine a fierce leopard might. Unfortunately, I was still nip-drunk. I lost my balance, and down I fell. Along with the tree. Along with the shiny things on the tree. In a panic, I jumped in the counter. More items fell to the ground.

I fled upstairs, and under the bed. I started to in come down, and realized my folly. I have shamed myself, my species. These humans did this for their own pleasure, and I vow revenge.

After more nip.

We won! My final war. But what happens now? I have dedicated my entire life, My education, My future to the military. But now it’s done. They won’t let me back in, I won’t be able to fight. My life is worthless, After the aftermath.

I have to go ‘home’. A foreign name, To a person who grew up on the streets, Then fought in wars around the globe. I don’t have money, My family doesn’t have money, Or a house. I can’t get a job. My life is worthless, After the aftermath.

I can’t take refuge in sleep, My deeds haunt me. I have scars, Some visible some not. My social skills stunted, I have no friends. I don’t try to make any, Not after all my kills, And those who died. I have no-one. I am worthless, After the aftermath.

This can’t be it, I have done too much, Sacrificed too much, For this to be the end. I have me, I am alive. I have my family, Finally I can love. I can live a full life, To carry on the legacy of those who died. I am not worthless, After the aftermath.

your love was so sweet but under it lay a hidden heart of lies that manipulated your prey.

you forced open my walls with a pry-bar of honey i lowered my defenses and you swept in with an army

you earned my trust then you threw it away trampled it in disgust and left me in shame

shattered and alone now i remain my heart is in pieces and i’ll never trust again

i’ll rebuild my walls glue my heart back together my defenses are impenetrable in the aftermath of love

The aftermath of you was something no person should have to experience. As quickly as you walked into my life you tore your way back out leaving no part unbroken. The black pit that used to be my heart aches at the sound of your name. Even in passing conversation the sound of your voice in the hall kills me the same. I cannot breathe anymore because I feel not worthy of air. You took a sweet innocent girl and left her broken and bruised on the side of the road. That party where I drank to much and you were supposed to be my knight and shining armor and take me home. Then the shining of your armor turned to rusted metal because you were really the monster in disguise. I still feel every bruise that you made even though they are beginning to fade. You’ve done this before and you called me the “whore” knowing to spare my face. So your handy work could be hidden by clothes so nobody knows that the sweet jock is only part of your face. The other side to the coin that is your reflection is the imperfections where the monster lurks just under the surface. I’m sure that I’m not the only girl who’s seen into those eyes that are always trying to hide behind that bright and shining smile. One day the person underneath will be the only one that everyone see when you take a girl stronger than me. She will show your real face scream into space of all the injustices that you have done. Boy won’t that be fun when you are on the run from the monster that you have become. I will be free of my misery that you have brought me since you left me alone beaten and broken on the side of the road.