They say forgiveness is a virtue but I’d rather keep my anger, patronising and belittling me , inside jokes kept all to yourself. laughing manically as im brought down to my knees, with every whip I took he stood and watch me bleed.
Insulting my intelligence renaming it banter, each and every night I cried, laid next to me pretending not to notice blissfully falling asleep even sitting in the same house suffocated me. Stuck in hell but I couldn’t leave, threats running through my veins, a shadow of myself as I began to fade away.
Called me crazy enough times it became a fact. Scared little me has long gone now, buried underneath incessant rage, The strength I swallowed deep is finally Leaking through there’s about to be a fucking storm, heading right for you.
Walk a mile in my shoes and tell me what you see, I tried to play nice with my past but it keeps on hunting me every dark Corner looming over my bed, the sound of your voice on repeat constantly in my head.
Tell me how can I forgive and forget each way he tortured me. Tell me how to move on when subconsciously I’m being haunted by the evil in my past. Every day I pray that it’s all just a bad dream.
Delicately crafted to be unique, in perfect order from our heads to our feet. the shape of our eyes, the slight tip of one’s nose, hearts best in sink as constant blood flows, in rythm, not missing a beat.
Different shades of brown, blue or green, eyes that remind us of the ocean or bright green leaves on a tree, brown as dark as a puddle or the trunk of a tree.
Each individual thing fits together, a perfect mosaic, are we really alone or are we all just the same? A mashed together pattern of all our past and mistakes and the future generations decisions they made.
Our views all blast out causing rift or confusion, emotional responses programmed deep inside our souls,reactions that we may not understand ourselves raised to believe what we have always known to be facts.
Our personalities, morals, beliefs or routine, can be influenced by such a big number of things, we can learn we can grow, figure out our own trail of thoughts, which leads me to wonder how many issues we hold are ours to possess, did our ancestors have the answers, do they really know best?
Individual from our head to our toes, each person completely their own, humans all as one made up from our looks our mind and what we have done.
We stand side by side almost touching, but not quite and the warmth of his body laying next to me at night gives me false hopes, maybe the distance we feel right now is just a passing phase, a temporary moment of disconnect that will eventually go away.
I convince myself everything is normal, couples don’t always act like their on their honey moon.
work, families and bills there’s not much room left for anything else, giving all that energy away leaves not much left for ourselves.
That’s true, he replies not looking at me as he nonchalantly disappears up the stairs. Where he will stay for the night locking himself away from the stranger who’s waiting downstairs.
We share a house, a car on the drive, cats that run between us wondering why, why we sit in separate rooms and live separate lives.
Lonely but I shouldn’t feel alone. Unfamiliar territory that should be my home , a bed occupied by me and a man I barely know, he walks around me texting and talking on his phone, I clean around him making sure he’s got a set of clean clothes.
I feel alone. But I guess I’m not really. Lonely together is better than if he leaves me, right?
I back into the corner as they surround me, snarling at them, snapping my teeth and growling I do everything I can think of to get them to leave me alone.
I’m backed into the corner of a street only a tall wall one side of me and a bin I attempt to hide behind to no avail, I don’t know what they want with me, I whimper as I place my swollen paw back on to the ground as I hop sideways shielding myself further behind the bin.
2 cars and one van are blocking my escape out of this small desolate car park I had found myself trapped in, panting hard I wish I could ask them to go, I don’t want to hurt them I’m just trying to save myself I urge them to leave wincing every time I rest my paw onto the ground.
The blonde female human bends down softly calling out towards me. I know there hear to get me and it’s part of the plan but I have been running for so long and I am so tired I collapse with a yelp onto my side, the lady is calling to one of the men with her, as one brings a net looking object and tried to hand it to her she pushes it aside shaking her head.
She’s closer now, I lift my head exhausted, I wish she could understand me, I don’t mean no harm. She’s closer, shouts of panic voices behind her sound distant in my ears as they ring loudly, as she tells them to be quiet and leans in further her fingers nearly resting at my paw, she doesn’t grab me as I thought she would and I have no energy left to escape, accepting my fate, I let out a whine and use what little energy I have left to raise my head.
“Hey little one, I know your scared but I’m not here to hurt you” I can hear her comforting voice as I sniff towards her, she puts her hand closer my nose touching it now.
She doesn’t pull her hand away and gently strokes my fur on the side of my face, I pant with stress but let her touch me, it seems to be taking some of my pain away. She carries on petting me each stroke causing my tired eyes to relax.
I’m starting to be less on edge with the woman only growling when one of the men approach, alert and struggling to get up I get ready to defend myself but each time she sends them away, maybe she is here to save me from those bad guys?
As I’m distracted by her gentle strokes and kind voice and determidley keeping a eye on the men behind her, she takes the opportunity to strike a rope flings around my head and she pulls it so I cannot realise it off my head frantically I wave my body around swaying my head side to side in a attempt to slide off the rope.
The two men are back and leading me firmly towards the van where they pull me In slipping off the rope from my neck , locking a metal gate inside the van doors I yelp and howl out but I’m trapped as she comes to shut the doors on me she whispers I’m so sorry mate I promise you it’s for your own good she says sadly slamming the doors and walking away.
As the engine rumbles I realise there’s nothing left I can do, captured by the bad people not sure of what awaits me I lay on the cold floor instead if the blanket and bed that’s been placed nearby me.
I doze off slightly as the wheels come to a stop someone’s foot steps come towards me I scrabble to my feet forgetting my paw that is hurting me so bad.
The door flings open and the smiling kind lady is there, come on boy she says I’ve got someone waiting to see you , she looks so excited but also sad with tears in her eyes I cautiously follow her out with the rope I allowed her to place around me this time, a familiar scent hits me as I realise she is leading g me to the entrance to the vets I push my feet in the ground barking at her In protest.
I bark loudly but I know deep down I need help for my paw, she is encouraging me in so determinedly and I think what is so important in this building I hesitantly get lead inside stopping every couple of strides in fake protest to protect my pride more than anything else.
We get inside as I get ready to be seized by the torturer that gives me my jabs, I get lead to a side area of the waiting room instead.
I sniff the floor and take a wee up the side of some bags that smell like dog food as a loud cry and sounds of sobbing surround me, I hobble forward in alarm towards 3 crying humans the youngest man kneeling down by the chair In front of me, I look up at the nice woman, confused, concerned what’s going on?
She leads me nearer to the man as I step forward to sniff him, he has a familiar scent I sniff harder as he says a word I hadn’t been called for a long time, hello dexter he whispers towards me, have you forgotten me he says barely audible but I lift my head up, what was that word? As if he understood what I asked he repeated Dexter, it’s me.
RYAN I leap at him it has been so long I thought I had dreamt him, all the memories come flooding to my head as I leap into his arms the others gather around as I sniff them both remembering them all now.
After my paw was bandaged and painkillers given to me in a treat, the kind lady hugs me tightly as she returns me on a lead to my family. They didn’t leave me, I was just lost. Returning home, this was the best day of my life.
You wrap your self up tightly, double checking the locks. Don’t be silly they say, your at home, your safe. Embarrassed you smile back as you pretend to agree, because of course tucked up in bed there’s no where safer you could be? Right?
Knock, knock, knock You debate opening that door because going back can’t hurt any more than it did before,right?
Predictable and safe your list is down to two expectations,traits that are harder to find than the pot at the end of a rainbow.
Flashes of painful memories pour in your head , Checking closets, behind curtains even under your bed, Not a big bad monster come to eat you alive, just a very real figure holding a knife.
Menacing eyes as he grimly holds the blade to your throat, each time you remember you start to choke… But he’s gone right?
Everything is fine now… right?
Except he’s not, even if he’s not around. every time I lay my head down I realise I’ll never be free of the predator who haunts me.
It’s not a rare predator I’m talking about, you can’t barricade yourself in, or hire soldiers in forts that will take them down.
The biggest threat is love when it turns to hate. The best feeling ending up as the worst, the one to protect you from everyone but themselves.
The predator lays with you even after it’s gone every. Single. Night. The taunting goes on
If rainbows appeared at night surrounded by the twinkling stars and illuminous moon, the colours would stand out like fireworks, cascading down to earth. the streaks of colour giving hope to those who are stuck in the dark, a bit of hope for each day when people need it the most.
The rainbow would lead us to places we have never been, friends meeting up to drive right to the end to see what they could see, late night drive throughs busy as people grab a snack, getting to the best location to stare up at the sky, talking about dreams and ambitions or what the future would hold.
If the rainbow came out at night, it would be less lonely. If the rainbow came out at night I would never get up in the morning.
I am but a puzzle although my pieces do not fit as they should. I am but a puzzle, not yet understood. My edges are frayed, parts of me bent out of shape.Years of pushing my self to stay where I’m placed.
I am but a puzzle, nothing simple, a challenge or A riddle that leaves you perplexed. A complex mix of many things, leaving you scratching your head.
I am but a puzzle. That’s still not been solved Left to twist myself more and more until I fit in the mould. Pieces of a puzzle which are missing from the box, incompletely unsolvable a mystery to most. I am but a puzzle…
I’m gunna pop!!!, I can feel it it’s about to happen, anger is pacing up and down steam is rising, no your not are you? Your not tell me your not whispers anxiety starting to melt away don’t say that... ahhhh it’s a nightmare were never going to survive this, anxiety is circling the pitch black area,
Let’s all calm down, there is always a way to deal with something your all just being ridiculous! Will you stop so I can make a game plan and get us out of here?? Common sense scratches his head holding onto a notebook and scribbling down words crossing them out again, blank... I have... nothing
Desperation is busy running around with anxiety trying to stop fear from running out the room and anger is boiling over onto anxiety who is melting at a tremendous rate...
Right... says logic loudly everyone be quiet I have a plan but the plan won’t work with you all behaving this way.
Let’s start at the beginning... logic begins reciting to the room the events leading up to this madness, who started this?
Happiness smiles waving her hands , that would be me she walks over to logic and sits down. “Katie was happy she was walking to work and we were having a great time, she met her friend, who’s lovely” happiness beams remembering the event fondly, then out popped, paranoia stirring up things as usual she exclaims rolling her eyes.
Logic turns around to look at paranoia who’s in the corner rocking back and forth, “well paranoia? What happened next?”
Paranoia moves forward holding his arms and looking around, “I erm saw somebody... and I alerted fear to come and help me as he was nearby”
So you pipped up because you saw somebody?!? Questions logic holding his head in his hands, “ you seriously pressed the help button because you saw somebody?”
“Of course you saw somebody it was the middle of the day! Agitation snaps at paranoia, what do you expect!
“It was a scary looking person, I’m sorry, am I getting fired for this? Who else knows?” Says paranoia getting flustered
Just carry on says logic ignoring the bickering around him waiting to get to the bottom of what has happened. “Every alarm is going right now we need to figure out how to settle this down”
Right so after you paranoia you called fear, then what?
Well I just sat there and waited I didn’t really know if I was needed yet, but then anxiety cane and told me to press my button instantly and so I did, the person was coming close to katie, I had to alert her and then anxiety messed up nudging me and I pressed angers button...
I didn’t mean to anxiety says melting and crying I’m so sorry fear, I couldn’t think straight my anxiety was spinning around and my blanket was missing”
Where is your blanket anxiety? Asks kindness “I will get it for you” Kindness goes off to get anxiety a blanket and the rest of the room starts to slow down slightly... that’s better calmness breathing deeply.
“ so anxiety nudged my button so I spun around to look at the screen and saw this man about to grab katie’s shoulder, so I got her to turn and punch him hard!”
Oh no, cries regret this is my part, so whilst these lot are kicking off I set in realising we just punched the boss in the face for tapping Katie’s shoulder and then fear and anxiety popped up again, causing the teacher to start shouting at katie, then the teacher said something to katie’s friend and anger got involved... and well here we are.
Logic writes down everything he’s hearing scribbling faster and faster... the room is silent now apart from a few sobs and cries.. So what emotion Is being used now if you lot are here? Logic asks confused
“Just remorse he’s in the corner writing a letter of apology to head office, to send to katie to give to her teacher, but also kindness stayed around to tell katie that it was a accident and she shouldn’t blame herself too much...”
So we’re back to normal, systems are restored?
Systems restored sir
Logic smiles puts down his pen and turns off the screen goodnight katie, goodnight everyone see you in the morning!
The breeze from the cracked window blows in my face, shivering I get up and slam the window shut, I almost forgot where I was I was so embossed in my writing, I’m just so close to the ending, so close, I stretch and lean back looking up at the old grandfather clock ticking in the corner of the room, blimey! It’s gone 3:00 I managed to doze off and the book is meant to be completed in one day! Grabbing my pencil and tapping it on the big wooden table I’m working at I double check my last paragraph, if only I could see a way to finish this last page and live up to my managements standards, 6 years of writing and not one award winning book yet, I can feel myself drifting off again so I stand up to make a coffee and grab a snack, as I lean over the counter I can sense someone is watching me I turn around quickly and gasp! Oh my goodness Maddison you scared me, why are you up at this time of night, let me get you back into bed, my anxious mind grabbing her hand and leading her back up the stairs from the basement, I’m not sure how she found her way down here with only my little lamp lighting the room. BANG...WHACK...WHOOSH... ouch I knew I should of got a proper light installed, oh my gosh Maddison is she okay? I sit up slowly holding my head, my eyes feel fussy and blurred and it’s really really bright in here. My hands tremor and I feel paralysed in shock I blink trying to adjust my eyes and pull myself out of what I am seeing, I must be dreaming still, all around me are hot air balloons floating around and rabbits hopping around my feet, a bright green sky is beaming down on me and a purple sun is sat in the sky smiling down, this place looks so familiar but it can’t be real... can it?
I pinch my arm hard and stand up, ouch! I did feel that I can’t be dreaming... what on earth? How did I get here? This is exactly what I wrote in my book, about bounce land about the rabbits and the balloons and the jumping humans who move like frogs, how did I get here and how do I get home?
I briskly walk down the pink path that leads to the village, well it did in my story, I have cherry waves from the jumping humans... then I spot something, this could be the answer! I walk over and pull back the shower curtain joining two curtains to the alley between the bright yellow and orange roof cottages, that were round and pristine inside and out, I tried down the path bending down looking for the key, if this is the story I wrote then this is the answer...
I grab the key that i had placed behind a soft brick and I take it to the only person that can save me, dr who-sin , he will know what to do, Pulling the curtain to the side and running full pelt down the pink path round the grand water fountain and through the tunnel leading to the dark woods, I run as fast as I can into the deep long grass and search for the trap door where I will find my answers.
I search for what felt like hours, I wrote the silly book why can’t I find what I’m looking for!, I sit down, I’m ready to sleep I must of been up hours now, I am still not sure I’m not in a coma, but hey worrying won’t get me home in time for my deadline! “HELLO”booms a loud voice making me jump into the air further than I knew possible, “WHO ARE YOU? Your not from around here!” I get my breath back and I spin around looking for the voice,” where are you?” “Down here, stupid” isn’t this your book you should know! I look down and a annoyed little man is staring at me waving his ant sized stick and peering over the top of his spectacles, he is dressed in green with a long black beard trailing down to his knees, ah mister whosin finally I found you I sigh relived I need your help! I fell down the stairs and well somehow I’ve ended up here. Mr whosin glared at me then rolled his eyes, you didn’t fall, you silly girl I pushed you!
Why would you do that, my mouth drops open I. Shock, “to bring you here of course” I needed you to see what you were doing..
What I was doing? I asked confused and a bit annoyed that he openly admitted pushing me down the stairs, how did he even push me he’s tiny!! What do you need I say? What is wrong with my book... it looks lovely here I say gazing around and smiling to myself, “LOVELY?” Gosh he has a loud voice for a tiny fella I think to my self covering my ear, “you call this lovely?”
I push open the door and stepped outside flinging my handbag over my arm and tilting forward my glasses to peer over the top I noticed my friend leaning against the cold hard brick wall. Samantha I cry how are you darling? Stepping delicately on my new heels I picked up on the way and pressing the lock key on the Mercedes behind me, as she walks over to me her long blonde hair swaying and her, perfect nails grab my arms as she pulls me in and gives me a kiss on both cheeks “ how long has it been?” She exclaims, look at this dump! Not wanting to give up character I roll my eyes and follow suite as she waltz’s into the open door of the gym, ugh nothing worse than the smell of sweaty gym clothes in a giant container for lost property.
Samantha walks around with disgust I can’t believe we were forced to learn in these conditions, what was daddy thinking? I look at her as she strolls around in the corridor looking at the pictures of old classes on the walls, a trophy cabinet to the right side filled with trophy’s not one that Samantha hadn’t won previously she was perfect at everything, not like me..
It’s funny in school I always imagined it would Be me who would get the good job and husband and family life, but here I am 26, working in a supermarket, living in my tiny flat with just my cat kibbles for company, I’m so glad that Samantha doesn’t know, she would not be here with me if she did!, she has the life I always dreamed of a handsome husband 3 perfect Children, a chihuahua puppy and a gorgeous 3 bed cottage on the outskirts of Devon.
Oh Rachel I forgot to ask you, how is Simon? Is he treating you like the princess you are? I can feel myself going red as she turns and I can feel her stare burning into my soul, I cough, oh yes all good he’s talking about taking me to Rome next weekend as he is taking some time off, with all the money he’s made he doesn’t need to be there and he’s gone and brought me a beautiful new suite for our front room it looks divine with gorgeous velvet cushions and a brand new pouffe to match, he really is such a perfect husband Wonderful just wonderful Samantha exclaims smiling broadly,”just like Jacob he’s the same, but with us doing up the cottage before moving in I had it just perfect before I moved In!” We carry on walking up the stairs to the ICT rooms, I’m so glad she’s not listening properly, what on Earth did I ramble on like that for I never have been a good liar!
This place has so many memories, I thought they were good but I know Samantha wouldn’t agree so I look around smiling to myself.
