The wings of a butterfly Lay crumpled at my feet My heart begs to live But I won’t let it beat

Because somewhere in this great big world Somewhere your body lays And until I get to bury you I’m gonna keep digging that grave

Fly me away on your wings of ivory Don’t leave me to this earth With my soiled-stained feet And a soul drained of mirth

If only I could have something of you To hear your voice so sweet But only the wings of a butterfly Lay crumpled at my feet

(One of my drafts.. haven’t posted since August so I guess.. IM BACK 😛)

They say that dust is largely human detritus A buildup of the wake of microscopic entropy Trailing behind each one of us.

Regardless of decomposition, of further entropic breakdown Some of these little pieces and some even smaller Have surely settled into the places you’ve been- Or have been borne up on the currents of the wind, fated to circle the earth until the sun explodes. In both cases, a sort of cellular signature, a DNA coded message that you were here once, that part of you is still here.

I visit all of the places we went together, hoping to find those little affirmations of your prior material existence. Hoping against reason that if I find enough of them, I can somehow reconstruct you A golem made of dust A version of you made up of the things you left behind.

And everywhere I go, a trail of dust follows.

I’ve been crying a lot lately But only in my head A grief unborn

Like a leaky gas main That travels underground Snaking its way through life

Destruction unseen If I can’t feel it Does it really exist?

Can I weather The lurking tidal wave Will the dam hold?

An escaped tear A sigh Then back to the bargaining table

Maybe time isn’t real What if in another dimension Another reality

I can’t help but ask Did you suffer too much? Could I have…

But only silence ensues Ugly as that final death rattle I am angry now

Life isn’t fair I wasn’t ready Fate gives you no warnings

The brutality of this battle A legion of sorrow Death is so final

No hypotheticals The unanswered questions Must rest in peace

Sadness I have so much sad in me Born with sadness in my veins It’s the only stable thing that goes through me Flowing back and forth my body Sadness is always there Under every happy moment There is a sadness One I can not describe For it is always there When I get sad it comes in waves But not small ones Tsunami waves crashing inside my head Rocking my brain and spilling out of my eyes My sadness is like an ocean Never trying rocking the boat, but being unstable since the beginning My sadness comes It does not go No matter how much I ask, using my best manners my mother taught It stays, taking a permanent residence in my mind The days I feel sad I feel it more than anything Not being able to get up or out anywhere Because of the storm inside my mind It manifests in everything In anger In joy In embarrassment I have to go silent when it happens Or else my eyes form a storm That won’t stop raining for anything or anyone Even the softest smile Biting my tongue so tears don’t spill when I talk And talking about it doesn’t help Telling people the small colors of a wide ocean One that keeps on wanting, and taking, and growing The one night they said I said something mean Something I would never say Because I care too much for my own good, and for theirs I threw a rock for an hour In between my hands, at first in anger, then in sadness Feeling like I could repress it, to stop the crying To stop the weight on my shoulders that just keeps growing Throwing it in my hands to try to make a pain One that will take away my feelings Even thought I was told I look menacing I wasn’t speaking to anyone To stop the tears I pushed them away In fear of crying Looking weak in front of people I have a hard time talking to because of anxiety I thought they hated me I gripped the rock hard that I had dents in my hands I would throw the rock, trying to throw my emotions alongside But the longer I repress them the longer I cry The more my emotions grow I cried into her for a long time Worried to much about what other people thought When they were wondering if I was okay I cried because I pushed her away I cried because I was born to Because my body had sadness in its blood Because I feel things more than others Things I can not express

She’s gone? No. This can’t be. I saw her not two days ago. I haven’t even said goodbye. I must do that first. Fix what I said and did on that Friday.

But she is. Maybe there’s something I can do? A soul for a soul. Take me instead.

It’s all my fault. Maybe if I did something different? Maybe if I never even knew her in the first place.

She’s gone. Tears are all I know. I’m drowning in sadness. I’ll never hear her voice again, or feel her warm embrace. I’ll never hug anyone ever again.

She’s in a better place. Well at least that’s what they say. I know she’s gone but that’s a hole I can never replace.

Why . . . I thought you loved me I thought I found my way back I am . . . Was finally me The true me And now you’re taking that away Why . . . What did I do? What have I done? How many times can I ask for forgiveness Before you start listening How many times must I tell myself this is not true? What do you want me to do?

I loved my life Wait that’s a lie I didn’t love it I tolerated it I begged it to let me free I was locked away All my life Shut behind a door Forced to watch what could have been mine float away And now . . . Here I am Still locked away Still wishing for a change Except this time I have a key I have a way out

This isn’t accepting a gift or smile from an enemy This is leaving This is the end This is the moment my story is told I’ll never forget what you’ve done Or how many times I’ve fought for acceptance I guess now it’s time Time for me to accept my key The way out

They say this is the last stage of life, of grief It’s like that moment where you find what you’ve been searching for Metaphorically or literally it doesn’t really matter anymore Not to me anyway I feel it today I feel it’s the best day to stop Breathing Existing Living Maybe I’m wrong But if I am it won’t really matter, will it?

I can’t be wrong anymore I can’t be right anymore I can’t be locked away I don’t need to keep searching for my way out

Because it’s here Right in front of me This knife This shinny key And the door, my wrist, my heart The door to let me escape

And now As I lift the knife Shaking slowly as I stare at my broken soul I whisper to myself The only person who ever listened “It’s okay,” I whisper “You’re free now”

Hey, I’m pretty tired today from an exam, but I have a poem about this that I made a while ago called “your sweater” it’s one of my favorite pieces.

Trouble with grief, Is that we don’t know, When it ends, Just when it starts, This overwhelming, Feeling of pure loss, That only we know, It starts you think, And then your heart begins to sink, And then throe, After throe, Of stormy seas, When will it cease, Only our heart will show, Us the ebb and flow. Be with it child, As if a fire wild, Let it burn you, Till you are through, So you can stand, Tears in the palm of your hand, Saying, Smiling, pining, For a peace once taken.

…

Love you R

…

🖤

I have had enough, Of the loss, This grief, I am tired of this death. Of this wave, After wave Of mourning I am tired of dealing With this sadness, After all, Is this normal, To drown this way, Lungs filled with grief Not water or air Just silence, Muted By death. No more Till I break…

…

Love you R

…

🖤

All those years of loving denial You had me fooled Soul now in a state of survival My emotions have cooled As I have exposed all your lies All your dirty little secrets You tried to hide from my eyes Might advertise on a leaflet Give away soul destroyer for free Doubt anyone would want him When they realise what he did to me Surviving this part of my life Is a heavy weight to bear I really loved being his wife Now I’ve got no one to care How does one climb out of this hole To build a life once more To rise again and be whole To find someone to adore It feels like it will never happen I will die alone All on my own.