I never really knew what a platonic relationship meant. I understood it meant “just friends”. But a platonic relationship is built on emotional support and respect, all for which you don’t have for me. It’s platonic until you say so. Until you desire the borders of a relationship but never an actual one. Dipping your toes in the water to never actually get in. You try to drag me into this delusion that we can add the benefits to our so called friendship. But what benefits are there if you don’t respect me as a women, as a friend, as a person. The only benefit you get is tasting how much i love. Something that you lack in your life. Platonic establishes trust, support, and respect among two people. But for us it was a bridge that when i tried to cross, it snapped. I always had to be there for you, but when i needed you, you were never there. No trust. No support. No respect. No benefits. No friend. You’ll never find a lover if you keep believing you see them as platonic. You are incapable of commitment. Not just to a lover but to a friend. The word platonic is as shaky as the tectonic plates in the earth that cause the world to shake. Your world will shake until it crashes down. You will have nothing left. No lover. No friend. No me.

Nothing compares to how much I love you.

Every inch of you is perfect.

The way your tail flicks with excitement whenever you see me.

How your eyes speak what you can’t say.

How you wiggle and jump when you’re excited.

I couldn’t imagine anything better than seeing you when I walk in the door.

The room was quiet and small. Small in the cozy way, the way that makes you feel like you’re wrapped in a hug. I left a small lamp on for you so you weren’t in the dark, a tangle of blankets in your bed. It took me a moment to spot you underneath the cozy pile.

Your tail wagged so much your body started to shake as you loped over to me. I leaned down and scratched behind your ear, your favorite spot.

“Do you want some food, love?” I asked. You licked your lips in excitement and skidded across the slippery tiled floor.

I watched you run, knowing nothing could compare to what you give me.

Something to be excited for.

Something to want to do.

I come back from work.

You greet me.

I feed you.

We play.

We snuggle on the couch.

It’s something I’ve gotten used to doing, it’s more than a routine.

It’s my life.

It’s our life.

And I couldn’t imagine anything better.

“Hold up! I see something, gimme a minute."

"What are you— WOAH AVERY, NO—"

The maniac proceeded to step on my shoulder. Does she even realize she’s like what? A hundred pounds? Why did I think it was a good idea to clean the attic together?

"Relax, Alex. I’ll be fine" She put her another foot, squatting on my shoulders.

"But I’m not!" I squirmed, "You know you’re quite heavy, don’t you?"

"Whatever, skinny bones” she murmured.

“I HEARD THAT!”

Friend A word that’s already finished What a funny conduit A consummate of cosplaying Connection as Accomplishment If your able to collaborate With your friend you will congregate To put a label on your fable A tag to legitimize your con Created in credit On an account thats indebted Tip the table on your friend To make conversation for leverage Until your latter dominance Brings out the half of friend Put a label on what you love For ease, define it If you know what your heart beats for Than tell it to do so Put a name upon your feelings So for others you can show Ultimately It’s your decision As to why you make a friend Do you desire real connections Or desire a means to an end? Do you want to empower yourself Step on people like their stones? Or does “friend” feel like a way For your heart to feel at home?

Does end for you

Mean

You’ll no longer feel alone?

People piss me off. I’ve made excuses for other people for so long. I’m done with that. I’m done with hating myself for the way that I feel. I am entitled to hate whoever I want to. Especially when it’s fucking justified.

I am done. I am done with guilting myself, With gaslighting myself, With lying to myself. I am done protecting her. She doesn’t need a shield. She uses people as them anyways. Let her be out in the open For when the fire comes raining down.

Nothing I think, Nothing you say, Could change the fact that she’s a horrible person. That she did horrible things to me. You can’t take that away from me. You can’t take my mind. You can’t take my mind. For once in my life, My mind is fucking mine.

And no one Is getting in there.

I hate you. I think I hate you more than my body can handle. I want to destroy you. Then I want to forget you. But I want to destroy you first.

I feel guilty for that, Until I don’t. I think I’m tired of feeling guilty. You are the villain in this story after all.

Will I ever stop being angry? It’s not like you can change. Some people just are the way that they are. You will never have my forgiveness. I don’t care how long you might beg. Forgiveness is a curse, But to forget would be a gift. The sweetest gift.

Why are you so nice to me? I thought to myself When my friend’s show that they care Like everyone else

Why do I doubt And why was I shy? When there are no lies between their eyes Not hidden beneath Like the dirt that’s under their feet Unlike the soil I had once longed to meet

No more do I keep score Of story telling lore Trying to one up each other that’s not very mature And secrets we keep How I once longed to be your friend That’s when I knew I made it when I stopped counting to ten

Be nice to yourself I heard her say As I stood there awestruck Waiting for the day When I thought kindness was earned and not to be paid out like a scheme that was meant to be unethically mean And when did I stop being so unkind to myself Like a hurricane that crashing down on itself

Before my heart turned black It was soft and pink like bubblegum still stuck in its pack When I held expectations of people But they could not run And life isn’t fair there are no games to be won When everyone sometimes seems so incredibly cruel Kindness was meant to be used as more than a tool

I miss her sometimes. She was a good friend. We were there for each other in the hard times. We only knew each other in the hard times. It’s easy to bond over that. But I don’t think we would’ve needed it. But she was so sweet and kind And easy to talk to. We bonded over Olivia Rodrigo. I taught her how to make paper cranes And she made an army to rival my own. I made her a particularly special one the day she was crying. It had a little note on the wing, Telling her she was loved, Signed off by me.

I never got to say goodbye, So It comforts me that she has it now. I may just have the memories, But I can hold onto them. And I hold onto this faint little hope in my heart, That I’ll see her again. At that concert in December, Or at a tournament for the debate team. I doubt it, But that’s okay. I’m comfortable with what I have.

I know I’m just being paranoid, But it’s been a full day, No responses, Not even to say “No, sorry” And that’s not like them. What happened at that party? I wasn’t able to come. Did something change? Did they all come to the realisation that they hate me? Is this how it ends? So quick, So suddenly? What did I do? Was it nothing, Was it everything? Is this the end? How did we get here so fast? I tell myself that I’ll be okay without them/, But it’s such a relief when my fears amount to nothing.

My friends chose me. Isn’t that crazy? Isn’t it crazy that they care for me? Sometimes I can hardly believe it.

And they love me. They don’t judge me. Isn’t that kind of weird? Suspicious? It’s not. That’s the crazy part. I can be myself around them. I can trust them. And it’s sad that this is new for me, That I haven’t known the feeling in a while. But it’s not weird that I’m happy. It’s not weird that they like me. I’m a good person. I deserve to be around good people just like this.

I’m a little crazy. I get in my head a lot. But it isn’t my fault. I’m working through some stuff. A lot of my current fears are just trauma responses. I still get nervous about whether I can call it that.

So I stick with my real friends. And I occasionally have to remind myself that I don’t need to be scared with them. Because unlike other people, They’ve proved it to me. Time and time again.