Charlie, you will probably never read this, but I have to get these thoughts out of my head.

1. It kills me every time you laugh at me. I know you’re mostly laughing at the situation, but for some reason I can’t take it. I’d rather you be completely solemn toward me for the rest of my life than see you stifle a laugh that is about something I am or did.

2. Why can’t you stop looking at your phone and just be my sister? I miss the days before you had a phone. We played so many silly games and read to each other and made up new snacks. Now you just look at your phone.

3. I love you

“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.” I say in a very serious way. I watch as Aimee continues to paint her nails with such focus and patients. she dips the brush back into the bottle, still not looking at me.

“What is it Kara? Is this about that rash?” She lightly begins to blow on her pink nails. I sigh. “God no! and that went away thank you.” “Well get out.” Aimee shoos me towards the door. “can you just look at me for two seconds. I need to talk to you.”
“Can’t you see I’m doing something. talk to mom.” I throw the purple teddy bear sitting on her floor, hitting Aimee right in the head.

“Fuck okay. Okay. You have my attention.” “Promise you won’t laugh.”

“Kara.” “Aimee.” “Fine I promise.” I pull my hair back revealing my truth. “HOLY SHIT. What did you do!” Aimee reaches out and touches the big bruise on my forehead. her touch feels hard and it makes my face suddenly begins to burn. “Okay how the hell did you do this.”

“I was trying to talk to Andre about homecoming, and as I was trying to get his attention I face planted in front of our entire gym class and a rubber ball hit me in my face. “

Aimee holds her breathe and exhales really quickly. “I can see the lines…from the ball. Jesus.”

She begins to laugh.

“ITS NOT FUNNY! Andre saw it.” “Fuck I’m sorry.” “I couldn’t see, Halle had to walk me to the nurse it was so terrible. Everybody was laughing.”

Aimee pulls me in for hug, and squeezes me tight. silent tears roll down my cheeks, my face begins to sting even more.

I sniffle. “I need help covering this. it just looks even more stupid.”

Aimee takes a towel off her bed and dabs my face. The foundation comes off and she chuckles again.

“Sorry I’m trying it’s just this foundation does not work for this type of thing.”

she takes me into the bathroom and puts a cold rag on my face.

“I will make sure it’s covered, did you even get to ask him to homecoming?”

“No i was too embarrassed. How can I recover from that.”

“Two days from now, he should forget about it.”

“Ugh great.”

“Just hold still.”

“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.” I say clutching my heart and soul, that are etched onto notebook paper, snug to my chest.

“I would never laugh at you my love, let me see what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours” My boyfriend pulls me closer to him in a soft, comforting embrace.

We are currently sitting on a merry-go-round at a park, at 2am. We drunkingly stumbled our way here from our house that’s only five blocks away. We like to come here and watch the stars and just talk about any and everything. We’ve had this tradition since the first night we met five years ago. Even after all this time, I still get nervous around him. He has always stuck by me no matter what, he has never judged me for anything, and he embraces my flaws.

I’m afraid of how he’ll feel after he reads what my soul aches for. I don’t wanna ruin the blissful bubble we have with us. It’s inevitable after tonight.

It’s dark and chilly, it’s the peak of fall so its a crisp cold where you can see you’re breath but warm enough to be comfortable in a hoodie and leggings. I sigh as the autumn air breezes through my long, wavy hair. I love autumn nights, it’s a different kind of feeling. It’s breathtaking with all the intricate colors on the changing fallen leaves. The night sky casting a soft glow around and throughout the park.

After fidgeting with my fingers and pulling on my hoodie strings. I get the courage to finally say something “ I don’t wanna ruin us, I love us, and I love you, but I’m scared of what will happen if you read these pages” I say looking down at the bolts that are peaking out from the neon blue metal on the merry-go-round. I can’t look at him, I know it’ll break his heart. It’ll break my heart. I squeeze the notebook with a white knuckled grip.

“Please, let me see, there’s nothing you could say or do that will make me stop loving you, even if i wanted to, i would never stop loving and caring for you, I promise” he says while turning me to look at him, when he’s done speaking he places a gentle kiss on my forehead and nudges towards the notebook that had fallen to my lap when he kissed me.

He has that effect on me, no matter what is going on in the universe, he holds me and kisses me and i just melt away and all my worries and troubles get on the first train outta town. That’s all gonna change once he reads the first page.

I give him a lingering, passionate kiss before reluctantly handing over my notebook that contains all my inner demons, dreams, desires, fantasies, and confessions. Gently, he takes it from my hands and gives me one more kiss on the forehead before opening to the first page.

I turn around on his lap because i don’t wanna see his face when he reads what I’ve written. I feel him relax his arms onto my legs as he holds the notebook in front of both of us.

I take the deepest breath I’ve ever taken, close my eyes, then exhale and open my eyes to start reading the piece of work that will tear our lives apart.

_My Garden _ __ _My Garden is home to many beautiful flowers _ And one special Oak Tree _The Oak tree, although only planted five years ago _ _Has become the focal point of my garden _ _Strong, resilient, brave, loyal, loving _ I love my oak tree _Before the oak tree i had a few other trees _ _They just never thrived in my garden _ _That’s okay, i just didn’t have the right tools to tend to them _ _In between tree’s i tend special care to my flowers _ All different kinds of stunning flowers; _Roses, Tulips, Hibiscus, Lilies, Lavendar _ _The list goes on _ _These flowers are strong, beautiful, sweet, caring, nurturing, thoughtful _ _All the things a gardener wants in an everlasting garden _ _She has the most fun tending to her flowers, _ _She yearns to explore more with flowers and all their delicate parts that mirror her own _ _She loves the oak tree, she doesn’t want anything bad to happen or to have it leave her life _ But the tree, can never be a flower And she can never have her own tiny garden helpers if she doesn’t have a tree in her garden _I love my oak tree, he is perfect and my absolute bestfriend _ _I also love my flowers, they’re as breath taking and captavating as woman _ I can’t have both _But i can’t live without either of them _ __ __ __ There’s a long pause after he reads the final lines. It feels like eons pass before he clears his throat. He sits there, frozen as an ice cap. After a few moments he gently guides me off of his lap so he can stand up.

He starts walking away from me to the other side of the playground. I’m too stunned to speak, i don’t know what to say to him, I barely know what to make of that myself. I never want to hurt him, but its too late for that.

“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.” No that’s not it, so cringy. “Don’t tell anyone.” No. Not that either. “I have something to tell you. Just don’t freak out.” Yep that’s the one. I practice this line over and over again for five minutes in the school bathroom right across from the cafeteria. It’s Friday so this is my last chance until next week. As I walk back into class I see her standing there, her eyes wide and soulful, her hair falling just below her shoulders, dirty blonde and wavy, and her glasses, tan and black around the rim. She’s beautiful, and she’s my best friend. This is going to be more difficult than I thought.

“Hey, Lily!” I wave at her as I walk closer to where she’s sitting. “Oh hey, Avery! What’s up?” She responds with. Her voice gentle and sweet. I look at the clock, it reads 2:23. Two minutes until we leave. Better get this over with. “Um… I have something to uh, tell you. Just don’t freak out okay?” I say nervously fidgeting with my beaded necklace, I meet her eyes and then panic. “Oh ok, what is it?” She’s listening. Oh she’s listening, I have to say something, anything. Don’t just stand there you idiot! “Um well,” the bell cuts me off. “Oh sorry tell me Monday, come on let’s go.” She says already walking ahead of me.

“I like you.” I blurt it out before I even have time to think about it. My face is burning red already. That was so embarrassing. I had to turn it around.

“Really?” Lily sounds half hopeful and half confused. “No sorry, it was just a dare.” I laugh nervously and look down. I practiced all that time just to chicken out? When we get outside I am about to head to my car and Lily, to the bus. Now my chance is gone for sure. I’ll just tell her Monday, it’s okay.

“See you Monday, Lily!” She hugs me and walks off to the bus as she says to me without turning around, “Tell your mom I said hello!” “Ok I will!” But I didn’t and I regret it.

I’m about to leave for school on Monday morning when I get a call from my mom. “Honey? Lily’s gone. She died in a car crash.”

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Tears soak my hoodie sleeve. So many sorrys, so many looks and whispers from people I haven’t talked to in years. So many tears. I just wanted to skip. I was going to tell her everything today, but now I’ll never be able to. It’s not like she’s just on vacation, or sick and off school, she’s really gone. I start crying again and hurry to the bathroom where I had thought about and practiced those lines for hours and sobbed. “I love you Lily. I’ve always loved you even if you didn’t feel the same way.” I finally say it but alas it’s no use. She’ll never hear those words. The ones I’ve been trying to tell her since fourth grade.

I love you.

Hey, just hear me out, won't you please? Promise me, no laughter, no tease. I'm laying it bare, my heart on display, In this moment, let judgment stay away.

I'll spill my guts, my fears and dreams, In this real talk, nothing's as it seems. Promise me, in your eyes, no mockery, Just sincerity, a raw kind of honesty.

Hold my words, handle with care, Let's make a pact, a promise we wear. Through the laughs and moments sweet, Promise me, in this journey, we meet.

“promise me,” I always say, “you won’t laugh.”

when there is no point in doing so

in the end, whatever they swear, they always laugh

maybe it’s a snicker or perhaps a sneer

you tell me to shut up when I share my insecurities I’m not sure

if you think this is you being a good friend

if you think that it’s funny after I spill my heart to you

what do you mean, you can’t be friends

with people who don’t like how they look? is this how you act

after someone opens up to you?

though now there’s no need for you to worry

I don’t need no friend like you

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you I like pink

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you I’m a nerd

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you the way my mind thinks

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you every single thing I fear

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you how much sleep I’ve lost

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you how many demons I’ve fought

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you every choice I’ve made

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you every consequence I’ve faced

Promise me you won’t laugh at me If I tell you I lost myself somewhere

Promise me you won’t laugh at me When I let myself open up to you

Promise you won’t laugh at me When I hope you’ll love me despite it all

-eap

(Promise me you won’t laugh, because this is how my sleep goes…more like my dreams, a bit of my dream is foggy, it’s a bit odd how I remember most of it, but parts I don’t remember, I’ll improvise, now grab your popcorn and drinks lady’s and gentlemen, and we’re off on this very odd rollercoaster of a dream. The beginning is half made up since I really don’t remember it…)

Main Character: Dakota Farreway Age: 15 (very original, right? Never mind, that’s where I got the name for my other story)

It was around noon when the elders announced a gathering in the far east corner of our large camp. It was only for adults, so of course, I wanted to see. I made my way there in secret, no one seeing me hide. I found the perfect bush, hiding in it, I was amongst branches and vines, thorns and twigs. As I got settled the meeting began, everyone quieting down, only nosies were of breathing and whispers. All I could see from my ‘last row seat’ was a couple elderly men’s backs, but I could hear everything. “The water has come back, but be sure to purify it before drinking, don’t tell your children about this, since it will only scare them into not drinking it,” The elders’ said, it was really not interesting, but what did I care. As soon as they finished the meeting after a few more comments and announcements I exited the bush. The second I exited the bush from behind, I was intercepted by a tall boy, a few years older than me. “Dakota, Dakota,” He said, making me cringe, “What were you doing, spying on the elders’ meeting? That’s forbidden, right?” “Oh, come on Hunter, it’s not like you didn’t,” I said, and he was taken aback. “Whatever, me and my friends will bring you back to the children’s hut, make sure you don’t go anywhere,” He said as his friends appeared from around me, around five of them. 2 girls, 3 boys, including Hunter. We took the back-trail, like a back-road, just a trail where barely anyone goes. Grass had begun to grow up in the middle where wheels never ran on. It was quiet, other than the others talking about family things. When we made it to the fork, we waited just in case anyone came hauling down in one of the old military jeeps, but no one did. Just as we were about to go, one of the largest horses came around the corner. It’s eye as big as my head, and it had horns!! Horns I tell you. The horns had to be bigger than a long horns…like two, large, twin curves or pure bone, probably bigger than my leg! It was also black and gray, almost pretty. It had two other horses trailing behind it, they were smaller, yes. But still large compared to the regular horses you see now-a-days. Their colors were separate. One of them was gray, one was black. We had to go the way they were headed, so we did. We named them along the way, the gray one Smokes, the black one Black Beauty, and the mom one, well, mom. As we walked though, one of Hunters goonies, decided they were brave, and went up and slapped Black Beauty on her butt, causing her to scare. Making all of them spooked. Not a good thing when the smaller ones are taller than you just at their back.

                   (Will be continued
                       Of course🙃)

Promise you won’t laugh at me Promise you won’t judge Got this story memorised Ain’t it sweet as fudge? Imagine perfection Cotton candy life Things make sense Exist without strife… Well This story I spin In my head It’s so perfect Makes me wanna be dead Cause the gods are so gentle I sleep in peace Cause these fucking thoughts Never cease But in this world Mental illness don’t exist No arguments fights No traumas persist ‘Nd so I weave this tale Sweet as can be Plan for the day I’ll finally be free But nothing lives up Nothing compares To this made up myth Up endless stairs I climb and climb Till I reach the top Then jump to it Falling, I don’t stop.

Promise you won’t laugh at me? I can hear them cackling. Flames below are crackling. Hades licks my fucking feet.

I come here to get away, If I don’t I’ll go astray. I can translate what they say: ‘Burn your faith and turn to me.’

Sometimes I just burst in flames, Igniting as I take the blame. Those voices, they all sound the same. They call me all - all but my name.

Maybe I should hear ‘em out? See what all the fuss’s about? You say I should let them go? What if they’re my only hope?

What if I just take a canvas, Paint it black - search it for answers? I could shred it into pieces, Give it to ‘em - try repentance?

I swear that my mind’s a reaper. I know that it’s me that killed her. I don’t have the time to feel it. This is my last line - please kill it.

This line shows you I tells lies. This line has got pickle pies. What’s that sound? Please don’t be daft. I thought you promised not to laugh?