A curled fist comes swinging in my direction and makes contact with my cheek. I glare up at him and spit out blood, vowing to give him few marks before I escape. Permanent ones. Not that is would matter a whole lot. He’s ugly both inside and out. “Well now, thats hardly fair. I can’t exactly use my arms to defend myself.” I tell him sarcastically and nod towards my cuffed up wrists. He mockingly chuckles, “Wasn’t fair when you betrayed us either, sweetheart.” He says before going in for another punch. I crane my head away in a pathetic attempt to dodge his blow and squeeze my eyelids shut, bracing myself for an attack. One second….two….three…..

Nothing. I slowly open my eyes to see that _he saved me. Even after he knows what I’ve done to him and his group. “Sorry, man, you’ll have a massive headache when you wake up.” He says before knocking his friend out and turning towards me, giving me an emotionless smirk, “Gotta hand it to you, you did an impeccable job convincing me of your loyalties. I was almost believing you. Quite a shame that you work for the government. We could’ve used you around here.” He tells me and I think I would rather have him angry than numb. Anything at all would be better. I scramble to make him understand, to make him realize what they threatened to do if I didn’t gather information on the rebel group. “Listen Axel, I had to do it, okay? You just don’t get it, they were-“ I start to say but he cuts me off, “You’re right I don’t understand. You lied to my face. _You told me you loved me while going behind my back, Emia.” He pauses as if he’s processing something then aggressively runs his hands through his hair saying, “I bet that's not even your real name, is it?” “No.” I mumble, suddenly very interested in the floor and waiting for him to say something. Anything “You realize if your letter reaches the government, people are going to die.” He says finally, acting as if I didnt know already. But I did. And I still sent it because of my own selfish reasons. Because my only family would die if I didn’t. Because I chose her over them. I nod, my gaze still directed elsewhere. “Did you ever mean it?” He questions and my head snaps up “What?” “Was any of it real, Emia?” He asks again and I want to tell him the truth. That it was. That my feelings was an act at first but blossomed into something true and magical. But we live two different worlds. And If I said yes, I would be putting him into my world. And there’s enough people in danger because of me. And so, I must lie. “Once, yes. But only once.” Okay… Not the best lie. Could’ve just said no, but this is the closest I can bring myself to do.

"You used to tell me you loved me." I say nothing. Do nothing. "Did you ever mean it?" The emotion in Ayla's voice does nothing to me. There was a time when it would set my heart on fire. "Once, yes. I loved you once, but only once." I expected to see tears welling in Ayla's eyes, but instead her teeth clenched. "I never believed you, anyway." "Don't lie," I shake my head. "I may not love you, but I can still read you like a book." Who does this woman believe she is? I know every detail about every version of herself she has ever been. Still, no tears well within her eyes. Instead, hate - or is that disgust? - flickers over her face. "If that's the case, I'd like you to do something for me." "What might that be?" "Burn me to ashes," her voice is rising now, the emotion hanging in the air between us. "You've already poured ink over all my pages. I've become indecipherable. Just burn me. Burn me until there's nothing left of me you recognize." I say nothing. Do nothing. "Go on!" Ayla's hand raises and I can tell she aims to hurt me. I back away in time to miss her swing, which infuriates her all the more. As she raises her hand once more, I grip her wrist and twist, knocking her to her feet. "I can't burn what's already on fire." I say as I step over her body.

Is this finally happening? The man who made my life hell for as long as I can remember is dying in my arms.

I used to daydream about how he would die. I used to wonder if he would be in pain when it happened. Would it hurt as much as he hurt me? Every insult hurled at me, every slap across my face, every sinister grin flashed at me, all of it fueled my hatred for him. I hoped for nothing more than to be present for the moment his evil soul left this earth. Being responsible for it would be icing on the cake. So why now, as his weakened body lays in my arms gasping for air, am I feeling sad?

I hate this man, but seeing his face get paler by the minute as the blood drains out of him, makes me scared for him. He is responsible for so much pain and torture and heartache. I should not feel sorry for him. But he looks nervous.

“You used to say all the time that I was your favorite.” He slowly looks up at me, wincing as he tries to adjust his position. “Yes, I did.” He barely gets the words out.

“Did you ever mean it?” Silence lingers in the air. He stares at me with a contemplative expression, almost like he’s trying to decide in the moment whether he meant those words or not.

“Once, yes. But only once.” He looks relieved at his confession.

“When?” I choke back tears of anger, “When did you mean it?” I don’t want to give him the power of knowing that I still care about his opinion of me, but this may be the last moment I have with him. I need to know if everything I ever believed was a lie.

“The day you left.” He manages a small grin, “That was the moment when you finally made a decision for yourself. I knew from the beginning you were too strong for me. That’s why I held such a tight grip on you.” I can’t tell if the pain in his face is from his body approaching death or from him finally being honest with me. “But I knew it wouldn’t last. So when you left, I was beaming with pride, because I was right. I knew that’s what you were always meant to do. I saw what you were supposed to be- an obnoxious pain in my ass. You were my favorite when you decided you were ready for it.”

He begins to smile, but it’s cut short as he coughs up blood onto his shirt. Both of us knowing that he’ll be dead any second, we choose to sit in silence. His breathing becomes more strained and less frequent. I watch as his eyes slowly lose their life.

“I forgive you.” The words surprise me as much as they surprise him. He finds my eyes again and in the moment they meet, he breathes his last.

I can’t stop myself from wanting Maisie. I’ve tried to keep our relationship from forming but nothing ever turns out the way you want unless you truly do want it that way.

Was it wrong for me to connect with Maisie? Should I have just left it alone, like the rest of the people who get into car accidents? They don’t fall in love with the girl they hit, they move on.

So why can’t I? I can’t pretend like I never met Maisie because I can’t even remember what my life was like before.

Maisie’s the kind of girl I’ve always imagined spending the rest of my life with. And if I wasn’t lying to her about the crash then everything would be perfect.

But I’m not living in a world where everything falls into my arms. I’m living in a world where the girl I’m crazy about is the girl who’s life I’ve ruined.

I sigh as a soft breeze washes over my face. The old bench creaks as I shift and lean against the rotting wood.

Just last night I was sitting here, just last night I told Maisie I loved her. And I’m still in the same circle I’ve been in for five months. You can’t love Maisie, but you can’t not love her. You have to make up for what you’ve done.

“Can we talk?”

I look up as Maisie takes a seat on the bench next to me.

I nod, my heart skipping a beat as she brushes a loose strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. Gosh I really love this girl.

“Everything that’s happened in the last few days,” Maisie meets my eyes. “I wouldn’t change a single thing.”

If you knew the truth I bet you would. A lump forms in my throat as I swallow.

“Except for what happened last night,” Maisie looks out at the city lights that are sparkling under us. “I love you too.”

Why can’t she just slap me? I killed her mom and I’m lying to her. And she loves me . . . It’s what I’ve always wanted.

“I don’t think it’s right,” I force my tears to stay where they belong. “I’m sorry.”

Maisie nods once, her eyes still on the lights. “I don’t really care what’s right or wrong.” She whispers, flicking her eyes to mine. “I just cares about you.”

I hate this! I just want to be able to love Maisie. I want to hold her and never let her go. I want to tell her the truth . . . I need to.

“I need to tell you something,” I blurt out, Maisie’s blue eyes glowing from the light of the moon.

Maisie flashes a small, warm smile. “You can tell me anything.”

I know I can, but I can’t tell you this.

I sigh quietly, shutting my eyes. “I . . . Love you too.”

Maisie scoots closer leaning her head gently against my shoulder. “I know.”

“I went to hell and back, alone! For you!” Deven yelled. She had dagger held to his throat. He didn’t care anymore. Tears were falling down his face. “I didn’t mean for it to go like this. Dev, I-“ “Don’t call me Dev. You are holding a dagger to my throat. The love of my life who I thought was who I loved. When you said you loved me…did you ever mean it?” Devens voice broke. “Once yes. But only once.” She said with a broken look in her eyes. “When?” Deven asked. “The last time I said it. Im sorry deven. I didn’t mean to fall in love. It-“ “I understand, go finish it. I won’t keep you.” Deven smiled letting tears dry, he was loved once. At least he will die knowing so. “I love you Deven.”

(Finally I found a prompt that fits this story lol)

I hold my hand over the door, about to knock, but I pause. All I want to do right now is see Arizona’s face, and make sure she’s ok. Still, I hesitate.

What if she doesn’t remember me?

What if dad moved away and brought her with him?

What if dad answers the door?

And finally, the most terrifying one, what if she hates me for leaving her?

Just knock! I keep telling myself, but I keep not being able to do it. Maybe I should just leave and forget about my old life. But I can’t, even if I want to.

Ari is a part of me, like it or not. I can’t just leave her here.

So I hold my breath, bring my shaking fist up to the door, and knock.

Someone answers the door. A girl with short hair, green eyes, and an unreadable expression. “Yes?” She says. But then her eyes meet mine, and they widen. “R-Rosa? Is that you?” She whispers, so quiet that I can barely hear her.

“Ari?”

Ari looks at me in confusion, anger, and sadness. She starts talking quickly, like she’s trying not to cry. “You know I kept thinking that I hated you but now that you’re here, and when Levi died I kept saying I hated you so much, I realize now that I missed you so much. I can’t believe you’re here.”

I realize I’m still holding my breath, but I can’t let it out until I know one thing. “Did you ever mean it?” I ask quietly.

She looks at me sadly, “Once, yes. But only once.”

Letting my breath out, I say, “I’m so so so sorry for leaving you, I thought of you every day and I missed you every second.” She hugs me, and I hug her, and we hold on to each other tightly, like if one of us let’s go the other will disappear and be just a dream.

“I missed you too.”

I start to feel tears running down my cheeks, and I hear her crying too. What now? I wonder, but now that me and Ari are back together I know that we’ll be ok. “Everything will be ok now.”

I don’t think we both entirely agree, but now is not the time to worry about that.

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Cars pulled up around me, everyone climbing in and going home. But before they did, they all congratulated me. I smiled and said thanks, when really I would have liked not being noticed. I guess losing someone you loved can make something you do have a lot of emotion. I wasn’t expecting to be noticed, playing the piano is normally something I do for myself. I’ve never played it outside of my home. I watched as cars passed, the blowing wind turning my black hair into a tornado. I pushed it out of my face, and continued to stand still, watching as everyone went home. I let myself cry as the final car drove off into the black night. I sat down on the curb, letting my hair blow. I don’t understand why it turned out this way? Why just because of one mistake, he had to leave. I loved him. Or I thought I did. I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall onto the skirt of my black dress. I heard the rumble of a car pull up next to me. I pushed my hair out of my face and sat up straight, Mom wouldn hate it if she knew I was crying in public. The car stopped, the front door slamming hard. I stayed on the curb, it wasn’t Mom it was Ty. He came over next to me, his green eyes glowing in the moon light. I wanted to hate him. Just because he came here doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive him. He’s stupid if he thinks I’m that pathetic. “That’s was the best thing I’ve ever heard,” he leaned against the side of his car. “What are you doing here,” I asked, keeping my eyes away from his face. “I’m here because I’m sorry.” Sorry. Is that all he has to say? He told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. He left me. He said that the wooden box we buried was something we did because we were kids. That whatever we wrote didn’t mean anything. “Your sorry?” Now I looked at his face, it was stained with tears. Tears that wouldn’t have been cried if he had just told me why he had to leave. I knew for a fact that it wasn’t because he didn’t want to be my friend. It was because he was too afraid of losing me. Which he had done. He put his hands in his pockets keeping his eyes glued to the floor, “I’m sorry.” He repeated like he thought if he said it enough I would given in. “What do you think sorry means to me?” It came out louder than I had anticipated. Ty sighed as he straightened up, “It obviously doesn’t mean anything.” At least he got that right. I stood up, brushing the back of my dress off, “Just because you come here. And bring all of this,” I gesture at his face, “Doesn’t mean I’ll forgive you. Or that I’ll ever forget what you did.” He nodded, “Emily. I know. I just wanted to try again. It’s been five months. I miss you, I need you. And I was wrong.” I moved closer to him, his breathing was steady. “Emily. I’m not going to apologize anymore. I did something because I was afraid. And I still am.” Afraid? The last time I heard Ty say that was when he was little. He never admitted that. Never. It was the one thing that he thought made him weak. And people told his so. They told him if he was afraid then he wasn’t ever going to be able to live. “You know what,” Ty kept his voice calm, “At least I was able to admit that I couldn’t do it. At least I can admit when I’m wrong.” Ty moved closer, his green eyes glued to mine, “Ty, what are you saying?” Ty closed his eyes, tears falling from his face, “I’m saying that I loved you.” His words felt like fire, burning my heart. “Did you ever mean it?” I asked, “Back then?” Ty nodded, his eyes only glowing greener, “Once. Yes, but only once.” He loved me. Maybe he still did. I knew I did. I wanted to tell him. But my mouth wouldn’t open, only my eyes could talk. Crying more tears than ever before. “I’m saying I love you,” Ty whispered, “I’m saying it out loud.” I wanted to smile, I wanted to hug him. And I would have, but he wasn’t getting me back this easily. “Ty,” my voice cracked as I spoke his name, “Ty, I’m. . . I’ll consider this if you admit you’ve always been in a position where telling me this. Has been the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Harder than leaving me. Harder than breaking my heart over and over again.” Ty wiped his face with the back of his hand, “Emily, telling you this was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But your wrong. This was easier than breaking your heart. Breaking your heart was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” Ty touched my hand, and I felt it, I felt sparks shoot up into the sky. I smiled, letting my heart take over. And I knew that was okay. Because it had taken over the moment my eyes met his. The first time I ever saw him, and knew that he was the one who was meant to make my life full of pain, happiness and most of all heart break.

I can’t quite meet your eyes I say so quietly … … … I think I attempted suicide … … … Why? I can’t understand

Sometimes I want to die

You truly wanted to die? Without any doubt? Did you mean that?

Yes. But only once … … … … I’m sorry

It’s ok.

And somehow, it is.

( as mentioned before, due to the consistent dark and also unread nature of my poems I will not be putting trigger warnings at the beginnings anymore, unless someone disagrees. Also sorry, I’m sure people are sick of me writing the same stuff- but somehow I’m still stuck there.

On a night long ago Now stolen by time Was the last time I meant those flickering words of mine.

On a night when the smell of rain haunted the air On a night when we had little care Was the last time I meant it Is it truly fair?

So, when they ask, ‘Did you ever mean it?’ I’ll laugh and say in response, ‘Once, yes. But truly only once.’ For my love and my lover have since died from when I spoke those three words And yes, it still hurts. But I would never regret them for all the sun or birds.

Now as I stand in the pouring rain No money, no power, control nor fame I’ll remember the days of when you took away my pain I stand and know it’s true. That was the last time I meant ‘I love you.’

I raced up the stairs, the smell of smoke heavy in the air. As I reached the top of them, I was met with Asten blocking my way, crossbow in hand. He aimed at my heart.

The snake! I thought we had been getting alone quite nicely. No big deal though, I could kill him if I wanted to.

“Not another step Adira,”

I lifted my hands up with a grin.

“Oh such a wondrous gift you have given me friend!”

“Not friend,” Asten corrected.

“Hm, would you rather the title, your highness?”

His abilities to hide his amusement were impressive, I had to give him that.

“Do it! Send me to hell!”

When he lowered the weapon I let my arms smack my sides in disappointment.

“Did you ever mean it?” He stood inches away from my face now.

“What, mean what?”

“When you said you would never betray me, never let anything happen to me?” He asked softly, tucking a brown curl behind my ear. My heart beat fast, my breath caught in my throat. Ones I realized that I needed to breath to survive, I shoved him away and coughed into my arm.

“Huh?”

“Sorry, your just so unromantic and ugly you made me gag,”

He crossed his arms.

“Am not!”

“Are too,”

“Am not!”

“Are too,”

“Am not!”

“Ooo this is fun! Are too,”

“Did you ever mean it?!” He asked again.

“Ones, yes. But only ones. When I had all the information, I could finally carry out an attack on the Queen. With her down, now all that’s left to do is shape a new and better world,” I explained, examining my chipped nails.

“Under your command? Selfish assassin,” he scowled.

“That my friend-“

“Not friend,”

“That yUoR hIgH nEsS, is a very hurtful statement! Of corse not under my command, under Oma’s daughter, Rojo. Yeah, I can tell by your expression you didn’t know she existed,” (not in those weird words but I couldn’t think of any other way to make her say it while sounding annoying on here)

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a princess to take care of. See ya,”