I should be asleep. I can’t sleep. These socks are sweaty and gross.

GET THEM OFF!

much better

The blanket is worse. I don’t want to feel my feet touching. Come on. Come on. Stop stop. Don’t break your glasses.

What if I fall off the roof cleaning the gutters tomorrow?

I don’t want to sleep yet.

Why is my head itchy

Maybe I should shower now. It’s 12:54AM. Be smart. This is smart, my hair is gross and I’m not tired. Okay but if you shower now you’ll just stay up playing that fishing game.

And? It’s relaxing, isn’t that what you’re supposed to be doing? Relaxing.

No you’re supposed to be preparing yourself for Monday. Let’s not talk about Monday. It’s okay. You’re okay.

Deep breath. Just stop. You’re still here. That’s huge. We are going to out live that son of a b**ch who used God to groom you. We are going to keep loving people the way we were raised. You don’t need the church. You just keep those chairs open at your table. I know you’re super controversial but hey, Jesus was pretty controversial too. Everyone hated him and hell who doesn’t hate the lesbian Christian (I’m the lesbian Christian) just a little. I really love who I am though. Truly I do. I love the idea of going to church on Sunday and coming home to my wife who I get to praise and thank everyday. How lucky am I to love women.

That’s my future. That’s why I’m still here. It’s going to be great.

I’m good. I’m okay.

——————————————————

Author’s Note: 1:30AM, just ate half a burger and a cookie. Goodnight yall

Brains

Brainssss

Brainzzzz

Zzzz

Ugh

Brain?

Brains?

Brains!!

runs

Must have brains.

Where was I?

Oh, yes…

Brainnnnsssss

…

Love you baby 🖤

Oh no he hurt me again __ I forgive him __ __ No he’s the worst

Wait where’s my purse

Ahhhhhh I can’t find my purse

There’s a picture in there-

No don’t think of him

I still love him __ __ Aha! I found my purse

Now where are my keys

Oh right there by the-

That’s where he left his

No my keys aren’t there

Are they are in my purse

Yes, yes they are. They’re here

Unlike him

No don’t think of him

He’s the worst

God why are my fingers so shaky

Ah the door is open, wooooo

Ahhhhh it’s freezing, I don’t want to leave

That’s what he should’ve said __ __ But he didn’t, get over him

Yeah I’d rather get under him __ __ Oh shoot I left my phone

It’s on my bedside table I think

Ahhhhh why is this key not working

Just my fingers that are numb from the cold

He makes me feel cold __ __ No

Ahh warmth

Shall I run up the stairs

Yes

I miss being human

21 plus 24 equals 46

I actually have to email Simon about the-

Aha! Here is my phone

New message who’s it from

Oh him

Yes I would love to meet up again and hold your hand and not let go because I don’t want to lose you again. __ __ No, I need a distraction

I shall break my phone in order to not talk to him again

No it’s my only means of communication

Ah no I’m late to go to the dentist

I have to run

What do I have for lunch today

I wonder what he’s doing

Maybe he’s thinking about me

Ooh look a rabbit

Oh my god it’s so cute

Looney tunes

I hate looney tunes

Wait, what’s looney tunes again

What’s the time

12:49, huh time for lunch

Ooh a yellow car

I remember when me and -

The suns so bright today

My blinds used to be bright pink

I wonder what my old house looks like now

Maybe it’s a man with a beard living there

I hate mullets

And bowl cuts

So ugly

What do I have for lunch

What if someone is standing outside my window waiting to see the light turn off through the blinds?

What if my teeth come out while I’m sleeping and I swallow them?

My mouth tastes disgusting-that’s what happens when you don’t brush your teeth.

Please go away.

I don’t think you understand how happy I would be if that…nevermind.

My teeth hurt.

If I solve this problem I’ll go away for a long time. So I’ll sit back and focus on my studies. If I take matters into my own hands I’ll lose everything permanently.

I want to make a whole scene of it. Because it IS a celebration. Oh how free I’d be. Would he leave my mind if he left the earth?

Or would he chose to haunt me?

I’d tourment him even if he were a ghost. Just like he screwed me over, I’ll make him spend my lifetime watching me dance around, free.

Maybe I could wear a pink dress then.

I prefer a tie for the most part.

I’m tired of being sad about it, I love when I’m unhinged about it. I don’t like being weak about it. I love imagining him getting what he deserves. I don’t even want to be around when it happens. I want to be states away, fishing.

I’ll read it in the newspaper and say, “hm. it’s about time.”

Everything I do is silent. I try silently. I lie silently. I pry silently.

Oh.

Silence, Silently.

Oh.

Well.

I cry silently. I die silently. Tonight, I fly silently.

What’s her damn alias?! nevermind the guy buying new it.missed an ‘e’ at the end. Or did he actually have it right? You can put an ‘e’ anywhere. Would’ve been a better punchline if he forgot the ‘d’ ….a $1000 a week makes sense now fuck, I hope I’m clean. She had cancer once.Jesus Christ. OKAY I’ll ask my therapist for chemo. That’s probably a common joke for trauma sessions. She’ll fake laugh..I’ll laugh first,nope not saying it. i wanna try chemo without having cancer will chemo show up on drug test?? it would have to be a urine sample because if it were a hair follicle this is what I mean when I joke about everything. maybe a saliva sample “Che-mo swah-bee” I lose every lighter I find. i never exhale cigarette smoke out my nose. Do I know anyone who does? I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone smoking with me exhale period and I know I’ll forget to pay attention tonight. I always look at the ground I think. pretty sure. chain smoking? more like chain disassociating. I’m about to finish this cigarette in front of the mirror and see how dumb I’ll look exhaling. I’ve smoked in every rental car I’ve rented.call her if they find out in the future and get her to lie for me. theyll have a court date. She’ll have a lawyer, a witness statement and a reason to threaten me for using her she’ll beat the case and Carmax will pay for her next vehicle and I’m driving this piece of shit again I need to play the lottery probably feel guilty if I won address her in text without the ‘e’ at the end Get me a chemo condom. She’s allergic to latex. I’m a coping mechanism. I’m a joke. Don’t tell anyone forgot to watch myself FUCKING EXHALE

It’s been . . . Five minutes.

Or was it ten?

. . . At least ten runthroughs of the chorus of Circus by Britney Spears.

So probably five.

I can’t see the clock from here, thank you mom and dad for making me inherit your nonexistent eyesight.

Why is the teacher always glaring at me from across the room? I’m like the most respectful one in this damn classroom, gawk at the guy with his pants falling off his ass instead.

Is my friend looking at me yet? Nope, guess I’m not going to be able to play Rock Paper Scissors from across the room with them. Do I have any extra paper inside of my Chromebook? I want to make some more fortune tellers.

Maybe I shouldn’t right now actually, she’ll notice. Unless I hide my hands behind my computer screen.

Which is what I’m going to do.

Let’s see, what is everybody talking about today . . .

Wow, that is some pretty weird dream. When was the last time I dreamt? Oh yeah, I did this morning. I can’t remember what it was about though, damnit.

Are the guys seriously talking about Lego Fortnite right now? Oh well. Skibidi blah blah blah and that bullshit I guess.

. . . The teacher’s not looking. I’m gonna draw . . . Oh! This one is actually pretty good, I’ll show my friends this at lunch.

I’m getting pretty bored, come on imagination. Make up something to pass the time, maybe an edit of myself or whatever. Nevermind, that song sucks, you have horrible music taste me.

Great, now it’s stuck in my head.

What homework do I have again? Eh, I don’t feel like doing it. I’ll just save it for tomorrow.

I wish I didn’t forget to bring my books today, it’d make things less boring. Ahhhhhhhh—

Oh FINALLY, we’re doing something other than I-Ready.

Can everybody shut up already?

I hate this school so fucking much.

Panic bubbles up inside me. Raw, uncontrolled terror. My heart heaves and my throat screams like every breath is a struggle. My eyes glaze over and white noise blares in my ears. I’m trembling from head to toe and cold sweats pour down my neck and back in voluminous waves. It feels like a sensory overload, like the panic in my mind is enough to make every cell in my body spark and jump and overreact.

But the worst of it all is the voices. Voices fighting over which should be louder. Voices that are all in my head. Voices that are my own jumbled thoughts. A string of rushing nonsense that races around my mind, words like-

need to hide whats happening i think the world is spinning whats going on need to hide why am i like this what if they find me why is my head cloudy need to hide too many voices im tired im scared im worthless all hope is lost i need help no i dont need help need to hide please stop talking why cant i breathe whats wrong with me am i crazy need to hide dont cry dont cry you idiot i want to curl up and die everything is spinning- “dami~” -whats happening to me why is everyone shouting im not ok why cant everything just stop life is hopeless- “dami…” -need to hide i want to curl up im useless life is meaningless shut up shut up shut up- “dami.” -why are you crying im such an idiot- “Dami.” -why am i like this- “Dami!”

My head shoots up. Tears are pouring down my face like a waterfall and I can barely l see through them but that voice…

That voice isn’t mine.

Someone rushes up to me and wraps me in their arms. I don’t know who it is until his scent wafts up my nose. The scent of roasted vanilla with a tint of hazelnut.

Kester.

He wraps me in his arms as I sob. Why does he have to see me like this? At my lowest possible point? It takes me a moment to realize I’m not the only one shaking.

My heartbeat slows down and the sweat decreases. His scent and his warmth comfort me, puling me out of my panic and back into the world I hate. The world that keeps triggering me. The world that causes me nothing but panic.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. Why did I agree to meet Nancy today? Is it just me or is my heart pounding like a drum? It’s like there’s a whole marching band inside my chest. But wait, what if she can hear it? Can she hear my heart? No, that’s ridiculous. Focus, Simon, focus.

Alright, here she comes. Wow, she looks amazing. Her smile is like a ray of sunshine. No, not like sunshine, that’s too cheesy. It’s more like… like a burst of energy. Yeah, that’s it. Energy. Okay, stop staring, Simon. Say something, anything.

“Hey, Nancy! How’s it… um… how’s it going?” Smooth, real smooth. I sound like a bumbling fool. But hey, at least she’s smiling back at me. That’s a good sign, right? Or is she just being polite? Oh god, what if she’s not interested? What if I’ve made a huge mistake?

Okay, breathe, Simon. Just breathe. Keep the conversation going. What do people talk about? The weather? No, that’s too cliché. Maybe I can ask about her day. Yeah, that’s safe. “So, Nancy, how was your day? Anything exciting happen?”

Oh no, why did I ask that? Now she’s looking at me like I have all the answers. I don’t have any answers. I barely know what’s going on in my own head. Quick, think of something else to say. Anything. “Um, have you tried that new coffee shop downtown? I heard they have some really unique blends.”

Smooth recovery, Simon. Talking about coffee is always a safe bet. But wait, did she just raise her eyebrow? Is she not a coffee person? Did I just ruin everything with my coffee talk? I should have known better. I’m such an idiot.

Okay, stop overthinking. She’s just waiting for you to say something else. Say something interesting. Say something that will make her laugh. But what if she doesn’t find me funny? What if my jokes fall flat? What if she thinks I’m boring?

Just say whatever comes to mind, Simon. Let your thoughts flow. Stream of consciousness, remember? “You know, Nancy, sometimes I feel like my brain is a never-ending roller coaster. It’s like a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, all jumbled up together. But being here with you, it’s like the roller coaster slows down, and everything just feels… right.”

Whoa, where did that come from? Did I just say that out loud? I did, didn’t I? But wait, she’s smiling. She’s actually smiling. Maybe I didn’t mess up after all. Maybe she understands what I mean. Maybe… just maybe, there’s a chance.

And in that moment, as Simon’s thoughts continued to swirl and collide in his mind, he realized that sometimes, being true to oneself and letting the words flow freely can lead to unexpected connections and genuine moments of connection.