“Mommy.”

“Yes, Ann?”

“Where do babies come from—and don’t say storks; that’s impossible.”

“Well…they come from woman like Mommy.”

“How.”

“Uhm, your Daddy and I…express our love in a way that produces children.”

“Then why am I the only one?”

“Huh?”

“If you and Daddy love each other sooo much, then why am I the only one?”

“Because we don’t need anymore kids right now…and we can’t have any.”

“Then your love is too weak!”

“Haha, you know, you’ll understand when you get older.”

“That’s too long.”

“Yeah, I’m trying, move out of the way so I can blow his head off with my sniper rifle. Ohhh, take that you Russian terrorist piece of sh”

“HENRY!”

Startled by his mother’s presence, Henry pulls off his headset to apologize for cussing. “Sorry mom, these Russian commies keep coming and coming. Just trying to keep America safe.”

“That’s nice dear. Listen, there’s something I want to talk to you about and it’s going to be confusing at first, but it’s important tha”

“DIE, YOU SOVIET TRASH.”

“HENRY!! TURN THAT GAME OFF RIGHT NOW! I need to talk to you about something serious.”

Begrudgingly, Henry turns his system off and looks up glumly at his mom. “Ok, what?”

“So you’re at an age now where I think it’s important that you.. well, you see, you’re maturing as a young man and things will start to change. And with these changes, you might start to have questions or be alarmed by certain feelings and I just want you to know that these changes, these feelings, are totally natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Does any of this make sense to you or sound like anything maybe you’re experiencing?”

“Do you mean boners?”

“Jesus, Henry, yes, well, sort of, but they’re called erections.”

“Oh yeah, that’s what they call them in the Viagra commercials with the old dudes. My friends and I laugh at that word. It’s so medical. Boner is funnier.”

“Ok, well whatever word you want to refer to it as, when a man gets this umm.. condition, not condition, but, this reaction, it can cause a strong emotion that makes him want to get rid of it. In order to relieve this situation, men have to release what’s called semen.

“Oh, you mean cum?”

“What?? How do you know that word? And the proper word is ejaculate.”

“I don’t know, thats what _they _always call it.”

“Who’s they? Who’s calling it, why are they calling it that to you?”

“The videos. MILF cums on young stepson’s dick, Uber driver cums on passenger’s face, Peter cums on Lois Griffin’s hair while Quagmire watches from his upstairs window.”

“Oh my God, Henry, who is showing you these videos? This is not how you are supposed to learn about sex.”

“They’re right here on my phone, I just go to pornhub and then it shows you like a million videos. It’s cool, you can pick by category too. I like the hentai ones because it’s like these big dragon guys whipping around their mega lizard cocks. You can even pick in the videos what characters you want to see like how old they are or have tattoos or Asian. I never pick Russian.”

“Henry, when two people love each other very much, sex is a gift we are given to enjoy and need to value how special it is.”

“What if more than two people are involved because I saw this one video where the girl was with 4 guys and”

“No more, Henry, listen to me.”

“Sorry mom.”

“Those videos are not what love is about, and that is not what sex should be about. One day, you will find someone and together you can learn about this wonderful gift, and then when you’re old enough, you might even decide to have a child with this person using this magical gift.”

“That sounds cool, mom. I know you think those videos are bad but I saw one that is describing what you just said. It was a man, I think the girl’s doctor, giving her a creampie to help her have a baby because her husband didn’t have cum or something.”

“I.. thats not what I mea.. ok, we are going to continue this talk another day but I want you to stop watching those videos immediately. They will rot your brain with bad ideas and stereotypes and cause you to mistreat and abuse people and I won’t have my son growing up that way. Do you understand me?”

“Yes mom, I won’t look at them anymore, I promise. Can I go back on my video game now, my friends need me to help destroy these Russian thugs.”

“Sure.”

“Mama, I heard somefink in your room last night”

“Um, what did you hear honey?”

“Banging”

“Oh”

“Yes. Lots of it.”

“Really?”

“You must have been having lots of fun”

“Was I now?”

“Yes, I also heard that sound a while before sissy came”

“D-Did you now?”

“Yep, so I was wondering how babies are made?”

“Ask your father”

five minutes later

“Mary, did you hear what our son was talking about”

“Yes”

“What do you have to say about it”

“We should be quieter”

“Tatiana told me how babies are made.” My 10 year old daughter Emily proclaims one day as I am preparing dinner. My stomach lurches, but I try to remain casual. “Oh yeah?” I ask, “what did she say?” Emily scrunches up here nose in distaste, and the gesture reminds of her as a small toddler, refusing to eat the green beans on her plate. Her face relaxes again and the moment is gone. I marvel at how quickly she has grown. The soft roundness of her cheeks gone, replaced by a tall, lanky young girl on the cusp of the tween years. Sometimes I can catch glimpses of her as a 16/17 year old and it fills me with both excitement and trepidation. “She said a boy has to pee on your butt” she responds, with equal parts embarrassment and disgust. I laugh out loud at the absurdity of her answer, I can’t help it. Then I sigh. I knew this day was coming, and knew I had to address the topic with her sooner than later. I just hadn’t realized that “sooner” meant right now. “No,” I begin, “that’s not how babies are made.” I wipe my hands on the kitchen towel and walk over to the dining room table to sit. I pat on the chair next to me, “why don’t you sit and I’ll tell you the real way babies are made.” Emily bounces over to me, obvious relief on her face, and sits down. I clear my throat, wondering how to begin. I should have prepared for this, I admonish myself. My parents never gave me the ‘birds and the bees’ talk as a child. I had to find out from my neighbor Kenny. Kenny was a few years older than me, our moms were best friends so he was ALWAYS over. He was the bane of my existence, always teasing and pestering me. To find out about sex at the innocent age of 8 via a demonstration by him using my stuffed animals to mimic thrusting motions was traumatizing, to say the least. I had thrown my stuffed bunny and Minnie Mouse in the back of the closet, scandalized, unable to look at them again for months without feeling mortified. I didn’t want to make Emily feel uncomfortable, or scare her. I look at her curious face, smile, and begin. “You see, it starts with an egg. All women make eggs inside them, and that egg needs something called a sperm to fertilize it in order for a baby to grow.” I had quickly decided to remain as scientific as I could. Emily’s eyes widen. “We lay eggs like a chicken?” Great start, I think to myself sarcastically. “Well, no. Not quite like a chicken.” I reassure her. I quickly explain how ovaries release eggs, and about periods and ovulation. “So does the sperm come from a dad?” Emily continues. She seems to be taking this rather well, and I internally pat myself on the back. “Yes” I reply, and steel myself for the next part. “How does it get to the egg?” She asks the million dollar question. I begin to explain, trying to keep the conversation as honest and factual but age appropriate as I can, and I watch the wrinkle in her nose reappear as she starts scrunching up her face in disgust again. “So…what do you think?” I conclude. “That’s disgusting!” Emily exclaims loudly as I laugh again. “Do you have any questions?” I tentatively ask, and Emily considers for a moment. “Can I have a snack?” she asks brightly, and I sigh a breath of relief. “Sure.” I answer, grateful for the change in topic and turn to the pantry to grab the Goldfish crackers.

“What’s dat?” “It says here it is a century plant. It blooms once every one hundred years or so. Then it dies. That’s that’s sad.” “Why?” “Well…plants make flowers to attract bees so they can make baby plants. Look how tall the flower is. They had to open the ceiling in the atrium so it can grow. It’s so pretty too?” “I guess. But why?” “Here let me wipe your nose. Now why what? Why do things die? Are you sad peanut?” “Yeah no I dunno know. Why do things have babies? It looks hard and stuff.” “It is hard. But when we come back there will be a bunch of baby centuries. It’s worth it.” “Mommy no kissing.”

“We’re talking about WHAT!?” My mother smiled happily. “I think you’re old enough now, and I don’t have to do it alone. I bought a book!” She held it up. “It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health.” Mom sat down in the rocking chair. I exhaled deeply. “Oh dear.” I sat down on the stool next to Mom. She started, “We already talked about where babies DON’T come from, right?” I nodded. “And Dad told you about the boy bits and the girl bits.” “Yep. Mom, I’m not a little kid anymore, you can say-“ I gulped. “penisandstuff.” She raised an eyebrow. “Okay, if you’re sure,” Mom said gently. I nodded.

“So, today we’re going to talk about what happens AFTER the sperm goes in the vagina.” I shuddered. Mom looked at me. “Janet, you’re 12. You can do this.” She cleared her throat and began. She pantomimed the-! Eeeeeew. She started talking about how the sperm travel up the cervix after that and one of them fertilizes the egg, and that makes the embryo cell. I groaned. This is so awkward. 

Mom read from the book. She even did voices for the characters! “The baby grows into a billy goat! I know that.” “ZYgote, not billy goat. Can we stop talking about this? I much prefer science.” I giggled. “The bee is really funny. He doesn’t want to learn about this, either.” Mom smiled. “I mean, I could just tell you how you were made, instead of reading from the ‘boring book,’” Mom said. “EW EW EW NO!” I gagged. “That’s even worse!” Mom laughed. 

“Well, it was one fateful Sunday in April, and Daddy was having a bad day-“ I smashed my hands over my ears. “LALALALALA I’M NOT LISTENING!!” I yelled. I ran down the hallway. “I’M NOT LISTENING!” I uncovered my ears at the end of the hallway. Mom sighed. “This is going to be, well, difficult. Come sit down, Janet.”

“”””””” My eyes shot open. I was covered in sweat and scrubbing my mind out. “Ugh, that was the most DISGUSTING dream I have ever had!” So THAT’S what would happen if I didn’t go to Maturation. Yeesh, sign me up!

3/08/22

Eleven years before the arrest of Jason Strange.

A nine-year old Jason played with his red and orange puppets happily. Jason loved to play with his puppets, because in a way, they let out another side to him. This was a highly energetic side, a side that is enthusiastic, funny, and happy! He wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The door to his room slowly opened. Jason looked up. It was his mother, Sarah. She gave a smile to the young Jason and sat down beside him.

She spoke to him, saying “Hey, bud. How do you like those puppets I got you?”

“I love them so much! Thanks, mom!”

Sarah chuckled, hugging Jason. She stared at him for a second more before turning to look down at the floor.

“Mom? Everything okay?”

“Yes, son. Everything’s fine. But I need to talk to you about something important.”

“Oh, okay.” Jason put the puppets to the side.

Jason then asked “What is it mom?”

“Jason, you’re starting to grow much faster than I had ever anticipated a boy like you to grow. Sooner or later, you’re going to be all grown up and you’re gonna find a girl you really love.”

“Really?”

“Yep! That’s why I wanted to discuss with you… the birds and the bees.”

“Oh, I already know about those kinds of birds and bees mom! They’re really cool animals!”

“I’m not talking about those kinds of birds and bees Jason.”

“You’re not?”

“No. You see, when you get older, you’re going to start having some… specific feelings for a woman. And soon, you two are going to sleep together.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And when you two sleep together… you may start to have a little bit of ‘fun.’”

“Having fun is pretty good, right?”

“It depends on how you view it honestly. If you have too much fun, you could get children.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yep. So, just know, sooner or later, you’re going to start experiencing a lot of fun below the sheets. It’s gonna be as chaotic as a bird and bee flying around wildly!”

“Okay, thanks for telling me.”

“You’re welcome… Jason. Hey, I heard Alex was coming by soon! Are you both excited for the play date?”

“Of course!”

“Alright, let me know how it goes after. I’ll be in my room working on some letters.”

“Okay mom, love you!”

“I love you too, Jason Strange. Don’t get yourself in trouble.”

“I won’t!”

Some of us may be bright without a care in the world pretending it will never be night

I prefer to trudge through the vast land never letting myself be comfortable maybe its my fault that i have never let anybody be everything i planned

i simply don’t want anyone to capture my heart i don’t want that pain living with me never letting me have a new start this is simply how i live close to free

How hard would it be to capture Someone’s whole heart And to have it without disaster

To know them so completely The vastness of their thoughts And to never have to act discretely

And to never have to hide the brightness Behind your deepest smiles and laughs To get past the first step of politeness

I wrote a little note on my phone to remind myself that I needed to have this conversation with my mom. All the kids at school were doing it and I almost did it. It freaked me out, I was scared, shaking, and shivering. Something about seeing a private part made me fearful and I needed to know why.

“Hey, mom can I ask you something,” I said looking at the window playing with my fingers, and turning blue in the face.

“Yes, what it is,” mom said

“All my friends are having sex at school and … I almost did it but I was too scared”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ALMOST DID IT” my mom yelled at me and then apologized quickly. Baby, what do you mean you almost did it? What day was this and are you okay? I’m sorry for yelling at you. Please forgive me.

This was the first time my mom ever apologized for something that I thought she’d kill me over, maybe it was serious to her and that would be my follow-up question. She continued to proceed to make me feel the most comfortable that I’ve ever felt before. I liked this feeling but I was unsure if it was ever going to stay. For this reason, I embraced it.

“ I forgive you, mom, I know this is a hard topic for parents to talk about with their kids, now can I go on”

“Yes, please go on”

“ Okay, so it was time for lunch but I didn’t want lunch so I and my friend ( mom interrupts and asks me who my friend was, I told her a made-up name) went outside to just talk, the question was floating around about sex and what position girls liked the most”” what are positions? I asked my mom.

Her eyes got so big like they were going to pop out of her head and she started to walk around the house while talking.

“Okay, I’m going to need for you to sit down, while I walk around. It’s just easier for me that way” she said.

“ Positions are a certain way a person will put their body in to perform the sexual activity, does that make sense”?

“Kinda. How many are there”

“There are a lot of different ones, some people like more than others, do you need further explanation of what a sex position is before we go any further”?

“No, I think I got it” I continued.

“ Because I was trying to fit in with all the rest of the girls, I said that mine was the doggy style, mom when I said that it was like the boys got excited, of course, I have no idea what that was but the job I was trying to do was done, I got the attention of John, I really think he’s cute”

“Omg, go on,” my mom said holding her head while she finished walking around.

“It got Johns's attention to and after the bell rung for everyone to go back to class, he grabbed my hand and told me to go with him. All the girls went with the other boys too. I went with him”

Okay, okay my mom said. She came down to sit next to me. She put her hand on my knee and said:

“I know why you were freaked and scared. The doggy style position is a position that advanced people do when they have been having sex for some time and you haven’t seen the other sex's private part. That was a little bit too much for you because you don’t know anything just as yet. Also, sweetheart, just because you think a guy is cute doesn’t mean that you have to sleep with him, other things come before you two even get to that part. I’m so proud of you and proud that you didn’t actually do it. We will talk about this more after dinner, are you okay”

She gave me the longest hug and the most affectionate kiss she has ever given me. Then we went off to dinner.