It starts with a drop of rain. You don’t think much of it. “Hey, he’s kinda cute…” You forget about that little drop Until another lands. “Do I have any classes with him?” As the rain starts to sprinkle down, You look up. You see a cloud hanging overhead, Swirls of emotion ready to rain down. You could go inside, take shelter from the coming storm, but… “It feels nice to like someone- Even if I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me.” Lighting strikes in the distance, But you swear you can feel the sparks when you pass him in the hallway. “I wonder if he ever notices me, The way I always notice him.” The sky opens up, And rain pours down, Soaking your hair, Your clothes, Your heart.

“Haha, I guess I have a crush.”

There's a relief in feeling the storm approach.

When the silence finally gives way to the familiar noise of my thoughts overlapping each other, I can relax once more.

And it's strange to admit, but I feel comfort in my own mental illness.

I feel comfort in letting myself cry when nobody is around to listen; in bottling up my emotions until I break down.

It's easier to do that than to open up; It's easier to sink into the pain, letting it drag me under in waves.

How do I heal when I don't know what's broken?

Bandaids are meant to stop the bleeding, but what keeps my soul from spilling out of the cracks?

I am a glass child, and therefore I am doomed to shatter.

Maybe the thunder isn't so bad.

TW: Self harm (not current)

I was given labels:

Main character Annoying Try hard Stupid “Bitch” “Dumb ass” Sinner “Stalker” Weird Broken Loser Princess Boring Creep Terrified Tired Care too much Depressed “Fat”

I dealt with:

Suicidal thoughts Self consciousness Self deprecation Anxiety Cut wrists Shame Tears Being used Betrayal Fake friends Exhaustion Being lied to Abused Torn Crying to sleep Taken for granted Gossiped about OCD self harm Depression Too much water Chew that gum Anorexia Broken heart

I was told:

“SH is cringe” “Chin up” “Only eat 500 calories” “Whatever” “Fake it til you make it” “Okay? And?” “You just want attention” “I’m just kidding” “You’re fine”

BUT THESE DO NOT DEFINE ME!!

For I am:

Chosen Loved Shameless Blameless Clean Perfect Imperfect Cared for Daughter Child of God Whole Saved One in 8 billion I have a purpose Purposeful Taylor I have a name Beautiful Redeemed Worth it Debt paid Healed God’s design Jesus loves me Fighter Strong He wants me FREE fearfully and wonderfully made Made in his image Living for a reason Calm Funny Kind Found Someone Lover Girlfriend Best friend Close friend Sister Role model Disciple Student Teacher Caring Silly Sweet Rested He made me in his hands He knows my name I have a place I have Grace I have been saved and redeemed…

There was a relief in feeling the storms aproach, knowing the worst was almost done, For She is stronger than she knows… Because she has Jesus the Lord, the one.

There was a relief in feeling the storm’s approach A calm, a pause, a feeling of peace As if time stops for a moment The gentle breeze before the howling winds Sprinkles falling here and there before the downpour A clap of thunder in the distance slowly rolling your way Nothing can be done to stop it, u must accept it All u can do is relish in the calm before the storm

There was a relief in feeling the storm approaching. The pause while I was reading. “What is this?” I’m asking, panicking. I think back to all the overthinking, when I was convincing myself something was happening between them. When I knew he’d always end up picking someone like her, beautifully perfect, unlike me. I convinced myself I was just generally letting my mind go to places negatively. But all that thinking was generously right. Crying, talking, begging, explaining. “I called it” I laugh dryly, sobbing. It was unusually releasing, knowing I was right. At least now I know I’m not just wrongfully assuming. So we’ll talk it out sincerely, I’ll continue my friendship with her, but I know once again the storming I predicted will always be coming. Because it’s only overthinking if it’s wrong.

Not the prompt.

Today has been a difficult day I would say close to the worst all year and has been every year since 2019.

…

Everyone is fighting fights that you will never see, always have empathy, thank you.

…

Love you

…

Miss you and happy birthday Lena, may you rest in peace 🖤

‘There was a relief in feeling the storms Approach’ Hell was the only reproach, Fear bleeding out from under me, My anger wishing to be free.

‘There is a freedom in dancing in the rain’ Always the same refrain. Picking a fight in hell, Knowing I will be the one who is felled.

‘There is always the stillness after the downpour’ Teeth spit on the floor, Blood on the edges on my mouth, You are the one who is wound.

‘Fear and rage are the same’ One is thunder, The other rain. ‘Afterwards there is always silence’

…

Love You R

…

🖤

Ragging on the inside  Spiraling on the out Looking calm and ending in a shout You ruined my friendships  Tore kindness right out Blew up on your parents  They love me but doubt Go down to the pits  Stay far from my mind  Anger you have no place in my life

A peace within never found A fear that strangles toe to mouth Go wrap your little fingers around Someone else this round I’m tired of your cries And how you make me paralyzed So fear sleep elsewhere tonight

There was a relief in feeling the storm’s approach,

No anger, only calm,

No in between.

I was a man built of flesh and fear, cowering in its shadow.

The snarling sound of death always near, its crooked face haunted my dreams

In which the grass was always bright green, and flowers bloomed in blood-red streams.

There was a relief in being in the storm’s presence,

No sadness nor fear, as I was quite ready to disappear.

finally. the storm is coming. 40 miles.

i’m stuck here, just want out i don’t belong just wanna shout

finally. the storm is coming 30 miles.

just leave me be i don’t wanna know you i won’t pretend i care i’ll always stay true

finally. the storm is coming 20 miles.

bring on the madness destroy all of this maybe i can escape while you fall into the abyss

finally. the storm is coming. 10 miles.

i’ll behave for now because i know what it will be i’ll be nice for once until i am set free

finally. the storm is here. 0 miles.