her hands once soft with comfort now carve their anger deep “my dear it’s much to late for you she’s gonna kill you when you sleep” for the stuffed animals will be the only ones that will hear your silent weeps they’ll be knocking on the door from all the cops and federal creeps your lifeless body laying there, your life remains incomplete the echoes of the silent death, the strain of heartbeat your mothers jealousy would’ve lived in your head “my dear you’d still be breathing but your soul would be dead” she would’ve poisoned you with her words instead of the kitchen cup she would’ve made yourself throw up she would’ve never been there “my dear your mother just simply never cared” she was selfish a stuck up wanna be poet that was living threw her daughter was it never enough to just be your own? fuck you mom your the one supposed to be grown jealous of not beauty but the purity of my soul damn mom all you’ve ever wanted was control choking on your power while i’m trying to stay whole i bet you didn’t know there are pieces of me where no one goes i bet you didn’t realize where i run away to that this home isn’t my home just a place where i stay that im daydreaming my life away have you realized that im not always here that my mind is wandering drifting off somewhere you never saw the cracks, the cracks that run so deep the silent screams i buried the secrets i couldn't keep you made me doubt my worth made me question what was real but i found the strength to fight even when you tried to steal and i'll rise from your shadows i'll stand in the sun because someone has to clean up the damage you’ve done

I was quiet but not blind I was slow but wise For I knew everyone around me and I studied them I had random outburst of anger that I could not control some days but I tried my best to be kind for I was not made for school And I know it’s gonna sound corny, conceited, portraying i’m saying I’m too cool But I’ve only ever dreamt of becoming a real poet I wanna write books in my bedroom I wanna go on walks and see the birds fly I wanna travel with them I wanna be able to pick up everything and leave at random attached to nothing but still know my identity to feel the freedom of truly being free for the world to accept me i want to be a real poet move to a quiet city in Colorado study the trees instead of people notice the direction the wind blows not even needing to go home just write sit beneath the cliché cottonwood trees i tell story’s about just breathe feel the exhales release my insecurities nature doesn’t care about beauty it has beauty within its self feel each rain drop on my skin thank god i’m alive thank god one day when im 35 ill be publishing books with a husband by my side and everyone who rooted for me or prayed against my demise will realize that i have gotten over suicide and my mother will realize that she was never a mom and there was a reason why we never got along I knew who I was from a very young age and she had no clue she was 45 still hitting the weed she would hide under her sink unable to complete the simple task of love so she ran from it she never grew but she is my muse so for that i’ll thank her for each cut scrape and bruise i’ll thank my mother for giving me the cottonwood tree to look up too

{lil bit off prompt} i regonozed his blue eyes a mile away everyone of my friends telling me to stay but i would run to him every time cause he was mine and i was his even though i was a little kid and he was grown i was nothing more than a secret an obsession we both found comfort in changing the password on my phone nobody needs to know he is who i call when i am alone nobody sees the glances he gives me i was head over heals i still am i would give anything to have him as my man but i am nothing more than a secret and i guess im okay with that 3 years it’s only 3 years i tell myself but i know this is morally wrong i feel safe when im with him i feel like he is where i belong nobody understands this that is why i am nothing more than a secret we will never be anything but it is better to have something that nothing a secret obsession we both enjoy telling everyone we’re just friends lies we both know aren’t true do you not understand how much i want you? purely based on fantasy i’ll be the princess and you can be my king the ruler of our own made up world you would take me on dates nobody would know our age in a different state, let’s run away together i promise it’s worth it boy meets girl son meets daughter let’s start a life together have 3 kids raise them to be our own nothing will matter when it’s just the 2 of us alone i promise it’s worth it

as I stared into the eyes of the person I once loved every ounce of my affection turned into aggravation for I am not the evil one I try my best to be kind l try my best to smile at strangers when they pass by but I don’t need to blame others to feel content with myself
everything I say or do relates to my mental health every day I step a little closer to forgiveness Life is too short to feel guilty within yourself you apologize for past mistakes and look toward the future for I will get better and I believe this with my whole heart I am not the person I used to be
I am not the person who was used I am not gonna be an abuser even though I was abused and I find beauty in this every day when I look at myself in the mirror I no longer point out every flaw as I stare at the body I used to hate I only have compliments to say to her because now I have realized I’m speaking to her younger self we all deserve to be treated with respect so why do we sell ourselves short when it comes to us we all deserve to feel loved look through the mean things we have done in the past and look through the mean things we will do in the future we are all worthy in someway or another as I stare into the eyes of the person that made me want to die I no longer have hate towards her I only feel pity because now I am thriving I have won because I am happy with myself I no longer need male attention to keep me satisfied I no longer need to show more parts of my body for anyone to love me I love me and that is enough

i woke up with a bang the feeling of past shame i am not her yet i feel like i am the label of slut painted on my face for i want to be loved for every part of me my hair my eyes my smile even my personality as long as im not used for my body i am content but my mind will not allow me to run free trapped in my bed no motivation no empathy no need to eat staring at the blank page trying to feel my poetry not just write it you have to feel your words to process your emotions it’s hard to explain the feeling of numb hard to pin point when it begun since my parents had left me to fend on my own i will alway feel the pain of alone a nightmare that sounds similar to reality listening to my mom as she screams a nightmare that was reality she never understood me to hit me not hear me every time i stood up i gained a little less fear as every tear ran down my young face i knew older me would get out of that place i would run as far as i could to be missing is better than misunderstood i would be my own mother if i had to i would i would start a new life next to the cottonwood trees and maybe just then i would feel happy fill the void with nature not drugs that little girl just needed a hug to be nurtured by her own mother sounded like a dream that young girl turned into a fein she was judged by everyone but she could not help it the older girl needed a hug but where was she to run too? who did she have to run too?

I crave the attention that my mother never gave me just like I crave that last bite of food before my calorie intake has been met I’m constantly craving but I’m never achieving I’m constantly hoping for love and not the kind that is shown from words but is shown from actions the kind of love that you get from knowing me not feeling me not me showing them how to love me but actually caring about me and my mental health not my bra size not lying and saying that they love me when all they loved was how I made them feel trying to heal __ _trying to heal _ _trying to heal _ but I still crave it I crave what has been lost by drugs and cutting myself it was all not once better for me but I’ve never really thought about myself always prioritizing others people pleasing maybe if I make other people happy I will be happy but i am not people and that never happened left alone in a sad empty bed where I rest my head and drown in my pillow but how can I sleep with the lies and the cheating and the goals I haven’t been achieving? I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror all I see is ugly but I know that’s not true people call me pretty but I am not people I’ve never thought highly of myself always striving for more yet I can never accomplish it my lack of motivation ruins my life yet I am not willing to work on it I am not ready to get better I am ready avoid my problems the easy way out the weak man’s medicine shoved into my mouth

romantic silence when just our eyes talk to each other looks across busy rooms knowing we both remember what happened that night and hope that you won’t forget me when you call me to say goodnight praying this isn’t our last goodbye hoping you’ll text me in the morning without begging you too knowing i shouldn’t eat but it comforts me so i do it anyway i worked out today and i tell myself this so i can feel better jealousy, i have eyes of jealousy when she walks in the room and you look at her knowing you used to look at me that way i know i was your downgrade but i still hope you miss me sometimes even if your regretting me at least I’m on your mind lord knows i think about you everyday almost all the time i want her hair and i want to be friends with her friends, i’ve started starving i tell myself i like the feeling of hunger but i no longer feel comfort i see the pain in my own eyes when i look in the mirror he says that’s his favorite part of me but i hate the vulnerability laughing gives me wrinkles so i have stopped laughing i hate my thighs so i have started cutting them i tell myself this is heathy but i know it is not they only like me for my body i dont see what they see in me looking past my personality and admiring the “outside” beauty they see me as a hoe but on the inside i’m broken constantly getting played when will they run out of tokens? he calls me a dime but i like unspoken poetry when we can recognize the heartbreak that fills within my green eyes not to dramatize the truth but only to acknowledge it knowing me for me and not who i am when the sun sets forget what i was when i was unconscious i wasn’t thinking i’m sorry i said i loved you when i knew it wasn’t true forget who i am now i miss when i was apart of you 2 we came in a pair forget who i was when i was jealous i haven’t learned to handle my emotions yet 2 we came in a pair now unspoken guilt flows through the air

i hear them say a girl needs a mother but does that apply to me does my mother make me happy? and i know the answer to that but i try not to believe it because my mother is the reason i cry she is the reason i don’t sleep at night she is the pain in my voice and the sadness in my tears my mother is the reason i want to get out of here she is the reason im often burnt out she’s the reason i go on runs my mother is the reason why i date everyone

i don’t know what it’s like to be loved by a mom but i know i don’t forgive you i know that seeing little girls with there nails painted breaks my heart because i know you never cared about me that way i know it hurts me you don’t care that we’re apart i know that i think about you on holidays and especially Christmas i know i want to ask you so many questions but i don’t know how i know losing you wasn’t on my wish list but i know it’s for the best i know im not the one who needs to fix this but i know ive always been the mother in our relationship

standing on the battle field one body one knife in hand i manage to slit a single vain my bodys voice yells out in pain “why do you hate me?” maybe it was the lack of mothers love maybe its cause you didnt meet your weight goal never filling the void always digging deeper

your forcing your love on me i dont want you cause you dont know me sure you want to feel me touch me but no you do not know me i settle for nothing so i can feel something i want you to know my favorite color i want you to memorize my full name you shouldnt know how my curves feel until you know my pain no guys ever loved me like i’ve wanted to be loved red flags of resistance scream in the back of my mind being forgotten forceful winds win this time so this is how i lose it my mind and my respect flys out the window forceful winds leaving a part of me behind the part that wouldve said no