I go through these phases where I feel completely distant from everyone around me I feel drained with any interaction I feel Small

I don’t know what to make of this How to stop this from happening It just feels like a part of me now Like this is just meant to happen But Why?

The moon has its own phases too It becomes full and everyone stops in their tracks to look at its beauty But how do people feel when it’s only a sliver? It’s small Distant And possibly even unimportant because it’s not being the brightest light of the night

That’s how I feel 
I feel dim 
Like I’m fading away 
No matter what someone says it doesn’t
bring me back 






 No matter how many people I might be
 talking to  
 Or might be around 
 I feel 
 Alone 







  Why? 
  Why do I feel like I’m here 
  But I’m not at the same time 








   Why do I have to go through these dark
   phases every other week      
   Every other day 
   Every other hour 
   Why? 








    Why do I feel 
                                 So 
                                            Far 
                                                       Away

I’m sitting in this car burning eyes tracking

The skinny girls with their shiny legs and shinier smiles

I stare with eyebrows messier than the blood pooling beneath the skin of my knees purple, yellow, green

hanging onto their conversations by the skin of my teeth

They let me in a door cracked open

Just far enough that my form misshapen and awkward can get through

They let me talk; Trotting a zoo animal around a room and i’ll trot i’ll trot for them

So long as they keep on ignoring the knobby mess of my hands and the wrongness of my smile

But we’ll both know it somewhere

They’ll know it in the cadence of my speech and i’ll know it in the perfect red hearts

Still beating in their chests.

If I were a thought

I would pass you by

Two, Three,
Four, Is company

Five I arrive And suddenly a crowd

If I were a sound I would echo

If you were a cavern you’d answer back

If a crowd were a room it’d be empty

If I were a thought I’d pass you by

           why
     do          you

give me such a wide berth

    Why am I always

an arm’s length away?

Why do the crowds surround yet I feel so alone?

If you were a bubble could I break through?

If you were a cavern would you hear me?

If I were your friend would you listen?

      If I were an echo

whose voice would call back?

If I were a thought

Would I pass you by?

If I weren’t alone would I know it?

 If I were lonely

would you break from the crowd keep me company?

If I were a thought Would you think it?

Words hit my head like they’re muffled by pillows. I see the same world that you do, But I’m not here.

I’m Never Here.

My friends are making casual conversation. I probably just seem spacy. It doesn’t matter, I’ll be good, I’ll smile and nod.

Sometimes nobody sees me. sometimes nobody sees me.

Am I an echo? Do I bounce back your words like a cavernous wall? What would it take for me to say something of my own again. Take back my words. Take back what I said.

I’m sick in the head . . Sometimes I want people to worry for me, But I also want to seem fine. I’ll disclose nothing. It’s in my instinct to lie. Sometimes I wish they worried for me, Thinking it would change a thing, But then my rational mind takes over, So I don’t say a thing.

My friends feel like I’m being distant. That’s fine, I am. But I don’t want them to leave me. You just don’t understand.

I must be lonely’s little secret

cause there’s people

all around

trying so hard to keep it

so all my friends

don’t find out

I must be lonely’s forbidden lover

cause I’m known as

the “good friend”

but at night lonely comes over

and we tangle sheets

in my bed

I reach out, Pull my hand back.

I’m meant to die like this. My heart hurts. I feel empty.

You reach out, Trying to help me out Of this.

I can’t take it. I won’t burden you. I feel guilty.

Some… no, many people have it worse. So many people need more help than me.

That breaks my heart. So I bury it. Bury it underneath My smile

No one can help You ask if I’m better That pushes me deeper Can’t get me out

I closed the door Stuck

I walk around So many people To talk to.

I keep it in. Can’t burden Can’t ask For help

Don’t help me out Don’t want to worry you Can’t

Don’t worry I’m fine

I’m deeper Hidden inside No help

Leave

My heart broken You’re gone

I’m alone.

I dance alone In a darkened Corner of the dance floor. I dance alone Although, mortals dance about in a energetic soar I dance alone Dancer of time and space I dance alone Dancing my own pace I dance alone Lost in thought To cease the yesterday of fraught I dance to forget the “Magic man” Who shattered my soul I dance alone Pondering “Whom the bells toll” I dance alone For healing and to disremember I dance alone To my own curative ember Still today I dance alone

“My solitude does not depend on the presence or absence of people; on the contrary, I hate who steals my solitude, without, in exchange, offering me true company.”

    ╰ ──┉─¡! • !¡─┉── ╯

Mindless chatter, a ceaseless stream, Hollow words of empty dreams. False grins, false mirth, yet they question why I abstain from their discordant, shallow tie.

I dig for substance in their smiles To make their company worthwhile. To find no cherished books, no melody's embrace, No pondering of virtue, no moral grace. So no wonder I prefer the silence.

In my head I’m not alone I have my voice and many more, With my imagination I can talk. Without the shallow empty thoughts.

Labeled weird, a little odd In my solitude I’ll rot. Waiting till true company is found. For loneliness is better than a room of silent sounds.

No one knows the hurt. No one knows the pain. No one knows how it feels…

They’ll tell you they do. They say they know everything. They’ll tell you it only gets easier.

But when you’re at the bottom of the ocean, when the whole world shakes and shivers and darkness closes in…

No one will ever understand. Strangers, friends, family… It’s truly all the same.

Hurt, darkness, pain. It’s truly all in the heart… In your head, as they say.

No one will ever know. It’s facts not pity statements. I’ve come to see that.

And now I accept it.

I’m drifting

An eddy in the current, A puckered scar On the face of a clear lake

The distance Is Killing me

Skin everywhere Bodies, walking, moving

Skeleton sockets boring into me Into my dim corner By the wall Where I nurse my broken sense of belonging

I want to go home

Not to the place I sleep at night But to the person I love To the hands that breeze my hair, Gentle my shaking arms, Butterfly across my stomach.

I want to hold and Be held

I need you to ground me Pull me back down Back to Us

Because I’m flying apart I’m singed

I’m drifting