Before the snow first fell, There was a beautiful sight I knew all too well. A gorgeous rose with petals so bright, Tough it couldn’t make it through Even one cold winter night. My beautiful, bright rose died. Oh, how many tears I cried, They had a cost… The rose was forever lost, Deep within winter’s first snow. Now I know, Nothing perfect can stay, But I would someday Find a way Though the pain and strife Of loss of life. Love. That’s what could pull me through, I had my darling white dove. Who? Why, of course it’s you! With you by my side, I could toss That pain of loss Away from where my heart resides. My love, my dove, My darling, my life, With you as my own, I can push through all strife From the loss of life. Love is truly a magical thing, Especially since mine is you, My everything.

Have you ever been in love? Begin again, lonely mass, Your star trail is home. Wipe clean the journey of your return, The daylight screams upon you. Carry the weight of a missing limb, Flailing from your feet. You’ll smoothe through the sand one day, I promise. One step Infront of the other, The tides will embrace you. Have you ever been in love? Did it remind you of a setting sun?

Where are you, Teddy Bear? I loved you so much And I still do But you are gone Why?! I try to ask people But no one has found you Some people don’t even look But Mommy tells me “They didn’t get to see your bear through sparkling eyes like you got to” You let me hold you Everywhere On the twisty slides In the bumpy car At my overcrowded home And through the hot summer days I wish you stayed, Teddy Bear Because no bear At any store Wears a birthday hat Made by me Like you do I can’t find you No matter where I look Mommy tells me That you are probably At a nice cottage Sitting by a fireplace Safe and warm But that’s not here I want you here and Nowhere else I don’t want to have to Cry for you anymore Like I do every night Or call to you while Staring at the emptiness Between the golden stars Like I do every night I just want you by my side But now Mommy is asking me To be brave And close my eyes without you Since it’s been weeks I don’t want to And I’m scared But my eyes are swollen And I am only seven So I don’t know How much longer I can go Without rest And I know you Always got lonely Just waiting on my bed When I would stay up late So tonight, I will try But Teddy Bear. I will always love you I will always remember You as my first best friend I love my other friends But you, Teddy Bear, Will always be My very Very First🧸🩷 Love, Mimi -Caralia🫶🏼 Sending you guys teddy bears!🧸🧸🧸❤️❤️❤️❤️

_Nothing will ever be the same. _ Parked on the side of the high way Pain pouring from out in streams Sorrows drowned in bad decisions Memories buried beneath months of mistakes _Everything is different now_ __ __ Isolation, a desperate need to hide How does anyone ever survive this? This was meant to be forever Now, there is only a vague remembering__ __ _This is for the best _ __ __ Healing happens slowly, then all at once Nothing has ever cut so deep before Resurfacing from a pit of darkness The first sunrise after the return is nearly blinding. _This is for the best_ __ Time moves quickly after that Life changes with the swiftness of a speeding bullet Suddenly, there are dishes and laundry School drop offs bedtime stories. _Everything is different now_ __ __ Even dreams have changed No longer stuck in the desires of youth. Where once there were dreams of travel and chaos, Now there are fantasies of stability and peace. _Nothing will ever be the same. _

When darkness falls and life fades away, you are left with spiralling thoughts, misguided dreams, and hollow promises. In those times, it's easy to retreat into the safety of your mind, into the parallel life that was never yours. For a moment you forget. As the sun rises, you view the world through a telescopic lens. But all you see is the emptiness of the patterns you so desperately seek.

I’ve never truly known what love meant. I mean I loved my mom and I’m sure that as a little baby my dad made me smile. But Davian is different. I say it a lot. Maybe too much, but the love of someone who doesn’t have to love you. It’s the greatest kind of love there is. Especially when you love that person back just the same way. Like all little kids when Mom would bring up kissing or have a show with romance I’d groan and run out of the room. But what that little me had never known was that kissing wasn’t something you did just because. It was something you did when a hug or words weren’t strong enough. Maybe that’s the reason marriages are began with a kiss. Why all the greatest love stories have that perfect kiss in the rain. Why it becomes a wish that people want. Because it’s true, actions do speak louder than words. And a kiss is the strongest act of love. At least it is for me. . . . After I woke up from my sleep in the hospital and Davian was the first person my eyes met. That’s kind of when I knew, that he was going to be there for me. And when Aunt Trish came in the room crying with her hand covering her mouth. That’s when I knew that she cared for me. When her arms wrapped me in a warm hug and her tears melted into my hospital gown. I was glad to leave that place. It was filled with memories of Mom. Of the day I found out she was gone. Gone for good. Davian slowly laces his fingers in between mine as we walk out of the hospital and into the world. I glance over my shoulder at the huge oak tree and the small wooden bench. That’s where this began, my eyes slide to Davian’s hand that’s still gently in mine. That’s where all of this began. “There’s something I want to show you,” Davian’s soft voice breaks me out of my thoughts. I smile at him, squeezing his hand as a little jolt of happiness runs down my spine. “Show me.” I press, not in a mean way. At least I hope not. I just want to know everything about this boy. Everything I’ve always heard and more. “Well . . .” Davian trails as he swings our hands back and forth. “It’s a place.” A place. “Take me there,” I say as Davian lets out a small laugh. “It’s a long walk,” he eyes become serious as he meets mine. “You up for it?” I nod giving Davian a reassuring smile. “I promise you I’m fine.” Davian licks his lips. “I don’t want to force you. If you’re not ready. I mean you just got out of the hospital, it’s totally cool if you—“ “Davian,” I say with a small laugh. “I swear I’m good.” Davian’s lips flash a small smile. “Okay then.” We stop on the sidewalk, Davian grab my other hand as he leans closer to me. My heart flutters as we inch closer to each other. We’ve kissed twice but still I can’t stop thinking about how crazy my heart was the first time. Davian gently touches his lips to mine, his perfect scent of leather and some kind of soft oceany breeze filling my nose. We break apart my heart still racing as my cheeks start burning. _He’s so . . . Perfect. _ __ _“_You sure?” Davian mumbles our faces still only inches apart. I lick my lips as I lean in for another quick kiss. “I’m sure.” __ __ __ __ _To be continued . . . _ __

***_not a poem._** Every night, I stumble into our home, lost in my own head. I eat Chinese food leftovers, _his_, silently at the dimly lit island table. Sometimes I sit, wrapped in a blanket on the couch, instead. But I do the same thing as I eat. I mourn. I mourn, and I cry, mascara staining my frail face. No matter how much I try to shove my thoughts to back of my mind, whether through _Gilmore Girls _or _YouTube Shorts, _I still cry. There’s no hiding my feelings. No matter what I do, the moment my baby’s heart stopped beating replays _over and over again_ through my head. But despite this, I drag myself up the stairs to our cold and empty bed. I keep drowning my thoughts with Netflix, until I hear his keys jingle in the lock. Until I hear the fridge door open, close again, then his feet drag up the stairs, too, in the same way mine did. By the time he gets himself up here, too, I’m dozing off; Lord knows if I snore. I’m sure _he _does, too. It’s been a year since our wedding— two young, hopeless romantics not wanting to wait to grow. We were only twenty- one, not knowing any better. It’s been three months since our baby Jaice was born. My husband was twenty-two then. Jaice was a little ray of sunshine, always giggling, despite his rare heart condition. We were told that aborting was a better option, but we believed God wanted us to give him a life. It’s been a month since Jaice died in the NICU; Still a baby. But it’s been three weeks since the realization hit. We both got more short- tempered, and he hasn’t uttered a full sentence to me since. We haven’t been to church since, and people talk in this small town of ours. We haven’t been anywhere together since, either, and he switched to the night shift at his work. That’s why I never see him, and he’s never there when I cry. He gets up early, and comes home late. Why I haven’t even stepped foot in the untouched nursery, too scared to do it without him. Why we haven’t eaten properly in days. The door croaks open, light from the kitchen seeping in. He sighs, enters, and slowly closes the door behind him. I hear him enter the closet, then come back out in plaid pajamas. Normally, I’d pretend to sleep, but tonight, I turn over to face him. He gazes into my eyes, timidly, and swiftly runs his hand through his perfect, _Dean Forester_ hair. “So…” I start. He sits at the edge of the bed, looking down shyly as I study his face. I notice how his eyes make him look like a raccoon, with dark circles around ‘em. How his cheek bones are more prominent, and how his deep, sapphire eyes look _so tired. _ Realization of the mess this had made us dawning, tears stream uncontrollably down my face; and I crawl to the end of the bed with him. I don’t care about the past. He’s here now, right here, and I need him. He holds me as I bawl my eyes out, feeling smaller than ever before— and that says a lot since I’m considerably tall. Though, that one foot and two inches really made a difference in height as I lay close to his chest, the rhythm of his heart soothing and strong. He kisses my forehead, strokes my coily hair, and begins to break his silence as I breathe in his smell of _Axe body spray _and autumn. “ I love you. I don’t know why or where I’ve been. I shouldn’t have just closed off like that..! I mean, it was selfish of me to just… leave you like this. Every morning, too.” It feels _so good _to hear that from him. And as he lay me down, stroking clean my face of tears, I think of everything bad, everything unfortunate that happened in my life. Our senior cat went missing. How it took _him_, my husband, _eight years _to realize I loved him. How _our_ Jaice only got to live a short and limited two months, those hard days where we had to see him hooked up to all those tubes and machines. But through those days, he stayed content, and a little bundle of joy. He _was _my life. My home. Those were my best days. I remember thinking that one day, we’d be out of there— and that it would all just get better. But I watched my husband’s face when we heard Jaice’s chance of survival. I thought there was still hope. But here we are. I guess you don’t always get what you want. He lies down next to me, breathing shakily, eyes fixed on the woods through the window. “Hey..,” I say reassuringly. I wrap an arm around him, finding its way through his hair. He finally looks back at me. “Hey.” He replies and smiles sincerely. I do so back, pressing my lips against his, and as I pull back—foreheads still touching— I whisper: “We‘ll get through this. It’ll end.” “ I love you… so much.” “ love you, too. _To the moon and to Saturn. _Night.” —————————————————— Thanks to those of you who read all the way to the end, lol. This was more like a full chapter! Should I make a pt.2?? -based off a true story <3

You must understand, the moment I heard of your death my heart fell out of my chest. It fell to the ground, and like a tender piece of fruit, it bruised. My own two hands were wiping the globs of tears rolling down my face, with a searing hiss they burned my skin. Grief was the one who picked my heart up off the dirt, and gave it a home. It held my bruised bloody heart, like a piece of fruit, up to the light. Grief didn’t flinch at the sight of it. Instead it savored the leaking juice of pain that fell from my heart, and with two hands Grief crushed my heart. I wailed and I screamed and none of it mattered, because you were gone. You are gone. Grief holds my heart captive. When it has hurt for too long, Grief is tender and comforts my bleeding, beating heart. Oh, and when I ignore it, Grief forces me to remember, and rips a bight out of my heart as it’s juicy pain drips down the arm of Grief. I can barely breath with the weight of Griefs grip. What am I supposed to do! I have never been taught how to grieve! I have never been taught what to do with it! When it gets too much my heart is like a rotten fruit, and I am nauseous, physically nauseous. All I know is to barf out tears and feel the bruising pain. For comfort and tenderness I don’t allow myself to feel. Because it is so much. I love, I love you. You are gone. Where do I put my love for you? Grief has given my heart back to me. I am sitting here with my crumpled, rotten heart, still somehow beating, in my grimy hands. And I miss you. And I love you. In all this bloody mess, I am starting to see the good. Jesus asks me for my heart, I give it freely to Him. Its healed the moment His fingers brush against it. With all my heart I hate that you died, but I know you are very much alive. You are very much alive, and very much in peace. I know this because the One who created me and you is holding you in His arms. I see you. I see you alive and so peaceful. I see you breathing. I see you in the arms of the One whom I love most. He holds my hand and He gives me comfort. It still aches and aches, yet He sits with me in the pain of your death. I am not alone. Our good, good Father is here with us. I am just so, so very sad. I didn’t want you to die. Yet I could ask for nothing greater, than for you to experience no pain, and the love of the Father for all eternity.

Memories are a painful thing to remember Especially ones about you, I still remember your laugh and your smile and The way you made others laugh too But it was all fake, wasn't it? So long I waited for your return Because I believed the lie you told me That you would be my true friend? My childhood died when you shattered My trust when anxiety found a way in When all I wanted was your trust? Life happened again, right? That's why you moved across the country and only decided to show up when things mattered most Not when I needed you, no, because you always said if understand when I'm older or Why you can't come to visit anymore You say it is hard to visit but I don't think You want to deal with the way you left things And when I needed you most, you sent a sheriff to my door, that didn't help did it? You couldn't have called me? Or visited? I'm now terrified of the sheriff and police not because of guilt but because they might do something that would make things worse It's been almost five years since you left But you wouldn't care, I know I stopped caring when things happened maybe I'm being selfish or maybe it's an attachment anxiety But things are different now fate happened When I was too blind trying to chase you God gave me a friend and she fits my personality perfectly We met at a horse back riding barn And if known her for almost three years But tell me why I'm so scared of losing her The way I lost you What if I told her my problems? No, she dosn't deserve to relive that pain I walked through I have a good communication with her But I don't always keep texting her I'm scared I might lose her The way I lost you It's sad isn't the way Things turned out I found a friend I thought You would be and yet I'm scared I'll lose her like I lost you I wish I didn't have to Go through this pain But when I see Olivia My pain goes away slightly We bonded over cats We have a huge passion for horses And dragons She's my other half Just like in how to train your Dragon She's my light fury And I'm her night fury We are close friends And one day I hope she's meets The sister I looked up too

Loss My greatest loss It was my 64 day streak SIXTY FOUR SIXTY FOUR DAYS OF HARD WORK ALL GONE DOWN THE DRAIN ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO WATCH TV :(((((((((( WHY CRUEL WORLD WHYYYYYY