I stare up at him from my vantage point on the hard wood floor. He edges around me from time to time muttering “Barkley, just move.” I don’t want to move. I am comfortable. The floor is nice and cool on my belly and the rhythmic hum of the box fan is mesmerizing, hypnotizing. I feel like falling asleep much more than I feel like moving. My eyes grow heavy. And then I am hit by something. Suddenly. My eyes snap open and I violently shake my head to rid myself of the offending article. A shirt.

“Fuck,” he curses as he now runs over to the sink. The water runs. I wonder if he will share some of the water with me. So I don’t have to walk out to my bowl. But he doesn’t seem to be filling anything up with it. Such a waste. Instead he covers a small stick, which he never wants to play fetch with, with something that looks sticky and smells a little too sweet for my liking and shoves it in his mouth. Usually when he’s not frantically jumping around he says something about being minty fresh to me. But not today.

Today when he is done, he just starts spinning in circles, chanting the word “Shoes…shoes…shoes….” I’m not quite sure what he is aiming to gain from this. If he believes himself to suddenly be magic. Or if he’s just looking for a nice place for a lie down, as one of his hands begins moving clothes around on the floor. Continuing to mutter to himself about shoes.

Finally he seems satisfied as he stops talking to himself and sits on the edge of the bed, still for the first time all morning. And he puts something on his feet. I slowly rise and walk over to him, butting his hand with my head. And he gives me a smile that does not seem quite real as he pets me. The pets are quick and short, like his attitude all morning. And then he speaks. “We’ll play later,” he promises, his eyes appearing apologetic. “But right now, I have to go. I’m going to be late for work.”

I hear crashing about and cursing. Can’t a guy eat his breakfast in peace.

Walking through to his bedroom, I find my dad.

“Where is my ruddy tie? I’m going to be …” I stop listening, thinking for a moment.

Making my way back to the living room I see his tie sticking out from between the sofa cushions. Next moment I’m nosing his leg. Dad looks down.

“Good boy.” I let him take it as he rushes onwards.

Next I hear “ ….. Socks” Same routine and another pat on my head.

Then it’s his shoes. I watch as he, now fully suited and booted, grabs his mass of keys and rushes out of the house. I give a doggy sigh as I see his wallet on the floor. I move it gently and wait.

After a moment the front door crashes open.

“Where’s my wall ….” He starts, as I interrupt with a bark. Pointing to the wallet on the floor, I push it towards him.

Grabbing it he pats me on the head, yet again. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

‘Never make it to work at all, late or not!’ I think as I watch the door close one last time.

Now I can finish my breakfast in peace.

I don’t understand hoomans. They say one thing like, “How about we go to the park today, buddy?” And then they walk past you like you’re not even there! Repeating words that don’t make much sense to a dog.

“Damn it! Damn it”. “Knew I shouldn’t have went out with John and Rick last night! Those fools don’t know when to put down a glass!” And then they rush around the room, searching for certain objects. It’s usually always a cellphone, or a wallet. Ooh, ooh! I remember a common one. “Where’s your ball, boy? Let’s go to the park instead!” Oh wait, that never happens.

Sometimes they look at you funny. “Would you happen to know where my car keys are, Ollie?” I respond with a bark. Hoping he’ll get the hint that I would much rather be outside, chasing a nice squirrel. “You’re no help.” My hooman says. He’s late to work, he has said many times this morning. I wonder what it’s like to be hooman and have to go to work so much. It sounds quite boring. Or maybe it’s just mine who has a boring job. Maybe I could have a job, a fun job, where I chase squirrels and get tummy rubs as my pay. That would be my personal Heaven.

Then he has everything he needs and the clock says 8:54 and he’s very upset about that. His shirt is poorly tucked into his shirt, he says he didn’t have time to put gel in his hair. When he’s about to leave, without his daily cup of coffee, he comes over to my bed, and rubs behind my ears. I quite like it when he rubs my ears. “See you soon, Ollie.” And then he leaves. And I become lonely. But he always leaves me food and water, and keeps the T.V. on so I can watch other dogs who share my hatred of squirrels.

People may think dogs have boring lives, but at least we don’t have to go to work.

I was sleeping by my human’s feet when she randomly jumped up, kicking me in the process. She only had time for a brief apology before rushing into the bathroom to put her mouth stick in her mouth while sitting on the giant water bowl.

I stretched out, waiting for my usual belly rubs, but she just patted me before hopping into her leg coverings and running out of the room. I hopped down from the bed, only to see her rushing around, not taking time to talk to me like she normally does.

She let me do my business in the backyard, but as soon as I stepped foot back inside, she was closing the see through hard thing and saying bye to me.

I started whining and trying to block her way, but she just pushed me aside after a few head pats and left. I was left there, calling after her, and trying to open the door the same way she did, although lower.

Buzz, Buzz, Buzz — whatever box that makes that sound should be broken immediately. My human has it set so loud that it haunts my dreams. And today, he's not stopping it. This machine has to be stopped. If he can't do it, I will! Here I go ... aha! If i pull this off of the table....BOOM! Yes, peace and quiet, now for more sleepy time. Oh no! Why is my human talking like that. Why does everything have to be loud here ? I guess it's time to get up. I need water. Where is my breakfast, human ? I need food. Hungry. Hi. Good morning sir. Wait. Why are you angry ? What are you looking for? I need food. Please. Why are you searching through those smelly clothes. What are you going so fast for ? This is not right. I need food. I will just sit here until you find what you're looking for ? You have given me no attention or love...or FOOD. I am upset with you. HELLO! DO YOU HEAR ME ? My human cannot hear today. Oh they are getting me food. Yummy. Oh yes. Thank you so much human. Yes. Yes. I love scratches. Now they are leaving already. I am sad, but I am not hungry anymore. Wow that was fast of them to leave. Now what will I do all day ? I think for now I will have another nap.

Vivian stared at her Human as she danced around the room looking for her purse. She wasn’t sure it was dancing as much as tired stumbling. As far as her Human was involved,they both looked the same. There was a triumphant noise. “Ha!” The Human must have found the bottomless abyss. Why she needed to carry so many things other than catnip, the grey Persian wondered lazily, I’ll never know.

“Keys!” The Human said. The dangly things? Hurts when you bite them? They’re where you always put them,in the hot liquid bowl,under the white stick in the wall on the high place. After a moment longer Vivian noticed she wasn’t going to find them without help so she jumped up and sat beside the bowl,meowing loudly and continually.

The Human looked over at her distressed feline and spotted the coffee mug,under the light switch,on the kitchen counter. She gave the cat a quick pet,reasoning that her furry baby was more important than getting to work on time. And where were her shoes?!

Vivian stretched as her Human rubbed her but it was cut short as she began moving again. She perked up and narrowed her amber eyes as she realized what was coming next. The snake! The Human was putting on her paw protectors but that snake was back,stinking through holes in the protectors. She leapt,determined to claim the prize of the hunt as her own this time.

The woman was about to start tying her sneakers up when Vivian came skidding on the floor and was on the shoe laces in a flash! “No!” She told the cat. “Not now! Good sneakers are expensive!” She struggled her way to the door dragging the cat from one tied foot.

The Human fought for her right to the snake with a ferocity that bordered on desperation. Finally she was shaken off at the door and Vivian conceded the hunt to her human again. But as the door closed after a quick “I love you” that made her purr happily,she remembered that glorious day she won the snake. Her Human had to bring a new one home the next day. It really was a good thing she had adopted the Human. She would have died without me here to help her.

I’ve seen plenty of things in my 6 years (human years) but never anything like this morning. I’ve seen things. Weird, weird things through those big, brown puppy dog eyes that get me whatever I want. I awoke to sunlight heating my back. The sweet, strong perfume of thick, juicy bacon. I rolled over so that the sun warmed my face. My tail thumped on the ground out of happiness. After basking in the sunlight for a while I got up to hunt for the bacon. When I found it I helped myself to 12 pieces and a couple of waffles. I carried them back to my fluffy dog bed and gnawed at the new bone I got for my birthday last week. And that’s when the tornado hit. “Ugh, I’m late! I’m late! I’M LATE!” Owner shrieked. Rushing through the apartment grabbing things as she goes. “AH! Where are my waffles? And my bacon?” She cried in a frenzy. “DAISY!!” She yelled plowing through the room to get to me. “I looked up into her blue-gray eyes and tried the puppy dog eyes. “Oh, that’s not going to work on me today!” She said. I looked down in disappointment. “I have a big conference today! And I’ve already overslept! And now I don’t have breakfast! Thanks a LOT Daisy!” She cried. I whimper. “I’m sorry but I’m stressed!” She sighed looking in her hands. “Why am I holding this?” She asked herself holding up a roll of toilet paper. “Ugh, whatever.” She groaned throwing it on the table. She threw open the fridge and grabbed a smoothie. I jump up and chase my tail. “What are you doing Daisy?” She asks spinning around and sloshing the smoothie all down the front of her new blouse. “ARGH!” She yelled. “Now I have to change!” She flew back into her room to change when I saw something out of the window. My ears perked up and my tail started wagging out of control. This has happened before. I barked and dashed to the window yapping at the squirrel darting around in the tree. An electric feeling ran through me and I threw myself on the window with a loud thump. “Daisy!” Owner cried rushing out of her room with a new blouse on. “What are you doing?” I continued barking and trying to reach the squirrel. Owner grabbed a piece of toast and flew out the door yelling her goodbye and screaming “Coming through!” And, “I’m late!” I nudged the door closed and jumped up to push the lock with my nose. I went back to my bed and curled up, my puppy dog eyes finally closing after a crazy morning. And I’m a dog! I can let owner pick up all the tipped over furniture and spilled food.

Dashing around Lost and found Keys again Coffee and then Leaving the house Quiet like a church mouse Hustle and bustle Return in a fussle She forgot her lunch On the counter, a bunch Bananas and apples Leaving her messy castle She forgot me My treat, you see I bark and whine But she hasn’t the time And again no walk I wish I could talk Can’t she take just one day off To spend some time to goof off But no the bills must be paid Look the bed isn’t made I wish I could help I’m just her pet, nothing else Oh look, here she comes She knows I’m the one She bends down and hugs me Tells me she loves me That she’ll be back real soon And for me to watch the room To be a good boy To play with my toys That I’m her precious sweet man And with a kiss, her day began

Tessa🦋

The Man-Baby was late for something again today.

In his rushed panic to get dressed he not only kicked over my entire bowl of water, but he also slipped on my ducky. Then, he had the audacity to get mad at ME for leaving it lying around.

Maybe he should spend less time staying up all night on the little light up toy of his, and actually go to bed on time. Then perhaps he wouldn’t always be so late for whatever it is he did everyday.

I stood patiently at my bowl watching as he scrambled around the kitchen for things to fill his own hungry belly with before he left.

Meanwhile, here I was, absolutely STARVING as I waited for him to serve me breakfast. It had been a whole two hours since I devoured the last of my food from the bowl, and now I was practically dying with hunger.

The Man-Baby paused mid sip of his drink before looking down at me with wide eyes.

“Oh crap! Sorry Ken. I completely forgot about breakfast!”, he exclaimed.

He put down his drink quickly and It didn’t go unnoticed that the brown liquid inside sloshed over the edge and spilled onto the counter.

And the Man-Baby had the nerve to call me messy?

He bent over my bowl with the bag of food, narrowly missing the bowl the first tim he tried to pour the food in. I shook my head and sighed as I watched him make even more of a mess. I mean, it could be worse. At least he hadn’t decided to-

“There we go Kenny. A bowl full of fwood for my wittle baby boy”

-and there it was. My appetite had suddenly disappeared and now I was left feeling mildly nauseous.

I thought I had gotten lucky this time. Thought I’d be able to have at least one morning free from that annoying voice. But no, the blubbering fool decided to grace me with that annoying baby voice of his again this morning. I wonder if he thought me dumb. Maybe that’s why he spoke to me with that voice. That voice that failed to form proper syllables and made every word from his lips an annoying slobbery mess of vowels.

Just then, the most wickedest of thoughts crossed my mind. I knew just how to get him to shut up. I walked slowly up to the Man-Baby, wagging my tail and clawing at his leg in faux excitement. Then I positioned myself just right and…..

“Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good baby- OH MY GOD KEN. DID YOU JUST PEE ON MY FOOT?!”

Stupid Bald Monkey. Gone off without leaving me my food. I’ve teased more intelligent dogs.

Most days Bald Monkey is ok. It feeds me, it keeps the den warm. It leaves the flappy-clatter thing open so I can get in and out. Except sometimes when it has stayed out later than me and come back all wobble-shouty. Then it can’t wake up. Very smelly, farty monkey.

Now I’ll have to go and rub myself over female monkey in that other den. She’ll give me fish, which are better than rattle-box food anyway. Maybe live with female monkey?