Is it right for me to be tired?

With all that I ask for?

With all that I’m given?

To embrace the sickly green veins as they bulged from my hands

In pain

In effort

An effervescent always-present straining of the eyes

Streaming of the knowledge

The red in them

Flowing from heart to brain

Brain to heart

Soul to earth

Toil for soil

For life to form from it

Am I deserving of this pain?

I will force the door until it shuts on my fingers

Let you sever the bone from my body

But I will not let go

I asked him for strength

Convinction

And when my arms reached for what was beyond

He shut the doors wide open

He shut the wide door open He chilled his lunch in the oven Oh I’m feeling a wee bit up I think I might throw down

I’m as silly as a snake And happy as a ham No clue what this all means I just am.

It’s when he died That it all started The sun seemed to hide Behind the curtain of clouds And the rain cried down on me

It hadn’t rained for years Ever since I fell in love with him I’d missed it But even more than these tears I miss him

His smile and laugh His whole personality His funny side that made me cry of laughter His kind side that made me feel so special

I miss him But he died for me It’s what everyone says right? That there soul died for them Well it’s true

He knew how much I missed the rain And he knew he was connected with it He could see how I longed for someone to cry with So he took a knife to his chest And he let his life go

I did miss the rain My partner to cry with The tears that fell from the sky But not as much as I miss him

When he came the sun shined It was hot and hot and just hot But he cooled me down He brought me inside the house of his heart And I no longer burned from the sun

He shut the door But it was for me And now he’s shut the door open wide For me For the rain He gave up everything

No one reads me like he does

In the company of others I have always been a closed book A poker-faced, uncaring npc

I do not show my strengths And I always hide my weaknesses You only see what I want you to see

I build my walls higher than the Eiffel tower Because I learnt long ago Never to trust anyone

But then there was him The only one I ever trusted The only one I ever loved

He tore down my walls And broke through my gates

He unlocked my heart And flipped through my pages

With him, My life was an open book

But then he changed his mind He decided I wasn’t worth loving He decided I wasn’t good enough

He broke my heart into pieces And left me vulnerable Lying bare on the floor

So my walls built themselves higher Yet my heart was still exposed Because he shut the door wide open

I made it Then I didn’t He chose me But he shouldn’t He sees me But he couldn’t He tempts me But I wouldn’t

But in the bubble Anything can be He’s just a mentor Invested in me His ring Said one thing But his eyes Said otherwise Texting in riddles Hiding his power with playlists Finding permission in omition The only truth that also lies

Then to my surprise Pop He shut the door wide open

He let me in to his bed but blocked off his heart. He shut the door wide open.

One kiss, one night With this, they were over It was he who drove her One kiss, one slight

She trusted him Betrayed forevermore Their future grim She’s crying on the floor

He shut the door wide open Closed her heart with his betrayal Blowing their happy ever after

He shut the door wide open His deception a portrayal Of the pain she’ll carry hereafter

“Aw buggar!, he’s not coming.” Andy said to me, putting her phone down on the coffee table. She was referring to her Jack’s romantic rendezvous later on, that she had told me so excitedly about just moments before.

This was a usual occurrence. Jack would come and go as he wanted. He knew he could muck Andy around and that Andy would forgive him every time.

“Ah” I sighed because the atmosphere of our coffee meet up had changed from excitement and been replaced by a veil of gloom.
I just want to say to her - you’re too good for him - he’s not worth it - don’t waste your time with him. But I don’t. Ive said it all before.

Andy could preempt my thoughts and said “Well that’s it; I’m not gonna have anything to do with him anymore. He’s let me down too many times. I’m gonna close that door. He’s not coming back in my life again.”

I thought to myself that however much she thinks she’s shut the door on him; she’s left that door wide open.

There’s a man out there who shouldn’t be this lost He should know his way around the block a bit at this point you’d think But maybe he didn’t think it was really happening and when I say it I mean life This nigga knew not when to turn left or right or say hello or goodbye He was the kindest person you’d meet but ten toes down was a phrase only mentioned by those sure of their path, right or wrong He was scared of making the wrong choice so he thought no choice was better entirely Inaction and the lack thereof bred complacency and a stay and see mindset This nigga could make something rattle not shake This nigga could think on his knees but not on his feet This nigga could breath love into others lives but not his own Seek guidance and light my child you’ll find a way Even if you think I’m not worthy I know you’ll say It’s not my time nor right nor place I’m sorry you don’t think so child He couldn’t hear me as he ran and shut the door wide open

Why do you care who mans the elevator Why do you give a fuck who jumps From fifty million stories up You write the pamphlets in the lobby That recommend Death as a hobby

I’ve learned who I can never trust Nobody fucks with kids like us

The doorman needs the goddamn courage To cut the cords that suspend this shit To burn the phone and snort the mints To call a cab and wait for it

“We hope that you enjoy your stay” Enjoy it? I just paid for this With my autonomy and my wrists

“You can leave whenever you want” Yeah bitch But you set fire to the exits We know the rules that stay unspoken We trust the doorman cause you broke him And we need him to pry the automatic doors open