I dreamt of you last night it was lovely we were at school i told you i missed you and i was sorry you said it was okay you texted me later that night i woke up you weren’t there

come back come back come back i want you to come back i want you to tell me why you didn’t talk to me i want you to tell me why you would want to tell me what i did i don’t know i talked to you the day before school started but you didn’t talk to me why why why please just tell me it’s driving me crazy

The feel of your soft hands on my skin up and down a soothing stroke as you feel my arm because i just waxed it little did i know that would be the last time you touched me

cuddles from you better than my own boyfriend could ever give me your natural scent a comfort i didn’t realize i needed until we stopped holding each other your lovely smelling hair of green apples and something else i can’t quite describe i love your hair now i wish i could be there to tell you that

i don’t know why we don’t talk anymore i truly wonder you got me through one of the lowest points of my life i will be forever grateful to you for that you gave the best hugs and had the sweetest voice and oh god, i miss it you seem sad now i wish i was there to help you but i’m not i’m sorry for that i wish you would come back take me in your open arms draw comforting circles on my back like you used to

Does it ever occur to you that maybe you were the one who stopped talking to me? i lost my best friend too and i miss you but you stopped talking to me embarrassed me when i tried to talk to you and you didn’t answer just nodded your head i smiled at you when i saw you in the hallways with my friends

i still wear your bracelet the string is brown and the letters are scratching off the colors have worn away like our friendship but i still wear it everyday i don’t really know why it’s a comfort thing now honestly sometimes i think if i wear it you’ll come back but you never do

silence is boring peace is a bore quiet is strange I want something more

I turn on pain sensors to experience the world in its entirety

stepping on a sharp twig a small mosquito bite tripping up the staircase accidentally biting my tongue

pain is terrible pain is cruel pain is undesirable

prying open my chest tearing out my heart performing experiments stitching it back up

pain is sad pain is anguish pain is anger

pain is human.

I slink through the alleyway, trying to blend in with the shadows.

The small nook is crowded and has a lingering smell of urine and cigarette smoke. Yes, it’s disgusting, but it’s secluded.

I take my hood off and walk towards the town square of Amethyst Hall. The fountain is cracked and mossy, and the water is dirty, long infected with bacteria and diseases. I take a seat on the shattered marble and utter the password:

“Leeches.”

The fountain sinks and takes me with it. I look up at the sky as the sunlight disappears.

The air is groggier and smellier when I land. No one speaks, but we all wear the same cloak. Black and shrowded. The perfect outfit when you have something to hide.

Juan’s Blades is where I need to be. I look down and push the dark brown door open.

The bell jingles, the only speck of hope in this dreary place, welcoming me into any empty shop.

Juan stands behind the counter, scars lining his face as he wipes down the counter.

“Ah, hello, Nickolas.” He says. He reaches under the counter and pulls out my order. “Here’s the knife you requested.”

I take it carefully. The blade itself is smooth, and the handle is gold and spiraled. It fits perfectly in my hand. I swish it around in the air a few times. Tossing it up in the air, it falls and slices my hand.

I let the blood drip down and coat my arms. Another would use a protection spell, mitigate the pain.

I choose not to.

“Thanks, Juan.” I reply as I pull the knife out of the ground. “Has a nice clean cut.”

I pull up the sleeves on my cloak. I hover the knife over my wrists, which already have plenty of scars. Not that I care.

That’s when I hear voices behind me.

“Royal police! We have you surrounded.”

you don’t have to feel pain at least, not in your heart you can save yourself from being torn apart from feeling a piercing, everlasting pain from heartbreak

he can’t break your heart if it’s not his he can’t break your heart if you don’t show it to him he can’t break your heart if you don’t let him in

all the hurt the lingering pain the endless tears would be spared if you just forgot about him if you just didn’t open up to him if you just didn’t let him get under your skin and into your heart

your soul wouldn’t have left your body your hands wouldn’t be shaking your eyes wouldn’t be dry because all of your tears were cried away you would be okay

but you didn’t listen to me you fell for him and you though he fell for you so you opened up and he tore your heart apart he tore you apart he broke you

you’ve learned your lesson don’t let it happen again it’s happening again but you need to stop you can’t let him have your heart because then he can’t break it and the pain will be spared

I was reading a book and somebody mentioned pain. What it felt like was a mystery for weeks have these inhibitors that stop people from feeling pain. We are told and it’s civilised not feel pain or suffering. What is the sensation of pain. I ran tripped over my knee was bleeding buyt I felt nothing and I wax make to walk up the nearest hospital to get myself healed. Some pain was essential like hunger for survival instincts. I took of my inhibitor ripped it out and ran along a desert trail and I hit bitten by midges and hit stung by a cactus. It was extremely excruciating felt numb Co old move the aching sore stinging sensation my mind and body went to a state of shock. It was so painful I co up d bit put my inhibitor on. I sat there on the road holding my leg as the sunset and thought pain teaches you a lesson

In Montraye, everyone has a button on the back of their neck that turns on pain. But only if they want to. Most people turn it on when they’re in the middle of a terrible traumatic event that scares them and keeps them from ever pressing that button again. People have been led to believe that pain makes you weak. I disagree. You may think that the absence of pain means we live in paradise. It doesn’t. People still get divorced. People still die. People still get cheated on. Babies are still born. People still get injured. Daredevils still do stupid things. People are still abused. All these things continue to happen, just like in your world, reader. But they do not have to suffer the consequences of their actions as severely as you do. Developing meaningful relationships is almost impossible because people can drop you without a second thought and have no pain or regrets. You also cannot_ develop _trust people without pain because part of trusting someone is making yourself vulnerable to them and seeing how they react. Without pain, what is there to be vulnerable about? The world is dull and monotone. This is why I value pain and keep it turned on. I want to experience life in its fullest, truest form.

Though people have called me insane and damaged, I have always been at a loss of emotion and feeling, never happy just content, never sad just tired. So, unlike most, i willingly accept the fire of pain till it too goes numb, then ill move on to the next; never really feeling.

But this time was different, this time i felt the rejection, as if a blade struck me in the chest, carving its mark in my heart This time it hurt, it hurts! I Am Hurting!

Water drips from my face down towards the earth, who has truly made me feel. As I look down at the water, from the cliftop above, where the cold air meets my face and slowly pulls me closer to the edge;

Pain is all I wanted. I wanted to feel something. No one was going to give me the opposite. Love. I suppose love is all I wanted. I just wasn’t going to get it. So i sought out pain. I knew it would give me a perspective on life. Maybe I just wanted a change. Pain would do that for me. Pain and love do seem like similar things though. I thought you would give me love and all I ended up with is pain.

If pain were optional. I would choose not to feel this way.

Hedonism

Pessimistic enjoyment of Beautiful things to toy with

Warped ideals, bountiful appeals To a great cause somewhere beyond

Somewhere entirely close Rooted at the center

Gravity never bends to weather Whether the weight is a feather

Better is on a jagged path Worse is a flowered prance

One promising wilt With a lack of water, change

One returning to dust to promise it won’t stay the same

One is peace for we find it in ourselves Take it off the shelves To walk on soles with welts

For to suffer well

Yes, to suffer well

Is the promise of meaning Behind what we entail On the jagged trail With rusty nails

Is a chase upon the tail Of the heavenly tale

To grow and fail

To grow and fail