You are like the ocean No matter how many times You try to drown me I always come back And try again

“He just looks scary, he’s lovely deep down.”

The words lap back and forth over my mind, the same way the water does over my head as I try to stay up.

I’m not a bad guy, I’m not rude… I don’t mean to be. I don’t mean to be anything. I don’t mean to be here at all. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to meet these people.

The water drags me down again as I push up and gasp for air, some water managing to slip into my mouth and choke me.

I can be good. I can be _better. _I just need to stop trying to be the best. If I’m stuck on being the best I’ll only drag myself further down. I need to improve, not jump the ladder.

If you jump from the bottom to the top of a ladder, skipping the steps in between, all you will do is fall.

I cough up the water, scratching my throat in the process causing a sharp sting to course through my throat when I breathe in. I’m getting tired now and my legs are struggling to keep up with my brains demand to live.

They may have called me a bad person. Made me hate myself. But they would have done that to anyone as easy to manipulate as me. It’s just lucky for others they found me first.

But they aren’t in my life anymore and I am a good person. I’m not rude I just don’t understand people. I don’t understand social constructs. I don’t understand society. Society doesn’t understand me.

My legs are going numb. I can no longer feel them below me. The water has stolen them and is bound to take the rest of me with it.

I take a deep breath in and relax my arms as I fall down. Sinking. Slowly.

“The water only looks scary, it’s lovely deep down.”

In the depths of life's vast ocean, I reside, Where currents strong and fierce collide. But amidst the waves that try to pull me down, I strive to rise and reach the surface crown.

Like a swimmer battling against the tide, I push through the waters, side by side. The current's grip may be strong and tight, Yet my spirit yearns for the surface light.

With each stroke, I break through the resistance, Defying the depths with my sheer persistence. Though the journey is arduous, I won't despair, For I know the surface awaits, calm and fair.

My hands break free, emerging from the deep, Reaching for the air, a promise to keep. Above the water, I find solace and grace, A haven where dreams and hopes embrace.

The surface unveils a world so serene, Where sunlight dances upon the aquamarine. Breathing in the freedom, I'm finally free, From the depths of life's vast sea.

So, let the currents of life try to bind, I'll rise above, leaving them behind. For within me, a strength and will reside, To conquer the depths and reach the surface wide.

Want. Want. Want. __ __ It pulses through me, An ancient whisper in my mind, A fleeting feeling on my skin.

Want. Want. Want.

I want to be a better person. I want to be nicer. I want to be more honest. I want to be more carefree.

Want. Want. Want.

But mostly… I want to be special. I want to be gifted with magic, Gifted with love. I want to live a fantasy of tragedy and courage, A tale of romance and despair. I want a story told of me, I want to face death and touch power.

Want. Want. Want.

Too many books. Too many movies. Too many songs. Too many stories.

Want. Want. Want.

I want that. I want it so badly I can’t breath. The want in me is suffocating. I can’t breathe around it, Can’t think around it. It takes too much space. I’m drowning in my want, Trying to keep my head above the water. But every time I read a book- I slip. I slip for just a moment, And then I’m falling, Falling, Falling. But not to a haunted cave of ghosts and princes, Not to a bloodied battlefield of warriors and monsters. No, I fall to a simple couch. Trying to catch my breath, Trying to remember who I am. Because I am not a princess, I am not a warrior. I am not a savior, I am not a heroine to save all innocence. I’m ordinary. Simple. Common.

Want.

Want.

Want…

H)2O

E)ven in my

L)ungs god help me what is my

P)urpose anymore

If being Forgetful was Like being in a river, I would forgot
How to swim, And drown.

Do you feel it? The water rising in your lungs? The way it holds you? The way the bubbles of air float to the top? I feel it. I feel the flow, The current. It’s sways me. For a while I float. I feel the water upon the tips of my fingers. I taste the salt of the water. Then, I feel a swirl. It starts out small, Only shaking me a bit. But then it starts to grow. The pulling getting stronger. My body starting to go under. The water surging me down to the deep depths. The only thing above the water was my hands, Reaching for anyone to be there. But no ones there. And I fall down into the darkness of the water. And I’m never seen again.

Black waters, reaching for me. Murky depths, I won’t find a way. Creatures beneath, clawing up and out.

Arms of ice, they reach up. Grabbing for help, just out of grasp. Screams are drowned, sloshed about.

Wicked laughs, demons crawl. Lurking in the murk, seeking prey. I’m falling victim in these dark waters…

I’m drowning and- no one will pull me out.

Perpetually lost in thought.

My mind is a riptide, pulling me further and further into a world of darkness and confusion.

Twisting. Turning. Tumbling.

I resist. I fail.

Yet again I’m submerged in obsession, agitation and self loathing.

Pained and numb. Elated and troubled.

The combinations of contradictory emotions are endless.

And then, as if someone turned on a light.

           I’m back. 

The world is right again. Light. Bright. Simple.

Until another wave crashes over my head and the cycle starts again.

Let go! I scream in my head, letting my muscles relax. Sinking, slowly and elegantly. I grab onto the feeling of the cool wind against my fingertips as I am emerged and still sinking.

This is the first time I’ve ever really been alone. All I have is me. But still I sink. Begging to let go. Let go of all of it. I can’t hold onto any longer. It’s too heavy, this burden of who I am.

The water is warm and comforting like a childhood blanket. I wrap myself into it. As I fade, smells, images, feelings fly by, fleeting. I am fading. Finally, let go. Let go, let go.