You saw right through me, Called me a different name, Threw words at me As if I was nothing… Invisible. I am invisible to your love.

I remember when I was maybe six years old I would sneak junk food into my room tiptoeing down the stairs to the kitchen then I’d turn and move like the flash and shut the door I think it was for me to feel like maybe my mom was listening and paying attention to my footsteps running up and down the stairs. I could pretend I had super powers too. In reality I could have screamed at the top of my lungs and throwing my markers or stomping so hard it could cause an earthquake. When I got to 10 years old I started to wish maybe there would be a random earthquake in Alabama where I lived with my mom. I could jsut fall through the cracks. Really I’d just pray for a tornado at least maybe I’d fly and have fun and not been invisible for one minute of my life thus far. I say lived with but really she lived by herself in her locked bedroom. I had the whole house to myself to play or do whatever I wanted. Because I was invisible in that home. The only thing I wanted was my mom to come play outside with me or cook me dinner or watch cartoons and build a fort. Instead the alcohol she drank had a magic trick of its own. a trick that made her forget that I was in that big house to. I remember slamming knocking on her door she was usually knocked out that’s what her drinking power gave her either the ability to yell and call me horrible things or the ability to fall asleep for hours. But her super hero.. or super villain I should say power she injested took an affect on me. Invisibility to where I wondered if I’d have anyone to care for me. Sure those were dark days and as a I grew into a teen I lashed out more poured that horrible super villain power liquid down the sink not caring if she would yell or hold me down. At least I wasn’t invisible then. Was it better to be left alone wondering why she didn’t want to spend time with me. Or was it better to fight back and have her blame me for her life being bad and making realize she wish I actually was invisible more than that.. not real. But you learn a lot if you deal with your problems I don’t feel as invisible especially in crowds anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. But when I hear a passerber say they wish their super power was to be invisible I would feel my heart sink. Because trust me. No one was meant to feel invisible or lonely on this earth. This story has a happy ending I’m no longer invisible but my mothers alcohol problem is

Last Friday I found out what its like to not feel like a tree Invisible and gone, they forgot about me Like a ghost walking the crowded halls Invisible and gone, they can’t feel me I could break every law and rule Invisible and gone, they wouldn’t see me I could spill coffee all over myself Invisible and gone, they can’t taste me I could scream in the classroom or office Invisible and gone, they wouldn’t hear me

I am not the big attraction I am not the main event I am not the greatest spectacle I am not a monument But that’s ok, I like it like this I haven’t a drop of resent I’m used to being forgotten, ignored I know I am a reject, I know that I am Invisible

Imagine feeling invisible to your own parents I’m not talking old shit, but present tense No matter how much you cry for them to see you They complain and continue to do what they do Imagine feeling invisible in this cruel world Not only are you black, but you’re a black girl Men constantly harassing you and making passes Can’t call the cops with their trigger happy asses Imagine, can you imagine how it feels to be me A black girl who has to hide her sexuality Because the world and her family is against it The government, my people, they’re trying to omit Imagine being nuerodivergent, a different point of view But people look at you and others with the same hue “You’re doing this for attention!” so often you’re told “There’s nothing wrong with you, learn some self-control.” Imagine going to the doctor, feeling invisible there too Because the doctors don’t want to listen to you You tell them what’s wrong; they let you suffer with the pain When you leave, they gossip like you’re the one insane Feeling invisible has left me feeling lonely and sad Just a few good friends to confide in, I wish I had I live in a world where it’s like people walk through me And that constant feeling holds insecurities

He gazes at me, soft and warm, But yet, somehow it seems to me, His eyes no longer hold a storm, They see me with uncertainty. The air we breathe feels thin and cold, A ghost of warmth where passion burned. Conversations, hollow, fold, Like fragile wings, at each word turned. His heart, a garden parched and dry, Once bloomed for me, a vibrant scene. Now withers with each day gone by, To him, I’m but a faded dream. Like frost upon a window pain, My features blur then melt away, A flame snuffed out, a cry in vain, Like swirling smoke, I fade to gray.

In the silence of my own mind, I am lost, left far behind. Invisible in the bustling Street, A shadow falling at the world's feet. No echo of my silent cries, In the void where my spirit lies. Unseen in the sea of faces, I'm adrift in desolate spaces. The laughter and joy, they pass me by, As unseen as darkness in the night sky. In the hush of the lonely night, I vanish, out of mind, out of sight. A specter in the world of men, Forgotten again and again. It’s a heavy load, this pain I bare, Yet no one sees, And no one cares. So here I dwell, in the depths of despair, A ghost, a nothing, thin as air. Invisible, and yet I bleed, A soul that yearns, but can't be freed.

I’ve heard that some people don’t have an internal monologue; they don’t hear their own voice, voicing all their thoughts out loud in their mind. When I first heard of it, I couldn’t comprehend it. If I was like that, how else would I be able to come to terms with all that’s happened in my life? I make up conversations with myself in my own head, I make up possible scenarios in my head, I interview myself in my head, I talk to myself one-on-one about my problems for comfort when I know for certain that no one out there will do that for me. It’s like a larger part of my life than my actual life. There’s been countless times people have intentionally tried pissing me off during class because I was the quiet one that never retaliated at school, there were two or three that really tried getting on my nerves. I never said anything though. Back then, I’d get hit in the back of the head by while walking to lunch for just about no reason whatsoever, one of the adults would notice and would ask if that hurt and if that was just some game or if they should give them a lecture. I said it didn’t hurt. And yes, it was a game. The game was called, ‘Make this sixth grader’s life miserable because eleven year old boys love being assholes,’ and I was the target without my consent. There wasn’t actually a name, but you know what I mean. I was invisible, which was why all of those idiots paid attention to me. Because no matter what they did, no one would care. There were a lot of words I would’ve liked to say, that I’ve only kept inside of my head as a played out the potential possibilities of what would ensue if I was as loud-mouthed as I was at home. I didn’t have many friends back then if at all, back to school after the pandemic, new school, that crap. The reason I even passed the time in recess and lunch was because I had myself to listen to. My mind make these own worlds in my head much more exciting in reality, so that’s where I spent my days for most of that year. In my head, I imagined myself larger than I actually was just to boost my own self-esteem. Though, I guess it also held me back in a few ways. There’s also been times when my internal monologue turned negative once I messed up on something, even if it was something minor. ‘I’m the dumbest person on Earth.’ ‘Why the hell am I the smartest here again?’ ‘Can you do literally nothing?’ Obviously, there were much worse than that, but I don’t want to get too dark. Even when I was in kindergarten, I’ve literally named the voice in my head and would talk to it when I was waiting under the tree during recess and would talk to it as if referring to it as another person. I guess I didn’t have friends in kindergarten either. I’m not sure if my dependence on my own inner voice to keep me going has verged onto ‘mentally ill’ territory. Considering this is me we’re talking about, most likely. I’m always breaking apart in some way or another. ___ Not a poem, but whatever 👍

What she does Makes me fuss You only tell me that I’m a cuss You see her image perfectly, But as for me you never see. You never even talk to me, That’s why I rant through poetry Will you ever see me shine? Will you ever see me fine? Or will I ever stop to whine? Will I always depend on wine? I’ve showed you this true side of mine, You always seem to draw a line. I only hope you to see through me, I only want you and me Why for you i don’t exist? Even just like a mist. Why am i not in your list? In your world will I ever fit? Hey, perfect melody, I want to say you’re so lucky. Even though you can’t be seen, Your sound is where do people lean. Can I even be heard through sound? If my presence can not be found. Even with the smell of me, Can I be distinguished just like a tea?

I walk by, Try to laugh. Try to smile, As I pass. “Hey, it’s me!” “Again?” The crinkle of disgust- Their faces say it all. I don’t need to talk, It’d be like a brick wall. I wave this time, A friendly thing. One girl looks up. My heart starts to sing. I smile. Is it worthwhile? She smiles too, My heart skips a few. “We don’t talk with Her.” The other ones say. Ever so suddenly, She looks away. Great, misgendered and bullied. All in one day. I never want to speak again. I am not seen, not now, not then. I look at the floor, Quickly stumble past. I don’t want to see those people Aghast. I wish for friends, Brave, true and kind. My head tells me, “You’re out of your mind!” I won’t have friends, As you can see. Because friends, my dear, Have got to see me.